It Takes Patience II: Guarded
Chapter 33: Forced
*Harry’s POV*
I was up when the sun came up, not able to get much to any sleep last night. I was surprised because it wasn’t only the bad dream that kept me awake this time, it was my own guilt. I feel terrible about what I did and I can’t get the look that was on Reagan’s tear stained face out of my mind. I sent her several text messages last night but she didn’t answer. The red digital clock on my bedside table resembled my eye whites from lack of sleep I’m sure and I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
It’s seven thirty and I know she’s getting ready for work right now...probably getting dressed, pulling a pencil skirt or some office trousers up her legs that are so long and shapely. They seem like they go on for miles and then when they stop they end at the beautiful curve of her ass. The skin there is so soft and I love it when I wake up and she’s next to me and she’s only wearing her knickers and a t-shirt, with her back to her my front. That’s when I get to have sneaky feels. She usually thinks I’m sleeping and brushing up against her on accident, but her skin is so milky smooth and warm in the morning it damn near calls my hands there to touch her, but only just barely, ghosting all most. Every time I do it goose bumps rise on her skin. I love it when her body reacts to me, even when she’s sleeping. I smile to myself and realize that I’ve gotten carried away with my thoughts. I didn’t have morning wood when I was lying looking at the ceiling but I definitely do now. Great.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” I sigh to myself frustrated, in reference to my junk and then it hits me. I probably wouldn’t have this dilemma if I wasn’t so fucked up. She would be here with me...and said problem would probably be getting worked on and why use your own hand when someone has been doing it for you? Wanking hasn’t even been the same since that night that Reagan got me off.
I picked up my phone to text Reagan again. I know I shouldn’t crowd her and give her time to be pissed at me but I miss her. I really want to see her, and in the back of my mind I know that she’ll be working with Peyton today, the fucking tosser! My thumbs move quickly over the touch screen keyboard of the I phone as I desperately send her a message hoping for a reply. She could tell me to fuck off and I would still be happy. I need her and I’m pathetic.
To: Glasses
G’morning...I miss you. I love you. I’m so sorry.
I turn over in bed and look at the side she lays on when she spends the night and not sleeping on my chest and my heart constricts. Nights are a little bit more bearable when she’s here next to me. It doesn’t completely stop my dreams, but they don’t happen as often. My phone vibrates against my chest where I let it lie and I damn near jump out of my skin to answer it, then get annoyed when I see it’s only my mum.
From: Mum
Harold, I heard you’re hanging out with Robin today. He’s so excited!
I scrunched my nose and allowed my eyebrows to knot because A) she’s downstairs and she could have simply come up to tell me about Robins excitement. A text wasn’t necessary. B) I forgot that I was supposed to be ‘hanging out’ with him today. I don’t fucking want to and I have to miss out on work because of it, and C) I was hoping that text was from Reagan and not my mum! It’s like she knew I was expecting a text and did that to tease me on purpose!
I put my phone back down, not responding to my mum and run a hand through my hair which is significantly curly today and attempt to push it off of my face into a quiff. I can feel myself getting overly annoyed and as soon as I get out of bed to get my meds that I would definitely fucking need if I was gonna spend the better half of my goddamn day uncomfortable and too fucking close to Robin for both of our fucking safeties to prove a point that I wasn’t ready to do for Dr. Baker and her own sick ‘progression purposes’, my phone vibrated. I picked it up feeling myself get antsier as I thought it was going to be my mum again, but my heart drummed ten times its normal speed when I saw that it was glasses.
From: Glasses
Hi...
One forced word. She’s still pissed and she has every right to be, but at least she said something.
To: Glasses
How are you this morning?
Stupid question, she feels like shit and I know it! I wish I hadn’t sent it but she’s already responded.
From: Glasses
Confused, hurt, sad....
She feels like I did after she told me about her and Peyton and I clench my jaw at the thought of her having to be around that dick head today. I want to rush to her hotel room hold her and not let her go until she knows how sorry I really am, but I only go as far as an offer so that I can try to see her.
To: Glasses
Do you need a ride to work? I can take you...
Please say yes...
From: Glasses
I’ve already called a taxi. Thank you though.
I wish all forms of public transport would shut down, that way she would have no choice but to go with me. My mind starts to roam as I make my way downstairs and the last thing it lands on before my mum snaps me out of my thoughts and into the dismal reality that is today and today’s events, is the fact that glasses will have to be in close quarters with that asshole.
To: Glasses
It’s killing me that I hurt you, driving me insane in fact (that’s hard to do when I already am). I miss you and it’s only been a few hours. I’m pathetic...and rambling, in a text message...Have a good day at work, I love you glasses.
From: Glasses
You’re not pathetic H. Stop saying you’re crazy...
She doesn’t tell me that she loves me back and even though it makes my rib-cage feel like its tightening around my lungs, I’m just grateful that she responded to me.
I take my seat at the table after I grab a box of cereal for my mum that she was straining to get on tip toe from the cupboard and grab my meds. She seems to be in a better place with me now forgiving my dismissal of her seating charts after she found out that I was going to spend the day with Robin. She thinks I’m trying to put in effort, but I’m not. I’m being forced and I feel cornered. I have no other choice. It’s the only way that I can get what I want, what I need really. I can’t live here with them. It’s safer if I don’t.
I pop two of the pills when my thoughts put me on edge. Sometimes I think the only thing that causes my mood shifts is me, but when my mum speaks I realize that’s not true.
“Where are you and Robin going today?” See? It’s annoying! I shrug my shoulders and stand from my seat to grab a banana from the fruit bowl on the middle of the counter. I don’t know where he’s planned to take me and that puts me even more on edge than I was a few minutes ago. I hope my medication kicks in soon. I smile in spite of my thoughts and give my mum some type of mundane answer to get her off my back.
“I don’t know, but maybe this could be good?” She smiles back at me. She hasn’t smiled at me in a few days so it feels good to see it, but at the same time I inwardly cringe at what I just said. It was bullshit! I don’t want to go on this fucking blind date with my step-Robin. It’s by far Dr. Baker’s worst idea since suggesting to my mum that it would be fine if I walked her down the aisle.
I grab an orange after inhaling the banana, and my attention is brought from my mum to the noise of a key being put into the front door.
“Mum?” Gemma walks into the kitchen and musses my hair like she used to do when we were still kids before she kisses me on the forehead. I wipe off the kiss while pulling a face at her and then kiss my hand and slap her arm to return the affection. I love Gemma....and I think my meds are kicking in.
“Hi Barry.”
Fuck!
Tamsin walks in shortly after Gemma and I almost swear I can feel my mood slowly going back to shit. I groan at the stupid nickname she gives me and glare at her, nodding my head without speaking before I get up from the table and head back towards my room. I shouldn’t be in the same room as her right now, even though it wasn’t her fault it’s mine. But in my defense, she did know that Reagan and I were back together when we did it. She’s a horrible person same as me. Before I can get to the top of the stairs my mum calls me again. I can never seem to make it fully up the damn stairs.
“What?!” I snap but apologize right after.
“...Sorry, I mean yes?” I go back down and stick my head in the kitchen so I can hear my mum.
Gemma is on the phone trying to see if the venue for my mums wedding will still allow her to have it there even without a full list of attendants and Tamsin just grins at me causing me to cringe.
“Robin said he’ll be here shortly so go get dressed.” As if I didn’t fucking know that already!
“Okay.” I turn to leave but she says something else something that I really wish she wouldn’t have said in front of Gemma.
“Did Reagan say that she could make the wedding?” Gemma glares at me then looks at mum still holding her mobile to her ear. Gemma still isn’t exactly Reagan’s biggest fan at the moment and she’s been trying to warn me against her ever since she found out that I had her here that morning when she brought by the seating charts. She mutes her mobile to not distract from the phone call that she’s having and then looks back at me.
“You’re still with Reagan after everything that’s gone on and everything we’ve talked about?”
“Gem don’t.” I warn her, hoping not to get into an argument early in the morning. Tamsin’s grin gets deeper and it makes me sick.
“It’s alright Gemma, she’s alright. It’s my wedding, I invited her.” Gemma gives our mum a puzzled look before she rolls her eyes like a brat and takes the phone off mute. My mum looks back to me waiting for my answer and I tell her that Reagan will be there...or least I hope she will and hasn’t changed her mind since she told me she would last night.
I shower and get dressed in some boots, black skinny jeans, a long sleeved t-shirt, my jacket, and some snapback I stole from Niall when we were smoking and went back downstairs in the hopes that Gemma and Tamsin were gone. I was dreading every step I took down. My legs felt heavy as if my body were telling me to stay home and blow the makeshift ‘date’ off. I know that I can’t do that and it makes me feel angry and anxious as I sit in the family room and wait on Robin to get here. He sure is taking his bloody time, maybe he doesn’t want to do this as much as I don’t. I haven’t had a proper conversation with the man in almost two months.
I slouch down in my chair and wait for him while my mum talks to me. I smile and nod to what she’s saying even though I’m not really paying that much attention, only catching phrases here and there. My ears are ringing. This whole damn thing is going to be forced and awkward just like the phone call that I had to make to ask him if he wanted to spend some ‘quality time’ with me.
*Flash Back*
I went into my room before I left for work, silently cursing Dr. Baker in my head for throwing this deal breaker she threw into the mix to come in between the need I have to move out. I don’t know what to say to Robin for barely ten minutes of the day let alone a whole half of one! I took a deep breath and scrolled through my contacts until I got to his number. Fucking Dr. Baker and her goddamn rules she makes up as she goes...so un-fucking fair and unreasonable! I slightly chuckle to myself humorlessly when I realize how childish my thoughts seem, but I’m the only one who appears to understand why I need to keep my distance from him. He answered on the fifth ring.
“Harry? How are you lad?”
“Hi Robin...um, fine. I need to do this thing for therapy and I was wondering if you would agree to it.”
“Sure. What’s going on then?”
I felt like cotton was in my mouth and my throat was trying to block the words from leaving my lips. I swallow down the feeling before I continue to speak, rushing the sentence as I do.
“I have to spend time with you before my next session with Dr. Baker for a progression exercise so do you want to go do something before Friday? If you don’t have time that’s fine too.”
Please don’t have time.
“Of course I’ll spend time with you Harry.”
Aw fuck!
“Okay thanks. Thursday then, bye.”
*End Flashback*
The doorbell rang and I jumped slightly as I was brought out of my thoughts, mildly startled by the noise. My mum got up to answer the door and as soon as she opened it I stood to leave, walking past Robin without saying anything.
I was up when the sun came up, not able to get much to any sleep last night. I was surprised because it wasn’t only the bad dream that kept me awake this time, it was my own guilt. I feel terrible about what I did and I can’t get the look that was on Reagan’s tear stained face out of my mind. I sent her several text messages last night but she didn’t answer. The red digital clock on my bedside table resembled my eye whites from lack of sleep I’m sure and I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
It’s seven thirty and I know she’s getting ready for work right now...probably getting dressed, pulling a pencil skirt or some office trousers up her legs that are so long and shapely. They seem like they go on for miles and then when they stop they end at the beautiful curve of her ass. The skin there is so soft and I love it when I wake up and she’s next to me and she’s only wearing her knickers and a t-shirt, with her back to her my front. That’s when I get to have sneaky feels. She usually thinks I’m sleeping and brushing up against her on accident, but her skin is so milky smooth and warm in the morning it damn near calls my hands there to touch her, but only just barely, ghosting all most. Every time I do it goose bumps rise on her skin. I love it when her body reacts to me, even when she’s sleeping. I smile to myself and realize that I’ve gotten carried away with my thoughts. I didn’t have morning wood when I was lying looking at the ceiling but I definitely do now. Great.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” I sigh to myself frustrated, in reference to my junk and then it hits me. I probably wouldn’t have this dilemma if I wasn’t so fucked up. She would be here with me...and said problem would probably be getting worked on and why use your own hand when someone has been doing it for you? Wanking hasn’t even been the same since that night that Reagan got me off.
I picked up my phone to text Reagan again. I know I shouldn’t crowd her and give her time to be pissed at me but I miss her. I really want to see her, and in the back of my mind I know that she’ll be working with Peyton today, the fucking tosser! My thumbs move quickly over the touch screen keyboard of the I phone as I desperately send her a message hoping for a reply. She could tell me to fuck off and I would still be happy. I need her and I’m pathetic.
To: Glasses
G’morning...I miss you. I love you. I’m so sorry.
I turn over in bed and look at the side she lays on when she spends the night and not sleeping on my chest and my heart constricts. Nights are a little bit more bearable when she’s here next to me. It doesn’t completely stop my dreams, but they don’t happen as often. My phone vibrates against my chest where I let it lie and I damn near jump out of my skin to answer it, then get annoyed when I see it’s only my mum.
From: Mum
Harold, I heard you’re hanging out with Robin today. He’s so excited!
I scrunched my nose and allowed my eyebrows to knot because A) she’s downstairs and she could have simply come up to tell me about Robins excitement. A text wasn’t necessary. B) I forgot that I was supposed to be ‘hanging out’ with him today. I don’t fucking want to and I have to miss out on work because of it, and C) I was hoping that text was from Reagan and not my mum! It’s like she knew I was expecting a text and did that to tease me on purpose!
I put my phone back down, not responding to my mum and run a hand through my hair which is significantly curly today and attempt to push it off of my face into a quiff. I can feel myself getting overly annoyed and as soon as I get out of bed to get my meds that I would definitely fucking need if I was gonna spend the better half of my goddamn day uncomfortable and too fucking close to Robin for both of our fucking safeties to prove a point that I wasn’t ready to do for Dr. Baker and her own sick ‘progression purposes’, my phone vibrated. I picked it up feeling myself get antsier as I thought it was going to be my mum again, but my heart drummed ten times its normal speed when I saw that it was glasses.
From: Glasses
Hi...
One forced word. She’s still pissed and she has every right to be, but at least she said something.
To: Glasses
How are you this morning?
Stupid question, she feels like shit and I know it! I wish I hadn’t sent it but she’s already responded.
From: Glasses
Confused, hurt, sad....
She feels like I did after she told me about her and Peyton and I clench my jaw at the thought of her having to be around that dick head today. I want to rush to her hotel room hold her and not let her go until she knows how sorry I really am, but I only go as far as an offer so that I can try to see her.
To: Glasses
Do you need a ride to work? I can take you...
Please say yes...
From: Glasses
I’ve already called a taxi. Thank you though.
I wish all forms of public transport would shut down, that way she would have no choice but to go with me. My mind starts to roam as I make my way downstairs and the last thing it lands on before my mum snaps me out of my thoughts and into the dismal reality that is today and today’s events, is the fact that glasses will have to be in close quarters with that asshole.
To: Glasses
It’s killing me that I hurt you, driving me insane in fact (that’s hard to do when I already am). I miss you and it’s only been a few hours. I’m pathetic...and rambling, in a text message...Have a good day at work, I love you glasses.
From: Glasses
You’re not pathetic H. Stop saying you’re crazy...
She doesn’t tell me that she loves me back and even though it makes my rib-cage feel like its tightening around my lungs, I’m just grateful that she responded to me.
I take my seat at the table after I grab a box of cereal for my mum that she was straining to get on tip toe from the cupboard and grab my meds. She seems to be in a better place with me now forgiving my dismissal of her seating charts after she found out that I was going to spend the day with Robin. She thinks I’m trying to put in effort, but I’m not. I’m being forced and I feel cornered. I have no other choice. It’s the only way that I can get what I want, what I need really. I can’t live here with them. It’s safer if I don’t.
I pop two of the pills when my thoughts put me on edge. Sometimes I think the only thing that causes my mood shifts is me, but when my mum speaks I realize that’s not true.
“Where are you and Robin going today?” See? It’s annoying! I shrug my shoulders and stand from my seat to grab a banana from the fruit bowl on the middle of the counter. I don’t know where he’s planned to take me and that puts me even more on edge than I was a few minutes ago. I hope my medication kicks in soon. I smile in spite of my thoughts and give my mum some type of mundane answer to get her off my back.
“I don’t know, but maybe this could be good?” She smiles back at me. She hasn’t smiled at me in a few days so it feels good to see it, but at the same time I inwardly cringe at what I just said. It was bullshit! I don’t want to go on this fucking blind date with my step-Robin. It’s by far Dr. Baker’s worst idea since suggesting to my mum that it would be fine if I walked her down the aisle.
I grab an orange after inhaling the banana, and my attention is brought from my mum to the noise of a key being put into the front door.
“Mum?” Gemma walks into the kitchen and musses my hair like she used to do when we were still kids before she kisses me on the forehead. I wipe off the kiss while pulling a face at her and then kiss my hand and slap her arm to return the affection. I love Gemma....and I think my meds are kicking in.
“Hi Barry.”
Fuck!
Tamsin walks in shortly after Gemma and I almost swear I can feel my mood slowly going back to shit. I groan at the stupid nickname she gives me and glare at her, nodding my head without speaking before I get up from the table and head back towards my room. I shouldn’t be in the same room as her right now, even though it wasn’t her fault it’s mine. But in my defense, she did know that Reagan and I were back together when we did it. She’s a horrible person same as me. Before I can get to the top of the stairs my mum calls me again. I can never seem to make it fully up the damn stairs.
“What?!” I snap but apologize right after.
“...Sorry, I mean yes?” I go back down and stick my head in the kitchen so I can hear my mum.
Gemma is on the phone trying to see if the venue for my mums wedding will still allow her to have it there even without a full list of attendants and Tamsin just grins at me causing me to cringe.
“Robin said he’ll be here shortly so go get dressed.” As if I didn’t fucking know that already!
“Okay.” I turn to leave but she says something else something that I really wish she wouldn’t have said in front of Gemma.
“Did Reagan say that she could make the wedding?” Gemma glares at me then looks at mum still holding her mobile to her ear. Gemma still isn’t exactly Reagan’s biggest fan at the moment and she’s been trying to warn me against her ever since she found out that I had her here that morning when she brought by the seating charts. She mutes her mobile to not distract from the phone call that she’s having and then looks back at me.
“You’re still with Reagan after everything that’s gone on and everything we’ve talked about?”
“Gem don’t.” I warn her, hoping not to get into an argument early in the morning. Tamsin’s grin gets deeper and it makes me sick.
“It’s alright Gemma, she’s alright. It’s my wedding, I invited her.” Gemma gives our mum a puzzled look before she rolls her eyes like a brat and takes the phone off mute. My mum looks back to me waiting for my answer and I tell her that Reagan will be there...or least I hope she will and hasn’t changed her mind since she told me she would last night.
I shower and get dressed in some boots, black skinny jeans, a long sleeved t-shirt, my jacket, and some snapback I stole from Niall when we were smoking and went back downstairs in the hopes that Gemma and Tamsin were gone. I was dreading every step I took down. My legs felt heavy as if my body were telling me to stay home and blow the makeshift ‘date’ off. I know that I can’t do that and it makes me feel angry and anxious as I sit in the family room and wait on Robin to get here. He sure is taking his bloody time, maybe he doesn’t want to do this as much as I don’t. I haven’t had a proper conversation with the man in almost two months.
I slouch down in my chair and wait for him while my mum talks to me. I smile and nod to what she’s saying even though I’m not really paying that much attention, only catching phrases here and there. My ears are ringing. This whole damn thing is going to be forced and awkward just like the phone call that I had to make to ask him if he wanted to spend some ‘quality time’ with me.
*Flash Back*
I went into my room before I left for work, silently cursing Dr. Baker in my head for throwing this deal breaker she threw into the mix to come in between the need I have to move out. I don’t know what to say to Robin for barely ten minutes of the day let alone a whole half of one! I took a deep breath and scrolled through my contacts until I got to his number. Fucking Dr. Baker and her goddamn rules she makes up as she goes...so un-fucking fair and unreasonable! I slightly chuckle to myself humorlessly when I realize how childish my thoughts seem, but I’m the only one who appears to understand why I need to keep my distance from him. He answered on the fifth ring.
“Harry? How are you lad?”
“Hi Robin...um, fine. I need to do this thing for therapy and I was wondering if you would agree to it.”
“Sure. What’s going on then?”
I felt like cotton was in my mouth and my throat was trying to block the words from leaving my lips. I swallow down the feeling before I continue to speak, rushing the sentence as I do.
“I have to spend time with you before my next session with Dr. Baker for a progression exercise so do you want to go do something before Friday? If you don’t have time that’s fine too.”
Please don’t have time.
“Of course I’ll spend time with you Harry.”
Aw fuck!
“Okay thanks. Thursday then, bye.”
*End Flashback*
The doorbell rang and I jumped slightly as I was brought out of my thoughts, mildly startled by the noise. My mum got up to answer the door and as soon as she opened it I stood to leave, walking past Robin without saying anything.
haha mine too they always try to put an extra "a" in it
4/1/14