My fingers fumble with the length of rope, and I gasp involuntarily. How many times had I thought about suicide? How many times had I turned away from it? The noose is done. I tie the end of the rope to one of the exposed beams, one of the ones we hung streamers from for Marie’s eighteenth birthday.
I stand up on the chair I was just sitting on, and slip to rope around my neck, and ignore the banging from my head. It is from my head, right? I look around and a tear slips from my eye. I love this place so much. I love the people here so much. But to love, you have to learn to let go.
My eye catches sight of the folded up slip on the coffee table. I take a deep breath, and move one foot off the chair. Now the other one, Julianna. Just move the other one off, come on, says the red-clad Julianna on my left shoulder. But my brain won’t let me lift that other foot. So, with all my might, I force my left foot backwards, slamming it into the chair, which pops behind me.
Why am I not falling? I’m not standing on anything.
Wait, it’s getting darker and darker.
Wow, I guess dying doesn’t hurt. I wonder what death will be like… After all, to the organized mind, death is but the next adventure. Is my mind organized? You know what, I can’t tell anymore- it’s too dark.
“I love you Zayn.”
~*~
Louis’ POV
I look at Zayn’s hurt face as he sits across the table from me. Seconds ago, Julianna, the only girl he’s ever let himself love, ran away from his proposal. Maritza had run after her- neither of them are back yet.
“Zayn,” I begin, looking at his solemn face, “perk up. She loves you- she just wasn’t ready.”
“Louis,” he replies in a solemn tone that matches his face, “perk down. She doesn’t.” I want to walk up to him and slap him in the face. I know my sister better than anyone, almost- she loves him! I could see that on her face when she ran out.
“Zayn Malik,” a voice yells from behind me; “you put that poor girl through hell and back! She loves you, but she didn’t want to tell anyone but you- ugh!” He cringes away from Maritza’s approaching form. “Now we have to go look for her. Zayn, go to your house. Louis, go to Marie’s house. Marie, go to Hagen Daaz. Belle, go to your house. Haz, Niall, Liam, Larissa and I will go look around random places. Call if you find her.” I nod, instantly rising and collecting my things. I give Larissa a peck on the lips and she pats my back.
“Good luck, Tommo. And if you don’t bring her back, bad things will happen.” She frowns at her own words, and then goes with Maritza to drive around. I sigh, and head off to my car, checking the time as I do.
The night is pitch black and I can feel a lump rising in my throat at its ominous-ness. Does the knife-like air signify something bad for Julianna’s future? Or… Julianna’s present?
I turn my head down- I can’t think about that right now; I just have to find her. There’s no ulterior motive.
After driving for ten minutes, I park in front of Marie and Julianna’s shared house, not even taking a minute to lock my car. Instead, I burst in through her front door and make my way into the living room.
She’s about to jump. The noose is around her neck.
She’s crying.
“I love you, Zayn,” she whispers, before forcing her feet off of the chair. I hold her foot back, but then she thrashes out her other foot, banging the chair back. I catch her around her thin waist, and she gives up. I can feel her breathing heavily, and a tear falls on my shoulder. Oh god… Why? I loosen the noose that encircles her neck and take a sharp breath when I realize it’s left a bruise. I carry her over to the sofa, laying her down, my eyes avoiding her neck all the while. I whip out my phone and dial a number I have dreaded dialing all my life: 999.
“Hello, this is 999, please state your situation.” My breath stays short and measured as I look at Julianna’s small, vulnerable form. My breath catches and a tear slips from the corner of my eye.
“Can I have an ambulance at 36-09 Maple Street? My… My baby sister attempted suicide.” I whisper. I hear loud noises on the other side- then mumbling and footsteps. Suddenly, the line goes blank.
“Lou?” A confused Julianna asks me. I look over at her and smile sadly. Her clouded brown eyes search my face for something, and it makes me evade her steady gaze.
“Julianna, you know we all love you, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So?”
“So what? So why did I try? Because you love me, Lou! Do you even know what happened to me? How I’m such a liability? Hell, Louis, everything with me screams liability. I was BORN a liability. And as long as I’m around, Zayn will never feel love. You won’t be fun and happy, because I’ll make you sad. Marie and Belle and Larissa and Maritza and the boys- they won’t be able to live their lives because I’m going to fucking ruin them!”
“No.”
“…What did you say?”
“I said no.” My voice is strong and confident. You want to know why? Because no. Julianna is my little sister- without her I won’t be fun and happy. Zayn will never experience love without her, because he’s in love with her. That’s why. “Without you we wouldn’t be who we are. Suck it up and breathe until the EMCs get here to do it for you- then we’ll talk. But you’re not leaving any of us in this hellhole without you, Julianna. So shut up.” A small laugh manages to tinkle out of her sad mouth, and brings a tiny grin to mine. Just then a heavy knock echoed from the door. Julianna raises her eyebrows and I wave my hand in front of her face.
“Hello, I’m Louis and my- my sister tried to commit suicide by hanging herself but I caught her and I don’t know what to do. Her name is Julianna Sofia Moore and we live here, 36-09 Maple Street.” At this point I don’t even feel guilty about lying. But is it even lying? She’s my sister in every single way except genetics. One of the male paramedics nods, while two females and one more male push pass me to aide Julianna. I hear them murmuring and tears start to well in my eyes- I don’t know what any of us will do if we lose her.
“Keep clam young man- we’ll have her good in no time.” The other male paramedic assures me after giving Julianna a once-over. “You got here just in time.” Looking at Julianna’s body, which is now in deep slumber, I can agree with him and more. I did get here just in time- to save her life.
But was I too late to save the girl inside?
~*~
Zayn’s POV
Where is she? Where the hell is she? Where is my fiancée-to-be? Where is Julianna Sofia Moore?
She has to be alright.
I take a deep breath- of course she is. Just picture her sitting there, drinking some hot tea with Marie. A faint smile raises to my lips as I slide my key into my lock, turn the handle to my front door and step in as the creaking covers my footsteps. The smile runs away from my face as I look around and see the door that leads to the room where Julianna stayed.
Will she ever stay there again?
Don’t think about it, don’t think-
“And dreams of para para, paradise, every time she closed her eyes” My ringtone cuts me off. Paradise is an old song, but what can I say- I love it. It also reminds me of Julianna.
“Zayn!” Louis practically screeches as soon as I pick up. “Zayn, I found her and we’re going to the hospital right now they say she’s fine but hurry.” Louis gasps into his side of the phone. Well, I imagine his side of the phone- you never know, he could be breathing this into his foot and it magically connected to my phone. In the background I hear voices yelling, and one of them says to hang up the phone.
My line goes dead.
“What the hell, Lou!” I scream to myself, kicking a nearby chair. Thanks for leaving me hanging, Lou. I look around the darkened room and try to ignore the throbbing pain stemming from my left foot. There’s only one thing to do: find Julianna.
~*~
Julianna’s POV
I’m not really sure what time it is. I don’t really know where I am. I don’t really know what I’ve done- except one small tiny thing that I’m very, very ashamed of. I turned Zayn down, in public. Was I on drugs or something? I love Zayn, what was I thinking?
Oh.
I know.
But what I know now is that I can’t face him. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to face him- but not now. Certainly not now! If I face him now, I’m positive I’m on drugs. Positive.
“Julianna?” A masculine voice calls out. Not Zayn. Please be not Zayn. Please be not Zayn with a cherry on top. “Julianna its Louis, can I come in.” Here’s your cherry. I think sarcastically.
“Yeah, sure Lou.” I reply, bracing myself. I finally take in my surroundings and realize that I’m in a hospital- it smells like anesthetic and disinfectants in here. Ew.
“Julianna, please, don’t do anything rash.” He practically begs as soon as he as one red Toms-clad foot through my ivory door.
“Why would I do something rash?”
“Well, because.” He looks at me awkwardly, as if he’s speechless. But that’s a funny joke! Louis William Tomlinson is never speechless. He opens and closes his mouth, staring at me with his hazel eyes. “BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO HANG YOURSELF JULIANNA.” I’m pretty sure my brown eyes are bug-eyed at the moment, because only one thought runs through my mind as the person I want to see the least sprints through the door.
“Wow, I really must’ve been on drugs.” I blurt, just as Zayn utters:
“Julianna Sofia Moore, you are so in trouble young lady!”
Oops.