Longing for you

“What if I just don´t go?”, I asked and turned on my other side to be able to face Harry. We laid in our bed, but instead of just going straight to sleep Harry had insisted on reading some Harry Potter.

Even though he had to shave his face he still were like a little kid in his heart. After I gave up on sleeping I could just not stand the silence between us.

“You will”, he answered simply and I felt my mouth drop.

“Who´ll force me to?”, I asked surprised.

“I´ll do”, he said still with his thoughts in the book and I had the feeling he was not really listening to me at all.

“It´s my decision Harry”, I said stubbornly and I got angry at him for not taking me seriously and treating me like a kid even though he was the one who read a novel with wizards in it. The tone in my voice seemed to finally catch his full attention.

“It is indeed, but however I won´t let you chicken out about it. What will hold it him back from doing it to any other girl?”, he said and I knew he had a point.

This guy had a violent nature and it would probably only take some beer and another dark night for him to ruin some other girls life. But I just could not face him.

“I tried to delete this night out of my life forever Harry. I just can´t...”, my voice cracked as I stopped because I felt fear and tears tied up my throat.

“Hey”, he said softly and carefully moved his thumb over my cheek.

His touch was like a wing beat of a hummingbird, no pressure and no force behind it.

“I know you want to forget about it, but to be honest I see that hiding away from that night won´t make you feel alright again”, he said quietly and I winced.

“But I´m okay, I´m not broken anymore. This night...”, I took some breaths before I continued, “it was just a setback in my life. Nothing more.”

Harry´s eyes got sad and I was afraid of what he would say.

“Clary...”, he said my name so carefully just like he was afraid to break it by speaking it out loud, “this night scares you and I hate to see you afraid like that. It´s like your running away from a nightmare you try to forget about.”

Again I was about to get vulnerable and small and I did not wanted that to happen since I swore I would never be again.

“I´m fine”, I said stubbornly and Harry sighed.

“Should we get dressed and go down to the pharmacy to pick up some cough drops for Rosy?”, he asked and I had to suppress the urge to press my hands on my ears.

He knew what would happen if he says it and forces me with my fears.

“Still think you´re fine? Just your facial expression told me what you feel when you only think about doing it. And what about the nightmares, your bad sleep? You never had them like this before. And sometimes you act really frightened when I touch you unexpected, please stop lying.”

He had figured me out completely by now and even though I tried to hide everything away from him he could not had been fooled by me.

“I´m not going to cry about it”, I said out loud while I tried my best to hide the tears which already filled my eyes.

I was not weak.

“But probably it would make you feel better”, Harry whispered and got closer to me.

That way I felt his breath on my neck and smelled his scent. Here with him I was more safe than I had ever been before in my life and I knew nothing could hurt me.

“You make me feel better”, I breathed back and he rested his forehead on mine.

“We do it together tomorrow, alright? And after that we try to make you get better”, Harry´s lips moaned and I knew he did not let me say no.

Somehow this was even a bigger deal to him than to me and I had the feeling that he was just as scared like I was.

“I´m afraid Harry.” I said it, finally I had said it out loud.

“I know Clary, but fear doesn´t mean that you´re weak or anything. It means you´re human and that´s the most important thing ever”, Harry stated and I smiled for the first time through our talk.

Suddenly I saw something in Harry´s eyes and I kind of new where he would go from here.

“You deserve to be touched as deliberate as possible”, he whispered and let his finger run over my cheek down to the side of my neck before they carefully made their way over my arm, causing me goose bumps.

“And you deserve to be only touched, if you want to”, he got on and stopped them somewhere near my wrists, waiting for my permission.

“If this person is you I´ll be more than fine with it”, I whispered back and he gave me my favorite smile which I felt was privileged for me.

He continued his way down to my pants where he pulled up my shirt a little bit to be able to strike over my hip bones to give me even more shivers.

My skin had gotten hot under the blanket and his finger were just as perfectly cold as they could be. Fire and ice and we seemed to go up either in flames or froze in ice cubs.

His hands traveled into my pants and made their way down to my area. My hands could not only lay next to me anymore and they moved to his neck, pulling me closer to him to be able to kiss him.

Our lips crashed into each other and they moved perfectly. My tongue slipped along his under lip before I asked for his entrance.

His body pressed mine into the pillows as he placed himself on top of me, but he carried all his weight on his hands to make sure he would not hurt me.

My lips left his to be able to go down his neck to leave a line of sloppy kisses down to the top of his shirt. He only wore his boxers and a simple gray shirt, but I really wanted him to get rid of any clothes in between us.

Carefully I pulled his shirt up over his head before I got rid of mine as well. His tattoos still were a mystery to me however I really got to loving them just like the rest of him since they had been just another beautiful part of his body.

They birds looked like they were moving every time he did and I traced my finger along their wings before I kissed each of them.

“You sure you want this right now?”, Harry asked with a husky voice and I nodded yes.

This had been everything that made me feel like someone else´s touch was something good and something I liked.

“I want you Styles”, I whispered with a rough voice and he crushed his lips into mine again before we fell back on the bed. His breath was mine and mine was his.

We exploded again, setting the room on fire as he proved me that touches at intimate places was something I did not had to be afraid of, but make love him even more.

Notes