Longing for you

“You know you can tell me everything, don´t you?”, Harry says and I feel guilty.

God, how much more guilt can I take before I finally break down under the weight of it? It was rushing through my whole body, slowly creeping up through my blood, making it freeze from the inside.

“You´ll hate me, if I do”, I answer and look up to his dimples.

He´s smiling at me, why is he smiling at me or is he making fun of me? Does he think I´m a weak, silly creature? I can´t read his mind and his eyes suddenly seem to get darker and darker. There was no more golden spark around his pupil and the green looked like black.

“I won´t hate you, silly. Just tell me, I can see that you´re lying to me”, he says in a mean tone.

“Zayn kissed me”, I finally tell him. He´s Harry, he said he´ll understand it. He knows me even better than I do.

“You kissed Zayn?”, he asks unbelieving.

“I did”, my voice is thin and quiet while I admit it.

“Fine”, he suddenly reaches out his hand for me and I think he´s going to pull me in a hug to comfort me and tell me that everything will be okay again, but he doesn´t.

“Give the ring back.” My face drops and I sob hurted.

“Wh....what?”, I ask shocked.

“You heard me, Clary! Don´t play dumb now, I´ll give it to someone more honest than you. Aimee seems to be a good choice.”

My heart hurts so much I feel like I´m going to die. How could he say something like this? But didn´t I knew right from the start he would go back to her?

As I felt something wet between my finger I looked down. Blood lines slowly trail all over my body, coming from a hole in my chest at the spot were my heart normally had been. Now I was bleeding out and I don´t know what to do to make it stop.

“Please, don´t do that to me, Harry”, I manage to say, but it´s nothing more than a faint whisper.

“Clary I deserve better than you, don´t we both knew that like right from the start?”, he snaps at me and I feel tears rolling over my face.

The blood already built a puddle down to my feet and I feel the hot, damp of it still running down to the ground.

“Don´t leave me alone, please Harry, don´t...”, I cry and I know he´s already doing it.

“Harry, Harry, don´t...”, I´m bleeding out.

“Clary, you should stop yammering...I don´t love you anymor...”.

BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ.

Panicky I open my eyes and try to find a way out of a dream world back to reality. My eyes hysterical search for something familiar around me and I see Harry´s sleepy face suddenly next to mine.

Just a dream. It was just a dream, I´m trying to tell myself. Better said it had been a nightmare. One of these kinds which feel so real, you can´t believe they never happened like that.

Finally I realized the reason why I had woken up from it at all as I see my phone which is lightening up the room. The buzzes seemed to be to loud for my sleepy ears and I sat up to be able to get to it.

“Hell...hello?”, I managed to press out in my sleepy state.

“Is this Clary?”, an unknown voice at the other end asked me.

“Yeah, that´s me”, I stumbled like an idiot.

“You´re Zayn´s first speed dial”, he said and I´m suddenly completely awake.

“What happened? Is he okay?”, why did this guy had his phone and needed to call me?

“He drank too much and no one knows how to get him home”, he informed me and I already got out of our bed.

“What´s the address?”, I asked him sternly and he did. After I had hung up I got in some pair of jeans and one of Harry´s shirts which loosely hang over the armchair. My head was in a messy ponytail, but there was nothing I could care less about than my hair right now.

Slowly my eyes went back to Harry who still laid passed out on the bed, looking like a sleeping angel with his curls spread all over the pillow.

Carefully I leaned down to him and gave him a kiss on his cheek. He was here and he still wanted me, the ring on my finger sparkling to me as some kind of proof.

Quietly I got out of the room and closed the door behind me before I knocked at the opposite one. All I could do was praying that the right person would open me and I was lucky.

Connor only wore his underwear and he looked like he had been asleep for a longer time already.
It´s the middle of the night, I remembered myself.

“Clary? Are you okay?”, he asked sleepily and I nodded.

“I am, but I think I need your help anyways.”

…

“Is it here?”, I asked and stared out of the car, looking at a glowing house from the outside.

“That´s the address you gave me, yeah”, Connor answered as I already was on my way to unfasten my seatbelt.

“I think I come with you”, Connor said and I nodded relieved. I hoped he would offer something like this and we both hurried to get in there and find him. As soon as I stepped in through the front door I smelt the smoke and sweat in the air.

Most of the party guests looked stoned and I nearly got any useful information from them, if they had seen Zayn or not. Connor and me decided to separate to be faster and I looked everywhere, but he was nowhere to be found.

Maybe we were wrong and this guy simply told me the wrong address. God, what if Zayn was somewhere else, drunk and helpless?

“Can I help you?”, someone suddenly offered and I described the girl who still looked pretty sober Zayn´s look.

“Tall, dark skin and some colored tattoos on his arms?”, she repeated and I nodded.

“I definitely saw him upstairs earlier”, she said and I thanked her before I made my way upstairs. This house was creepy and the people in it scared me even more.

The only thing I wanted was to get out as fast as I could again. But not without Zayn. As I passed a room I saw something familiar, but I only noticed it after I had already passed the open door.

Quickly I walked back and made sure I was right about the zap! tattoo which had flashed up in my view. There he was, laying on a double bed, passed out and looking unbelieving vulnerable and childish.

“Zayn, hey Zayn”, I said after I rushed in and tried to wake him up. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked at me.

“Oh God”, he whispered and I couldn´t help, but laugh faintly.

“Normally people don´t call me that.” But before he could reply anything he leaned over the edge of the bed and choked.

Ugh, the smell made my stomach turn around as well and I tried to held my breath to provide me from puking right next to him. His whole body was shaking and a disgusted noise left his lips.

“Alright, I get you home”, I said as I stood up and tried to lift his body up.

Therefore I rested his arm around my shoulders and tried to support him as we tried to walk out of the room. But his body was way taller than me and therefore he was a lot heavier and I nearly broke down under his weight he put on me. We somehow managed to walk some meters before we nearly tripped and fell down to the floor.

“Hell, Zayn are you heavy!”, I said out of breath and cursed my tiny, weak body.

“There you are and you found him”, I heard my savior´s voice from Connor behind me. The next moment the weight of Zayn on my shoulders got easier and we carried on, getting Zayn out of the house.

He didn´t said a thing, only looked pale and done. His clothes smelt like smoke and I knew that it wasn´t just the clothes which did. He seemed like he could barely stay awake and I asked myself why he drank so much.

Carefully we towed him to the back of Connor´s car and he basically passed out that moment again. My knees still shook as I got back onto my passenger seat and Connor started the car again. The ride to Zayn´s home, was quiet and we didn´t talked much since there was actually no need and we both were way to tired to make a conversation work.

Another hard piece of work was to get Zayn upstairs to his flat and we both were out of breath as we finally arrived in front of the front door since Zayn was no big help himself. He only mumbled something like that he really wanted to sleep and I promised if he would only take some steps he could.

Again I tried to open the door with the key I had fumbled out of his pockets, while he still rested some of his weight on my shoulders. How could a skinny boy like him weigh so much? Once I opened the door we stumbled inside.

“I think I wait for you down in the car”, Connor excused himself and I nodded.

“Thanks”, I said and he gave me a smile before he turned and I was alone with the drunken Zayn in his floor.

Notes