Niall P.O.V

“So Niall, why have you come to see me?”

I just kind of stared at my new therapist, not willing to tell him the reason for my visit.

“Your friend Harry told me a little bit, but I’d like to hear you tell me,” he pressed.

“I’m here for Harry. I’m here for Harry,” I repeated, seeing how the words tasted in my mouth. “I’m here because I believe he’s good for me. But then again I thought Liam was good for me, and look how that turned out, I mean look at me now.”

“How about you tell me a little bit about this Liam,” he said.

“If you don’t mind doc, I’d prefer to not talk about him at this moment,” I said. If Liam was brought up, feelings would be brought up and I’ll break down if that happens. I can’t break down again.

“That’s fine; we’ll come to everything in your own time. How about you tell me about Harry? He seems to be a big part of your life,” he said, changing the topic to something safer.

“Well as you should know we’re in a band, at least I think we’re still in a band. Anyway, Harry is amazing. He picked me up out of the hole I was in and stayed with me after the, the ah, incident. Or incidents, there have been a few now,” I trailed off.

“He seems to care for you a great deal,” Dr Wise responded.

“Yeah he does, and I care for him to, but I continue to hurt him,” I replied. I was saying a lot more than I had planned.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked.

“I mean that Harry loves me, but I can’t love him back, I can’t allow myself to feel like that again,” I said.

“Okay, well I feel that I need to know more about what happened a few weeks ago to fully understand your situation. Harry said it was something that happened between you and one of your band mates, Liam wasn’t it?”

Why did he have to ask these questions? I don’t want anyone to know. I couldn’t do this. But somehow when I opened my mouth to say so, everything else came rushing out.

“I fell in love, Doc. I fell in love with Liam, and I thought he loved me too, but it turned out that I was completely wrong. He cheated on me, embarrassed me in front of our fans, broke my hand, and turned me into a shadow of the guy I used to be. The person sitting in front of you isn’t me, but it’s the person I’ve had to become to survive,” I finished, eyes watery.

“Harry, told me about the roof,” he said, simply.

“Of course he did. So did Harry tell you everything? Is there any reason for me to be here at all?” I said, angrily.

“He told me what I needed to know, now it’s up to you to fill in the blanks,” he replied calmly. “Do you think about suicide, Niall?”

He asked it so calmly, I couldn’t believe it.

“I thought about the bigger picture. I thought about the world as a whole and that even though I’m in this massive boy band, I haven’t really made a difference to anything. I thought about people’s lives and if they would be better without me. And yes it just so happens that I thought about this on a rooftop edge, so what?” I said.

“Niall if you had thought of one negative you could have stepped off of the edge. And that would have been suicide,” he answered, writing something in his little black book.

“I did think of many negatives, but that’s when Harry showed up. Harry always showed up,” he continued to write. “What are you writing? I’m not suicidal,” I said, leaning forward in my seat to look.

“You don’t need to concern yourself with what I’m writing Niall. Now I need you to tell me about Liam, he seems to be what started all of this, tell me about him. What happened?” he said, closing the book and leaning back in his armchair.

“Well like I said I feel in love with him. I told him this; I wrote him a fucking song and sang it to him. That’s when he left and fucked some random girl. After that he ignored me that was until he finally got the guts to dump me, in the harshest way possible might I add. And I guess from there everything spiralled out of control. Harry told me I have an addiction to sex, alcohol and drugs. I’m sure you’ve seen the photos, read the papers?” he nodded. “Well, I think I’m just trying to survive after my heart was practically ripped out of my chest. I don’t think it would have been too bad though, except Louis and Zayn hate me, and I have to see Liam every day for as long as the band stays together, knowing that I can never have him. Because he doesn’t love me,” I finished, I hadn’t realised I was crying, until tears fell down off my chin. I swiped them away quickly.

Dr Wise only nodded, why isn’t he helping me? “Well I can see why you would be feeling this way. So how does Harry come into this equation?”

“Well, Harry found me on the roof a few days ago after I fucked some random guy; I don’t even remember his name. And I was telling him that everything meant nothing to me anymore, that he was nothing and that’s when he kissed me, and then we’ve kind of been together ever since I suppose. But he loves me, and I can’t love him back, and that hurts him, so it’s hurting me. And I’m only trying to make the numbness go away and Harry does that, if only for a little while, and I close the hole in him, but I think in the end I’m only making it worse for him. And I feel bad, because even though Liam doesn’t care for me, I love him and being with Harry feels like I’m cheating on Liam. But Liam hasn’t talked to me in over two weeks. But I feel guilty and numb. And I can’t sleep; I haven’t slept more than two hours sleep a night in over three weeks. And I just want it to stop doc. Make it stop.” I finished in a rush.

“Okay, here is what I think you should do. You should call Liam and tell him what’s been going on with Harry. That way he will know, and you won’t have to feel guilty anymore over not telling me. Tell him how you’re feeling and make sure he listens. That’s your assignment for the day. And I’m going to prescribe you some sleeping pills. Now it’s important you only take one each night before you go to bed, on the nights you can’t sleep. No more than one, these are strong pills, so remember that, okay?” he wrote something down and handed me the prescription. “You can get this filled at any pharmacy. Now I have another patient waiting, but I would like to see in you two days’ time, alright? How does 4:50pm on Friday sound?” he asked.

“That will be fine, thanks doc. See you then,” I said, getting up.

“Remember your assignment, go call Liam when you get home, alright?” he said, sternly.

“Yeah, doc. I’ll try,” I replied.

“Okay then, Niall. See you Friday,” he said, as I walked out the door.
~~.~~
“So, how did it go?” Harry jumped up and asked me, before I even had a chance to close the hotel door.

“Ah, it was okay. We just talked about stuff I guess,” I replied.

“Well that’s good; he’s helping you work though stuff. Does he want to see you again?” He asked.

“Ah yeah, I have another appointment on Friday. But in the meantime he gave me an assignment. I have to call Liam. Oh and he also gave me some sleeping pills,” I said, as an afterthought.

“That’s good then, you’ll finally get a good night sleep,” he responded. I looked at him blankly. “Niall we share the same bed, I’ve noticed you haven’t been sleeping. You think so loud that you wake me up.”

“Oh, well I’m sorry. Hopefully these pills will help then,” I said.

“Yeah, hopefully. Hey I’m going to go down to the shops and get some stuff, do you want anything?” he asked.

“Can you grab some smokes?” he looked at me harshly. “Please, Harry. I promise I’ll quit after this packet,” I said, not meaning it at all.

“Fine, well I’ll be back soon then. You’ll be okay for a while?” he asked.

“Of course, Harry. I’m not a child,” I said, angrily.

“I know, I know. I was just asking. I’ll see you soon,” he said, walking out the door.

And just like that I was left sitting on the side of the bed, staring at the phone in my hands, wondering if I should call Liam.

Liam P.O.V

I feel absolutely terrible. How could I leave him like that? Have I become some horrible person that leaves the people that I love the most? I flew half way around the world to get away from him, but now I know that was the biggest mistake of my life. Every day I see new pictures, new articles that are showing Niall in a very bad light. I don’t care that Simon is fuming; I just want to know if Niall is okay. But I left him, and I can’t go crawling back now.

I stood up and paced the length of my living room, muttering under my breath.

“Liam, what are you doing?” Zayn asked from the couch he had been sitting since this morning, watching me get angrier and angrier over the magazines Niall is featured in.

“I need to call him,” I answered, walking towards the table and picking my phone up. I swiped my finger along the bottom of the screen and scroll through my contacts until I come to Niall’s name. And I just stare at it.

“If you’re going to call him, then just call him, mate. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you,” Zayn said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“He won’t want to hear from me, I destroyed him. I’m the reason he’s like this,” I replied.

“You can’t beat yourself up over this. Sure you may have lit the match,” I shot him a hard glare, “hey, I’m just saying. But Niall is the one who lit the fuse, and let it burn. You can’t think it’s entirely your fault,” he finished, putting his hands up.

“You know that’s a lie Zayn. You know what happened, I told you everything. So don’t sit there and tell me everything will be fine, because it won’t. I have to let him know that I love him,” I said, looking back at my phone, fighting the urge to call and fighting the urge to do nothing. As if the decision had been made for me, Niall’s name flashed across the screen; along with a photo I took of him as we lay in bed together. A time that feels like an eternity ago. I wonder if we will ever have that again.

“Hello. Niall?” I said cautiously, not sure as to why he was calling.

“Liam. I’m surprised you picked up, you’ve been dodging my calls for over two weeks,” he said, I could tell he was not the guy I knew from three weeks ago.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that man. I just, I guess I just needed some space,” I replied, hoping he believed me.

“Well I won’t keep you long, I just wanted to tell you that I have started seeing a therapist, our first session was today in fact,” I could tell that this was hard for him, and I knew there was something else he needed to say, so I let him continue. “I told him bits about what happened, and he gave me an assignment. I told him that I felt guilty. And I don’t even know why I feel guilty but I do.” He was speaking so fast it was hard to keep up.

“Niall, just slow down mate. Take a breath,” I heard him draw a deep breath in and let it out shakily.

“I know you’ve seen the photos Liam, it’s pretty hard not to these days. Now, I’m not asking for forgiveness or your blessing, because I know I don’t mean anything to you, you made that clear. But I need to tell you, because it’s eating away at me. And my therapist told me to do it before our next session so here goes.” He took another breath in. “I slept with Harry. Or I should say I’ve been sleeping with Harry.”

My heart stopped. Did I just hear that correctly? Niall, the guy that I love has been fucking one of my best mates. In that moment all the loved up feelings I’d been having for Niall disappeared and I was left with hatred. Or maybe I was just scared; scared that I had screwed things up and now I’ll never get a chance to fix them because Niall’s with someone else. Whatever it was, I just lost it.

“So you were waiting until I got out of the way, so you could fuck him, huh? Well I’m glad I was able to do that for you,” I said, my voice like ice.

“What? What the fuck do you care? You left me Liam, you don’t get a say in what I do anymore,” he yelled back at me, just as angry.

“I left you because you’re pathetic, why did you even feel the need to tell me? Are you that insecure? Or do you just love fucking guys and leaving them?” I yelled back at him.

“I loved you Liam, but you threw it away because you were so scared. You don’t care about anything but yourself. The only reason I told you is because my therapist thinks I needed to in order to move forward. I’m really trying to get better,” he said. His voice lowered, but still menacing.

“You know what, Niall. Just do whatever the fuck you want. Go fuck Harry. Or some other random guy, and keep it to yourself next time. Whatever we had, it’s done. You really outdid yourself this time, I mean getting drunk at our concert and falling off the stage was good, but this just really takes the cake. Give yourself a fucking pat on the back. And when you and your boyfriend of the minute return to England, don’t even bother to come see me, I don’t want to see your pathetic face again,” I yelled into the phone, wanting to hurt him as much as he just hurt me. I heard him saying something but I had already pulled the phone away from my ear and ended the call.

I turned to see Zayn staring at me, the disappointment on his face was hard not to notice. But I gave him a hard stare and walked to my bedroom, slamming the door and laying on my bed, to wallow in self-pity.

Niall P.O.V

What had just happened? I knew he would be mad, but I didn’t think he would be that mad. He doesn’t love me; he has no right to be that mad. But what he said struck a nerve, and I just thought, I can’t do it. I can’t do this anymore. This isn’t me. I need relief. I walked into the kitchen, knowing what I was doing, but not, as I pulled the knife out of its holster. Everything was like I dream, like an out of body experience, I can see myself sliding the blade across my wrist, and seeing the blood run down my arm, but somehow I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t want to.

The blood ran faster as I made faster, deeper cuts. Horizontal, vertical, I didn’t care. The pain was almost unbearable but I kept going. I would welcome any pain that eased the breaking in my heart.

This wasn’t happening fast enough. I wanted to die; I couldn’t stand to live knowing that he hates me. Knowing that the guy I love never wants to see me again.

How did it come to this?

A few weeks ago we were happy, stealing kisses behind closed doors.

NO!

I wouldn’t think of the past. I would think of the now, the here. I walked slowly over to the cupboard tripping over my own feet and reached into the back behind the jars. I grabbed the small bottle of pills I had stashed there earlier.

How many do I take?

I started to feel dizzy so I downed them all, thinking that would do the trick. My legs gave way and I fell in slow motion, I didn’t even feel myself hit the floor. As my eyes drifted shut and my mind went black I heard the heart breaking cry of someone shouting my name.

“NIALL!”

Notes

okay long chapter.

more drama, yay!

as always, just tell me what you think (: xx