Summer Break
Dear Journal,
Dear Journal,
I haven’t written in a while, it’s crazy how much has changed since the beginning of the summer. I think then I felt like I was losing myself… No, I definitely was losing myself then. Do you know what that’s like? To lose yourself, to feel like no matter who you are with, you’re always putting up a front? Of course not! You’re a journal. Either way, since being here I just feel… happy, like really happy. I haven’t been happy in a long time, and this feels so good. I don’t understand how one person can change you and how you feel so much. How they make you feel so wanted, like you’re not wasting their time.
I remember when I used to think about being in a relationship a lot. I didn’t get why people would ask so different with another person, because of another person. Though sometimes I thought it was crazy, I always wanted that. I wanted someone who I could laugh with, or be there when I don’t feel okay… Someone who could just say my name and make my stomach flip. Oh, or somebody who I could kiss in the rain. Did I ever think that would actually happen to me? No. To tell the truth, I didn’t think I was good enough for any one. Sometimes I still do, think I’m not good enough for Harry. So is it selfish of me to keep him? Yes, and soon, everyone will probably think so.
Uhm, I Skyped my family a couple of days ago, and once last week while the boys were still here. Courtney was so happy; I seriously thought she was going to pass out right there. She had the biggest smile on her face the entire time. She also got a video of them talking to her, and I am pretty sure she showed everyone she knows the next day. All in all, that call was fun, we had a good laugh. The call with just Harry and I was nice too, not like the last time. We just all had a lovely chat, and my family really seems to like him. I’m glad they do, their opinion actually means a lot to me, maybe even too much. During the call, Ashley needed Harry’s help with something, so my aunt told me what they thought. They told me how happy I looked, that they’d never seen my like that before. Again, happiness. I guess you really know it’s true when other people notice, huh?
Alright, I’ve rambled long enough, now for the real reason I’m writing this. I am scared, I am so scared. I don’t know what to do about this relationship; I don’t know what to feel. I like Harry, I like him a lot. I’ve never liked anyone so much, obviously I guess. Alright, so what do I do? I’m scared that either he feels the same way, or the complete opposite. Honestly, he makes me feel less insecure about myself, I don’t really think that he’s just dating me to make myself feel better. So what if he feels the same way, but more? … I can’t love someone. I don’t believe in it. You know how many times I’ve ‘loved’ people, and they all just leave. I can’t do that again, I just can’t. They never feel the same way after a while anyway. I’m the one who trusts someone, and gets hurt. I’m at war with myself… I can’t tell him I don’t believe in loving someone. Then I’ll lose him. That’s were me being selfish comes in isn’t it?
Does everyone feel like this? Is it acceptable for me to blame my past? No, probably not, but I do. Maybe if it wasn’t so hard to trust people, and let them in, this would be a better situation. Maybe if people didn’t used to treat me like I was nothing, then I wouldn’t feel ‘nothing’ now. I’m pathetic aren’t I… am I playing him? I’m not being honest with him and it hurt so badly. That’s what I feel right now, pain. I shouldn’t but I do… and as hard as I may try to change that I can’t. Maybe I can but, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to love him, I don’t know if I can. I’m not telling him though, I can’t tell him, at least not right now. It would hurt too much, physically and emotionally. I’m terrible, oh my god.
“Hey baby.” I jumped at the sound of Harry’s deep voice coming from behind me. “Mauh,” he sounded kissing my cheek, then sitting in the chair on the other side of the table. “What are you doing out here?”
“Just looking, observing, writing.” I told him gazing of the balcony, and then looking back to him.
“Well, Ashley and Jake wanted to know if we wanted to go to dinner. I’d figure I’d come and ask you.”
I nodded smiling. “Oh, yea I would. I just have to get ready.”
“Yea, I need to go change my shirt. When I was walking here I spilt my tea.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, “Of course! Harry, you’re almost as clumsy as me!”
“Oh, yes. It’s so funny!” he spoke with his hands in the air. “Alright, I’ll be right back.” He stood again, and moved in front of my chair. I swiftly closed my journal with my pen in it. “You know, you’re so beautiful, baby.” He whispered, pushing a loose piece of my hair behind my ear.
I blushed before he kissed me on the lips, and pulled away too quickly. “See you in five.” He said, and then kissed me on the forehead before smiling and walking back into the room.
I opened my journal up again.
Shit, I am terrible.
-Annabelle.
I haven’t written in a while, it’s crazy how much has changed since the beginning of the summer. I think then I felt like I was losing myself… No, I definitely was losing myself then. Do you know what that’s like? To lose yourself, to feel like no matter who you are with, you’re always putting up a front? Of course not! You’re a journal. Either way, since being here I just feel… happy, like really happy. I haven’t been happy in a long time, and this feels so good. I don’t understand how one person can change you and how you feel so much. How they make you feel so wanted, like you’re not wasting their time.
I remember when I used to think about being in a relationship a lot. I didn’t get why people would ask so different with another person, because of another person. Though sometimes I thought it was crazy, I always wanted that. I wanted someone who I could laugh with, or be there when I don’t feel okay… Someone who could just say my name and make my stomach flip. Oh, or somebody who I could kiss in the rain. Did I ever think that would actually happen to me? No. To tell the truth, I didn’t think I was good enough for any one. Sometimes I still do, think I’m not good enough for Harry. So is it selfish of me to keep him? Yes, and soon, everyone will probably think so.
Uhm, I Skyped my family a couple of days ago, and once last week while the boys were still here. Courtney was so happy; I seriously thought she was going to pass out right there. She had the biggest smile on her face the entire time. She also got a video of them talking to her, and I am pretty sure she showed everyone she knows the next day. All in all, that call was fun, we had a good laugh. The call with just Harry and I was nice too, not like the last time. We just all had a lovely chat, and my family really seems to like him. I’m glad they do, their opinion actually means a lot to me, maybe even too much. During the call, Ashley needed Harry’s help with something, so my aunt told me what they thought. They told me how happy I looked, that they’d never seen my like that before. Again, happiness. I guess you really know it’s true when other people notice, huh?
Alright, I’ve rambled long enough, now for the real reason I’m writing this. I am scared, I am so scared. I don’t know what to do about this relationship; I don’t know what to feel. I like Harry, I like him a lot. I’ve never liked anyone so much, obviously I guess. Alright, so what do I do? I’m scared that either he feels the same way, or the complete opposite. Honestly, he makes me feel less insecure about myself, I don’t really think that he’s just dating me to make myself feel better. So what if he feels the same way, but more? … I can’t love someone. I don’t believe in it. You know how many times I’ve ‘loved’ people, and they all just leave. I can’t do that again, I just can’t. They never feel the same way after a while anyway. I’m the one who trusts someone, and gets hurt. I’m at war with myself… I can’t tell him I don’t believe in loving someone. Then I’ll lose him. That’s were me being selfish comes in isn’t it?
Does everyone feel like this? Is it acceptable for me to blame my past? No, probably not, but I do. Maybe if it wasn’t so hard to trust people, and let them in, this would be a better situation. Maybe if people didn’t used to treat me like I was nothing, then I wouldn’t feel ‘nothing’ now. I’m pathetic aren’t I… am I playing him? I’m not being honest with him and it hurt so badly. That’s what I feel right now, pain. I shouldn’t but I do… and as hard as I may try to change that I can’t. Maybe I can but, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to love him, I don’t know if I can. I’m not telling him though, I can’t tell him, at least not right now. It would hurt too much, physically and emotionally. I’m terrible, oh my god.
“Hey baby.” I jumped at the sound of Harry’s deep voice coming from behind me. “Mauh,” he sounded kissing my cheek, then sitting in the chair on the other side of the table. “What are you doing out here?”
“Just looking, observing, writing.” I told him gazing of the balcony, and then looking back to him.
“Well, Ashley and Jake wanted to know if we wanted to go to dinner. I’d figure I’d come and ask you.”
I nodded smiling. “Oh, yea I would. I just have to get ready.”
“Yea, I need to go change my shirt. When I was walking here I spilt my tea.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, “Of course! Harry, you’re almost as clumsy as me!”
“Oh, yes. It’s so funny!” he spoke with his hands in the air. “Alright, I’ll be right back.” He stood again, and moved in front of my chair. I swiftly closed my journal with my pen in it. “You know, you’re so beautiful, baby.” He whispered, pushing a loose piece of my hair behind my ear.
I blushed before he kissed me on the lips, and pulled away too quickly. “See you in five.” He said, and then kissed me on the forehead before smiling and walking back into the room.
I opened my journal up again.
Shit, I am terrible.
-Annabelle.
Notes
So... that just happened.Oh, over 70 subscribers and almost 40 votes?! Thank y'all!
.xx R
@All-is-on
Oh, thanks lovely.
3/23/15