The new start
Chapter forty-one, "The ugly truth"
While I was standing there I realized that I had to complete the plan and run away. By the look of Summer I had to do it now or she would punch me in the face. I tried to start crying but it was impossible, I wasn´t sad. Instead I ran towards the toilets, just to do anything. I mean I couldn´t just stand there and feel good about myself. There was no one at the toilets which was a realief. Anyone could see that I wasn´t sad right now. I rubbed my eyes with some water, so that the mascara got smeared out before I ran out from the toilet door, where I bumped into Louis. How was I suppose to act? How would I have acted if I just had found out about this? I had no idea. Instead of looking into Louis eyes I started to run again. I knew that if I would look into them, everything would come out. I would tell him how I did it, told Summer and gave her permission to do the plan and he would probably hate me and never talk to me again. I would probably also tell him about when I murdered that guy. I had no self-control right now.
"Amy, wait!" He screamed. His voice sounded desperat and I wanted so badly to just go back there and forgive him. But now it was him that should be mad and not me. Everything will just be so much easier if I run away. Run away and never talk to Harry or Louis again. But I can´t, even if they had lied to me. I mean they are my friends and I love them. But I have ruin that, I have ruin all my relationships just for revange, even if revange always feels good when you do it, it comes back and bites you in the back. The only way out of it is to tell the truth and move on. I have too many secrets right now, secrets that will come out someday and if they don´t they will drive me crazy. Maybe it was possible to pretend about the murder thing because he was dead but if I had to be reminded everyday about how I had broken my friends heart it would kill me. First hunt down all my emotions and feelings, then I would slowly get depressed. Shit, all my relationship would be based on lies. Maybe the only way is to tell them about the awful thing I did to them? Suddenly I had no idea what to do. Would I manage to lie my whole life? The despair landed like a big stone in my stomach but I didn´t quit running. Maybe it would fall out if I ran fast enough. When I got to a corner so far away from the toilets as possible I sank down on the floor. I hadn´t felt uglier in my whole life, everything were sticky from the sweat, I could smell my own smell and my tongue tasted blood. I waited a second so that I could catch my breath then I picked up my phone and slowly typed in dad´s number. When I was finished I didn´t press “call,” I wanted my relationship with dad to be like when I was a kid. Then I wouldn´t even have considered to not call him. But something had changed, when I had known Summer for about a year, he got so quiet. The fights started too and it was like I couldn´t talk to him anymore. I had no idea what I had done and I don´t know how many times I have thought through it but not any of those times could I find something wrong. It was before I started drinking, smoking and taking drugs. It was before everything. I sighed, where is that voice when you need it? I deleted the number but I then regretted it. I needed to hear his voice, his advice. I typed in the number again and this time I pressed “call” as fast as I could, before I would regret it.
“Hello, it´s James Brown. What can I help you with?” Dad´s voice sounded far, far away just like it had done this couple of years. I wanted to shout: Dad, what happened? But of course I didn´t.
“Hi dad, it´s me.” I said and I could almost hear him smiling. Was my old dad in there somewhere?
“Amy, what a pleasant surprise. Do you like the school?” He said and I sighed, a dad don´t say what a pleasant surprise when his daughter calls, especially not after a huge fight and after that she hasn´t called or talked to him in days.
“It´s nice but why didn´t you just tell me that it was a boarding school?” I asked and fingered on my bag.
“We wanted it to be a surprise.” He said. Yeah sure, I wanted to scream. But I pressed my lips together. I was not going to ruin this little talk too.
“Okay, but dad can I ask you something?” I said and noticed that I had accidentally pulled away a piece of cloth from the bag.
“Anything.” He answered and almost sounded like my old dad. The new one had said no and that he needed to get back to work.
“If you would have done something stupid and the ones you had done it too were your friends. Would you tell the truth and ruin the friendships or would you keep it to yourself?” I asked and continued pulling off pieces of cloth from the bag.
“That is a tough one. Well it depends on the situation, sometimes the truth even can bring the friends closer even if it can tear them apart too. If it is something big I would tell them because if you have a real friendship you can´t have secrets in it, it will just make you feel bad and the friendship will die. Maybe you don´t have to tell them the whole truth just a little of it. So I guess most times the best thing to do is to tell them the truth. But if it´s something small that just will make both of you sad I would say it´s better to not tell…” Suddenly dad started crying. Had I found his week spot? Maybe he had this huge secret?
“Dad, what´s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing, just think before you do things, okay? It´s only the brave ones that dare to tell the truth” He said and my heart started pounding fast again, I knew what to do. It was the only way. I can´t find out what he had done that was so bad now, I had to tell my friends the truth first.
“Okay dad, look I gotta go there is something I need to do.” I said and was just about to hang up when he started talking again.
“Amy?” He said.
“Yeah.” I answered while I got up on my feet and threw the bag in the trash.
“I love you and take care, I am sure you will make the right decision.” He said and my heart melted. My old dad was back. Before I was able to answer he had hung up but I couldn´t let go of the phone. I had missed him so much.
“I love you too.” I whispered to the signals on the phone before I started walking towards the cafeteria. What was the fastest way to tell every one of my friends to meet up? Text must be it. I typed in a message as fast as I could, hoping everyone would come. Then it hit me, Chloe. I had no idea where she had gone. She must be so sad, the Louis thing and the thing with Zayn. Maybe her evening has been even rougher than mine.
Amy: Hi guys, meet me in the cafeteria fast! I <3 U all
I had no idea why I had texted that I loved them, maybe because I wanted them to know before I tell them. I mean I might never be able to do it afterwards, they will hate me. When I got to the cafeteria everyone was there, even Chloe. She sat as far away from both Louis and Zayn as possible, even Liam was there who I hadn´t texted. It was like I had a ton of boulders in my stomach and if that wasn´t enough they jolted around in there. I couldn´t look into anyone´s eyes so I focused on a painting, I wasn´t sure what the painting was but a mix of an apple and a dog I think.
“Hi guys I am glad you could come so fast.” I said and continued staring into the apple-dog.
“Amy, what is it? Are you going home?” Chloe said and I made the mistake to look into her eyes for a second. They were worried, how pathetic?
“No but you will hate me when I have told you what I have done." I said and they laughed.
"We would never hate you, Amy." Louis said, but I ignored him. Instead of the apple-dog I looked at Liam. He´s calmness infected itself on me and I took a deep breath before I started.
"The thing that happened tonight it was my fault." I said.
"What do you mean your fault? It was us talking not your fault." Louis said and looked uncomprehending on me.
"No, it was my fault. I saw you kissing earlier today and made the mistake to tell Rosie or Summer is her real name, we were best friend in Reading until something happened that we can take another time. She followed me here because she wanted us to become friends again. She has something on me so there is nothing I can do but never mind. She is a real bitch that´s all you need to know. I want you all to promise not to talk to her." I said, before they had gotten a word in edgeways I continued.
"She said that I needed revenge and she came up with the plan. I had no idea what it was until I got to the party. I realized that I had to stop it but something came up and then it was too late." I said and everyone stared at me quietly.
"Do you understand what you have done? My parents will hate me when they find out I am gay, Harry´s too. Didn´t you think we had our reasons for lying to you? Because we had and you ruin everything. I don´t care what that girl has on you, this was your choice and you are right I actually hate you and I will never forgive..." He said before Harry interrupted him.
"Louis don´t be so harsh on her... I mean we were not the best friends either maybe..." He tried, but Louis just shook his head.
"You know what I think, Amy? I don´t think Summer is the bitch I think you are the bitch." Louis said and ran away, Harry got quickly up on his feet and ran away after him. I looked at the others but it was impossible to read their faces.
"I trusted you and you knew Louis was my boyfriend and I haven´t had so many of those. I mean I really liked him before it... I... I just don´t get it why everyone betrays me. You could have told me instead of Summer and I..." Chloe almost whispered the words and when she started to cry she ran away. Surprisingly Liam ran after her, what a gentleman. Now there were only Niall and Zayn left. Someone had to forgive me. Instead of saying anything Zayn just got up on his feet and just when he walked past me he whispered.
"Amy, you are not the sweet savior anymore, are you?" He said and I just wanted to punch him. He was as low as me, how could he say that to me? But I didn´t care, Niall was left and he had actually told me that he would wait for me, here I am.
"Niall, please you need to listen to me, I didn´t mean to, I really tried to stop it." I tried but when he looked up his eyes were looking at me in a totally different way, like he had given up all hope on me. Like I had let him down.
"I thought you were different Amy, but it turns out that you are just the same as all of the girls I have dated. A nice person would never do this to her friends whatever they had done to her." Niall said and I started crying. The taste of salt took over and the blood taste disappeared, just like my friends.
"I didn´t want to... it was a mistake, I don´t know why I listened to Summer..." I started but he interrupted me.
"Think about that and when you have an answer come to me." He said and walked away. There I was, all alone and it was all on me, I couldn´t blame anyone but me anymore. I looked around to see if anyone was as lonely as me. But no, no one sat in the cafeteria everyone hanged out with their friends or family, it was me against them. Why can´t that stalker come and kill me right now? I felt a hand on my shoulder. Shit, I didn´t mean literally. But then Summer sat down beside me. I knew that I should be furious on her but I was actually really happy that someone wanted to sit with me, even if it was Summer.
"Honey, I am so sorry. How could everyone leave? I mean I get that Harry and Louis were mad but the others, they can´t be real friends." She said and now I got furious for real. How could she say that after what we had done?
"Are you kidding me? They have all right to..." I started but she interrupted me.
"Think of what they said to you, Amy. I mean it wasn´t that bad what we did and even Niall and Liam. Think of what Louis said I mean they had lied to you what did they expect? Kindness? It wasn´t just you that did the wrong thing because you tried to save it but they ignored that and turned against you." She said and she was right. They had been really mean and I had tried to save it. I didn´t need them, I had Summer. She had always had my back and they left as soon as it got a little hard.
"You are right. You are not leaving, are you?" I asked and I had stopped crying. I actually felt hopeful again.
"Never." She said and gave me a big hug. I drew in the smell of lavender and home. If I had her everything would work out, I don´t even have to keep my secret since she knows it.
"Amy, wait!" He screamed. His voice sounded desperat and I wanted so badly to just go back there and forgive him. But now it was him that should be mad and not me. Everything will just be so much easier if I run away. Run away and never talk to Harry or Louis again. But I can´t, even if they had lied to me. I mean they are my friends and I love them. But I have ruin that, I have ruin all my relationships just for revange, even if revange always feels good when you do it, it comes back and bites you in the back. The only way out of it is to tell the truth and move on. I have too many secrets right now, secrets that will come out someday and if they don´t they will drive me crazy. Maybe it was possible to pretend about the murder thing because he was dead but if I had to be reminded everyday about how I had broken my friends heart it would kill me. First hunt down all my emotions and feelings, then I would slowly get depressed. Shit, all my relationship would be based on lies. Maybe the only way is to tell them about the awful thing I did to them? Suddenly I had no idea what to do. Would I manage to lie my whole life? The despair landed like a big stone in my stomach but I didn´t quit running. Maybe it would fall out if I ran fast enough. When I got to a corner so far away from the toilets as possible I sank down on the floor. I hadn´t felt uglier in my whole life, everything were sticky from the sweat, I could smell my own smell and my tongue tasted blood. I waited a second so that I could catch my breath then I picked up my phone and slowly typed in dad´s number. When I was finished I didn´t press “call,” I wanted my relationship with dad to be like when I was a kid. Then I wouldn´t even have considered to not call him. But something had changed, when I had known Summer for about a year, he got so quiet. The fights started too and it was like I couldn´t talk to him anymore. I had no idea what I had done and I don´t know how many times I have thought through it but not any of those times could I find something wrong. It was before I started drinking, smoking and taking drugs. It was before everything. I sighed, where is that voice when you need it? I deleted the number but I then regretted it. I needed to hear his voice, his advice. I typed in the number again and this time I pressed “call” as fast as I could, before I would regret it.
“Hello, it´s James Brown. What can I help you with?” Dad´s voice sounded far, far away just like it had done this couple of years. I wanted to shout: Dad, what happened? But of course I didn´t.
“Hi dad, it´s me.” I said and I could almost hear him smiling. Was my old dad in there somewhere?
“Amy, what a pleasant surprise. Do you like the school?” He said and I sighed, a dad don´t say what a pleasant surprise when his daughter calls, especially not after a huge fight and after that she hasn´t called or talked to him in days.
“It´s nice but why didn´t you just tell me that it was a boarding school?” I asked and fingered on my bag.
“We wanted it to be a surprise.” He said. Yeah sure, I wanted to scream. But I pressed my lips together. I was not going to ruin this little talk too.
“Okay, but dad can I ask you something?” I said and noticed that I had accidentally pulled away a piece of cloth from the bag.
“Anything.” He answered and almost sounded like my old dad. The new one had said no and that he needed to get back to work.
“If you would have done something stupid and the ones you had done it too were your friends. Would you tell the truth and ruin the friendships or would you keep it to yourself?” I asked and continued pulling off pieces of cloth from the bag.
“That is a tough one. Well it depends on the situation, sometimes the truth even can bring the friends closer even if it can tear them apart too. If it is something big I would tell them because if you have a real friendship you can´t have secrets in it, it will just make you feel bad and the friendship will die. Maybe you don´t have to tell them the whole truth just a little of it. So I guess most times the best thing to do is to tell them the truth. But if it´s something small that just will make both of you sad I would say it´s better to not tell…” Suddenly dad started crying. Had I found his week spot? Maybe he had this huge secret?
“Dad, what´s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing, just think before you do things, okay? It´s only the brave ones that dare to tell the truth” He said and my heart started pounding fast again, I knew what to do. It was the only way. I can´t find out what he had done that was so bad now, I had to tell my friends the truth first.
“Okay dad, look I gotta go there is something I need to do.” I said and was just about to hang up when he started talking again.
“Amy?” He said.
“Yeah.” I answered while I got up on my feet and threw the bag in the trash.
“I love you and take care, I am sure you will make the right decision.” He said and my heart melted. My old dad was back. Before I was able to answer he had hung up but I couldn´t let go of the phone. I had missed him so much.
“I love you too.” I whispered to the signals on the phone before I started walking towards the cafeteria. What was the fastest way to tell every one of my friends to meet up? Text must be it. I typed in a message as fast as I could, hoping everyone would come. Then it hit me, Chloe. I had no idea where she had gone. She must be so sad, the Louis thing and the thing with Zayn. Maybe her evening has been even rougher than mine.
Amy: Hi guys, meet me in the cafeteria fast! I <3 U all
I had no idea why I had texted that I loved them, maybe because I wanted them to know before I tell them. I mean I might never be able to do it afterwards, they will hate me. When I got to the cafeteria everyone was there, even Chloe. She sat as far away from both Louis and Zayn as possible, even Liam was there who I hadn´t texted. It was like I had a ton of boulders in my stomach and if that wasn´t enough they jolted around in there. I couldn´t look into anyone´s eyes so I focused on a painting, I wasn´t sure what the painting was but a mix of an apple and a dog I think.
“Hi guys I am glad you could come so fast.” I said and continued staring into the apple-dog.
“Amy, what is it? Are you going home?” Chloe said and I made the mistake to look into her eyes for a second. They were worried, how pathetic?
“No but you will hate me when I have told you what I have done." I said and they laughed.
"We would never hate you, Amy." Louis said, but I ignored him. Instead of the apple-dog I looked at Liam. He´s calmness infected itself on me and I took a deep breath before I started.
"The thing that happened tonight it was my fault." I said.
"What do you mean your fault? It was us talking not your fault." Louis said and looked uncomprehending on me.
"No, it was my fault. I saw you kissing earlier today and made the mistake to tell Rosie or Summer is her real name, we were best friend in Reading until something happened that we can take another time. She followed me here because she wanted us to become friends again. She has something on me so there is nothing I can do but never mind. She is a real bitch that´s all you need to know. I want you all to promise not to talk to her." I said, before they had gotten a word in edgeways I continued.
"She said that I needed revenge and she came up with the plan. I had no idea what it was until I got to the party. I realized that I had to stop it but something came up and then it was too late." I said and everyone stared at me quietly.
"Do you understand what you have done? My parents will hate me when they find out I am gay, Harry´s too. Didn´t you think we had our reasons for lying to you? Because we had and you ruin everything. I don´t care what that girl has on you, this was your choice and you are right I actually hate you and I will never forgive..." He said before Harry interrupted him.
"Louis don´t be so harsh on her... I mean we were not the best friends either maybe..." He tried, but Louis just shook his head.
"You know what I think, Amy? I don´t think Summer is the bitch I think you are the bitch." Louis said and ran away, Harry got quickly up on his feet and ran away after him. I looked at the others but it was impossible to read their faces.
"I trusted you and you knew Louis was my boyfriend and I haven´t had so many of those. I mean I really liked him before it... I... I just don´t get it why everyone betrays me. You could have told me instead of Summer and I..." Chloe almost whispered the words and when she started to cry she ran away. Surprisingly Liam ran after her, what a gentleman. Now there were only Niall and Zayn left. Someone had to forgive me. Instead of saying anything Zayn just got up on his feet and just when he walked past me he whispered.
"Amy, you are not the sweet savior anymore, are you?" He said and I just wanted to punch him. He was as low as me, how could he say that to me? But I didn´t care, Niall was left and he had actually told me that he would wait for me, here I am.
"Niall, please you need to listen to me, I didn´t mean to, I really tried to stop it." I tried but when he looked up his eyes were looking at me in a totally different way, like he had given up all hope on me. Like I had let him down.
"I thought you were different Amy, but it turns out that you are just the same as all of the girls I have dated. A nice person would never do this to her friends whatever they had done to her." Niall said and I started crying. The taste of salt took over and the blood taste disappeared, just like my friends.
"I didn´t want to... it was a mistake, I don´t know why I listened to Summer..." I started but he interrupted me.
"Think about that and when you have an answer come to me." He said and walked away. There I was, all alone and it was all on me, I couldn´t blame anyone but me anymore. I looked around to see if anyone was as lonely as me. But no, no one sat in the cafeteria everyone hanged out with their friends or family, it was me against them. Why can´t that stalker come and kill me right now? I felt a hand on my shoulder. Shit, I didn´t mean literally. But then Summer sat down beside me. I knew that I should be furious on her but I was actually really happy that someone wanted to sit with me, even if it was Summer.
"Honey, I am so sorry. How could everyone leave? I mean I get that Harry and Louis were mad but the others, they can´t be real friends." She said and now I got furious for real. How could she say that after what we had done?
"Are you kidding me? They have all right to..." I started but she interrupted me.
"Think of what they said to you, Amy. I mean it wasn´t that bad what we did and even Niall and Liam. Think of what Louis said I mean they had lied to you what did they expect? Kindness? It wasn´t just you that did the wrong thing because you tried to save it but they ignored that and turned against you." She said and she was right. They had been really mean and I had tried to save it. I didn´t need them, I had Summer. She had always had my back and they left as soon as it got a little hard.
"You are right. You are not leaving, are you?" I asked and I had stopped crying. I actually felt hopeful again.
"Never." She said and gave me a big hug. I drew in the smell of lavender and home. If I had her everything would work out, I don´t even have to keep my secret since she knows it.
Notes
Hi guys! So sorry for the low update hope you stay anyway! But this was a pretty long one :D Well, and a intense chapter. Hopefully I will write one tomorrow before I am leaving for a few days. But it will be very tight so I am not sure ;/ When I come back I will start updating more :) If I won´t have time tomorrow, Happy New Year, love you all! /kisses E (A lot of questions today)Why do you think Amy´s dad started to cry?
Do you think Amy took the right decision to tell the truth?
Do you think anyone overreacted? Or handled it in a bad way?
How would you react?
Do you think Amy will beg for forgiveness or ignore them?
@stolemyheart
Did you die because of your beauty or something? :0
4/27/14