A/N: I tend to keep forgetting to say this, but here it is. Depression, anorexia, self-harm are not things to be taken lightly. These are not things to be taken as a joke, and I hope mention of that stuff does not offend anybody, if it did I am very sorry.

And for the record, Harry is not self-harming due to Alexis, she may be a part of it, but he is mainly doing it because he is disappointed in himself, as I mentioned in an earlier chapter. That's it. Happy reading (actually sad, but you get what I mean).

(Oh, and the song below describes Harry's emotions perfectly throughout the chapter. Might wanna give it a try, while reading?)

You know where to cut me
With your eyes closed
Bleed out
It won't be long
til my heart stops beating
So don't let me
Don't leave me
bleeding alone
~Bleed Out, Blue October

Alexis

“Hey,” Ashton whispers after a good hour and a half. Lexi smooths her hair, she pulls the sleeves of her sweater down to her fingertips and wipes her mascara-ringed eyes with it. She rubs her nose before turning to face the lad, she tries to give him a small smile, but tears fill her eyes yet again. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asks quietly, he wraps an arm around her shoulder.

She takes a deep breath, and sits up straight. “Do I have a choice?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. A slight attempt at humor which fails horribly when a sob racks her body.

“No, but there is no harm in trying to be a gentleman right?” Ashton reprociates. Lexi shakes her head, a small smile gracing her lips as she smacks Ashton’s chest. “So?” He speaks solemnly, all traces of humour away from his somber expression.

“Ash, do I have to do this right now?” she asks rubbing her temple. Ashton’s expression does not waver. Alexis drops her head in her open palms, she rubs her tired eyes.

“For fuck’s sake, Lexi. That guy just called you a whore, and that clearly means something huge, because he is obviously still smitten with you.”

“You don’t say,” Lexi mumbles against her palms.

“Alright Lex. I don’t talk gibberish and I don’t want to listen to you talking shit either, so tell me what happened because this is majorly fucked up.” Ashton takes a deep breath before speaking again, “is it his? The baby.” Lexi shakes her head sadly.

“I wish.”

“Did you cheat on him then?” Lexi chokes on her own spit. Ashton caresses her back quietly, until the coughing fit passes.

“Of course not.” Lexi glares at the lad, eyes filling with tears.

“I may not have had a full ride to the best colleges all over the country,” Ashton speaks, pointedly glaring at Lexi, “but I do know that one does not have a fetus without any...sexual intercourse whatsoever. So, Alexis either you cheated on him or that baby is his.”

Warm tears slip through her pale gray eyes, gruesome images flash through her mind, like flipping through pages of a book. “I didn’t,” she whimpers quietly, “cheat on him.” She hadn’t slept well in months, whenever she closed her eyes vivid memories blanketed her. Suffocating her, to the point where she thought she preferred death. His hands throttling her, his foot jammed in her stomach as she lay helplessly on the cold floor with a pool of blood surrounding her.

“Lexi,” Ashton sighs, “there has to be something. Someone. C’mon I’m not that dumb. You have to have had sex with somebody to have a baby in your stomach, unless you have some magical powers.” Ashton looks deep in thought for a moment, before understanding crosses his features, “...or if. Fuck. Shit. Lexi?” he
whispers softly.

The tears pouring out of the beautiful girl’s eyes confirm his suspicions. “Fuck. I’m so sorry Lex. I didn’t know. Who was it? I swear he won’t be able to see the light of the day. Does the dickhead know?” He says vaguely pointing at the direction of the door, presumably referring to Harry. Lexi softly shakes her head. “Shit. Fuck. He thinks…”

“Yeah,” Ashton stands up, Lexi wipes her tears hurriedly following pursuit. “No, no Ash. It’s better of this way.”

“Bullshit.” Ashton deadpans, trying to gently pull his arm away from Lexi’s grasp. “He is killing himself over this mess. And look at you, you look half dead, Lexi.”

“Literally,” Lexi mumbles. “Listen Ashton, this isn’t about the baby, okay?” It would be so much easier if it was.

“Really Lex? Care to enlighten me what it is about then?” Ashton asks, his eyes carefully trained on Lexi with a blank stare. “Because that lad is one of my best mates, and he is mentally depressed. And I can’t help but blame it on you.” Lexi winces, she was to be blamed for everything. For once, just for once she wants to scream and tell the truth, without having to think of the consequences.

For once she wants to be truly and truthfully selfish. She clenches her fists, and takes a deep breath trying to regain control over her emotions, “Ashton, do you want out?” Her expression is blank. “I’m not going to force you into doing anything you don’t want.”

“What I want Lexi, is to know what the hell is going on!” Ashton exclaims, he rubs his temple and runs his fingers through his ruffled hair, before repeating his words calmly, “what is going on Lexi?”

She opens her mouth, and closes her eyes for a moment. Would telling the truth be that bad? Fuck everyone, and their happiness. Couldn’t she be happy for a moment. She turns to gaze at Ashton for a moment, her face goes pale, and she collects her thoughts before speaking again.

“I don’t love him.” Lexi states blankly, “not more than a friend. I never have.” Her eyes are fixed on the blank screen of the TV. “He...Harry’s addicted to me. It’s unhealthy, Ashton. I don’t love him.” She states louder this time.

She keeps still, until she is sure that the footsteps have faded away, she glances back for a second with eyes full of pain, hurt, anger, misery and a broken heart.

“He’s gone.”

Her knees give away under her, and she falls to the tiled floor. A heart-wrenching sob escapes her parted lips, her body shakes violently. A tremendous pain spreads across her chest, she clutches her stomach, and presses her forehead to the cool marble of the table top.

Ashton sits beside her, rubbing her back. “He’s gone,” she hiccups, repeating Ashton’s words with a sob.

Ashton’s heart breaks completely for the girl who was dying in front of him. He crumples the paper in his hands, with the words scribbled in Lexi’s plain cursive barely a few minutes ago. Tears gather in his own eyes, as he whispers soothing words into her ear. “It’s gonna be alright.” He speaks quietly, gathering the broken girl in his arms and carrying her to the couch.

She remains trembling under his touch, “hold on Lex,” Ashton speaks desperation crawling into his voice, as he makes a dash towards Lexi’s bedroom. “Are there medicines Lex, are they here. Fuck.”

He comes back carrying a box full of pills and powder. With trembling fingers and blurry eyes he tries to read the labels on the pills. “Alexis, I swear to god. Don’t you dare die on me, you stubborn brat.” He chokes, rubbing her arm, as Lexi’s breathing turns ragged with every passing second. Her face twisting into a painful grimace.

A crash near the door grabs his attention for a moment. In less than a minute Eleanor is beside Lexi, rubbing her arms, and brushing strands of hair from her best friend’s face. “What happened?” Eleanor asks, trying to keep desperation at bay.

“I don’t know. It’s some fucking seizure, which comes with the tumor.”

Eleanor hand falls limp by Lesi’s shoulder, her heart convincing her that she heard wrong. But her head knowing what’s right. She had seen it coming though, hadn’t she? “What tumor?” Eleanor asks her voice barely above a whisper, the answer is at the tip of her tongue, but she refuses to believe it.

“Head.” Ashton runs a frustrated hand through his hair, “Brain. I meant. Fuck,” he rummages through the box, “Brain tumor.” Eleanor takes a deep breath, forcing herself to take a deep breath, before she gently pulls the box towards her, out of Ashton’s reach.

Her eyes scan the box, before she finds the bottle, using a dropper she forces the syrup in Lexi’s mouth. She’d done this before, but never had she imagined she would have to do this again. She had gone through chemo, the doctors had said Lexi was fine.

Lexi’s breathing slows down, she keeps her eyes closed for the next few minutes. Ashton and Eleanor remain in silence as well. “Sorry,” Lexi whispers hoarsely, she opens her eyes to meet two pairs of tear-filled ones.

“Shut up.” Eleanor orders, and carefully wraps her arms around Lexi. Her tears soak Lexi’s peach-colored sweater.

“I’m dying, not the other way around.” Lexi murmurs, holding back her tears.

“Shut up. Just shut up.” Eleanor pulls away, her mascara runs down her cheeks, her nose bright red. “Oh Lexi. How long?” Eleanor asks pinching her brows together. Lexi shook her head, reading the underlying questions that Eleanor’s glassy stare held.

How long had Eleanor given Lexi the cold shoulder when she needed her most? How long had she been fighting this one-sided battle with death? How long until Lexi forgave her best-friend?

“In the winter. After I went to Paris. I said that Harry had been cheating on me with Taylor.” Eleanor nods, and wraps an arm around her friend’s shoulder. Alexis rests her frail body against Eleanor’s chest. Ashton sits on the floor. “I knew he hadn’t.” A sob leaves her lips. “But I had been having seizures throughout the month. Isabelle took me to the doctor the night before. The doctor, he said that,” Lexi takes a deep breath quietly forcing herself to stay strong. “he said that the chemo didn’t completely clear the tumor and it had been spreading throughout my body. He said that I needed to start the therapy again but at the rate my health was deteriorating, I knew it wasn’t going to do much. So, I broke it off with Harry.

“But when I saw him later, I couldn’t do it El. God, I’m so selfish. I should have left it at that. Now he’s in too deep.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“No,” Lexi speaks again, she holds a hand up before rubbing her eyes with the back of her hands, “I was doing the chemo. I knew if I tried to fight it I could let it behind me. I’ve done it before haven’t I? But that night, when Harry and I went to collect the blue napkins.” Lexi chuckles quietly, “Scott found us, and he had a knife with him, and he tried stabbing me, but Harry took the blow,” Lexi swallows hard, “h-he came in front of me.”

Eleanor squeezes her best friend’s arm, “Scott said that Harry would suffer more, if I stayed with him. He would, he can kill Harry, El. He’s a monster.”

“And that’s why you left him, Alexis?” Eleanor asks her eyes are calm, yet her eyes blaze with anger. “You were scared of that mother-fucker son-of-a-bloody-bitch, Alexis?”

Alexis’s eyes drop to the ground, “no. Not because of that.” She pulls away from Eleanor, and wraps her arms around her knees. She closes her eyes, and swallows hard, the memories of the night clearly dancing in her vision. The white walls, the bloodied clothes, Harry’s pale face and his heart.

His failing heart.

I got up from my spot against the white wall of the hospital. I motioned with my hand towards the bathroom, and Louis nodded. His eyes dancing wildly along the long long white corridors.

Gently shutting the bathroom door behind me, I pressed my cold palms to my moist eyes.

Harry was going to be fine. He had to be fine. He had promised my forever, and Harry never broke his promise. He would be fine.

I chanted the same words over and over again in my head, as if some life-saving mantra. The door to the loo opened again, with a final glance at my disheveled reflection in the mirror, I moved away. My breath caught in my throat, when a familiar face stared back at me.

“Alexis?” Harry’s doctor asked. I had missed it earlier; in my panicked mode and hazy vision, but standing before me was Jackson Collins, one of my friends from Doncaster.

“Jake?” I whispered. He opened his mouth to say something but I uttered my words quick and fast, and desperate, “is he okay? Is Harry okay? He’s fine right?” I kept rambling on, tears freely rolling down my cheeks at this point.

“Lexi,” his quiet voice cut me off. He took a deep breath and clenched his fists. Then he placed his hands flat against the marble counter-top, he sighed before his blue eyes fixed upon me, “the. Fuck. The accident. Shit Lex, I don’t know what to say. Okay,” he took a deep breath and started again, “the knife-that stabbed him-it. God! It chipped his heart.”

My world stopped for a second before the reality of the situation came crashing down. “But it’s just a chip right, just a tiny nick. It can be fixed, right? Harry’s strong, what do you have to do?”

“Lexi the knife went through his heart, maybe just a part of it, but it passed through his heart. We will need a heart transplant as soon as possible, but the waiting list is long. Really long, and his situation is only deteriorating, he won’t be able to hold up long enough,” Jake dug his hand in his hair, his expression somber and dejected, “I’m sorry, Alexis.”

“No. No!” I tugged on Jake’s white coat. “He has to be fine. He needs to be fine. He promised. Do something, you can’t just leave him like that.” A thought occurred to me and I stared at the man in front of me, “you didn’t tell them, right? The lads?”

Jackson gently shook his head, “but we are abou-”

“No, no. Harry’s going to be fine. He has to. Don’t the heart transplantations come on the basis of priority, Harry’s situation is critical, right?”

“And there are 7.2 billion people in this world. And millions of them are in critical conditions.”

My heart painfully clenched in my chest, “you’re saying, that-”

“There’s no hope,” Jake concluded.

Lexi squeezed her eyes shut. Every beautiful, angry, wonderful moment I had spent with Harry passed through my head. His laugh, deep and rich, that never failed to brighten up my shittiest of days. His smile, the way the left side of his lips lifted a little higher than the right. His his eyes,beautiful pools of green that had mesmerized me the first time itself. His hair, soft and velvety under my fingers. His hands, that held me like no one had before. His lips, soft and pink pressing chaste kisses, hot kisses, passionate kisses, gentle kisses on me. The spray of freckles over his long nose that no one-but I knew existed. His arms, holding me on cold nights, warm and comforting, and home.

“Okay.” I raised my head up to meet Jake’s eyes. “But if someone’s donates his or heart, specifically for Harry. He will be okay right?”
“We don’t have a lot of time, Lexi.” Jake sighed, “what are you going to do? How are you going to find a donor so soon?”

“I don’t have to find anyone,” I muttered. “Can I see Harry?”

“That’s unauthorized until I declare that we are either giving him whatever time he has left or if he is okay.”

“Please,”he must have caught something in my tone because he nodded, and held the door of the bathroom open for me. As I realized that we were walking towards the waiting area, I halted in my tracks. “I can’t go through here,” I murmured, “is there any other entrance. I don’t want my friends to know.”

Jake’s face scanned every inch of my face, before nodding leading me towards a small office with his name lamented on the right of the door.”In here,” he pushed me into the room and pointed to another door, through the glass I could see Harry’s pale face.

“Give me three minutes, Drag me out after that. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Hey baby.” I whispered. I dragged a chair to the end of the bed, before taking his hands in mine, “I have a lot of things to say.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, before speaking again.

“I’m sorry, I’ve hurt you in countless ways Harry, and I have no pathetic excuse proving otherwise. I have lied to you, more than once. But I swear. I swear I have love you with my heart, my soul. Every cell and tissue that came together to make me. And I love you so much that it hurts.

“But Harry the thing is I’m going to die. Maybe not tomorrow, or the next month. But I am going to die in a few years, I’ve not heard of one case where a person with recurring cancer survived. So, I have decided that in turn of my life I can save someone else’s. and there are so many people in this world who need you. At least more than those who need me.

“And I can’t imagine my world without you, baby. It’ll be shades of black and grey, and it would be horrible and miserable. I am selfish Haz, I’m sorry, I won’t let you die. I don’t want to live in a world without you.”

I swiped my hand over my eyes, “Haz, you know you stole my heart the day we met for the first time. When I called you Henry. I didn’t realize it until a lot later, but I fell in love that day itself. I fell in love with your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your hair. Baby we haven’t even dated for a full year, but the first time you told me you loved me, I knew that we were going to be forever. Everyone was against it, remember? No one wanted us to be together, but baby they didn’t know about us.

“I’m sorry Harold, for all I’ve put you through, but I swear the time I spent with you was the best time of my life. You’re here because of me, Harry. I am so sorry, I’ve always been a shitty girlfriend haven’t I?” I brushed tears from my eyes, “so I am going to repay you tonight Haz.”

I stood up from the seat, placing his hand back on his stomach. “You’ll always have my heart Haz. Always.” I leaned over to press my lips against his. Tears from my eyes rolled down his cheeks. I closed my eyes, letting the feel of his lips linger, until I could.

“Time’s up, Lexi” A ragged sob left my lips, as I pulled away.

“I love you baby,” with that I turned away, Jake followed. When almost at the door, I turned around casting a last look in Harry’s direction, and I felt my heart shatter, for the first, and the last time.

Jake had probably known what I was going to do because the papers were sitting at his table when I entered the office again. As I filled in the paperwork. I glanced at him, he was already staring at me his eyes were glassed, his lips etched in a frown. “Don’t tell anyone about this Jake, please? Not yet, not until I…” I rolled my lips, “I’m gone. And don’t tell Harry what I did, ever. He’ll never forgive himself. God he’ll kill himself over it. Don’t tell anyone. Make an excuse, anything.”

I signed the final document, my tears stained it. Jake didn’t seem to care though, he stood by the door stiffly. “I’m an adult,” I spoke before he could say something. He pressed his lips together.

“There’s this thing. I’m not sure it will work, we are still experimenting. You know scientists and doctors have been working on making artificial body parts right.”

I nodded I had learned about that back in standard 9.

“Well we might have, we have been wanting to test it on somebody. I don’t want to give you a false sense of hope Lexi, but, I can’t let you dies like this. Do you want to? We honestly don’t know how long it is going to work for, or is it is going to work.”

“Don’t you have millions of patients on the heart transplant waiting list. Why don’t you try one of them.” Jake cringed.

“We don’t even know if it’s going to work, Alexis.”

“Why me?” I asked quietly fiddling with the pen in my hands.

“Because no one has ever willingly sacrificed his or heart when they are fully capable of living with a heart.”

“Okay. Okay. But you still won’t tell anyone. No one.”

Eleanor was sobbing by now, her face buried in her palms. Ashton had silent tears streaming down his cheeks. Lexi shrugs huddling to the corner of the couch, and wraps her arms around myself.

“Shit.” Ashton whispers quietly.

“Please don’t tell Harry. I’ve hurt him enough.” Lexi’s voice is small, lost. It makes Eleanor’s heart twist in pain.

“Oh baby girl.” Lexi gives her friends a small smile.

“Life sucks.” She grins, the smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “It happens. I’m gonna be fine. Actually I am going to die, but there’s not much difference.

“I just need to see everyone move on without me, I am giving up on the meds after that. Harry was pissed when he saw me with ecstasy, if he saw the others he would flip. He’ll hate me. I don’t want him to hate me.”

Eleanor brings Lexi’s head to her lap, and plays with her hair, until Lexi’s breathing turns soft and she falls asleep.

Harry

Harry found himself in the bathroom once again, his wrists covered in crimson. He was pathetic. He was a disappointment. He didn’t deserve to live. He curled his palms into fists. She hadn’t loved him more than a friend. Had anyone ever? His father had walked out on his mum when he was barely seven. He never called after that until the boys’ first album hit the Billboards. Fucking gold-digger.

His mother and sister had to love him, they had no choice. But no one else had, no-fucking-one. Even the one he loved more than his own life. Harry let out an agonizing, piercing scream. He drags his hand through his unusually long hair, leaving trails of scarlet everywhere.

He wanted to hate her. God he wanted it so bad, more than anything else. But he couldn’t. He closes his eyes and lets the sobs take over him. God, why?

Notes

So, that was a emotional roller-coaster. I don't even know what to say after that. I hope you all leave your comments and thoughts, maybe a few votes and subscriptions; and let me know what the hell you thought about that, because man that was a lot of shit to deal with.

Check this out, maybe nominate me? Summer '14 Fan Fiction Awards, I would be forever grateful.

Oh man I am such a terrible person, a wonderful procrastinator and a shitty updater. But hey if you like the story maybe? Yeah? :p

Uhmm, yeah your thoughts make me happy, so comment please. That' it for today, and finally thank you for bearing with me, I know I am horrible. Ask me question here if you'd like; ask.fm.