It Takes Patience II: Guarded
Chapter 31: Pitfalls
*Harry’s POV*
When I got into Dr. Bakers office I was on edge, annoyed, and frustrated with myself. I sat on the couch and went in and out of the conversation she was trying to have with me. I’m so knackered and it’s making it hard to focus in on anything that’s being said. It was almost like sleeping with my eyes open except getting no form of rest or relief from it. My mind was racing trying to think of a thousand ways to tell Reagan what I did without it ending us, but no idea no matter how many different scenarios I came up with ended well in my head. I blinked my eyes seeing as how they were going dry from me staring into space. When I refocused them on the plaques on Dr. Baker’s wall behind her, I started to count. Something is different. She got a new one I think. The count has gone up since the last time I’ve been here.
“Harold?”
“Hm? Sorry what?”
“I said I assume you know that I’ve talked to your mother about your disposing of her seating charts for the wedding. Why did you do that?”
I looked at Dr. Baker and opened my mouth to tell her then shut it again. This is a trap. I’m not coming back here due to a behavioral relapse... Am I relapsing? I don’t think I am, but then again my thoughts are clouded, hazed over by lack of sleep and common sense. I’m such an idiot and a puppet like Louis so vividly put it.
I shrugged my shoulders and crossed my arms instead of putting myself into a deeper hole than I’m already in; something I learn is not a good thing to do in front of a person who basically has a degree in body language and accessing your personal thoughts like a thief in the night. Nothing is sacred or safe here in the office of a therapist, especially when it comes to trying to keep things to yourself.
Dr. Baker began to analyze me as she spoke making me feel more uneasy than I already am.
“You’re folding your arms which means you’re guarded and the way you shrugged your shoulders tells me that you’re trying to brush off the question even though you have an answer to it. What are you hiding Harold?”
There’s that question again, the question of the day apparently. I didn’t want to answer it earlier when Reagan asked and I won’t want to answer it now. If I do, my chances of living alone before I turn twenty-one will be slim to none. I need out of that house as soon as my mother gets married. I open my mouth to speak but yawn unexpectedly. My body knows that I’m tired, if only my mind can catch up or slowdown, whatever would allow me to close my eyes first.
Dr. Baker looks at me again, more closely this time and I sit back into the couch trying to run away from her invasive gaze. Her grey-blue eyes seem to study my face and I can feel myself contorting it. Why does she have to look at me so closely.
“Are you alright Harry? You look tired, drained actually. Have you been sleeping?”
SHIT!
I turned my face away slightly before I answer both of her questions, changing the subject back to a touchy one for me to evade the truth hidden behind the dark circles under my eyes.
“I’m fine thanks...It was a mistake. I didn’t mean to throw away her charts. I put them in my pocket and I thought they were something else when I put them in the bin. When me and my mum argued, I was annoyed already with Re-, with someone that I work with. That’s why I went off. I told her sorry.” I did apologize, but it hasn’t helped much. I’m sorry it hurt her, not sorry for what I did.
Dr. Baker put down her pen and took off her glasses rubbing her eyes in frustration. She’s not the only one who can read people, but I’m sure that psychiatrists aren’t supposed to show their frustrations when they know that a patient is completely hopeless.
“You’re lying Harold.”
“I’m not.” I spoke a bit too defensively, quickly getting agitated. I just want this whole day to be over. I want to sleep. I want Reagan, to hold her and not break her down any further than she already has been even though that seems inevitable, there’s still a glimmer of hope that I have for us. We’re both human, we both messed up, but in this situation I’m worse and I know it.
Dr. Baker put on her glasses and picked up her pen again, before she began jotting something else down bringing my attention back to her. I always wished that I knew what it was that she was writing. I want to see my case file. Maybe it will help me get a better understanding of myself and why I am the way I am. Sometimes I feel as if I’m being sucked in by something much more than just a disorder. When I first came to Maudsley I was sure that I was a monster. I try to fight that feeling back, but it’s getting stronger and stronger every time I have a dream about the day the nightmare occurred. Dr. Baker changed the subject, and though I was thankful for it, I know it will come back up again and that it’s only stored away temporarily.
“Have you spent much time with Robin?” My eyebrows knitted. Is that really necessary?
“Yes.” Lies, all lies.
“When is the last time you spent time with him?”
I contort my face again but in concentration this time as I try to search for an answer. It’s taken me too long and Dr. Baker interrupts my thoughts when she speaks again.
“Dig deep Harry.”
I pressed my lips in a hard line and then it came to me. I really haven’t talked to Robin that much at all. He, my mum, and Gemma would alternate ‘shifts’ when they had to work and I was on suicide watch, but every time he was there, Gemma was too. He was at my house some days on hours on end and I really desperately tried to avoid contact with him. Our relationship has changed a bit since I found out he wanted to marry my mum. I still love him, but it’s safer that I love him at a distance for the both of us. I rolled my eyes, yawned, and shrugged my shoulders again before I responded.
“I dunno.” I looked at the clock and then smiled briefly to myself. I only have five minutes left.
“Before your session next week I want you to go spend some quality time with him. It will be good for you I think.”
When she spoke the tiredness that was draining my body was replaced with an untamed energy. My eyebrows instantly furrowed and my skin began to heat up. That is not a good idea for either of us!
“No.”
“Harold-”
“No I’ll see him at the goddamn wedding, that’s enough quality time. Five full hours of Robin and my mum in my face, that should be enough for anyone really.”
“You will spend time Harold or our deal is off. That wasn’t a question. It was a command, an exercise for you in your progress.”
“I don’t need an exercise! Have I not progressed enough? I’m out of Maudsley now for fucks sake!...Sorry.” I apologized for my use of ‘foul language of a sailor’, but my paranoia level continued to climb at the thought of having to be alone with Robin. I’ve done it before, but under totally different circumstances. Dr. Baker dismissed me not allowing me to talk my way out of her exercise and I text Reagan in hopes that she would be off early today.
*Reagan’s POV*
When I got out of the car I was fuming and eager to get inside. What had Peyton gone to that bar for and what did he do that would set Harry off so much as to give him a warning? Dr. Koch greeted me in the best way he knew how, a glance up and down and a slight turn up of the nose, before he gave me a stack of papers to read through about the case that he was working on.
There wasn’t much talking today seeing as how everyone was engrossed in what they were doing, but every once in a while, Peyton and I made awkward eye contact. I would look at him with the most hardening eyes that I could muster, but he would only give me smile back. Does he not know that I can’t stand him? Doesn’t he know that he shouldn’t try to fuck with my H. and then try to be friendly with me afterwards? I rolled my eyes and continued to read over and highlight the mountains and mountains of bitch work that Dr. Koch handed me until I felt my phone vibrate against my hip. I looked around to make sure that I wasn’t being watched before I took out the device and read the message.
From: Harry Pleassssse?!
I need to talk to you tonight. What time will you be off?...I love you.
I look at the papers in front of me and then at Dr. Koch trying to assess his mood, hoping that he’s in a good one...is he ever in a good mood? The man never smiles...never. I remove the scrunch of my nose from the thought and glance around the room again and sneakily text Harry back.
To: Harry Pleassssse?!
I don’t have an answer to that sadly. I was trying to see if I could read Dr. Koch’s expression to see if he would be nice today, but I don’t think that is humanly possible for him ^_◦. Are you okay? I love you baby.
From: Harry Pleassssse?!
Where’d that come from glasses?:)
I tried to hide the grin on my face to blend in more with the dull feeling of the office, but I’m failing to. The first text he sent me seemed serious and now he’s...shocked and playful? He shouldn’t be. I’ve called him this before. I decide to play coy when I text him back, wanting the light banter to continue between us.
To: Harry Pleassssse?!
Where did what come from baby?
From: Harry Pleassssse?!
That, that ‘baby’ thing.
To: Harry Pleassssse?!
I’ve called you baby before. Does it bother you now? I’m requesting time off for your mom’s wedding today. Hopefully Dr. Crab ass isn’t still angry at me for yesterday.
From: Harry Pleassssse?!
No it doesn’t bother me that you call me it. I like it a lot love. Maybe too much...
I smiled again and reread the text. I love it so much when he plays along with me and when he calls me ‘love’ my heart flutters in my chest. I can almost hear him say it as if he’s here right now and it makes me giddy and turns me on. I try to shift the mood to something maybe a bit more seductive and start to text him about this morning when Peyton interrupts and startles me. Fuck.
“Did you get the text I sent you last night?”
“Yes Peyton I did.” I just haven’t bothered to read it.
“So would you be willing to do that? I mean you kind of have to catch up from what you weren’t allowed to do yesterday. Dr. Koch kind of insists on it”
Do what?
I cock an eyebrow at him and tilt my head cautiously before I look back at my phone to open his text.
From: Peyton
Dr. Koch and Dr. Adams want us to get together so I can give you the information you missed today. We can meet in one of our rooms or we can go to a neutral spot like the dining area at the Savoy. It’s going to take a bit you missed a lot and they expect you to be caught up. They’re hard asses, but I can definitely help.
I gripped my phone so tight I thought I would break it. I can’t, I don’t want to, and I won’t.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea Peyton. Can’t you just give me the papers and I’ll read over what I missed myself.”
“It’s not really papers, that’s the thing. It’s a new discovery they made in the case study and I’m sure there’s some terms in there that you won’t understand. I hear Dr. Koch likes to give quizzes. You’ll fail without the information and he expects you to get it from me just as a professor would take it upon you to get a missed assignment from a pupil.”
I slumped my shoulders in defeat and ran a hand over my face. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
“The Savoy dining area Peyton. You will not be coming to my room and I will not be coming to yours.” Peyton put his hands up in defense while nodding his head in understanding.
“Tomorrow then?”
“Yes Peyton tomorrow is fine...Now leave me alone I have work to do.” Peyton gave me a small smile before walking back over to his desk. Maybe when I get this 'new information' I can relay Harry's message to Peyton and make my own clear.
When I got into Dr. Bakers office I was on edge, annoyed, and frustrated with myself. I sat on the couch and went in and out of the conversation she was trying to have with me. I’m so knackered and it’s making it hard to focus in on anything that’s being said. It was almost like sleeping with my eyes open except getting no form of rest or relief from it. My mind was racing trying to think of a thousand ways to tell Reagan what I did without it ending us, but no idea no matter how many different scenarios I came up with ended well in my head. I blinked my eyes seeing as how they were going dry from me staring into space. When I refocused them on the plaques on Dr. Baker’s wall behind her, I started to count. Something is different. She got a new one I think. The count has gone up since the last time I’ve been here.
“Harold?”
“Hm? Sorry what?”
“I said I assume you know that I’ve talked to your mother about your disposing of her seating charts for the wedding. Why did you do that?”
I looked at Dr. Baker and opened my mouth to tell her then shut it again. This is a trap. I’m not coming back here due to a behavioral relapse... Am I relapsing? I don’t think I am, but then again my thoughts are clouded, hazed over by lack of sleep and common sense. I’m such an idiot and a puppet like Louis so vividly put it.
I shrugged my shoulders and crossed my arms instead of putting myself into a deeper hole than I’m already in; something I learn is not a good thing to do in front of a person who basically has a degree in body language and accessing your personal thoughts like a thief in the night. Nothing is sacred or safe here in the office of a therapist, especially when it comes to trying to keep things to yourself.
Dr. Baker began to analyze me as she spoke making me feel more uneasy than I already am.
“You’re folding your arms which means you’re guarded and the way you shrugged your shoulders tells me that you’re trying to brush off the question even though you have an answer to it. What are you hiding Harold?”
There’s that question again, the question of the day apparently. I didn’t want to answer it earlier when Reagan asked and I won’t want to answer it now. If I do, my chances of living alone before I turn twenty-one will be slim to none. I need out of that house as soon as my mother gets married. I open my mouth to speak but yawn unexpectedly. My body knows that I’m tired, if only my mind can catch up or slowdown, whatever would allow me to close my eyes first.
Dr. Baker looks at me again, more closely this time and I sit back into the couch trying to run away from her invasive gaze. Her grey-blue eyes seem to study my face and I can feel myself contorting it. Why does she have to look at me so closely.
“Are you alright Harry? You look tired, drained actually. Have you been sleeping?”
SHIT!
I turned my face away slightly before I answer both of her questions, changing the subject back to a touchy one for me to evade the truth hidden behind the dark circles under my eyes.
“I’m fine thanks...It was a mistake. I didn’t mean to throw away her charts. I put them in my pocket and I thought they were something else when I put them in the bin. When me and my mum argued, I was annoyed already with Re-, with someone that I work with. That’s why I went off. I told her sorry.” I did apologize, but it hasn’t helped much. I’m sorry it hurt her, not sorry for what I did.
Dr. Baker put down her pen and took off her glasses rubbing her eyes in frustration. She’s not the only one who can read people, but I’m sure that psychiatrists aren’t supposed to show their frustrations when they know that a patient is completely hopeless.
“You’re lying Harold.”
“I’m not.” I spoke a bit too defensively, quickly getting agitated. I just want this whole day to be over. I want to sleep. I want Reagan, to hold her and not break her down any further than she already has been even though that seems inevitable, there’s still a glimmer of hope that I have for us. We’re both human, we both messed up, but in this situation I’m worse and I know it.
Dr. Baker put on her glasses and picked up her pen again, before she began jotting something else down bringing my attention back to her. I always wished that I knew what it was that she was writing. I want to see my case file. Maybe it will help me get a better understanding of myself and why I am the way I am. Sometimes I feel as if I’m being sucked in by something much more than just a disorder. When I first came to Maudsley I was sure that I was a monster. I try to fight that feeling back, but it’s getting stronger and stronger every time I have a dream about the day the nightmare occurred. Dr. Baker changed the subject, and though I was thankful for it, I know it will come back up again and that it’s only stored away temporarily.
“Have you spent much time with Robin?” My eyebrows knitted. Is that really necessary?
“Yes.” Lies, all lies.
“When is the last time you spent time with him?”
I contort my face again but in concentration this time as I try to search for an answer. It’s taken me too long and Dr. Baker interrupts my thoughts when she speaks again.
“Dig deep Harry.”
I pressed my lips in a hard line and then it came to me. I really haven’t talked to Robin that much at all. He, my mum, and Gemma would alternate ‘shifts’ when they had to work and I was on suicide watch, but every time he was there, Gemma was too. He was at my house some days on hours on end and I really desperately tried to avoid contact with him. Our relationship has changed a bit since I found out he wanted to marry my mum. I still love him, but it’s safer that I love him at a distance for the both of us. I rolled my eyes, yawned, and shrugged my shoulders again before I responded.
“I dunno.” I looked at the clock and then smiled briefly to myself. I only have five minutes left.
“Before your session next week I want you to go spend some quality time with him. It will be good for you I think.”
When she spoke the tiredness that was draining my body was replaced with an untamed energy. My eyebrows instantly furrowed and my skin began to heat up. That is not a good idea for either of us!
“No.”
“Harold-”
“No I’ll see him at the goddamn wedding, that’s enough quality time. Five full hours of Robin and my mum in my face, that should be enough for anyone really.”
“You will spend time Harold or our deal is off. That wasn’t a question. It was a command, an exercise for you in your progress.”
“I don’t need an exercise! Have I not progressed enough? I’m out of Maudsley now for fucks sake!...Sorry.” I apologized for my use of ‘foul language of a sailor’, but my paranoia level continued to climb at the thought of having to be alone with Robin. I’ve done it before, but under totally different circumstances. Dr. Baker dismissed me not allowing me to talk my way out of her exercise and I text Reagan in hopes that she would be off early today.
*Reagan’s POV*
When I got out of the car I was fuming and eager to get inside. What had Peyton gone to that bar for and what did he do that would set Harry off so much as to give him a warning? Dr. Koch greeted me in the best way he knew how, a glance up and down and a slight turn up of the nose, before he gave me a stack of papers to read through about the case that he was working on.
There wasn’t much talking today seeing as how everyone was engrossed in what they were doing, but every once in a while, Peyton and I made awkward eye contact. I would look at him with the most hardening eyes that I could muster, but he would only give me smile back. Does he not know that I can’t stand him? Doesn’t he know that he shouldn’t try to fuck with my H. and then try to be friendly with me afterwards? I rolled my eyes and continued to read over and highlight the mountains and mountains of bitch work that Dr. Koch handed me until I felt my phone vibrate against my hip. I looked around to make sure that I wasn’t being watched before I took out the device and read the message.
From: Harry Pleassssse?!
I need to talk to you tonight. What time will you be off?...I love you.
I look at the papers in front of me and then at Dr. Koch trying to assess his mood, hoping that he’s in a good one...is he ever in a good mood? The man never smiles...never. I remove the scrunch of my nose from the thought and glance around the room again and sneakily text Harry back.
To: Harry Pleassssse?!
I don’t have an answer to that sadly. I was trying to see if I could read Dr. Koch’s expression to see if he would be nice today, but I don’t think that is humanly possible for him ^_◦. Are you okay? I love you baby.
From: Harry Pleassssse?!
Where’d that come from glasses?:)
I tried to hide the grin on my face to blend in more with the dull feeling of the office, but I’m failing to. The first text he sent me seemed serious and now he’s...shocked and playful? He shouldn’t be. I’ve called him this before. I decide to play coy when I text him back, wanting the light banter to continue between us.
To: Harry Pleassssse?!
Where did what come from baby?
From: Harry Pleassssse?!
That, that ‘baby’ thing.
To: Harry Pleassssse?!
I’ve called you baby before. Does it bother you now? I’m requesting time off for your mom’s wedding today. Hopefully Dr. Crab ass isn’t still angry at me for yesterday.
From: Harry Pleassssse?!
No it doesn’t bother me that you call me it. I like it a lot love. Maybe too much...
I smiled again and reread the text. I love it so much when he plays along with me and when he calls me ‘love’ my heart flutters in my chest. I can almost hear him say it as if he’s here right now and it makes me giddy and turns me on. I try to shift the mood to something maybe a bit more seductive and start to text him about this morning when Peyton interrupts and startles me. Fuck.
“Did you get the text I sent you last night?”
“Yes Peyton I did.” I just haven’t bothered to read it.
“So would you be willing to do that? I mean you kind of have to catch up from what you weren’t allowed to do yesterday. Dr. Koch kind of insists on it”
Do what?
I cock an eyebrow at him and tilt my head cautiously before I look back at my phone to open his text.
From: Peyton
Dr. Koch and Dr. Adams want us to get together so I can give you the information you missed today. We can meet in one of our rooms or we can go to a neutral spot like the dining area at the Savoy. It’s going to take a bit you missed a lot and they expect you to be caught up. They’re hard asses, but I can definitely help.
I gripped my phone so tight I thought I would break it. I can’t, I don’t want to, and I won’t.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea Peyton. Can’t you just give me the papers and I’ll read over what I missed myself.”
“It’s not really papers, that’s the thing. It’s a new discovery they made in the case study and I’m sure there’s some terms in there that you won’t understand. I hear Dr. Koch likes to give quizzes. You’ll fail without the information and he expects you to get it from me just as a professor would take it upon you to get a missed assignment from a pupil.”
I slumped my shoulders in defeat and ran a hand over my face. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
“The Savoy dining area Peyton. You will not be coming to my room and I will not be coming to yours.” Peyton put his hands up in defense while nodding his head in understanding.
“Tomorrow then?”
“Yes Peyton tomorrow is fine...Now leave me alone I have work to do.” Peyton gave me a small smile before walking back over to his desk. Maybe when I get this 'new information' I can relay Harry's message to Peyton and make my own clear.
Notes
NEW CHAPTER NEW CHAPTER NEW CHAPTER BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! The first thing I'm going to say is going to be in bold because I need you all to know I mean it. I love you guys soo much and I cant THANK YOU all enough! I was scrolling through the popular pages looking up stories and I happened to stumble upon MY OWN STORY! When I started writing this fanfiction it was purely because I wanted to try to improve my creative writing skills (and well because I love 1D and I was bored) I never expected to get the feedback I got. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZAYN! I was so excited haha.Anyway so the notes aren't longer than the chapter, be sure to tell me what you think about it! give me feedback comments (You know I love talking to you all!) and be sure to continue to vote and subscribe if you're enjoying my story and would like me to continue with it. I LOVE YOU ALL SOOO MUCH FOR READING HAVE SOME SHOCKED HARRY and ZAYN! P.S. HELLO NEW SUBSCRIBERS! ~Xx
haha mine too they always try to put an extra "a" in it
4/1/14