Perfect Act
If I Lose You Tonight
Hey, can u please reading the authors notes at the end? Thanks xoxo
Harry's PoV
"No please you can't do this, please I need her and she needs me, you can't take her away from me." I didn't care that I looked pathetic, I couldn't let them take Bella away from me.
"Harry would you just listen for one goddamn second." Simon suddenly shouted. "We are not taking her away from you. She's not going to get any better if we keep her here. Look just hear out the psychiatrists. For Bella." I closed my eyes and nodded, waiting for one of them to speak.
"We know this is extremely difficult for you, but you need to think about what will be most beneficial for Bella. With what we are suggesting, having her admitted to a psychiatric ward of a hospital, you are welcome to visit as often as you want, maybe even stay there with her, so long as the psychiatrist assigned to her allows it which, judging by your relationship, you will absolutely be able to stay with Bella. She would see a psychiatrist daily, for as long as seems fit for her. It's most likely she will be prescribed some forms of medication. She will be closely monitored and she will be in a comfortable place provided with everything she needs. Harry she will be in good hands and you would be welcome to see her as often as you and her want, especially during the earlier stages when she will be on suicide watch." My head snapped up at that last sentence and I forgot everything else I had just been told.
"Suicide watch? Bella's not suicidal. She has an eating disorder. She's depressed or something but she's not suicidal." I told them. Bella isn't suicidal. She wouldn't try to kill herself. No, she wouldn't.
"Harry, had you not found Bella when you did, she would have bled out. Whether it was a subconscious decision or not, Bella almost killed herself. Once admitted to a hospital, she would be on suicide watch for a period of time." Bella almost killed herself. No. No she wouldn't do that. I know she didn't mean to. She wouldn't try to kill herself, I know that much.
"She didn't try to kill herself." I whispered.
"Whether she did or didn't make an attempt on her life, a decision needs to be made about where we go from here." I wish they would stop talking in such a proper way. Like every word they were saying would go on a report.
"We don't have to decide today do we? I mean she can stay here for tonight." I became panicked as no-one responded. "No please let her stay one more night please we were going to figure out everything tomorrow. Please." I begged. The fucking psychiatrist people shook their heads slightly at each other, like they could silently communicate through their nerd glasses or something.
"Someone answer me!" I shouted. Simon looked like he was about to respond but his gaze landed behind me, as did everyone else's. I turned around slowly. Standing near the doorway was Liam and Bella, his arm securely around her. Seeing them together sent a pang of jealously through me, but I refused to focus on my own selfish feelings right now.
"Bella." I breathed. I quickly walked over to her and gently made her sit down, sending Niall to get her some water. She drank it with shaky hands. I didn't really know what to say so I sort of just stayed crouched down in front of her while she looked at her hands and bit her lip. She shook her head slightly before speaking, so quiet I could only just hear her.
"I don't know what happened. I-I just...I'm sorry...." She looked up at me, her eyes swimming with tears.
"What did I tell you about saying sorry? Bella you're sick. We're gonna help you okay." She nodded stiffly.
"But I'm still so-" I cut her off.
"No. You are not saying sorry to me, okay?" She nodded again.
"So where do we go from here?" She asked with a shaky voice.
"Well, we're trying to figure that out." I sat up on the couch next to her and wrapped my arm around her, bringing her close to me.
"I think...." Everyone leaned in slightly as Bella spoke just a fraction louder. "I think you should put me in a psychiatric ward of a hospital." She refused to make eye contact with anyone. A psychiatric ward. That meant suicidal watch. That meant her not being at home. If she stays home with you, she won't get any better. Shut up rational voice in my head.
"Bella, hi I'm Dr. Roland, I'm a psychiatrist." The male one stepped forward and spoke like Bella was three. "There are some excellent places, some very close to your lovely home here. With a few calls we can get you in. We feel it's best for you to be admitted today. Does that sound okay?" He smiled softly but Bella cringed a little at the way he was speaking to her.
"Yeah." She replied and he nodded and turned around. "Anything sounds okay as long as he won't be there." She muttered under her breath, bringing a small smile to my face.
"Are you sure Bella?" I don't want her to go anywhere she doesn't want to go.
"Harry I'm literally going crazy. I can't stay here or I'm gonna lose my mind." I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on hers.
"I love you Bella. You know that right? You know I love you more then life itself?" I swallowed back tears. I don't get to be crying right now, it's Bella who's sick, not me.
"I know." She brushed her lips against mine. "I love you too. So much."
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Third person
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An hour after that, Bella and Harry, along with Simon, were getting into a car and were on there way to a hospital. Bella didn't exactly like the idea of leaving home, but she wanted to get better. She knew she was sick and, for Harry, she wanted to be better. Harry was clutching Bella's hand as if his life depended on it. In a way, it did. He loved her, maybe too much for his own good, and if she were to leave him he would be truly lost.
The rest of the day was spent getting Bella settled in to her room. They had strict policies of what she was and wasn't allowed, but she was allowed to wear her own clothes. Bella had suspected that she would be under suicidal watch after what had happened, but so far she hadn't even noticed as Harry was with her the whole time, yet there was always a nurse lingering near her room to make sure she was never alone. She was hooked up to a few machines to monitor her heart rate some other aspects of her health. Harry didn't know why at first so it had to be explained to him how her body had weakened through her illness and they just wanted to keep an eye on things to make sure all was okay.
**The next day**
Bella's PoV
"Hi Bella." One of the nurses walked in with a smile so big it looked painful.
"Hi." I replied politely.
"So it's time now for you to meet your psychiatrist, Dr Torres. She's lovely so I'm sure you'll like her. I'm going to walk you up, does that sound okay?" I hate how they speak to me. Like I'm a three year old or something.
"Yup." Harry squeezed my hand reassuringly and watched as I got off the bed. All the things monitoring my heart rate and such were wireless so I took one last look at Harry before leaving the room.
///
Dr. Torres was lovely, and she talked to me like a normal person. We mainly talked about my past for a bit, I knew why. She wanted to find the 'triggers' of what brought on everything. It wasn't until about 45 minutes had passed that she brought up something more recent.
"So do wanna talk about yesterday?" It was a rhetorical question so I just shrugged. "Bella you're aware that you are under suicide watch, correct?" She spoke softly.
"Yeah I know." I started fiddling with my fingers again and she made a quick note on her papers.
"Can you tell me Bella, were you trying to kill yourself yesterday?" There was no judgment in her voice, but a part of sort of wished there was, so she wasn't talking about suicide as if it was such an easy thing to discuss.
"No." I shook my head. "No I'm smarter then that." I started to think out loud. "If I wanted to kill myself I would have made deeper cuts, much deeper so the vein would split in a lot of places. Probably would have swallowed a whole heap of pills first and drunk something really strong, to weaken my body. Cutting my arm and just hoping no one would find me would be too risky if I wanted to be dead. Not to mention I would have at least locked the door." I rambled. I gasped and my eyes widened as I realised what I had just said. I had practically planned out how I would kill myself.
"Seems like you know what you would do if you were to make an attempt on your life. Does suicide cross your mind often, as a serious option for you?" She asked. I bit my lip and shrugged. A few minutes at minimum passed before I finally said something, my voice just above a whisper.
"I don't think that I was ever trying to kill myself, but I knew that if I went too far I wouldn't care."
Harry's PoV
After an hour and a half Bella came back to the room and I held my arms out and waited for her to climb back onto the bed next to me. She smiled and walked over to me, sitting down next to me and letting me wrap my arms around her. I could sense a range of emotions from her. Relief, exhaustion and many others, yet for the first time if what felt like forever she seemed more relaxed.
"How was it?" I asked her quietly. We hadn't spoken about any of it all since we'd been here. We'd just been watching movies and talking about random things.
"Umm yeah good I guess. I'm a little tired now though." She admitted. I used the remote and angled the bed back a bit so it was on a 45 degrees angle.
"Rest your eyes for a bit." I pulled the blanket over us and she smiled shyly at me.
"Thankyou." She closed her eyes and I shuffled a little closer to her, my arms wrapped protectively around her body as she rested. One day. She's been here for one day and already I can see a difference. That's good, right? There's still a little nagging voice at the back of my head, pestering me with questions. I don't need the answers though. All that matters is that she gets better. When did it all start? All that matters is that she gets better. Was she trying to kill herself? All that matters is that she gets better. Why wasn't I enough? All that matters is that she gets better. Will she ever get better? All that matters is that she gets better. Why did she do this to herself? All that matters is that she gets better.
///
"Names are weird." I moved my gaze from the tv to Bella after her weird statement.
"Umm.....what?" I chuckled.
"They are weird. It's just like.....a sound. When you name someone it's just like saying 'okay, this sound labels you.' I don't get it, it's weird. Names are weird." I looked at her for a few seconds, silent, then I burst out laughing. I don't know exactly why I found it that funny but I was clutching my stomach and was laughing to the point that I had tears in my eyes.
"You're mean." Bella scrunched her face up playfully.
"And you're weird." I shot back, smiling.
"Then it's too bad you're stuck with me." She shrugged and elbowed me lightly.
"Yeah. Such a shame." I sighed dramatically and fluttered my eyelashes in a very girly way.
"You're an idiot Harry." She rolled her eyes, a smile present on her perfect lips.
"Yeah but I'm your idiot." Her eyes softened and her cheeks became pink. I leaned in and gently pressed my lips to hers.
"I love you Harry." She whispered, her eyes closed and our foreheads leaning against each other.
"I love you Bella, to every star and back."
//
I turned my head to the door after hearing a faint knock and saw a nurse with a tray, holding two plates of food. The food was very healthy and there was a small-average serving size on each. Me? I would usually eat about 3 times as much but I knew if I wanted to be in the room with Bella as she ate it needed to seem more regular or something...I don't know really.
"Bella." I nudged her and she tore her eyes away from the tv.
"Yeah?" I tilted my head towards the door where the nurse was standing.
"Does she ever stop smiling." Bella mumbled, trying to keep the mood light, but I could tell she was becoming nervous. When she started pulling at her fingers I pressed my lips to her head and wrapped one arm around her.
"Hi Bella, how has your day been." She asked, smiling in a very fake trying to be convincing way.
"It's been fine." Bella shifted awkwardly. She'd been really polite to the other nurses but this one was getting on both of our nerves.
"That's lovely." The nurse replied. Whatever she gets payed, it's too much. She gently swung around the mini table over the bed and placed the tray on it before leaving, but as soon as she left, two other nurses waited sort of nearby the door, discreetly watching as if they were waiting for something to happen.
My right arm was still around Bella, so with my left hand I picked up a fork and started eating off the plate in front of me, the food was actually delicious, but really light. Bella leaned forward and took the other fork, getting some food and putting it in her mouth. I tried not to watch her too closely and pretended not to notice how her hand was shaking.
"Ya know he's pretty dumb." I spoke, referring to the show we were watching, attempting to focus Bella's attention on something other then the fact that we were eating.
"Nah he's sweet." She defended the guy.
"God you're thinking like such a girl." I scoffed.
"Am not!" She gaped.
"Oh you so are." I rolled my eyes. "What he did wasn't sweet. It was dumb. There was absolutely no chance she would take him back and all he did was make a fool of himself and hurt her even more. He isn't sweet, he's dumb." I argued. Bella scoffed, trying to think of a good rebuttal.
"Why are we even watching this anyway." I pointed at the tv which now showed some sappy scene of both of them sitting by their windows while it rains and they are thinking about each other blah blah blah.
"Because we were both too lazy to move and get the remote." She laughed.
"Oh lovely, so the fact that neither of us would get off our arses meant that I got stuck watching that movie. Wonderful." I sighed dramatically.
"No one was stopping you from getting the remote so stop complaining." She lightly scolded me. We continued on like this for a while and I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't even notice both of us finishing our meals. For once I felt like I had my Bella back, the one who would joke around with me and didn't analyse her every move. It wasn't until we leaned back on the bed and started to watch some more tv that Bella started showing some anxious traits. She pulled at and played with her fingers and tapped her foot anxiously. The nurses in the hallway were watching her with sad and....knowing looks?
Bella bit her lip harshly and looked around the room quickly. I was too nervous to say anything. She swallowed and closed her eyes before shaking her head.
"Fuck." She swore and practically jumped off the bed, running into the bathroom. I immediately heard her coughing and throwing up. One of the nurses ran in to Bella and closed the door quickly. I, having scrambled off the bed in a panicked manner, was about to burst into the bathroom when a short, middle aged nurse stepped in front of me.
"Mr Styles I'm going to have to ask that you wait here." Her voice was soft but stern.
"What? No. What's going on you have to let me go in there." I promised Bella I would always be there.
"Harry if you would sit down I will explain what's going on." She smiled warmly, her eyes sympathetic. Reluctantly, I sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Tell me what's happening or I will go in there right now." I threatened.
"Harry her body and mind has become used to a routine. You know when kids eat so much they throw up. It's like there is a limit that their body can take of food." I nodded and she continued. "Well with Bella, it's like that but how much food her body thinks it can take in is a very small amount. She -her body- became used to Bella inducing vomiting after consuming a certain amount of food, which in most cases wasn't very much. So now, when she ate more then she would without vomiting, her body automatically felt the need to throw it up. That was out of Bella's control. It takes different amounts of time for people's body's to adjust but with many girl's this, throwing up involuntarily, only happens once or twice. I'll tell you now, she will feel sick after eating and that might last for a while, but over time and with therapy her body's level of what it thinks is an acceptable amount of food with become larger and she will stop feeling sick after eating. All you can do is be supportive and be there for her, okay?" I closed my eyes and nodded. Everything she said made sense, that didn't mean I liked it.
///
I waited for about half an hour while Bella and that nurse were still in the bathroom. Then, she finally came out. The nurse walked out first and Bella followed closely behind, her head down and her eyes slightly red. The nurse gave me a smile smile before leaving the room. Bella walked slowly back to the bed and I reached out and held her hand, gently pulling her down next to me. I wrapped my arms around her, something I seem to do very often, and for a minute just enjoyed the feeling of having her close to me, in my arms.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked softly. She shook her head gently and spoke quietly.
"No, not today." She shifted a little closer to me and I pulled her even closer.
"Okay. I love you." If she doesn't want to talk about it to me then that's okay. Maybe one day she will be ready to talk about this all with me, but that likely won't be any time soon. As long as it's what she wants, then I'm okay with that. She might never feel comfortable discussing it with me, but that's okay because my only interest is that she gets better and is happy.
"I love you too Harry. Thank you."
*4 days later**
Bellas PoV
I laid in the bed with Harry like I had every morning since I got here. I wasn't sick of it though. Just being here in his arms makes everything seem okay. I feel safe in his arms and I love that. I've only been here a few days....well I guess it depends on who's saying that. A couple, a few, several. It's always confused me. A couple should just mean two, but some think it means three. A few means three, but does it mean four and five as well? Several, now I assumed that just means a number near seven. I'm not sure.
It's things like that I've been thinking about a lot. Just little things that don't really matter but seem to fascinate me. I think it's good that I think about random things like that though. It means less obsessing over how much food I have eaten. Less thinking about how much I miss the feeling of a blade slicing through my skin. Less wondering what the point of my existence even is. Harry has never left my side. He has been here every second of the days I have, not even going home when I have my sessions with Dr. Torres. She's lovely. I'm not saying I've had some miraculous recovery, I'm taking meds and I've still been getting very anxious, feeling awful after I eat and having dangerous thoughts, but I can feel that I have made at least a little progress in the short amount of time I have been here.
I know I have Harry to thank. He's the reason I accepted I had a problem. He's the reason I told the others to admit me to this place. He's the reason I want to get better. I love him so much and I think I might finally be able to accept the fact that he loves me too. I don't know why but I've never really been able to accept the fact that I might mean a lot to someone else. It felt selfish and cocky for me to say I am important to him and that he loves me. It still doesn't feel right saying it but maybe one day I will be able to say it without feely guilty or weird.
"Morning." Harry's voice snapped me out of my train of thought that was leading who knows where.
"Hey." I replied, speechless at how perfect he can look after waking up only seconds ago.
"I know we just woke up and all, but last night the nurses told me that you're allowed to have some visitors today and all the others want to see you so....." He trailed off awkwardly.
"I'd love to see the others." I smiled at him and his face lit up.
"Okay, I'll let them know once we can get ourselves out of this weirdly comfortable bed, so they should know in about 2-3 business days." He joked, earning a laugh from me. There was a knock on the door before Karen, the nice middle aged nurse walked in.
"Morning, I see you two are already up. Bella sorry about more needles but we're going to run your blood-work again to keep an eye on things." I groaned and she gave me a small smile.
"But I'm so comfortable." I whined.
"That's just coz I'm here." Harry smirked cockily and I rolled my eyes.
"Actually now is a perfect time for you to take some blood." I sat up and scooted as far away from Harry as the bed would let me go. He pouted and flailed his hand around like an idiot in the now empty space.
"You're mean." He huffed.
"And you're cocky." He didn't respond, instead took my hand and kissed it softly.
"Too bad your madly in love with me then." He stated rather dramatically. Before I could think up a sarcastic comment he spoke again. "Although I can't talk since I'm even more crazy about you." A part of me found his comments just so ridiculously cheesy, but that was a very very small part. The rest of me just found them adorable and loved them.
"Ya know sometimes I wonder how I managed to fall in love with someone with so many cheesy lines stored away in that brain of yours." I winked at him. He laughed and scooted closer to me, his eyes becoming less joking.
"I think I fell in love with you when we were arguing about stars, I mean I'd been falling for you since long before that, but I think that was the moment I really fell in love with you." My insides melted and my cheeks heated up.
"As much as I hate to break up this little love scene, I have to take you're blood now Bella." Karen smiled and I held out my right arm, rolling up the sleeve. She wrapped that blue strap around my arm and found a vein, then wiped my arm with a cool liquid before pushing the needle into my arm. I bit my lip as the tube started to fill up with my blood.
I harshly scolded myself for enjoying the small amount of pain the needle gave me and hated myself for feeling upset once she removed the needle and put the tube into a bag. She stuck a cotton ball to my arm with some tape before smiling and leaving.
Harry's PoV
I hated when they came to take blood. I had seen enough blood the day Bella got admitted here. There was so much blood, everywhere. Bella's blood. Bella's pain. Mainly though, I hated what it did to Bella when they took blood. I could see it in her eyes, in her face, in her body. The pain that comes from having blood drawn, it's the closest she can get to.....to cutting. I know she beats herself up for the fact that she feels relief from the pain. She thinks I don't notice, but of course I do. As soon as the nurse left I held her hand and pulled her into my arms.
"You wanna watch some Greys Anatomy?" I asked, hoping that the mention of her favourite show would would take her mind off what she was thinking about. Her eyebrows lifted and her mouth turned into a smirk, the self hate fading from her eyes.
"You just know me so well don't you?"
"I try." She swatted my arm and leaned over to grab the remote before turning on the tv.
///
From Zayn: we r here
"Bella the others are here." She looked up from her book and nodded.
"Okay. I'll just..wait here I guess." Bella shrugged and bit her lip.
"I'll be back in a minute." I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before leaving the room. The second I left a nurse walked in and started talking to Bella. She seemed to be doing a lot better to me, but she was still on suicidal watch. Obviously her therapist still thinks she's at risk for taking her life and that scared me so badly. If some person who devotes her life to knowing what's mentally wrong with people and trying to fix it thinks that Bella is suicidal, then I want to know why. Why does she think Bella will try to kill herself. Why?
Zayns PoV
"Don't act like she's made of glass, she hates that. Don't look at her arm, or look at how thin she it, it will make her self conscious. Don't do anything to make it awkward, that would just be dumb...." Harry went on lecturing us on what we could and couldn't do when we saw Bella. He was so stressed out and it was painful to watch.
"Harry calm down it'll be fine-"
"No." He snapped, stopping Liam from talking. "Nothing about this is fine, nothing at all and I swear to god if any of you do anything to make it worse-"
"Harry." I cut him off. "Take a breath. We won't do anything to make it worse, okay? Are you still going to let us all see her individually?" I asked nervously. Bella's therapist had said it was okay but honestly if Harry said no then there was no chance in hell we would get to see her.
"Only if she's okay with it." He ran his fingers through his hair anxiously. I had spent the past days worrying about Bella. She can't be getting worse -I hope- but I couldn't even comprehend how hard this must be for her. It gutted me knowing that she was going through something so horrible.
"Okay." Niall patted Harry on the back and picked up his guitar and we were about to walk to her room when we heard a voice I thought I'd never be lucky enough to hear again.
"Harry?" We all turned around to see Perrie and my knees became week. "Dani called me. I'm here, we're doing some concerts and she called me and she told me about Bella and she said you were all going to see her today and I just was hoping that....I should have called you first I shouldn't have just shown up here I'm sorry I-"
"Perrie, it's okay. I know Bella would love to see you." Harry stopped Perrie from her rambling and smiled at her reassuringly. I just stood there, completely and utterly shocked. Perrie, my Perrie, was standing here, just a few meters away. She slowly walked to Dani, El and Eliza and they hugged, exchanging greetings. She had walked right past me. She didn't even look at me.
"Umm I don't think we should all go in at once it might be too much for her. I was hoping maybe we can do the thing and then we can all see her in groups or something I don't know." He furrowed his eyebrows nervously.
"You guys should do your thing then we'll figure it out from there, okay?" Luke offered Harry a reassuring smile. Luke looked like he hadn't slept for days. He had been through this before with Bella and I don't know if this time would be easier or harder. All 11 of us squished into the elevator and, of course, I ended up next to Perrie. I risked looking at her and she noticed my gaze, slowly lifting her head to look at me. The corners of her mouth tugged into a small smile that made my insides melt. I smiled back, trying to somehow put all my emotions into that smile; regret, pain, love. The doors slid open and Liam, Niall, Louis and I followed Harry to Bella's room.
When we walked in she didn't notice at first. A nurse was sitting on the chair next to her bed while Bella read a book that I'm pretty sure I've seen her read numerous times before. It was only when Harry went over to her that she looked up and saw us.
"Hey." Her voice was quiet and nervous.
"Hey Bella." I smiled at her and just a fraction of her nervousness seemed to disappear.
"What's with the guitar?" She asked curiously.
"Um well we've written another song we want to put on the album, we were wondering if you would take a listen and let us know if it's any good." Niall replied casually, smiling. Harry was watching ours and Bella's every move, waiting for something to go wrong. I wonder how much sleep he has gotten. Most of the time he's with Bella I assume he spends awake, even when she's asleep he probably just stays up worrying.
When she goes to her therapy he has been FaceTimeing with us to write the song, so I know he must be sleep deprived.
"Yeah I'd love to listen. Let's here it." She crossed her legs comfortably and we all stood around the room, Niall and Liam holding their guitars. Even as we stood there, about to sing, Bella could tell something was up. I could see it in her eyes, as she watched the way Harry stood nervously. Those two were made for each other. The sound of soft guitars filled the room and Bella smiled, relaxed, at the tune. Her head turned to me as I started singing the lyrics Harry had written.
Your hand fits in mine
Like it's made just for me
But bear this in mind
It was meant to be
And I'm joining up the dots
With the freckles on your cheeks
And it all makes sense to me
She but her lip and played with her fingers, knowing that this was not just some song. She closed her eyes briefly until Liam started singing.
I know you've never loved
The crinkles by your eyes when you smile
You've never loved
Your stomach or your thighs
The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine
Her eyes became glossy as she recognised some lyrics. Harry had told us about when they fought. He didn't go into details, that was 'none of our goddamn business' but he had said how she told him all these things he knew, little things that made up her that only he noticed.
But I'll love them endlessly
I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if I do, it's you,
Oh it's you,
They add up to
I'm in love with you,
And all these little things
She looked over to Harry but he was staring at the floor, biting his lip and seemingly very focused on anything but Bella. She turned her attention to Louis as he started to sing.
You can't go to bed,
Without a cup of tea,
And maybe that's the reason
That you talk, in your sleep
And all those conversations
Are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me
Bella smiled at the lyrics and as a reaction, I smiled too. It had been so long since I had seen her smile a smile that wasn't forced. Her breath hitched as Harry sung and she blinked a lot in attempt to not cry.
I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape
You never want to know how much you weigh
Everyone has to squeeze into their jeans
And you're perfect to me
He shook his head sadly, no doubt thinking about all that has happened.
I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if it's true,
It's you,
It's you,
They add up to
I'm in love with you,
And all these little things
Bella covered her mouth with her hand as a tear slipped from her eye, her gaze held firmly on Harry as Niall sung.
You'll never love yourself
Half as much as I love you
You'll never treat yourself right, darlin'
But I want you to,
If I let you know, I'm here for you,
Maybe you'll love yourself,
Like I love you
Oh
Finally, Harry looked up. He looked Bella right in the eyes, his bloodshot and hers spilling tears.
And I've just let these little things
Slip, out of my mouth,
'Cause it's you, oh it's you,
It's you,
They add up to
And I'm in love with you,
And all these little things,
By now Bella was silently sobbing into her hand, tears streaming down her face as her and Harry looked at each other, their eyes sending messages meant for only them. He sat down on the bed and took her free hand while we all sung the last chorus.
I won't let these little things
Slip, out of my mouth,
But if it's true,
It's you, it's you,
They add up to,
I'm in love with you,
And all your little things
The last guitar strum faded out and the room went practically silent. Harry effortlessly lifted Bella onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her in a protective way. He spoke quietly to her, and while I couldn't here what he said, I did hear him telling her he loved her. After a few minutes Bella leaned away from Harry and wiped under her eyes.
"Thank you." She breathed, looking at each of us.
"We love you Bella." I told her softly. She bit her lip and looked down. I hated the fact that she wasn't able to take a compliment, but maybe, hopefully she will be able to someday.
Bellas PoV
The song? It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. I honestly couldn't even describe how it made me feel. After the song everybody left and started coming in one by one. Zayn was first.
"Hey, how are you feeling." He asked. Sitting down next to me.
"I've been better, but I'm okay." I replied honestly. He smiled sympathetically. Then I noticed something else in his eyes, something distracting him.
"What's up with you." I asked curiously, leaning in.
"What? Nothing." He answered, way too quickly.
"Zaynnnn please you gotta tell me." I gave him my best puppy dog face and he gave in practically immediately.
"Perrie's here." He muttered. Perrie?
"Are you serious. Have you spoken to her." He shook his head. "You should."
"Why?" He scoffed. "It's not like she wants to speak to me." I sighed and rolled my eyes.
"Of course she does Zayn." He's really not that smart if he thinks Perrie won't want to talk to him.
"Why? She broke up with me-" I cut him off by groaning.
"That doesn't mean she doesn't still love you. Look, I reckon if you talk to her you'll be able to get her back." I told him, and I believed that. We talked for a while before Niall came in saying he had been too long. I spoke with Niall for a while and then Liam. Then, Louis came in. He sat down on the chair next to the bed and didn't say anything. He just stared, at nothing. I couldn't read the expression on his face.
"Louis?" He slowly looked up at me, his eyes dull. A minute of silence passed before he said something.
"I don't understand." His words were simple, yet they said everything written on the face of him and all the others.
"I know." I sighed.
"No I don't think you do." He shook his head. "You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I mean you're beautiful, smart, funny and everything else. I don't get why you did this to yourself." Something about his tone pissed me off.
"It's not exactly like I chose to do this to myself, I didn't just wake up one day and go 'oh hey you know what I think I'm gonna give my self an eating disorder, and maybe throw in a little depression and anxiety too'." I spat at him.
"You know I didn't mean it like that Bella." He groaned, clearly frustrated.
"Then how did you mean it?" He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head.
"I mean I don't get why you hurt yourself, starved yourself, made yourself throw up and constantly battle yourself. You're beautiful and you have thousands of girls from all over the world telling you it every day. Not to mention Harry, he loves you so fucking much and I don't get why that isn't enough for you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, trust me, I just want to understand." He looked at me with pleading eyes.
"Do you think that if I understood everything, I would be here." I flicked away an unwanted tear. Fuck why am I crying all the time? Louis didn't respond, he sat there for a minute before standing up and sitting down next to me, putting an arm around me, slowly lying down and bringing me with him. I sighed and rested my head on his chest.
"I'm sorry Bella, I just want you to get better." He kissed the top of my head and I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak without crying. "We love you Bella, remember that."
Eliza's PoV
"How has she been?" I asked Harry quietly while Luke and Jamie spoke to Bella.
"I don't know. Sometimes I see the Bella she used to be, but then one thing happens and she becomes closed off again. I just want her to get better and I'm trying to figure out the best way to help her." He closed his eyes and sighed. I hadn't seen Bella yet and I was itching to just talk to her. I should have seen this all coming but I let her convince me she was fine.
"I can't believe that I didn't see it." I mumbled, too quiet for Harry to hear. Eventually, Luke and Jamie came out, so us girls stood up and walked to Bella's room. As we walked in a nurse walked out and Bella stood up. We all gave her long hugs before sitting down on the bed.
"I've missed you so much." Perrie smiled at Bella.
"I've missed you too Perrie." Bella smiled warmly.
"So how have you been." Dani asked, a little nervous.
"Um. I've been okay." I frowned as Bella started to pull at her fingers. We talked a bit before Bella brought up Zayn.
"Perrie have you spoken to Zayn yet?" Perrie looked down and shook her head.
"I don't think he'd want to talk to me." She whispered.
"Are you kidding? Of course he does, he loves you." Bella told her kindly.
"No. I broke up with him he doesn't love me, he probably hates me." She sighed.
"You owe it to yourself to at least talk to him, promise?" Bella held out her pinky like we used to when we were little. Perrie laughed and linked their fingers.
"Promise."
///
"Bye." Bella waved at the other girls as they walked out, then the room went silent with just me and her. After a few minutes I decided to break the silence.
"Why didn't you talk to me? You know I could have helped, or gotten you some help. Why didn't you talk to me Bella?" I bit my lip, refusing to let myself become teary.
"Same reason I didn't talk to you last time this happened. I didn't really think there was anything to tell. I thought I could just lose a bit of weight then stop.....it just got so bad." She shook her head and looked down.
"Come 'ere." I held out my arms and she hugged me tightly.
"Promise me you won't leave here until you think you're ready. Promise me you won't lie, to yourself, to your therapist, to Harry. To me." I hated to think of what happened last time. How she faked being better so well that we believed her and didn't notice her slipping away.
"I promise Eliza." We laid down for a while, silently. Then she looked up at me and squinted her eyes.
"What are you thinking about? There's something else on your mind." My jaw dropped.
"How is it you know me this well, seriously." I whined.
"I've known you for ages I know when you're minds on something. What is it. Please I need some gossip."
She tugged at my arm and pouted.
"Ugh fine. It's that Dean guy. He's getting clingy." I groaned.
"Dean.....which one's he? Is he the blonde with cute glasses or the brunette with abs?" She asked.
"Brunette."
"And how long have you guys been screwing?"
"Almost a month." Bella cringed and saw my problem.
"What happened to your 2 week policy?Wasn't the whole point to keep guys from getting the wrong idea." I nodded at her.
"Yeah but he's just sooo good in bed I mean seriously!" Bella laughed at me sympathetically.
"Aww babe if you're gonna stick with your no dating thing, which by the way I still think is dumb, then you can't fuck a guy for that long." I let out an annoyed noise and flopped backwards onto the pillows.
"I know-" I was about to keep talking but my phone rang. Dean, lovely. Bella snatched the phone and answered, putting a finger to her lips, telling me to be quiet.
"Hello." She answered in an annoying nasally voice.
"Um..I'm Eliza's girlfriend. Who that fuck are you." She snapped, keeping up the really horrible girly voice.
"I don't know who you think you are, but you need to stay away from my girlfriend or so help me I will find you and cut of your balls with blunt scissors." She hung up quickly and we burst out in laughter.
"I can always count on you to be my lesbian lover to get rid of clingy idiots." I smiled. We talked for about half an hour before a nurse came in saying that I should probably go since we had all been here for a long time.
"Call me if you need anything at all, okay? I love you Bella." I gave her one final hug before leaving her room. I took the elevator down and found that I was a lot less worried about Bella now, I could easily see that she was far from being better, but with therapy and Harry I know she will be okay eventually.
Harry's PoV
"Just remember she's seen a lot of people today so she's going to be a little worn out, whether she appears it or not." I nodded impatiently at the nurse and finally she let me go back to Bella's room. I'd already eaten dinner and I knew Bella had too which sorta pissed me off because I want to be there for support and everything.....
"Hey." I smiled. She shuffled over and I sat down next to her, putting my arm around her and sighing with relief when she leant her head on my chest. I spent all day worrying. Worrying that someone would say something wrong. Worrying that I would come back and something terrible would have happened. I looked up to the tv and almost rolled my eyes when I saw what was on. Greys Anatomy, what else?Honestly the shows not that bad, but I still don't get what's so great about it. I was only half watching until it got to the end, the bit where a character does the voice over thing. As I listened to the character......Katy?Christiana? Cristina? I don't know, I bit my lip and looked worriedly at Bella.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that it only takes one person, one patient, one moment to change your life forever, to change your perspective, colour your thinking. To force you to re-evaluate every thing you think you know. To make you ask yourself the toughest questions: Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way?
Bella eyebrows furrowed and she started pulling at her fingers while tapping her foot. The screen went black and the credits started rolling, but the message was playing, over and over in my head.
"Bella?" Worry started to take over my body. She was overanalysing that voice over bit and putting it to her own life, freaking herself out. "Bella please tell me what your thinking." I begged quietly. She looked up at her, her eyes not completely focused.
"It's nothing." She tried to reassure me. She tugged nervously at the sleeve of her top and I placed my hands over hers.
"Bella please. Don't keep things inside they'll just build up and need up hurting you more. Please just tell me what you're thinking." Pain crossed her features and she bit her lip, letting some hair fall onto her face.
"It's just...um..." She stumbled over her words. "I don't know...just usually when I felt like this I....um...I don't know." She shook her head, not finishing the sentence, but I knew what she meant. Usually if she felt like this she would harm herself. The thought made my insides burn. I took a deep breath before gently taking her arm, lifting up the sleeve to reveal the countless scars. She looked up at me, scared.
"Every time you go to cut yourself, I want you to take my arm and cut me as many times as you would yourself." I told her, completely serious.
"What? No that's ridiculous, I could never hurt you like....." She trailed off and realisation crossed her face, in that moment, I knew she understood, she finally started to understand. Immediately her eyes became glossy and she looked down. I placed my hand gently on her leg.
"I'm....I didn't....I....I don't...." She trying to form a sentence and I could see how overwhelmed she was becoming.
"Hey hey calm down, come here." Facing her, I wrapped my arms around her, hers around my neck.
"I'm sorry Harry I'm so sorry I just...I don't know I'm so confused." I held her tighter and buried my head in the crook of her neck.
"Please stop saying sorry Bella I mean it please stop saying sorry just stop being sorry please." I begged. Bella moved her head and looked at me. She brought her hand up to my cheek gently and wiped away the tears I hadn't realised had fallen.
"I don't want to lose you. I'm so scared that you're just going to slip away from me again. You....you were almost gone. There was so much blood and I thought I was going to lose you. I can't live without you Bella. You are everything to me and I am terrified that I'm going to lose you." I admitted quietly, swallowing the lump in my throat and looking into Bella's eyes.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you Harry I love you too much." She turned her head and let more hair fall on her face, hiding it. I gently moved the hair behind her ear. I don't want her to hide her beautiful face. Not now, not ever. Maybe with a wedding veil one day but other then that I never want her to hide her face.
"Promise me." I know I sounded whiny and pathetic but I don't care. "Promise me I won't lose you." I rested my head against her forehead.
"I promise Harry. I promise." I cupped her face with my hands and nodded slightly.
"Good. Good, because you and I, were going to make it through this all. I'm gonna be here every second of the way and I'm going to do everything I can to make you see how beautiful you are. I love you and we're going to make it through this, okay?" I brushed my lips against hers lightly before pressing my mouth to hers. Our lips fit together perfectly, like they were made for each other. I pulled away and kissed the skin of her neck gently, holding her body against mine.
"Okay?" I need to hear her say it. I need to hear her tell me that we will get through this together. "Bella?"
I loosened my hold on her and my heart rate doubled when I realised her body was limp. "Bella!?"
A high pitched beep came from a machine, and the line monitoring her heart rate went dead straight.
Harry's PoV
"No please you can't do this, please I need her and she needs me, you can't take her away from me." I didn't care that I looked pathetic, I couldn't let them take Bella away from me.
"Harry would you just listen for one goddamn second." Simon suddenly shouted. "We are not taking her away from you. She's not going to get any better if we keep her here. Look just hear out the psychiatrists. For Bella." I closed my eyes and nodded, waiting for one of them to speak.
"We know this is extremely difficult for you, but you need to think about what will be most beneficial for Bella. With what we are suggesting, having her admitted to a psychiatric ward of a hospital, you are welcome to visit as often as you want, maybe even stay there with her, so long as the psychiatrist assigned to her allows it which, judging by your relationship, you will absolutely be able to stay with Bella. She would see a psychiatrist daily, for as long as seems fit for her. It's most likely she will be prescribed some forms of medication. She will be closely monitored and she will be in a comfortable place provided with everything she needs. Harry she will be in good hands and you would be welcome to see her as often as you and her want, especially during the earlier stages when she will be on suicide watch." My head snapped up at that last sentence and I forgot everything else I had just been told.
"Suicide watch? Bella's not suicidal. She has an eating disorder. She's depressed or something but she's not suicidal." I told them. Bella isn't suicidal. She wouldn't try to kill herself. No, she wouldn't.
"Harry, had you not found Bella when you did, she would have bled out. Whether it was a subconscious decision or not, Bella almost killed herself. Once admitted to a hospital, she would be on suicide watch for a period of time." Bella almost killed herself. No. No she wouldn't do that. I know she didn't mean to. She wouldn't try to kill herself, I know that much.
"She didn't try to kill herself." I whispered.
"Whether she did or didn't make an attempt on her life, a decision needs to be made about where we go from here." I wish they would stop talking in such a proper way. Like every word they were saying would go on a report.
"We don't have to decide today do we? I mean she can stay here for tonight." I became panicked as no-one responded. "No please let her stay one more night please we were going to figure out everything tomorrow. Please." I begged. The fucking psychiatrist people shook their heads slightly at each other, like they could silently communicate through their nerd glasses or something.
"Someone answer me!" I shouted. Simon looked like he was about to respond but his gaze landed behind me, as did everyone else's. I turned around slowly. Standing near the doorway was Liam and Bella, his arm securely around her. Seeing them together sent a pang of jealously through me, but I refused to focus on my own selfish feelings right now.
"Bella." I breathed. I quickly walked over to her and gently made her sit down, sending Niall to get her some water. She drank it with shaky hands. I didn't really know what to say so I sort of just stayed crouched down in front of her while she looked at her hands and bit her lip. She shook her head slightly before speaking, so quiet I could only just hear her.
"I don't know what happened. I-I just...I'm sorry...." She looked up at me, her eyes swimming with tears.
"What did I tell you about saying sorry? Bella you're sick. We're gonna help you okay." She nodded stiffly.
"But I'm still so-" I cut her off.
"No. You are not saying sorry to me, okay?" She nodded again.
"So where do we go from here?" She asked with a shaky voice.
"Well, we're trying to figure that out." I sat up on the couch next to her and wrapped my arm around her, bringing her close to me.
"I think...." Everyone leaned in slightly as Bella spoke just a fraction louder. "I think you should put me in a psychiatric ward of a hospital." She refused to make eye contact with anyone. A psychiatric ward. That meant suicidal watch. That meant her not being at home. If she stays home with you, she won't get any better. Shut up rational voice in my head.
"Bella, hi I'm Dr. Roland, I'm a psychiatrist." The male one stepped forward and spoke like Bella was three. "There are some excellent places, some very close to your lovely home here. With a few calls we can get you in. We feel it's best for you to be admitted today. Does that sound okay?" He smiled softly but Bella cringed a little at the way he was speaking to her.
"Yeah." She replied and he nodded and turned around. "Anything sounds okay as long as he won't be there." She muttered under her breath, bringing a small smile to my face.
"Are you sure Bella?" I don't want her to go anywhere she doesn't want to go.
"Harry I'm literally going crazy. I can't stay here or I'm gonna lose my mind." I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on hers.
"I love you Bella. You know that right? You know I love you more then life itself?" I swallowed back tears. I don't get to be crying right now, it's Bella who's sick, not me.
"I know." She brushed her lips against mine. "I love you too. So much."
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Third person
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An hour after that, Bella and Harry, along with Simon, were getting into a car and were on there way to a hospital. Bella didn't exactly like the idea of leaving home, but she wanted to get better. She knew she was sick and, for Harry, she wanted to be better. Harry was clutching Bella's hand as if his life depended on it. In a way, it did. He loved her, maybe too much for his own good, and if she were to leave him he would be truly lost.
The rest of the day was spent getting Bella settled in to her room. They had strict policies of what she was and wasn't allowed, but she was allowed to wear her own clothes. Bella had suspected that she would be under suicidal watch after what had happened, but so far she hadn't even noticed as Harry was with her the whole time, yet there was always a nurse lingering near her room to make sure she was never alone. She was hooked up to a few machines to monitor her heart rate some other aspects of her health. Harry didn't know why at first so it had to be explained to him how her body had weakened through her illness and they just wanted to keep an eye on things to make sure all was okay.
**The next day**
Bella's PoV
"Hi Bella." One of the nurses walked in with a smile so big it looked painful.
"Hi." I replied politely.
"So it's time now for you to meet your psychiatrist, Dr Torres. She's lovely so I'm sure you'll like her. I'm going to walk you up, does that sound okay?" I hate how they speak to me. Like I'm a three year old or something.
"Yup." Harry squeezed my hand reassuringly and watched as I got off the bed. All the things monitoring my heart rate and such were wireless so I took one last look at Harry before leaving the room.
///
Dr. Torres was lovely, and she talked to me like a normal person. We mainly talked about my past for a bit, I knew why. She wanted to find the 'triggers' of what brought on everything. It wasn't until about 45 minutes had passed that she brought up something more recent.
"So do wanna talk about yesterday?" It was a rhetorical question so I just shrugged. "Bella you're aware that you are under suicide watch, correct?" She spoke softly.
"Yeah I know." I started fiddling with my fingers again and she made a quick note on her papers.
"Can you tell me Bella, were you trying to kill yourself yesterday?" There was no judgment in her voice, but a part of sort of wished there was, so she wasn't talking about suicide as if it was such an easy thing to discuss.
"No." I shook my head. "No I'm smarter then that." I started to think out loud. "If I wanted to kill myself I would have made deeper cuts, much deeper so the vein would split in a lot of places. Probably would have swallowed a whole heap of pills first and drunk something really strong, to weaken my body. Cutting my arm and just hoping no one would find me would be too risky if I wanted to be dead. Not to mention I would have at least locked the door." I rambled. I gasped and my eyes widened as I realised what I had just said. I had practically planned out how I would kill myself.
"Seems like you know what you would do if you were to make an attempt on your life. Does suicide cross your mind often, as a serious option for you?" She asked. I bit my lip and shrugged. A few minutes at minimum passed before I finally said something, my voice just above a whisper.
"I don't think that I was ever trying to kill myself, but I knew that if I went too far I wouldn't care."
Harry's PoV
After an hour and a half Bella came back to the room and I held my arms out and waited for her to climb back onto the bed next to me. She smiled and walked over to me, sitting down next to me and letting me wrap my arms around her. I could sense a range of emotions from her. Relief, exhaustion and many others, yet for the first time if what felt like forever she seemed more relaxed.
"How was it?" I asked her quietly. We hadn't spoken about any of it all since we'd been here. We'd just been watching movies and talking about random things.
"Umm yeah good I guess. I'm a little tired now though." She admitted. I used the remote and angled the bed back a bit so it was on a 45 degrees angle.
"Rest your eyes for a bit." I pulled the blanket over us and she smiled shyly at me.
"Thankyou." She closed her eyes and I shuffled a little closer to her, my arms wrapped protectively around her body as she rested. One day. She's been here for one day and already I can see a difference. That's good, right? There's still a little nagging voice at the back of my head, pestering me with questions. I don't need the answers though. All that matters is that she gets better. When did it all start? All that matters is that she gets better. Was she trying to kill herself? All that matters is that she gets better. Why wasn't I enough? All that matters is that she gets better. Will she ever get better? All that matters is that she gets better. Why did she do this to herself? All that matters is that she gets better.
///
"Names are weird." I moved my gaze from the tv to Bella after her weird statement.
"Umm.....what?" I chuckled.
"They are weird. It's just like.....a sound. When you name someone it's just like saying 'okay, this sound labels you.' I don't get it, it's weird. Names are weird." I looked at her for a few seconds, silent, then I burst out laughing. I don't know exactly why I found it that funny but I was clutching my stomach and was laughing to the point that I had tears in my eyes.
"You're mean." Bella scrunched her face up playfully.
"And you're weird." I shot back, smiling.
"Then it's too bad you're stuck with me." She shrugged and elbowed me lightly.
"Yeah. Such a shame." I sighed dramatically and fluttered my eyelashes in a very girly way.
"You're an idiot Harry." She rolled her eyes, a smile present on her perfect lips.
"Yeah but I'm your idiot." Her eyes softened and her cheeks became pink. I leaned in and gently pressed my lips to hers.
"I love you Harry." She whispered, her eyes closed and our foreheads leaning against each other.
"I love you Bella, to every star and back."
//
I turned my head to the door after hearing a faint knock and saw a nurse with a tray, holding two plates of food. The food was very healthy and there was a small-average serving size on each. Me? I would usually eat about 3 times as much but I knew if I wanted to be in the room with Bella as she ate it needed to seem more regular or something...I don't know really.
"Bella." I nudged her and she tore her eyes away from the tv.
"Yeah?" I tilted my head towards the door where the nurse was standing.
"Does she ever stop smiling." Bella mumbled, trying to keep the mood light, but I could tell she was becoming nervous. When she started pulling at her fingers I pressed my lips to her head and wrapped one arm around her.
"Hi Bella, how has your day been." She asked, smiling in a very fake trying to be convincing way.
"It's been fine." Bella shifted awkwardly. She'd been really polite to the other nurses but this one was getting on both of our nerves.
"That's lovely." The nurse replied. Whatever she gets payed, it's too much. She gently swung around the mini table over the bed and placed the tray on it before leaving, but as soon as she left, two other nurses waited sort of nearby the door, discreetly watching as if they were waiting for something to happen.
My right arm was still around Bella, so with my left hand I picked up a fork and started eating off the plate in front of me, the food was actually delicious, but really light. Bella leaned forward and took the other fork, getting some food and putting it in her mouth. I tried not to watch her too closely and pretended not to notice how her hand was shaking.
"Ya know he's pretty dumb." I spoke, referring to the show we were watching, attempting to focus Bella's attention on something other then the fact that we were eating.
"Nah he's sweet." She defended the guy.
"God you're thinking like such a girl." I scoffed.
"Am not!" She gaped.
"Oh you so are." I rolled my eyes. "What he did wasn't sweet. It was dumb. There was absolutely no chance she would take him back and all he did was make a fool of himself and hurt her even more. He isn't sweet, he's dumb." I argued. Bella scoffed, trying to think of a good rebuttal.
"Why are we even watching this anyway." I pointed at the tv which now showed some sappy scene of both of them sitting by their windows while it rains and they are thinking about each other blah blah blah.
"Because we were both too lazy to move and get the remote." She laughed.
"Oh lovely, so the fact that neither of us would get off our arses meant that I got stuck watching that movie. Wonderful." I sighed dramatically.
"No one was stopping you from getting the remote so stop complaining." She lightly scolded me. We continued on like this for a while and I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't even notice both of us finishing our meals. For once I felt like I had my Bella back, the one who would joke around with me and didn't analyse her every move. It wasn't until we leaned back on the bed and started to watch some more tv that Bella started showing some anxious traits. She pulled at and played with her fingers and tapped her foot anxiously. The nurses in the hallway were watching her with sad and....knowing looks?
Bella bit her lip harshly and looked around the room quickly. I was too nervous to say anything. She swallowed and closed her eyes before shaking her head.
"Fuck." She swore and practically jumped off the bed, running into the bathroom. I immediately heard her coughing and throwing up. One of the nurses ran in to Bella and closed the door quickly. I, having scrambled off the bed in a panicked manner, was about to burst into the bathroom when a short, middle aged nurse stepped in front of me.
"Mr Styles I'm going to have to ask that you wait here." Her voice was soft but stern.
"What? No. What's going on you have to let me go in there." I promised Bella I would always be there.
"Harry if you would sit down I will explain what's going on." She smiled warmly, her eyes sympathetic. Reluctantly, I sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Tell me what's happening or I will go in there right now." I threatened.
"Harry her body and mind has become used to a routine. You know when kids eat so much they throw up. It's like there is a limit that their body can take of food." I nodded and she continued. "Well with Bella, it's like that but how much food her body thinks it can take in is a very small amount. She -her body- became used to Bella inducing vomiting after consuming a certain amount of food, which in most cases wasn't very much. So now, when she ate more then she would without vomiting, her body automatically felt the need to throw it up. That was out of Bella's control. It takes different amounts of time for people's body's to adjust but with many girl's this, throwing up involuntarily, only happens once or twice. I'll tell you now, she will feel sick after eating and that might last for a while, but over time and with therapy her body's level of what it thinks is an acceptable amount of food with become larger and she will stop feeling sick after eating. All you can do is be supportive and be there for her, okay?" I closed my eyes and nodded. Everything she said made sense, that didn't mean I liked it.
///
I waited for about half an hour while Bella and that nurse were still in the bathroom. Then, she finally came out. The nurse walked out first and Bella followed closely behind, her head down and her eyes slightly red. The nurse gave me a smile smile before leaving the room. Bella walked slowly back to the bed and I reached out and held her hand, gently pulling her down next to me. I wrapped my arms around her, something I seem to do very often, and for a minute just enjoyed the feeling of having her close to me, in my arms.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked softly. She shook her head gently and spoke quietly.
"No, not today." She shifted a little closer to me and I pulled her even closer.
"Okay. I love you." If she doesn't want to talk about it to me then that's okay. Maybe one day she will be ready to talk about this all with me, but that likely won't be any time soon. As long as it's what she wants, then I'm okay with that. She might never feel comfortable discussing it with me, but that's okay because my only interest is that she gets better and is happy.
"I love you too Harry. Thank you."
*4 days later**
Bellas PoV
I laid in the bed with Harry like I had every morning since I got here. I wasn't sick of it though. Just being here in his arms makes everything seem okay. I feel safe in his arms and I love that. I've only been here a few days....well I guess it depends on who's saying that. A couple, a few, several. It's always confused me. A couple should just mean two, but some think it means three. A few means three, but does it mean four and five as well? Several, now I assumed that just means a number near seven. I'm not sure.
It's things like that I've been thinking about a lot. Just little things that don't really matter but seem to fascinate me. I think it's good that I think about random things like that though. It means less obsessing over how much food I have eaten. Less thinking about how much I miss the feeling of a blade slicing through my skin. Less wondering what the point of my existence even is. Harry has never left my side. He has been here every second of the days I have, not even going home when I have my sessions with Dr. Torres. She's lovely. I'm not saying I've had some miraculous recovery, I'm taking meds and I've still been getting very anxious, feeling awful after I eat and having dangerous thoughts, but I can feel that I have made at least a little progress in the short amount of time I have been here.
I know I have Harry to thank. He's the reason I accepted I had a problem. He's the reason I told the others to admit me to this place. He's the reason I want to get better. I love him so much and I think I might finally be able to accept the fact that he loves me too. I don't know why but I've never really been able to accept the fact that I might mean a lot to someone else. It felt selfish and cocky for me to say I am important to him and that he loves me. It still doesn't feel right saying it but maybe one day I will be able to say it without feely guilty or weird.
"Morning." Harry's voice snapped me out of my train of thought that was leading who knows where.
"Hey." I replied, speechless at how perfect he can look after waking up only seconds ago.
"I know we just woke up and all, but last night the nurses told me that you're allowed to have some visitors today and all the others want to see you so....." He trailed off awkwardly.
"I'd love to see the others." I smiled at him and his face lit up.
"Okay, I'll let them know once we can get ourselves out of this weirdly comfortable bed, so they should know in about 2-3 business days." He joked, earning a laugh from me. There was a knock on the door before Karen, the nice middle aged nurse walked in.
"Morning, I see you two are already up. Bella sorry about more needles but we're going to run your blood-work again to keep an eye on things." I groaned and she gave me a small smile.
"But I'm so comfortable." I whined.
"That's just coz I'm here." Harry smirked cockily and I rolled my eyes.
"Actually now is a perfect time for you to take some blood." I sat up and scooted as far away from Harry as the bed would let me go. He pouted and flailed his hand around like an idiot in the now empty space.
"You're mean." He huffed.
"And you're cocky." He didn't respond, instead took my hand and kissed it softly.
"Too bad your madly in love with me then." He stated rather dramatically. Before I could think up a sarcastic comment he spoke again. "Although I can't talk since I'm even more crazy about you." A part of me found his comments just so ridiculously cheesy, but that was a very very small part. The rest of me just found them adorable and loved them.
"Ya know sometimes I wonder how I managed to fall in love with someone with so many cheesy lines stored away in that brain of yours." I winked at him. He laughed and scooted closer to me, his eyes becoming less joking.
"I think I fell in love with you when we were arguing about stars, I mean I'd been falling for you since long before that, but I think that was the moment I really fell in love with you." My insides melted and my cheeks heated up.
"As much as I hate to break up this little love scene, I have to take you're blood now Bella." Karen smiled and I held out my right arm, rolling up the sleeve. She wrapped that blue strap around my arm and found a vein, then wiped my arm with a cool liquid before pushing the needle into my arm. I bit my lip as the tube started to fill up with my blood.
I harshly scolded myself for enjoying the small amount of pain the needle gave me and hated myself for feeling upset once she removed the needle and put the tube into a bag. She stuck a cotton ball to my arm with some tape before smiling and leaving.
Harry's PoV
I hated when they came to take blood. I had seen enough blood the day Bella got admitted here. There was so much blood, everywhere. Bella's blood. Bella's pain. Mainly though, I hated what it did to Bella when they took blood. I could see it in her eyes, in her face, in her body. The pain that comes from having blood drawn, it's the closest she can get to.....to cutting. I know she beats herself up for the fact that she feels relief from the pain. She thinks I don't notice, but of course I do. As soon as the nurse left I held her hand and pulled her into my arms.
"You wanna watch some Greys Anatomy?" I asked, hoping that the mention of her favourite show would would take her mind off what she was thinking about. Her eyebrows lifted and her mouth turned into a smirk, the self hate fading from her eyes.
"You just know me so well don't you?"
"I try." She swatted my arm and leaned over to grab the remote before turning on the tv.
///
From Zayn: we r here
"Bella the others are here." She looked up from her book and nodded.
"Okay. I'll just..wait here I guess." Bella shrugged and bit her lip.
"I'll be back in a minute." I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before leaving the room. The second I left a nurse walked in and started talking to Bella. She seemed to be doing a lot better to me, but she was still on suicidal watch. Obviously her therapist still thinks she's at risk for taking her life and that scared me so badly. If some person who devotes her life to knowing what's mentally wrong with people and trying to fix it thinks that Bella is suicidal, then I want to know why. Why does she think Bella will try to kill herself. Why?
Zayns PoV
"Don't act like she's made of glass, she hates that. Don't look at her arm, or look at how thin she it, it will make her self conscious. Don't do anything to make it awkward, that would just be dumb...." Harry went on lecturing us on what we could and couldn't do when we saw Bella. He was so stressed out and it was painful to watch.
"Harry calm down it'll be fine-"
"No." He snapped, stopping Liam from talking. "Nothing about this is fine, nothing at all and I swear to god if any of you do anything to make it worse-"
"Harry." I cut him off. "Take a breath. We won't do anything to make it worse, okay? Are you still going to let us all see her individually?" I asked nervously. Bella's therapist had said it was okay but honestly if Harry said no then there was no chance in hell we would get to see her.
"Only if she's okay with it." He ran his fingers through his hair anxiously. I had spent the past days worrying about Bella. She can't be getting worse -I hope- but I couldn't even comprehend how hard this must be for her. It gutted me knowing that she was going through something so horrible.
"Okay." Niall patted Harry on the back and picked up his guitar and we were about to walk to her room when we heard a voice I thought I'd never be lucky enough to hear again.
"Harry?" We all turned around to see Perrie and my knees became week. "Dani called me. I'm here, we're doing some concerts and she called me and she told me about Bella and she said you were all going to see her today and I just was hoping that....I should have called you first I shouldn't have just shown up here I'm sorry I-"
"Perrie, it's okay. I know Bella would love to see you." Harry stopped Perrie from her rambling and smiled at her reassuringly. I just stood there, completely and utterly shocked. Perrie, my Perrie, was standing here, just a few meters away. She slowly walked to Dani, El and Eliza and they hugged, exchanging greetings. She had walked right past me. She didn't even look at me.
"Umm I don't think we should all go in at once it might be too much for her. I was hoping maybe we can do the thing and then we can all see her in groups or something I don't know." He furrowed his eyebrows nervously.
"You guys should do your thing then we'll figure it out from there, okay?" Luke offered Harry a reassuring smile. Luke looked like he hadn't slept for days. He had been through this before with Bella and I don't know if this time would be easier or harder. All 11 of us squished into the elevator and, of course, I ended up next to Perrie. I risked looking at her and she noticed my gaze, slowly lifting her head to look at me. The corners of her mouth tugged into a small smile that made my insides melt. I smiled back, trying to somehow put all my emotions into that smile; regret, pain, love. The doors slid open and Liam, Niall, Louis and I followed Harry to Bella's room.
When we walked in she didn't notice at first. A nurse was sitting on the chair next to her bed while Bella read a book that I'm pretty sure I've seen her read numerous times before. It was only when Harry went over to her that she looked up and saw us.
"Hey." Her voice was quiet and nervous.
"Hey Bella." I smiled at her and just a fraction of her nervousness seemed to disappear.
"What's with the guitar?" She asked curiously.
"Um well we've written another song we want to put on the album, we were wondering if you would take a listen and let us know if it's any good." Niall replied casually, smiling. Harry was watching ours and Bella's every move, waiting for something to go wrong. I wonder how much sleep he has gotten. Most of the time he's with Bella I assume he spends awake, even when she's asleep he probably just stays up worrying.
When she goes to her therapy he has been FaceTimeing with us to write the song, so I know he must be sleep deprived.
"Yeah I'd love to listen. Let's here it." She crossed her legs comfortably and we all stood around the room, Niall and Liam holding their guitars. Even as we stood there, about to sing, Bella could tell something was up. I could see it in her eyes, as she watched the way Harry stood nervously. Those two were made for each other. The sound of soft guitars filled the room and Bella smiled, relaxed, at the tune. Her head turned to me as I started singing the lyrics Harry had written.
Your hand fits in mine
Like it's made just for me
But bear this in mind
It was meant to be
And I'm joining up the dots
With the freckles on your cheeks
And it all makes sense to me
She but her lip and played with her fingers, knowing that this was not just some song. She closed her eyes briefly until Liam started singing.
I know you've never loved
The crinkles by your eyes when you smile
You've never loved
Your stomach or your thighs
The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine
Her eyes became glossy as she recognised some lyrics. Harry had told us about when they fought. He didn't go into details, that was 'none of our goddamn business' but he had said how she told him all these things he knew, little things that made up her that only he noticed.
But I'll love them endlessly
I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if I do, it's you,
Oh it's you,
They add up to
I'm in love with you,
And all these little things
She looked over to Harry but he was staring at the floor, biting his lip and seemingly very focused on anything but Bella. She turned her attention to Louis as he started to sing.
You can't go to bed,
Without a cup of tea,
And maybe that's the reason
That you talk, in your sleep
And all those conversations
Are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me
Bella smiled at the lyrics and as a reaction, I smiled too. It had been so long since I had seen her smile a smile that wasn't forced. Her breath hitched as Harry sung and she blinked a lot in attempt to not cry.
I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape
You never want to know how much you weigh
Everyone has to squeeze into their jeans
And you're perfect to me
He shook his head sadly, no doubt thinking about all that has happened.
I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if it's true,
It's you,
It's you,
They add up to
I'm in love with you,
And all these little things
Bella covered her mouth with her hand as a tear slipped from her eye, her gaze held firmly on Harry as Niall sung.
You'll never love yourself
Half as much as I love you
You'll never treat yourself right, darlin'
But I want you to,
If I let you know, I'm here for you,
Maybe you'll love yourself,
Like I love you
Oh
Finally, Harry looked up. He looked Bella right in the eyes, his bloodshot and hers spilling tears.
And I've just let these little things
Slip, out of my mouth,
'Cause it's you, oh it's you,
It's you,
They add up to
And I'm in love with you,
And all these little things,
By now Bella was silently sobbing into her hand, tears streaming down her face as her and Harry looked at each other, their eyes sending messages meant for only them. He sat down on the bed and took her free hand while we all sung the last chorus.
I won't let these little things
Slip, out of my mouth,
But if it's true,
It's you, it's you,
They add up to,
I'm in love with you,
And all your little things
The last guitar strum faded out and the room went practically silent. Harry effortlessly lifted Bella onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her in a protective way. He spoke quietly to her, and while I couldn't here what he said, I did hear him telling her he loved her. After a few minutes Bella leaned away from Harry and wiped under her eyes.
"Thank you." She breathed, looking at each of us.
"We love you Bella." I told her softly. She bit her lip and looked down. I hated the fact that she wasn't able to take a compliment, but maybe, hopefully she will be able to someday.
Bellas PoV
The song? It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. I honestly couldn't even describe how it made me feel. After the song everybody left and started coming in one by one. Zayn was first.
"Hey, how are you feeling." He asked. Sitting down next to me.
"I've been better, but I'm okay." I replied honestly. He smiled sympathetically. Then I noticed something else in his eyes, something distracting him.
"What's up with you." I asked curiously, leaning in.
"What? Nothing." He answered, way too quickly.
"Zaynnnn please you gotta tell me." I gave him my best puppy dog face and he gave in practically immediately.
"Perrie's here." He muttered. Perrie?
"Are you serious. Have you spoken to her." He shook his head. "You should."
"Why?" He scoffed. "It's not like she wants to speak to me." I sighed and rolled my eyes.
"Of course she does Zayn." He's really not that smart if he thinks Perrie won't want to talk to him.
"Why? She broke up with me-" I cut him off by groaning.
"That doesn't mean she doesn't still love you. Look, I reckon if you talk to her you'll be able to get her back." I told him, and I believed that. We talked for a while before Niall came in saying he had been too long. I spoke with Niall for a while and then Liam. Then, Louis came in. He sat down on the chair next to the bed and didn't say anything. He just stared, at nothing. I couldn't read the expression on his face.
"Louis?" He slowly looked up at me, his eyes dull. A minute of silence passed before he said something.
"I don't understand." His words were simple, yet they said everything written on the face of him and all the others.
"I know." I sighed.
"No I don't think you do." He shook his head. "You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I mean you're beautiful, smart, funny and everything else. I don't get why you did this to yourself." Something about his tone pissed me off.
"It's not exactly like I chose to do this to myself, I didn't just wake up one day and go 'oh hey you know what I think I'm gonna give my self an eating disorder, and maybe throw in a little depression and anxiety too'." I spat at him.
"You know I didn't mean it like that Bella." He groaned, clearly frustrated.
"Then how did you mean it?" He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head.
"I mean I don't get why you hurt yourself, starved yourself, made yourself throw up and constantly battle yourself. You're beautiful and you have thousands of girls from all over the world telling you it every day. Not to mention Harry, he loves you so fucking much and I don't get why that isn't enough for you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, trust me, I just want to understand." He looked at me with pleading eyes.
"Do you think that if I understood everything, I would be here." I flicked away an unwanted tear. Fuck why am I crying all the time? Louis didn't respond, he sat there for a minute before standing up and sitting down next to me, putting an arm around me, slowly lying down and bringing me with him. I sighed and rested my head on his chest.
"I'm sorry Bella, I just want you to get better." He kissed the top of my head and I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak without crying. "We love you Bella, remember that."
Eliza's PoV
"How has she been?" I asked Harry quietly while Luke and Jamie spoke to Bella.
"I don't know. Sometimes I see the Bella she used to be, but then one thing happens and she becomes closed off again. I just want her to get better and I'm trying to figure out the best way to help her." He closed his eyes and sighed. I hadn't seen Bella yet and I was itching to just talk to her. I should have seen this all coming but I let her convince me she was fine.
"I can't believe that I didn't see it." I mumbled, too quiet for Harry to hear. Eventually, Luke and Jamie came out, so us girls stood up and walked to Bella's room. As we walked in a nurse walked out and Bella stood up. We all gave her long hugs before sitting down on the bed.
"I've missed you so much." Perrie smiled at Bella.
"I've missed you too Perrie." Bella smiled warmly.
"So how have you been." Dani asked, a little nervous.
"Um. I've been okay." I frowned as Bella started to pull at her fingers. We talked a bit before Bella brought up Zayn.
"Perrie have you spoken to Zayn yet?" Perrie looked down and shook her head.
"I don't think he'd want to talk to me." She whispered.
"Are you kidding? Of course he does, he loves you." Bella told her kindly.
"No. I broke up with him he doesn't love me, he probably hates me." She sighed.
"You owe it to yourself to at least talk to him, promise?" Bella held out her pinky like we used to when we were little. Perrie laughed and linked their fingers.
"Promise."
///
"Bye." Bella waved at the other girls as they walked out, then the room went silent with just me and her. After a few minutes I decided to break the silence.
"Why didn't you talk to me? You know I could have helped, or gotten you some help. Why didn't you talk to me Bella?" I bit my lip, refusing to let myself become teary.
"Same reason I didn't talk to you last time this happened. I didn't really think there was anything to tell. I thought I could just lose a bit of weight then stop.....it just got so bad." She shook her head and looked down.
"Come 'ere." I held out my arms and she hugged me tightly.
"Promise me you won't leave here until you think you're ready. Promise me you won't lie, to yourself, to your therapist, to Harry. To me." I hated to think of what happened last time. How she faked being better so well that we believed her and didn't notice her slipping away.
"I promise Eliza." We laid down for a while, silently. Then she looked up at me and squinted her eyes.
"What are you thinking about? There's something else on your mind." My jaw dropped.
"How is it you know me this well, seriously." I whined.
"I've known you for ages I know when you're minds on something. What is it. Please I need some gossip."
She tugged at my arm and pouted.
"Ugh fine. It's that Dean guy. He's getting clingy." I groaned.
"Dean.....which one's he? Is he the blonde with cute glasses or the brunette with abs?" She asked.
"Brunette."
"And how long have you guys been screwing?"
"Almost a month." Bella cringed and saw my problem.
"What happened to your 2 week policy?Wasn't the whole point to keep guys from getting the wrong idea." I nodded at her.
"Yeah but he's just sooo good in bed I mean seriously!" Bella laughed at me sympathetically.
"Aww babe if you're gonna stick with your no dating thing, which by the way I still think is dumb, then you can't fuck a guy for that long." I let out an annoyed noise and flopped backwards onto the pillows.
"I know-" I was about to keep talking but my phone rang. Dean, lovely. Bella snatched the phone and answered, putting a finger to her lips, telling me to be quiet.
"Hello." She answered in an annoying nasally voice.
"Um..I'm Eliza's girlfriend. Who that fuck are you." She snapped, keeping up the really horrible girly voice.
"I don't know who you think you are, but you need to stay away from my girlfriend or so help me I will find you and cut of your balls with blunt scissors." She hung up quickly and we burst out in laughter.
"I can always count on you to be my lesbian lover to get rid of clingy idiots." I smiled. We talked for about half an hour before a nurse came in saying that I should probably go since we had all been here for a long time.
"Call me if you need anything at all, okay? I love you Bella." I gave her one final hug before leaving her room. I took the elevator down and found that I was a lot less worried about Bella now, I could easily see that she was far from being better, but with therapy and Harry I know she will be okay eventually.
Harry's PoV
"Just remember she's seen a lot of people today so she's going to be a little worn out, whether she appears it or not." I nodded impatiently at the nurse and finally she let me go back to Bella's room. I'd already eaten dinner and I knew Bella had too which sorta pissed me off because I want to be there for support and everything.....
"Hey." I smiled. She shuffled over and I sat down next to her, putting my arm around her and sighing with relief when she leant her head on my chest. I spent all day worrying. Worrying that someone would say something wrong. Worrying that I would come back and something terrible would have happened. I looked up to the tv and almost rolled my eyes when I saw what was on. Greys Anatomy, what else?Honestly the shows not that bad, but I still don't get what's so great about it. I was only half watching until it got to the end, the bit where a character does the voice over thing. As I listened to the character......Katy?Christiana? Cristina? I don't know, I bit my lip and looked worriedly at Bella.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that it only takes one person, one patient, one moment to change your life forever, to change your perspective, colour your thinking. To force you to re-evaluate every thing you think you know. To make you ask yourself the toughest questions: Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way?
Bella eyebrows furrowed and she started pulling at her fingers while tapping her foot. The screen went black and the credits started rolling, but the message was playing, over and over in my head.
"Bella?" Worry started to take over my body. She was overanalysing that voice over bit and putting it to her own life, freaking herself out. "Bella please tell me what your thinking." I begged quietly. She looked up at her, her eyes not completely focused.
"It's nothing." She tried to reassure me. She tugged nervously at the sleeve of her top and I placed my hands over hers.
"Bella please. Don't keep things inside they'll just build up and need up hurting you more. Please just tell me what you're thinking." Pain crossed her features and she bit her lip, letting some hair fall onto her face.
"It's just...um..." She stumbled over her words. "I don't know...just usually when I felt like this I....um...I don't know." She shook her head, not finishing the sentence, but I knew what she meant. Usually if she felt like this she would harm herself. The thought made my insides burn. I took a deep breath before gently taking her arm, lifting up the sleeve to reveal the countless scars. She looked up at me, scared.
"Every time you go to cut yourself, I want you to take my arm and cut me as many times as you would yourself." I told her, completely serious.
"What? No that's ridiculous, I could never hurt you like....." She trailed off and realisation crossed her face, in that moment, I knew she understood, she finally started to understand. Immediately her eyes became glossy and she looked down. I placed my hand gently on her leg.
"I'm....I didn't....I....I don't...." She trying to form a sentence and I could see how overwhelmed she was becoming.
"Hey hey calm down, come here." Facing her, I wrapped my arms around her, hers around my neck.
"I'm sorry Harry I'm so sorry I just...I don't know I'm so confused." I held her tighter and buried my head in the crook of her neck.
"Please stop saying sorry Bella I mean it please stop saying sorry just stop being sorry please." I begged. Bella moved her head and looked at me. She brought her hand up to my cheek gently and wiped away the tears I hadn't realised had fallen.
"I don't want to lose you. I'm so scared that you're just going to slip away from me again. You....you were almost gone. There was so much blood and I thought I was going to lose you. I can't live without you Bella. You are everything to me and I am terrified that I'm going to lose you." I admitted quietly, swallowing the lump in my throat and looking into Bella's eyes.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you Harry I love you too much." She turned her head and let more hair fall on her face, hiding it. I gently moved the hair behind her ear. I don't want her to hide her beautiful face. Not now, not ever. Maybe with a wedding veil one day but other then that I never want her to hide her face.
"Promise me." I know I sounded whiny and pathetic but I don't care. "Promise me I won't lose you." I rested my head against her forehead.
"I promise Harry. I promise." I cupped her face with my hands and nodded slightly.
"Good. Good, because you and I, were going to make it through this all. I'm gonna be here every second of the way and I'm going to do everything I can to make you see how beautiful you are. I love you and we're going to make it through this, okay?" I brushed my lips against hers lightly before pressing my mouth to hers. Our lips fit together perfectly, like they were made for each other. I pulled away and kissed the skin of her neck gently, holding her body against mine.
"Okay?" I need to hear her say it. I need to hear her tell me that we will get through this together. "Bella?"
I loosened my hold on her and my heart rate doubled when I realised her body was limp. "Bella!?"
A high pitched beep came from a machine, and the line monitoring her heart rate went dead straight.
Notes
PLEASE READ xo
hey so I just want to ask you a question.This fic is getting closer to the end, it's not ending quite yet but it's getting closer, so do u want a sequal? I've got a lot of a sequal planned out if you want it, let me know if you want one in the comments.
also, im going away for about a week (which is why I gave y'all an 8,000+ word chapter) but I will hopefully be able to update really soon when I get back.
buttttttt.......before I update next can I get 120votes and a bunch of comments ^_^ I love all your comments they seriously make my day especially when u tell me what u think will happen next and stuff. So yeah, hope you enjoyed the chapter, idk I felt like it was more boring or something but maybe that was just me idk
I like cliffhangers. They make me feel powerful knowing exactly what happens next *laughs evilly before switching back to tumblr app and speanding the next 1652473 hours of my life blogging alone*
Holy fuck I need to know what happens. Please just tell me Harry and Bella make it through everything and end up together because I might lose my mind if not. This is so good but holy shit my emotions
11/18/16