Summer Break
What do I have to do?
“Annabelle, open the door please!” Ashley pounded on my locked door for the 7th time since I came back to the room. “Annabelle! You’ve been locked in there for hours and haven’t told me what’s going on!” She shouted.
I rolled gently off of my bed, my feet lightly hitting the floor.
“Annabelle! Seriously, what’s going on! Harry has been here twice asking if you were alright! You better open this damn door right now or I’ll-”
“Oh my god Ashley, I can hear you perfectly fine you don’t need to shout.” I interrupted her opening the door and laying back down on my bed.
“Annabelle,” she spoke softer now, thank God. “What happened?” she asked sitting down on the edge of my bed.
“I, uh- we almost, and I wanted to but I couldn’t. So I uh, left. I just… I just don’t know.” I couldn’t even speak in complete or proper sentences, but I know she understood. I literally mutter every word, finding it a struggle to even talk about what had happened. Actually, how much of an idiot I’d been.
“Why?”
“I don’t know Ashley! I just freaked out, I’ve never been… wanted like that before and I didn’t know if I would regret it! I mean I always promised myself I wouldn’t have sex until I was married. Just the fact that I really wanted to scared me.” I admitted. “I feel terrible; I just couldn’t be alone with him after that!”
“Anna, it’s okay. I’m sure he’ll understand. Plus, he’s waited this long. How he did that, who the hell knows?” she threw up her hands.
She always knew how to make me laugh. “I guess so. Thanks, I just… would kind of like to be by myself the rest of the night, if you don’t mind.” I stated. “After, I get some coffee.” I added. “And food.”
“We have cold pizza!” she exclaimed. I laughed standing again from my bed. “Hey Anna,” she stopped me. “Don’t over think this. Okay?”
I let out a deep breath. “Alright.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Journal,
I don’t understand life. How can you go from being so happy one minute, then within the hour it can go to complete… complete. Shit! For lack of better words. This is my entire fault, isn’t it? Geez, why does he do this to me? And why can’t I just let myself be happy? Why can’t I be with him like he wants, like I want? I just promised myself, when I was heavier you know, that I would wait until marriage. I’d just seen so many people with… so many other people, and it was just like a regular thing. I’ve come to the belief that it’s not as special when you do it with other people and I just, I just want it to be special. I don’t want it to be something I regret when I’m older. And I just wanted to make sure that the other person wasn’t using me. I guess I knew when I was heavy and someone wanted to be with me… they really wanted me for me. Now I don’t know.
It seemed so much simpler back then, maybe because that’s when I learned not to trust anyone. Maybe that’s when I found out that I didn’t want to be played like all my friends, I didn’t want to have a modern day relationship. I wanted to know someone, and I didn’t want my relationship based on physical appeal. At first, of course. I just think that, my virginity is the one thing that I can give to my significant other and no one else… except my heart I guess. I want to save it for the most important person in my life, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Liking Harry so much makes it so hard.
Am I willing to give it up to him? When I think about the future, I don’t end up regretting it. Even if I don’t end up with him… but how do I really know that now? How could I possibly know that, how do I know that I’m ready? You know what question hurts even more? Is there a way that I’m really good enough for him? That’s a thought that clouded my brain when we were about to… you know. It’s just that he’s probably been with so many girls, and they probably had experience. The only experience I’ve had was when I read 50 Shades of Grey… or Gray. Yea, pretty sure it’s Grey.
What if I never feel like this again? What if I never like someone as much as I like Harry? What if he moves on after the summer? Is ‘what if’ even a question? It’s not really, is it? Look at me, out here sat on the balcony of my room in the dark… by myself an-
*Buzz, Buzz, Buzz*
I hadn’t even realized that I was crying until my attention snapped to my phone. I shut my journal on my lap, and reached over to grab my phone off the table.
Harry .xxx
Accept or Decline.
I stared at my screen a bit more, the tears that had been flowing turned into sobs. I clicked decline. I couldn’t talk to him; I couldn’t even look at his name flash across my screen. Before I set my phone back down on the table, I checked the time. 9 pm. I set my phone down with my shaking hands. I covered my mouth with my hand and pulled my knees to my chin and sat crying. I don’t know for how long and I didn’t care, it felt okay. But it weakened me, and I didn’t want to fall asleep out here. I reached for my journal and pulled it back open.
an- I’m just going to go to bed. Gosh, just when I thought I wouldn’t have to write in my journal anymore.
-Annabelle.
I closed my notebook and stood, grabbing all my things and moving them into my room. I didn’t even bother to change before I fell into my bed and curled up into a ball. Then I cried, I cried myself to sleep, for stupid reasons, and for the first time since I had met Harry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
*Buzz, Buzz, Buzz*
I groaned, waking up to the light buzzing noise coming from my phone. I rolled over and glanced at the clock 2:30 am? What the hell, who is calling?
I rolled to the other side of my bed and grabbed my phone, answering before I even checked the name.
“Hello?” I half whispered.
“BABYYYY!!” I knew who this deep, and extremely loud voice belonged to.
“Harry? It’s two in the morning.”
“I know, but I miss you. I miss you so much baby. Can you open the door, please?” he slurred.
“Harry. Why are you?” I heard light sobs from the opposite side of the phone. “Are you crying?”
“No! Come answer the door!” he said before the call ended. And sure enough there were loud pounds on the door to out room.
I hurried out of my bedroom and to the front door before he got any louder. I opened the door to a very messed up and drunk Harry.
“ANNABELLE!” He yelled as soon as he realized I had opened the door.
“Harry, what the hell? Be quiet before you wake up the whole floor!” I whispered pulling him inside.
He landed on me, pulling me into a hug. “I’ve missed you! Why’d you leave, baby?!”
“Harry, be quiet. Ashley and Jake are sleeping.” I whispered again trying to push him, in his obvious drunk self, off of me.
“No, now we’re not. What happened?” Ashley said from her bedroom door. “Harry, you look like shit. Have you been drinking?” she asked.
“No.” he answered, swinging his hand while he answered. “Well, maybe a couple.” He laughed.
“Alright, come on.” I said trying to lead him towards my bedroom as he put all of his weight on me, stumbling along.
“Oh, Annabelle. You are absolutely amazing and caring! Isn’t she Ashley? And very pretty… You’re pretty too, don’t get me wrong but-”
“Harry, stop talking. Annabelle, do you need help?” Ashley replied with an annoyance spread upon her face.
“No, thank you. I got it.” I said finally by my door.
“Alright, goodnight.” She said closing her door.
I slowly moved Harry through my door and had him sit down on the edge of my bed as he sang in my ear.
“Alright,” I said, grabbing the class of water from next to my bed. “Here, drink this.”
He took it from my hand and took a huge gulp before speaking again. “Why’d you leave me?”
“Harry, I just needed time to think.” I answered honestly, doubting that he would even remember in the morning anyway.
“About us?” he asked again. When I didn’t answer he spoke again. “Why don’t you feel the same way about me like I feel about you?” he questioned, slurring his words a bit less than before, but some of it was still difficult to make.
“I don’t know, Harry. How do you feel about me?” I asked throwing my hair up in frustration.
“Don’t turn this around on me! How’s that fair? I didn’t leave you?!”
“Harry! Stop it. You’re acting like I ended our relationship; I just wanted time to myself!” I started raising my voice.
“Why can’t you talk to me? Why can’t you understand how bad I want to be there for you? What do I have to do to get you to talk to me about what you’re… what you’re thinking?” He took another drink of water, almost finishing it off.
“Harry.” I nearly shouted, but took a deep breath before continuing. “We’ll talk in the morning, okay. I’m too tired for this and you’re definitely too wasted. Let’s just go to bed.” I put my hand on my forehead, rubbing my eyes. Why did he have to go get drunk and tell me all this now?
Before I knew it he was stumbling quickly to the bathroom and I heard him throw up. Really? I hurried into the bathroom and sat next to him, placing my hand on his back. I avoided looking at him; the sound was bad enough as it is. He would stop for a while, then before he began again, he grabbed onto my hand.
I held onto him and rubbed his back for the next 10 minutes while he threw up. He occasionally would stop for a short time saying it should end soon, because he could tell I was worried. Finally, when we sat in silence for about 4 minutes, we both stood, and he flushed the toilet once more. I let go of his hand and grabbed the complimentary toothbrush off the counter top.
“Here.” I handed it to him, and he looked at me sadly grabbing it. He never took his eyes off of me as he brushed his teeth, but I couldn’t look at him for that long. Seeing him like this was so different for me.
When he finished brushing his teeth, he took another glass of water and drank it quickly. I walked out of the bathroom and back in to the bedroom, just ready to get back in to bed.
“Are you mad at me?” his deep voice was low from behind me. He was still drunk, you could tell by the way his voice sounded like a scared little boys.
I sighed and turned to look to look at Harry, only to see tears in his eyes. “No, Harry. I’m not mad at you. Let’s just go to sleep, okay? I’m exhausted.” I watched him nod as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. I turned and walked over to the bed and got under the blanket.
I closed my eyes and listened to Harry strip off his clothes and turn the light off before bumping in to the edge of the bed. “Bloody hell.” I heard him mutter before I felt him lie on the bed.
“Goodnight Annabelle.” His voice was far away, coming from the other side of the bed. We weren’t close like we usually were when we slept. I wished we were closer, but in the end I was glad he was here with me.
“Goodnight Harry.” I whispered.
It was quiet for a moment before I heard him speak again.
“Annabelle…” he whispered weakly.
“Yea?”
“Will you hold me, please?” I couldn’t stand listening to his voice, so lost sounding almost scared.
I turned in my bed to face him. “Yea.” I said before he turned to me with big, hopeful eyes.
He moved over to me, quickly closing the space between. He rested his head on my stomach and wrapped his left arm around my waist. Harry was quiet at first, and as I started running my fingers through his hair I heard him crying. I didn’t want to say anything, so I just let him cry. I let him cry because that’s what he always does for me. It’s so hard seeing him like this, so sensitive? It hurts though, and I wonder if this is what it’s like for him when I cry. I know I can’t stop to tears, but I try to help him calm down by whispering Harry, it’s okay’s, to him now and again. I feel as though this only makes him cry harder.
Soon his tears stop and his breathe is back to normal and he crawls up and rests his head under my neck. His hair tickles my skin, but I don’t say anything because I don’t care. I just care that he’s here with me, despite everything that happened yesterday.
As I continued to run my fingers through Harry’s hair, I could feel myself dozing. You know that stage of sleepiness where you can hear and feel the things around you, but you’re asleep? It was that. I could feel my hand stop moving and my head fall the side, since I was now laying on my back.
“I feel safe with you, Annabelle.” It was barely audible at my state, yet the words were perfectly clear. I could tell how tired he was, and when he continued to speak, the words spilt from his lips right before I knew he would fall completely asleep. “I love you, Annabelle.”
No. I am suddenly completely awake, closing my eyes tightly, trying to stop the tears from falling. They fall anyway.
I rolled gently off of my bed, my feet lightly hitting the floor.
“Annabelle! Seriously, what’s going on! Harry has been here twice asking if you were alright! You better open this damn door right now or I’ll-”
“Oh my god Ashley, I can hear you perfectly fine you don’t need to shout.” I interrupted her opening the door and laying back down on my bed.
“Annabelle,” she spoke softer now, thank God. “What happened?” she asked sitting down on the edge of my bed.
“I, uh- we almost, and I wanted to but I couldn’t. So I uh, left. I just… I just don’t know.” I couldn’t even speak in complete or proper sentences, but I know she understood. I literally mutter every word, finding it a struggle to even talk about what had happened. Actually, how much of an idiot I’d been.
“Why?”
“I don’t know Ashley! I just freaked out, I’ve never been… wanted like that before and I didn’t know if I would regret it! I mean I always promised myself I wouldn’t have sex until I was married. Just the fact that I really wanted to scared me.” I admitted. “I feel terrible; I just couldn’t be alone with him after that!”
“Anna, it’s okay. I’m sure he’ll understand. Plus, he’s waited this long. How he did that, who the hell knows?” she threw up her hands.
She always knew how to make me laugh. “I guess so. Thanks, I just… would kind of like to be by myself the rest of the night, if you don’t mind.” I stated. “After, I get some coffee.” I added. “And food.”
“We have cold pizza!” she exclaimed. I laughed standing again from my bed. “Hey Anna,” she stopped me. “Don’t over think this. Okay?”
I let out a deep breath. “Alright.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Journal,
I don’t understand life. How can you go from being so happy one minute, then within the hour it can go to complete… complete. Shit! For lack of better words. This is my entire fault, isn’t it? Geez, why does he do this to me? And why can’t I just let myself be happy? Why can’t I be with him like he wants, like I want? I just promised myself, when I was heavier you know, that I would wait until marriage. I’d just seen so many people with… so many other people, and it was just like a regular thing. I’ve come to the belief that it’s not as special when you do it with other people and I just, I just want it to be special. I don’t want it to be something I regret when I’m older. And I just wanted to make sure that the other person wasn’t using me. I guess I knew when I was heavy and someone wanted to be with me… they really wanted me for me. Now I don’t know.
It seemed so much simpler back then, maybe because that’s when I learned not to trust anyone. Maybe that’s when I found out that I didn’t want to be played like all my friends, I didn’t want to have a modern day relationship. I wanted to know someone, and I didn’t want my relationship based on physical appeal. At first, of course. I just think that, my virginity is the one thing that I can give to my significant other and no one else… except my heart I guess. I want to save it for the most important person in my life, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Liking Harry so much makes it so hard.
Am I willing to give it up to him? When I think about the future, I don’t end up regretting it. Even if I don’t end up with him… but how do I really know that now? How could I possibly know that, how do I know that I’m ready? You know what question hurts even more? Is there a way that I’m really good enough for him? That’s a thought that clouded my brain when we were about to… you know. It’s just that he’s probably been with so many girls, and they probably had experience. The only experience I’ve had was when I read 50 Shades of Grey… or Gray. Yea, pretty sure it’s Grey.
What if I never feel like this again? What if I never like someone as much as I like Harry? What if he moves on after the summer? Is ‘what if’ even a question? It’s not really, is it? Look at me, out here sat on the balcony of my room in the dark… by myself an-
*Buzz, Buzz, Buzz*
I hadn’t even realized that I was crying until my attention snapped to my phone. I shut my journal on my lap, and reached over to grab my phone off the table.
Harry .xxx
Accept or Decline.
I stared at my screen a bit more, the tears that had been flowing turned into sobs. I clicked decline. I couldn’t talk to him; I couldn’t even look at his name flash across my screen. Before I set my phone back down on the table, I checked the time. 9 pm. I set my phone down with my shaking hands. I covered my mouth with my hand and pulled my knees to my chin and sat crying. I don’t know for how long and I didn’t care, it felt okay. But it weakened me, and I didn’t want to fall asleep out here. I reached for my journal and pulled it back open.
an- I’m just going to go to bed. Gosh, just when I thought I wouldn’t have to write in my journal anymore.
-Annabelle.
I closed my notebook and stood, grabbing all my things and moving them into my room. I didn’t even bother to change before I fell into my bed and curled up into a ball. Then I cried, I cried myself to sleep, for stupid reasons, and for the first time since I had met Harry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
*Buzz, Buzz, Buzz*
I groaned, waking up to the light buzzing noise coming from my phone. I rolled over and glanced at the clock 2:30 am? What the hell, who is calling?
I rolled to the other side of my bed and grabbed my phone, answering before I even checked the name.
“Hello?” I half whispered.
“BABYYYY!!” I knew who this deep, and extremely loud voice belonged to.
“Harry? It’s two in the morning.”
“I know, but I miss you. I miss you so much baby. Can you open the door, please?” he slurred.
“Harry. Why are you?” I heard light sobs from the opposite side of the phone. “Are you crying?”
“No! Come answer the door!” he said before the call ended. And sure enough there were loud pounds on the door to out room.
I hurried out of my bedroom and to the front door before he got any louder. I opened the door to a very messed up and drunk Harry.
“ANNABELLE!” He yelled as soon as he realized I had opened the door.
“Harry, what the hell? Be quiet before you wake up the whole floor!” I whispered pulling him inside.
He landed on me, pulling me into a hug. “I’ve missed you! Why’d you leave, baby?!”
“Harry, be quiet. Ashley and Jake are sleeping.” I whispered again trying to push him, in his obvious drunk self, off of me.
“No, now we’re not. What happened?” Ashley said from her bedroom door. “Harry, you look like shit. Have you been drinking?” she asked.
“No.” he answered, swinging his hand while he answered. “Well, maybe a couple.” He laughed.
“Alright, come on.” I said trying to lead him towards my bedroom as he put all of his weight on me, stumbling along.
“Oh, Annabelle. You are absolutely amazing and caring! Isn’t she Ashley? And very pretty… You’re pretty too, don’t get me wrong but-”
“Harry, stop talking. Annabelle, do you need help?” Ashley replied with an annoyance spread upon her face.
“No, thank you. I got it.” I said finally by my door.
“Alright, goodnight.” She said closing her door.
I slowly moved Harry through my door and had him sit down on the edge of my bed as he sang in my ear.
“Alright,” I said, grabbing the class of water from next to my bed. “Here, drink this.”
He took it from my hand and took a huge gulp before speaking again. “Why’d you leave me?”
“Harry, I just needed time to think.” I answered honestly, doubting that he would even remember in the morning anyway.
“About us?” he asked again. When I didn’t answer he spoke again. “Why don’t you feel the same way about me like I feel about you?” he questioned, slurring his words a bit less than before, but some of it was still difficult to make.
“I don’t know, Harry. How do you feel about me?” I asked throwing my hair up in frustration.
“Don’t turn this around on me! How’s that fair? I didn’t leave you?!”
“Harry! Stop it. You’re acting like I ended our relationship; I just wanted time to myself!” I started raising my voice.
“Why can’t you talk to me? Why can’t you understand how bad I want to be there for you? What do I have to do to get you to talk to me about what you’re… what you’re thinking?” He took another drink of water, almost finishing it off.
“Harry.” I nearly shouted, but took a deep breath before continuing. “We’ll talk in the morning, okay. I’m too tired for this and you’re definitely too wasted. Let’s just go to bed.” I put my hand on my forehead, rubbing my eyes. Why did he have to go get drunk and tell me all this now?
Before I knew it he was stumbling quickly to the bathroom and I heard him throw up. Really? I hurried into the bathroom and sat next to him, placing my hand on his back. I avoided looking at him; the sound was bad enough as it is. He would stop for a while, then before he began again, he grabbed onto my hand.
I held onto him and rubbed his back for the next 10 minutes while he threw up. He occasionally would stop for a short time saying it should end soon, because he could tell I was worried. Finally, when we sat in silence for about 4 minutes, we both stood, and he flushed the toilet once more. I let go of his hand and grabbed the complimentary toothbrush off the counter top.
“Here.” I handed it to him, and he looked at me sadly grabbing it. He never took his eyes off of me as he brushed his teeth, but I couldn’t look at him for that long. Seeing him like this was so different for me.
When he finished brushing his teeth, he took another glass of water and drank it quickly. I walked out of the bathroom and back in to the bedroom, just ready to get back in to bed.
“Are you mad at me?” his deep voice was low from behind me. He was still drunk, you could tell by the way his voice sounded like a scared little boys.
I sighed and turned to look to look at Harry, only to see tears in his eyes. “No, Harry. I’m not mad at you. Let’s just go to sleep, okay? I’m exhausted.” I watched him nod as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. I turned and walked over to the bed and got under the blanket.
I closed my eyes and listened to Harry strip off his clothes and turn the light off before bumping in to the edge of the bed. “Bloody hell.” I heard him mutter before I felt him lie on the bed.
“Goodnight Annabelle.” His voice was far away, coming from the other side of the bed. We weren’t close like we usually were when we slept. I wished we were closer, but in the end I was glad he was here with me.
“Goodnight Harry.” I whispered.
It was quiet for a moment before I heard him speak again.
“Annabelle…” he whispered weakly.
“Yea?”
“Will you hold me, please?” I couldn’t stand listening to his voice, so lost sounding almost scared.
I turned in my bed to face him. “Yea.” I said before he turned to me with big, hopeful eyes.
He moved over to me, quickly closing the space between. He rested his head on my stomach and wrapped his left arm around my waist. Harry was quiet at first, and as I started running my fingers through his hair I heard him crying. I didn’t want to say anything, so I just let him cry. I let him cry because that’s what he always does for me. It’s so hard seeing him like this, so sensitive? It hurts though, and I wonder if this is what it’s like for him when I cry. I know I can’t stop to tears, but I try to help him calm down by whispering Harry, it’s okay’s, to him now and again. I feel as though this only makes him cry harder.
Soon his tears stop and his breathe is back to normal and he crawls up and rests his head under my neck. His hair tickles my skin, but I don’t say anything because I don’t care. I just care that he’s here with me, despite everything that happened yesterday.
As I continued to run my fingers through Harry’s hair, I could feel myself dozing. You know that stage of sleepiness where you can hear and feel the things around you, but you’re asleep? It was that. I could feel my hand stop moving and my head fall the side, since I was now laying on my back.
“I feel safe with you, Annabelle.” It was barely audible at my state, yet the words were perfectly clear. I could tell how tired he was, and when he continued to speak, the words spilt from his lips right before I knew he would fall completely asleep. “I love you, Annabelle.”
No. I am suddenly completely awake, closing my eyes tightly, trying to stop the tears from falling. They fall anyway.
Notes
hi lovlies,OH MY GOD! WHAT? WHAT? I'm seriously crying right now. Like 90 subscribers?! Stop it, y'all are playing with me right. And my votes went up and just thank you SO FREAKING MUCH! I just can't even explain. I LOVE YOU GUYS! I was only hoping for 100 subs by the end of the story but I might pass that. AHHHH!
On a shittier note, I just wanted to say all this Kendall and Harry shit is pissing me off. Is that bad? Yea... don't really care right now. I'll be over it after New Years though, so whatever. HAHA. God, being a Harry girl is hard. lol.
Uhm, I hope you liked this chapter! It's lonnnnnggggggg...er. And I worked hard on it, and I just really hope enjoyed it and AH! I was so excited when I finished I almost cried. Like I finished like two days ago, but I fell asleep last night and came up with the end where he cries and she comforts him cause I thought'd it be cute. WATCHYA GONNA DO? lol.
Uhm, this week is finals week, so I might have to leave you with this chapter until Thursday! I'm sorry. But I might not, so yeaaaa. <3 Have a nice day or night. and don't go on Twitter if you don't wanna see all this Hendall(?) drama like I stupidly did this morning! I like Karry better... I should be in charge of ship names. Alright, thank you guys for being to flipping amazing!
So what do you think is gonna happen next?
.xx R
@All-is-on
Oh, thanks lovely.
3/23/15