Sad, Beautiful, Tragic |h.s|
Chapter 11
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
~Demi Lovato, Frozen
Alessia
Alessia’s back is against the door, when her legs give in and she falls to the floor, dragging her back against the door. Ugly sobs leave her parted lips and she slaps a hand over her mouth, muffling them. Hot tears stream down her cheeks and she chokes and sputters as the scene replays in her head. She brings her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them, soft whimpers escape her lips as a swirling storm of emotions builds inside her.
Harry stands behind the door, frozen, stunned and angry, irritated and annoyed but most of all scared. Frightened out of his mind. The way he had been when he had seen Lexi in the bathroom in Barbados, the day of her birthday. His fingers tremble visibly when he places his hand on the door. He sighs in relief when the door pushes open. He is about to switch on the lights when he hears her voice.
“A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside,” he can barely make out her figure in the dark, hunched over Felicity’s cot. Her voice is sweet as syrup, and broken when she speaks again, “couldn't keep it in. Heaven knows I tried.”
Harry stands there silently, for the first time after she came back, he hears her break in front of him, and this time, he has a gut-wrenching feeling that he can’t do anything, “standing - frozen in the life I've chosen, you won't find me, the past is so behind me. Buried in the snow.” Harry swallows harshly, feeling utterly useless standing there, watching his life disappearing in front of him, as Alessia whispers softly, subsiding Felix’s cries, “let it go, let it go. Can't hold it back anymore.”
Harry’s fingers fumble for the switch on his left, he flips it on, and shuts the door behind him, before walking towards the beautiful yet broken girl sitting beside Felicity’s crib and looking up at Harry with a shattered expression. She looks at Harry trying and failing to put a strong expression, her jaw clenches and she blinks quickly trying to hide her tear-pooled eyes. “What are you doing here?” she manages to hiss weakly, and swipes a quick finger under her eye.
Harry sighs and sits beside her, cross legged. He takes Lexi’s small hands in his, and brings them to his lap. Alexis winces and tries to pull them from his grasp, only to feel his fingers tighten around her wrist. “Why? Why are you doing this, Lexi? You’re throwing your life away, you aren’t letting anyone in. Angel, there are people in this world who love you, just let them in for once...I love you, okay? I sound pathetic it’s been ten months and I still can’t let you go, and I don’t want to, remember what you wrote in that letter?” he asks pushing Lexi’s hair out of her face, and wincing as the fading bruise came into view, “you said no other girl could love me like you do,” he continues, not waiting for a response, with gentle fingers he caresses the mark, “you were right no one can, and even if someone could I only want you.”
He slips his fingers between Alessia’s and looks into her gray eyes glistening with tears, “baby it’s okay, to let people in. It’s okay to not be fine, sometimes, it’s okay to be weak every once in a while. It’s okay to let it go.”
“Thanks for giving me your advice, now would you kindly leave.” She says in a controlled tone, and steely eyes.
“Angel…”
“I’m no angel, Harry.” this time her voice is thin, and on the edge as if one more push and she would break down. “Go,” she urges softly, begging him to leave before she throws herself into his arms and truly lets go.
It was true, she had left her past behind her, she wasn’t the Lexi Harry had loved, the girl who couldn’t say a bad word about the worst person on Earth, she wasn’t the kind soft-spoken girl with sparkling eyes that could light up anyone’s day, “you’re not the Lexi I knew or loved,” the words are out before he can stop them, he feels a rush of satisfaction when he sees hurt flash in her eyes, which is instantly replaced my guilt, he always had hated her seeing her hurt, leave alone being the reason for tears in her eyes. His lips part to apologize, but the next words pronounced by her cut deep, taking back any thoughts about apologizing that had come to him before.
“People change Harry, I did. Louis was right, move on. I already did.”
Harry swallows hard and gives her a curt nod. He stares at the silhouette of the fragile-looking girl still looking for any signs of the one he had loved. A tear rolls down his cheek, he gives her a last longing look before his feet start taking small steps backwards. Alessia stares at her fingers in her lap, not daring to look at his torn expression.
Harry closes the door softly behind him, and angrily wipes the unwanted tears. The worst part of letting go is realizing that the other person already did. Alessia closes her eyes and rests her head on the side of the bed, gruesome images build up in her mind and she forces her eyes open. Her fists clench as anger for the devil build inside her, but she knows she has herself to blame, more than anyone else.
She slowly stands up and pulls out the leather-bound journal from her duffel bag. She uncaps the pen and settles on the floor again.
Dear diary,
I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am tired of pretending, not caring, I’m tired of...breathing. I just want to stop, I just want to let go. But that isn’t fair to them, is it? They may not be living the happiest life for young-adults but they’re fine. They’re surviving, and people move on right? They eventually will. I think they kind of already have. I find that strangely comforting. He isn’t fine, though. I thought leaving him would have stopped it but it hasn’t happened yet, and the cold treatment and harsh words I spit at him every moment don’t change his mind, and every cold glance I have to give him kills me more, than all the other things that are happening in life. I was at the verge of giving in today, just one more push and the words would have come spilling out. How long do you think I have? I know everybody else will be fine, but him? He doesn’t have to know, it’ll be okay life goes on. Eventually he’ll find someone, he already did, I think...Cara is a wonderful person she’ll love him a lot, not as much as I do, maybe, but that’s fine. Everything will be okay. It’ll be fine.
Love,
Lexi.
Harry/Louis/Alessia
Harry sits in his own room, looking out at the city, tear stains are still visible on his cheeks. A thought of hurting her as much as she had hurt him crossed his mind. He knew it would be selfish, but he could bring anyone home, the thought passed just as quickly, you can’t hurt a person by making them jealous, if they don’t love you at all. Lexi had let him go, then why was it so hard for him? Why did guilt eat him alive when he spoke sharply to her? He hated loving her when she clearly didn’t. He hated the fact that even now he would embrace her right away if she wanted him to. He hated that he couldn’t go to sleep because he could only sleep when his arm were perfectly shaped around her.
He stands up and walks towards Louis’s room, after impatiently knocking on it for a few times, he pushes the door open to find an annoyed Louis looking at him. “I want to talk.” He says sitting on the chair by the dresser.
Louis huffs in response but looking at Harry’s expression he nods and sits up on the bed.
“I--” Harry fumbles for words, his fingers twitching in nervousness he carefully pronounces the words, “I found ecstasy in Alexis’s room,” he says finally, scared to look at his blue eyes, that had lost their usual cheerfulness in the past few months.
Nine months ago, Louis would have laughed and kicked Harry out of the room after hearing him say the words, but this time he doesn’t have to think twice before walking out of the room and pushing Lexi’s bedroom door open. She hastily slams her journal shut and shoves it under the bed before looking at Louis, standing in the doorway with a stormy expression.
“Are you out of your fucking mind? What the hell were you fuck--”
“There are babies in this room, would you please mind your tongue,” Alessia says calmly.
“Me? That’s rich Alexis, because last I checked I wasn’t the one with drugs in my room.” He replies sneering. Alessia swallows hard before seeing Harry appear behind Louis. She shakes her head slightly at him, hurt flashing through her features, which she tries to hide.
“I--”
“Don’t bother explaining. Go back to wherever the fuck you came from, nobody needs a drug addict here. Nobody needs you here.”
As much as she tries to keep her expression blank, the tear rolls down her cheek. She turns away and closes her eyes, holding the tears back. She slowly walks to pick up the clothes scattered on the bed, and throw them in the bag. “You’re right,” she whispers wiping the tear away, and giving a small smile to Louis.
“Can I have a moment?” she asks pointing to the twins in their cribs.
“N--”
“Louis,” Harry’s voice finally sounds from behind, desperate, he pulls Louis out of the room, leaving Lexi with them. She picks both of them from their cribs, letting the tears flow freely, she looks down at them in wonder.
“I love you both, okay?” she whispers, “more than anything. Whenever you grow up, just remember I wanted to be there, I just couldn’t, perhaps it’s for the best. But you two are my angels.” she kisses the top of their heads and lays them gently in the cot.
Felix looks up at her sister with wide gray eyes, tears sparkling. As if sensing something amiss already. Her small hand reaches out to grab Lexi’s face. Jason swipes a hand across her face too, wiping the tear rolling down her cheek. She laughs through the tears, placing Jason back in the cot, she grabs her bag from the couch. With hot tears streaming down her face she walks out of the room, without looking back, ignoring the wild cries rom Jace and Felix. This is what she had wanted, this was right, but it felt like whatever life was left inside her had vanished too.
The boys were here by now, calling out her name, but she wouldn’t turn back now. She couldn’t afford to.
Alessia/Marilyn
Alessia fumbles with the door keys, after finally opening the door she drops the bag on the ground and falls to her knees, breaking down into hysterical sobs. “Less?” Marilyn’s voice is soft as she takes in her friend’s appearance. “Less?!” she cries pulling Alessia into her arms. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
“Everything,” she replies between sobs, “I messed up, Mary. I hurt everybody, I hurt him. He hates me Mary! He fucking hates me. Jace and Felix will never even know I existed. I fucked up, I always do.” Marilyn listens quietly rubbing circles on her back as Alessia cries into her chest.
“Sweetie, shh…” she whispers, helping her stand up, and carefully placing her on the bed, “do you want to talk?” she asks soothingly pulling the sheets over Alessia’s frail frame. Her sobs continue, so she gently lays a hand on Alessia’s forehead, whispering soothing things to make her fall asleep.
Sometimes the strongest girls are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles nobody knows about.
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
~Demi Lovato, Frozen
Alessia
Alessia’s back is against the door, when her legs give in and she falls to the floor, dragging her back against the door. Ugly sobs leave her parted lips and she slaps a hand over her mouth, muffling them. Hot tears stream down her cheeks and she chokes and sputters as the scene replays in her head. She brings her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them, soft whimpers escape her lips as a swirling storm of emotions builds inside her.
Harry stands behind the door, frozen, stunned and angry, irritated and annoyed but most of all scared. Frightened out of his mind. The way he had been when he had seen Lexi in the bathroom in Barbados, the day of her birthday. His fingers tremble visibly when he places his hand on the door. He sighs in relief when the door pushes open. He is about to switch on the lights when he hears her voice.
“A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside,” he can barely make out her figure in the dark, hunched over Felicity’s cot. Her voice is sweet as syrup, and broken when she speaks again, “couldn't keep it in. Heaven knows I tried.”
Harry stands there silently, for the first time after she came back, he hears her break in front of him, and this time, he has a gut-wrenching feeling that he can’t do anything, “standing - frozen in the life I've chosen, you won't find me, the past is so behind me. Buried in the snow.” Harry swallows harshly, feeling utterly useless standing there, watching his life disappearing in front of him, as Alessia whispers softly, subsiding Felix’s cries, “let it go, let it go. Can't hold it back anymore.”
Harry’s fingers fumble for the switch on his left, he flips it on, and shuts the door behind him, before walking towards the beautiful yet broken girl sitting beside Felicity’s crib and looking up at Harry with a shattered expression. She looks at Harry trying and failing to put a strong expression, her jaw clenches and she blinks quickly trying to hide her tear-pooled eyes. “What are you doing here?” she manages to hiss weakly, and swipes a quick finger under her eye.
Harry sighs and sits beside her, cross legged. He takes Lexi’s small hands in his, and brings them to his lap. Alexis winces and tries to pull them from his grasp, only to feel his fingers tighten around her wrist. “Why? Why are you doing this, Lexi? You’re throwing your life away, you aren’t letting anyone in. Angel, there are people in this world who love you, just let them in for once...I love you, okay? I sound pathetic it’s been ten months and I still can’t let you go, and I don’t want to, remember what you wrote in that letter?” he asks pushing Lexi’s hair out of her face, and wincing as the fading bruise came into view, “you said no other girl could love me like you do,” he continues, not waiting for a response, with gentle fingers he caresses the mark, “you were right no one can, and even if someone could I only want you.”
He slips his fingers between Alessia’s and looks into her gray eyes glistening with tears, “baby it’s okay, to let people in. It’s okay to not be fine, sometimes, it’s okay to be weak every once in a while. It’s okay to let it go.”
“Thanks for giving me your advice, now would you kindly leave.” She says in a controlled tone, and steely eyes.
“Angel…”
“I’m no angel, Harry.” this time her voice is thin, and on the edge as if one more push and she would break down. “Go,” she urges softly, begging him to leave before she throws herself into his arms and truly lets go.
It was true, she had left her past behind her, she wasn’t the Lexi Harry had loved, the girl who couldn’t say a bad word about the worst person on Earth, she wasn’t the kind soft-spoken girl with sparkling eyes that could light up anyone’s day, “you’re not the Lexi I knew or loved,” the words are out before he can stop them, he feels a rush of satisfaction when he sees hurt flash in her eyes, which is instantly replaced my guilt, he always had hated her seeing her hurt, leave alone being the reason for tears in her eyes. His lips part to apologize, but the next words pronounced by her cut deep, taking back any thoughts about apologizing that had come to him before.
“People change Harry, I did. Louis was right, move on. I already did.”
Harry swallows hard and gives her a curt nod. He stares at the silhouette of the fragile-looking girl still looking for any signs of the one he had loved. A tear rolls down his cheek, he gives her a last longing look before his feet start taking small steps backwards. Alessia stares at her fingers in her lap, not daring to look at his torn expression.
Harry closes the door softly behind him, and angrily wipes the unwanted tears. The worst part of letting go is realizing that the other person already did. Alessia closes her eyes and rests her head on the side of the bed, gruesome images build up in her mind and she forces her eyes open. Her fists clench as anger for the devil build inside her, but she knows she has herself to blame, more than anyone else.
She slowly stands up and pulls out the leather-bound journal from her duffel bag. She uncaps the pen and settles on the floor again.
Dear diary,
I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am tired of pretending, not caring, I’m tired of...breathing. I just want to stop, I just want to let go. But that isn’t fair to them, is it? They may not be living the happiest life for young-adults but they’re fine. They’re surviving, and people move on right? They eventually will. I think they kind of already have. I find that strangely comforting. He isn’t fine, though. I thought leaving him would have stopped it but it hasn’t happened yet, and the cold treatment and harsh words I spit at him every moment don’t change his mind, and every cold glance I have to give him kills me more, than all the other things that are happening in life. I was at the verge of giving in today, just one more push and the words would have come spilling out. How long do you think I have? I know everybody else will be fine, but him? He doesn’t have to know, it’ll be okay life goes on. Eventually he’ll find someone, he already did, I think...Cara is a wonderful person she’ll love him a lot, not as much as I do, maybe, but that’s fine. Everything will be okay. It’ll be fine.
Love,
Lexi.
Harry/Louis/Alessia
Harry sits in his own room, looking out at the city, tear stains are still visible on his cheeks. A thought of hurting her as much as she had hurt him crossed his mind. He knew it would be selfish, but he could bring anyone home, the thought passed just as quickly, you can’t hurt a person by making them jealous, if they don’t love you at all. Lexi had let him go, then why was it so hard for him? Why did guilt eat him alive when he spoke sharply to her? He hated loving her when she clearly didn’t. He hated the fact that even now he would embrace her right away if she wanted him to. He hated that he couldn’t go to sleep because he could only sleep when his arm were perfectly shaped around her.
He stands up and walks towards Louis’s room, after impatiently knocking on it for a few times, he pushes the door open to find an annoyed Louis looking at him. “I want to talk.” He says sitting on the chair by the dresser.
Louis huffs in response but looking at Harry’s expression he nods and sits up on the bed.
“I--” Harry fumbles for words, his fingers twitching in nervousness he carefully pronounces the words, “I found ecstasy in Alexis’s room,” he says finally, scared to look at his blue eyes, that had lost their usual cheerfulness in the past few months.
Nine months ago, Louis would have laughed and kicked Harry out of the room after hearing him say the words, but this time he doesn’t have to think twice before walking out of the room and pushing Lexi’s bedroom door open. She hastily slams her journal shut and shoves it under the bed before looking at Louis, standing in the doorway with a stormy expression.
“Are you out of your fucking mind? What the hell were you fuck--”
“There are babies in this room, would you please mind your tongue,” Alessia says calmly.
“Me? That’s rich Alexis, because last I checked I wasn’t the one with drugs in my room.” He replies sneering. Alessia swallows hard before seeing Harry appear behind Louis. She shakes her head slightly at him, hurt flashing through her features, which she tries to hide.
“I--”
“Don’t bother explaining. Go back to wherever the fuck you came from, nobody needs a drug addict here. Nobody needs you here.”
As much as she tries to keep her expression blank, the tear rolls down her cheek. She turns away and closes her eyes, holding the tears back. She slowly walks to pick up the clothes scattered on the bed, and throw them in the bag. “You’re right,” she whispers wiping the tear away, and giving a small smile to Louis.
“Can I have a moment?” she asks pointing to the twins in their cribs.
“N--”
“Louis,” Harry’s voice finally sounds from behind, desperate, he pulls Louis out of the room, leaving Lexi with them. She picks both of them from their cribs, letting the tears flow freely, she looks down at them in wonder.
“I love you both, okay?” she whispers, “more than anything. Whenever you grow up, just remember I wanted to be there, I just couldn’t, perhaps it’s for the best. But you two are my angels.” she kisses the top of their heads and lays them gently in the cot.
Felix looks up at her sister with wide gray eyes, tears sparkling. As if sensing something amiss already. Her small hand reaches out to grab Lexi’s face. Jason swipes a hand across her face too, wiping the tear rolling down her cheek. She laughs through the tears, placing Jason back in the cot, she grabs her bag from the couch. With hot tears streaming down her face she walks out of the room, without looking back, ignoring the wild cries rom Jace and Felix. This is what she had wanted, this was right, but it felt like whatever life was left inside her had vanished too.
The boys were here by now, calling out her name, but she wouldn’t turn back now. She couldn’t afford to.
Alessia/Marilyn
Alessia fumbles with the door keys, after finally opening the door she drops the bag on the ground and falls to her knees, breaking down into hysterical sobs. “Less?” Marilyn’s voice is soft as she takes in her friend’s appearance. “Less?!” she cries pulling Alessia into her arms. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
“Everything,” she replies between sobs, “I messed up, Mary. I hurt everybody, I hurt him. He hates me Mary! He fucking hates me. Jace and Felix will never even know I existed. I fucked up, I always do.” Marilyn listens quietly rubbing circles on her back as Alessia cries into her chest.
“Sweetie, shh…” she whispers, helping her stand up, and carefully placing her on the bed, “do you want to talk?” she asks soothingly pulling the sheets over Alessia’s frail frame. Her sobs continue, so she gently lays a hand on Alessia’s forehead, whispering soothing things to make her fall asleep.
Sometimes the strongest girls are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles nobody knows about.
Notes
I know it's been really long since my last update, I also know this is a short chapter. Like most of the other people on this website I have exams coming up, I won't be putting the story n hold but the chapters are gonna be slower for a while. All your comments were wonderful. Thank you :) I said I would update at 65 votes, but 63 work too, but hopefully y'all will raise my votes to 70 by the next update, try, please? There aren't any questions on this chapter, I cries while writing a few parts. Just comment on whatever you think. Vote and subscribe too!! :) Luv y'all and Stay beautiful xx
Checkout my other story Say Something
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Happy belated birthday to THE wonderful Zayn Malik <3 He's 21 already! :'(
Hey love! I absolutely LOVE this story. First and sequel included! I've read this whole story in one day and now there is no update! I would love if you would add a chapter because this is amazing! Please, please continue! If people are telling you this story sucks, DON'T LISTEN! You have tons of fans who want to know what comes next. I understand if school is also a part of this, I've got school too. I'm willing to wait for this amazing story!!
11/19/20