Hey Jude I & II
*Jude's Private Blog*
Sunday 6.8.14 Bullets
I evaded them. Raising a solid shield, I dodged every bullet, each phone call and text. The further I got the more I longed to return, the more regret sunk in. People stared. Flight attendants asked if I was okay. Apparently seeing a girl with endless streams and blood shot eyes is a rare thing at 1am.
Landing in Phoenix knowing there were no future plans with Harry left me desolate and afloat. Like a tamed bird set free then missing the feeling of belonging to someone. I ran from him. What a gutless thing to do, but with the commotion going on at home, with mom, there’s no time to think about my selfish problems.
Monday 6.9.14 Small Spaces
Harry’s quiet today. Good because I can’t take it. I can’t take all the screaming texts and hurtful words that keep popping on my screen. I’m keeping my phone on silent to not distract mom as she makes the funeral arrangements. Even though Aunt Maggie was older, she was fun and youthful in her own way. She refused to let the cancer dim her spirits, she refused so much she didn’t tell us it had worsened. And now we know.
Looking at a casket is the most bizarre feeling in the world. There’s nothing pretty about it. The colors are morbid and the space, the small space, gives me shivers. I don’t have the heart to look at Aunt Maggie once she’s lying there with all her makeup and hair in place. Such a stage for the wrong audience. An eternal date with death.
To make matters worse, mom won’t get off my back about further appointments with other gynecologists. After triple checking that she was in the clear, she wanted to take me to the same doctor, in California. All this is getting to me and now I don’t even have my partner to turn to for support. I have no one to blame but myself.
Tuesday 6.10.14 The Call
What’s worse than silence? Hearing the voice from the person you hurt and love the most. I don’t know what I was thinking. I felt lonely and empty. Still do. I thought hearing him and perhaps working up the courage to actually tell Harry what was going on would help, but I didn’t make it that far.
His voice felt like needles stabbing me through the phone. I bled internally. I hurt all over. My chest ached and all I wanted to do was hold my heart in my hands to allow it some sense of comfort, some contact. After the call, I couldn’t sleep. How dare I try. Those words just resonated throughout my entire cave.
“Was it somethin’ I said? What did I do? YOU LEFT AGAIN! This is what you do, Jude!”
“You never let me in. . .I always asked you to be honest with me. But you didn’t even give me a chance to fight. To fight for you!”
“You had it easy! Yes, you’re a coward! A FUCKIN’ COWARD! You left so you wouldn’t see the mess you left behind!”
I kept agreeing with him. He had every right to be angry, considering that he’s kept it bottled inside since my disappearance. I apologized, over and over again, but I couldn’t say everything he wanted to hear. Nor everything I really wanted to say. My tears began to sting and burn the corners of my eyes. It was easier to listen with eyes closed but that only intensified his sound.
“I’m always the one who loves more. That’s my problem! . . . I honestly thought . . . I was terrified of ever hurting you but I never thought you’d-“
“You’ll never understand how much I truly loved you . . . One day, you will realize that I was the ONE. “
I remember the conversation getting calmer, the winds dying down. The pain still lingering. His voice had changed due to congestion. Tears, nothing but tears on both ends. Not only was my heart breaking, but it was smashing into the tiniest of pieces then spreading throughout my blood stream. These piece will circulate and cut me forever.
“I’ve never hurt this bad, Jude. . . and I’m worried if I wait, then wait too long. . . will it never happen for us?”
That made me question this whole break. A break means you eventually come back and I didn’t know if that was our future. How can you love someone that’s wrong for you? Are we wrong? But that’s how I ended the conversation.
“Harry, I don’t know.”
I evaded them. Raising a solid shield, I dodged every bullet, each phone call and text. The further I got the more I longed to return, the more regret sunk in. People stared. Flight attendants asked if I was okay. Apparently seeing a girl with endless streams and blood shot eyes is a rare thing at 1am.
Landing in Phoenix knowing there were no future plans with Harry left me desolate and afloat. Like a tamed bird set free then missing the feeling of belonging to someone. I ran from him. What a gutless thing to do, but with the commotion going on at home, with mom, there’s no time to think about my selfish problems.
Monday 6.9.14 Small Spaces
Harry’s quiet today. Good because I can’t take it. I can’t take all the screaming texts and hurtful words that keep popping on my screen. I’m keeping my phone on silent to not distract mom as she makes the funeral arrangements. Even though Aunt Maggie was older, she was fun and youthful in her own way. She refused to let the cancer dim her spirits, she refused so much she didn’t tell us it had worsened. And now we know.
Looking at a casket is the most bizarre feeling in the world. There’s nothing pretty about it. The colors are morbid and the space, the small space, gives me shivers. I don’t have the heart to look at Aunt Maggie once she’s lying there with all her makeup and hair in place. Such a stage for the wrong audience. An eternal date with death.
To make matters worse, mom won’t get off my back about further appointments with other gynecologists. After triple checking that she was in the clear, she wanted to take me to the same doctor, in California. All this is getting to me and now I don’t even have my partner to turn to for support. I have no one to blame but myself.
Tuesday 6.10.14 The Call
What’s worse than silence? Hearing the voice from the person you hurt and love the most. I don’t know what I was thinking. I felt lonely and empty. Still do. I thought hearing him and perhaps working up the courage to actually tell Harry what was going on would help, but I didn’t make it that far.
His voice felt like needles stabbing me through the phone. I bled internally. I hurt all over. My chest ached and all I wanted to do was hold my heart in my hands to allow it some sense of comfort, some contact. After the call, I couldn’t sleep. How dare I try. Those words just resonated throughout my entire cave.
“Was it somethin’ I said? What did I do? YOU LEFT AGAIN! This is what you do, Jude!”
“You never let me in. . .I always asked you to be honest with me. But you didn’t even give me a chance to fight. To fight for you!”
“You had it easy! Yes, you’re a coward! A FUCKIN’ COWARD! You left so you wouldn’t see the mess you left behind!”
I kept agreeing with him. He had every right to be angry, considering that he’s kept it bottled inside since my disappearance. I apologized, over and over again, but I couldn’t say everything he wanted to hear. Nor everything I really wanted to say. My tears began to sting and burn the corners of my eyes. It was easier to listen with eyes closed but that only intensified his sound.
“I’m always the one who loves more. That’s my problem! . . . I honestly thought . . . I was terrified of ever hurting you but I never thought you’d-“
“You’ll never understand how much I truly loved you . . . One day, you will realize that I was the ONE. “
I remember the conversation getting calmer, the winds dying down. The pain still lingering. His voice had changed due to congestion. Tears, nothing but tears on both ends. Not only was my heart breaking, but it was smashing into the tiniest of pieces then spreading throughout my blood stream. These piece will circulate and cut me forever.
“I’ve never hurt this bad, Jude. . . and I’m worried if I wait, then wait too long. . . will it never happen for us?”
That made me question this whole break. A break means you eventually come back and I didn’t know if that was our future. How can you love someone that’s wrong for you? Are we wrong? But that’s how I ended the conversation.
“Harry, I don’t know.”
Notes
A/N: Chapter PlaylistOver You -Ingrid Michaelson feat. A Great Big World (sadly beautiful)
Goodbye Goodbye... -Michael Logen
85............why am i commenting on dirty things!
6/15/16