I barged into the flat, kicking off my sandals and pulling my hair band out. I ran my hands through it, and I heard the grains of sand shaking loose and falling onto the clean tile floor. I’ll clean it up later.

The first thing I did was take a shower. I turned the hot water up as much as I could stand, and I stood there, beneath scalding streams that fogged up the glass door. I pressed my hand against it, watching the mist bead up and roll down in drops, as if each drop were racing to the finish line.

I didn’t bother to try to keep track of how long I’d been standing in there, but eventually the water began to run cold. I turned the dial up as hot as it could go, but even then the water was lukewarm.

I reached out for a towel, a white fluffy one with someone’s name sewn onto it, and wrapped it around my body. My feet had turned lobster red and my fingers were wrinkled, resembling prunes. I wiped my hand over the mirror, clearing off a single streak in the sauna I’d turned the space into.

My face was flushed, my hair wet and clinging to my neck and shoulders. My eyes were wide open, the hazel-ish green seeming dim and dulled. My mouth was twisted down into something like a grimace. Faint worry lines were visible on my forehead.

You’re going to regret this, Carly.

Click.

I blinked, and then headed to the guest bedroom I was occupying, hurriedly shutting and locking it when I heard restless footsteps of a dozen people and hushed voices. Haven’t the boys learned that it’s impossible for them to be quiet? I don’t even know why they’re here. I’ve already ruined the day for them, and with a quick glance out my window to see the sun sinking lower in the sky, painting it like an artist’s palette, I could tell it was late.

I took a suitcase and upturned it onto the bed, tearing through meaningless articles of clothing before finding a grey pair of leggings and a really big sweatshirt with an outline of Mickey Mouse’s ears on it. My hair was wet but at this point, I really didn’t care. I pushed a headband in to keep it from falling into my face.

Searching, I found my iPod and plugged myself in. The first song that came up was Wake Me Up by Ed Sheeran.

That one nearly did me in. My legs wobbled, and I began to wonder when it was that I no longer felt steady on my own two feet.

Click.

I could hear it in my head, the last words he said to me. The low tone he had taken on, menace seeping into a simple phrase, struck a strange sense of fear in my heart.

But no. I was in London, and he was stuck in the same small-town we’d grown up in, and he would stay there. There was no way I was going to let him keep hold of me so many months after we were over.

I shook off the bad thoughts, deciding that the best way to keep them away was to go out and use everyone else as a distraction. God knows they were good at that.

As quietly as possible, I opened the door and stepped into the hallway. The floorboards creaked, and the door squeaked. I was being overly cautious; they wouldn’t hear me from the living room.

Even then, I tip-toed down the hall until I reached the arched entrance to the living room. The boys along with Danielle and Eleanor were occupying different positions on the couches, laughing and talking like a cozy family unit. A commotion of pots and pans in the kitchen clued me in on Carah making lunch, or was it late enough for dinner now?

I leaned against one side of the archway, sort of staring and sort of day dreaming. I wasn’t all there; I was in some kind of other. I was thinking random thoughts when the conversation suddenly ceased, and the lack of background noise to Ed Sheeran’s voice became painfully evident.

“Are you alright?” Harry asked, standing up from the recliner on the other side of the coffee table, reaching a hand over to me. My fingers twirled in my wet hair.

I breathed in deeply. “Yeah. Fine. I think. Don’t mind me, you don’t have to stay here anymore. Sorry for keeping you.”

“You weren’t keeping us, Carly. We wanted to be here for you,” Louis said slowly, each word with a second of hesitation, like he, of all people, needed to think before he spoke.

“Yeah, we’re mates now, aren’t we? Mates don’t leave when the other is upset,” Niall added, looking up at me sheepishly. My heart sank even further, and the guilt began to set in.

“Yeah,” I whispered, looking down at my feet, which were still red.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Liam asked, tightening his arm around Danielle’s shoulders and rubbing his hand up and down her arm.

“No,” I said abruptly, fully broken out of my reverie. There was a gap between songs on the playlist, before another love song played. My lips quivered.

You’re going to regret this, Carly.

“It’s better if you do, it’s not good to keep everything pent up.” Zayn looked over at me cautiously, as if he felt an impending explosion coming on.

Click.

“Please talk to us, Carls,” Harry said, being the only one to approach me. Carah was standing stock still in the doorway to the kitchen. Her face was pinched together, emotions unreadable.

“Don’t call me Carls,” I said quickly, wincing when he touched my shoulder. Harry took back his hand, hurt evident in his blue-green eyes.

“I’m just trying to help you,” He says slowly, slower than usual, as if he were doing his best to remain calm. His mouth twisted downwards.

“What if I don’t want your help? Who said I asked for it? Maybe I’m just better at dealing with things on my own,” I snapped, but did not move away.

“No one’s better at dealing with things on their own.”

“I’ve know you for what, two weeks? What makes you think you know what’s best for me?” I could feel it, then. Me shutting down, sealing myself off from connecting with the rest of them. I was becoming an emotionless robot. Even guilt could not reach me here.

“Don’t do this, Lin,” Carah warned from her post at the entryway, but I ignored her.

Harry’s eyes flashed with anger, just one quick slash of it, before he turned around and ran his hands through his hair. He was still close enough that I could smell the salt lingering on his skin. “Do you want to know why I want to help you?” He said suddenly, facing me and coming incredibly close.

“Why?” I breathed.

“When I first met you, Carly, you were sitting by yourself listening to music, completely disconnected from anything and everything. Niall said hello you five times before you even registered that someone had been in the room! You smiled and said hi, but you looked so sad, so fucking sad, like there wasn’t a hope left in the world for you. Then you disappeared and Carah was so worried that she even contemplated the fact that you might have committed suicide. Do you know what that’s like? Wondering if your best friend might kill themself at any moment?” He paused to take a breath, and it was completely silent. Even I wasn’t breathing. “That’s why we visited you so often, and why Carah brought you around a ton. We hoped you’d start to want to get better, if you felt like you had enough people around who cared. So don’t you fucking dare push us, push me, away like this, Carly. We aren’t the type of people who stick around for a little bit and then go away. When we make a decision, we stick with it.”

Our faces were inches apart, and his words cut through my casing, piercing my chest. Tears pricked my eyes. I was doing it again, I was ruining everything.

Once Harry seemed to come down from his adrenaline high, he realized how close we were. I saw his eyes dart down to my lips, and then back up to my eyes. Confliction passed over his face for a brief moment.

“Please don’t push us away,” He whispered.

I swallowed down the lump that had formed in my throat, feeling as if I were going to choke on a ball of emotions that threatened to destroy me from the inside out.

“Okay,” I whispered back, my voice cracking.

Barely, just barely, Harry smiled.