Five Lovestories

I didn't know what to do. What were there to do? What were you supposed to do, when you just had walked in on someone in the middle of their selfharming? Not only was what she was doing a horrible sight, her face said so much more. It screamed pain, betrayal and fear. What she first did, was to let no noise out of her mouth. It looked like she was holding her breath, and were fighting the urge not to break down in tears. It was after I started to sputter out words that had absolute no meaning, that I could see how the anger came. Surprise surprise.

"B-Bim.. I'm-I'm.. I.. I can't.. I'm so.."

"Get the fuck out of here!"

"No, plea-"

"Do I have to tell you twice?!" She screamed with new tears on her cheeks.

"Calm down, Bim, I just.."

"Are you fucking deaf?!"

She kicked the door closed again, leaving me on the outside, helpless. I had to gather myself together for a few seconds, think through what just happened, and rethink my whole plan. No way I was going to tell her now, this was not the time. But on the other hand.. When was I supposed to tell her? I knew that I would always find a reason not to tell her, and I also knew that if I didn't, that would mean that she would be on a really happy mood. Why would I wanna ruin that for her? No, I had to finish what I had already started to plan.
I listened through the door. I could hear her crying, and I heard that she shove some things down in a bag. I was scared, not only for what I was about to say to her, but because of what I just saw. I had already, technically, walked in on her doing it, and I really didn't wanna have to go through this again. The pain, the responsibility, the sick feeling afterwards.. I mean, someone was actually in front of me, cutting her flesh up, seeing the dark blood roll down her arm.. I didn't understand, I didn't wanna understand, I just wanted to help her.

"Bim? Bim!" I shouted through the door.

What was she doing in there? The images that popped up in my head brought me to tears, but I kept knocking.

"Go away.." She cried. "I don't want you to see me like this, just go!"

"I won't leave, just open already!"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

I sighed and clenched my teeth not to let my tears out.

"Bim..!" I said, but my voice gave up.

Suddenly, I heard her turn on the shower, and the water softly hit the white tile. I could hear whimpers, and a few muffled groans pressing out of her mouth. I got really worried.

"Bim?!"

"Just a fucking second..!" She screamed.

Another minute of pure pain leaving her mouth went by, but suddenly, the shower was turned off, and I heard her pick up her bag. She locked up the door, and opened. There I was, crying like a baby, only staring at one thing, her arm. And there she was, crying even harder, covering up the only thing she had to cover up, her arm.

I took a careful step closer to her.

"Bim, I'm so sorry.. I didn't wanna.. interrupt, you.."

She looked at her feet, but she didn't say anything. I took it as a silent "apology accepted".

"But why were you even.."

"Kath! For Gods sake!" She screamed.

The sudden tone got me scared, and I backed the step I eariler took. But the angry look in Bims face didn't hold on for too long, soon she was back to crying again.

"You just don't understand.." She sobbed.

"Yes, I.."

"You don't!" She screamed. "Just because you might have been the best thing I had in my life a few weeks ago, and just because you got to see me in a different light, and just because you think that you fucking changed me, doesn't mean this will!"

She breathed for a second, but I didn't. I was frozen.

"You can't take the pain away more than a few hours, because when you leave me alone, the monsters will come sneaking upon me again! The guilt, the pain and everything I have lived through my entire life, the memories and my past, it will all come back to me! Just because you've made me feel special, just because.."

"Bim, listen.."

"NO!"

My eyes widened.

"How often do I pour my heart out for you? How often? This is one of those moments, so fucking listen then!"

I nodded, feeling ashamed of the thought that she was absolutely right. But now, Bim seemed off track, like she didn't know what to say anymore. She dropped her right arm that were covering up her cuts, and walked to her bed.

"You can't change the fact that I still cry myself to sleep every night, you can't.. This is not only guilt anymore.. It's a disease. And you can't expect that I'm supposed to cure, in like one second. I need to heal from this.. And I'm being totally honest when I say that I'm not doing very good around you."

"I know I'm not, I just.." I said and raised my hands in the air to try to explain something, anything.

Tears were streaming down my cheeks, even though I ignored them and only focused on what was going on in my head. I hated the fact that I still had to tell her, I had to. Just do it, it can't get worse than what it is right now, I thought.

"B-Bim.." I stuttered.

"You know what, Kath?" She interrupted. "I forgive you. I mean, you couldn't know that I was gonna.. when you came home, I just thought you would be spending time with Zayn.."

"Funny that you say that.." I said with a nervous laugh.

But before I got the chance to develop, she interrupted me again.

"But I forgive you for assuming that it would all be over now, that you had somehow cured me, I don't know.. But I forgive you." She said. "So, what were you going to say?"

I swallowed hard. It felt even harder to say it now, now when she had forgiven me. But I couldn't pull out now, I still had to tell her.

"B-Bim.. I've done something.. something terrible.." I said while feeling the lump of fear in my throat. "I've.. I.. I couldn't.. I.."

Everything that I had prepared in my head was gone, I had no idea how I would put my thoughts into words anymore.

"I told.. Zayn.. that.. that.. that you.."

"That I what?!" She wondered, now standing up with crossed arms.

"That you.." I said and counted to three. "Cut. O-or, I mean, s-selfharm.."

I closed my eyes out of fear. Now it was said. She would probably hit me, kill me, scream at me, selfharm even worse.. I couldn't take any of it. I opened up my eyes, and just when I did, she laughed. She laughed. I didn't understand. It wasn't her friendly, warm and rare laugh, it was a raw laugh, that I had never heard before.

"You.. you.." She said and pointed at me, while still lightly chuckling. "I'm so stupid.. why didn't I realize that "once a backstabber, always a backstabber"? I'm so silly! So fucking silly!"

Her last sentence had no laughing follow. Her words hardened, and her fists clenched.

"Get the fuck out of here." She said, still lookinng terrifying, but calm. "Get the fuck.. out of here."

I swiftly nodded, and picked up my purse on the floor, and ran for my life.

Notes