Five Lovestories

Bim sat down, randomly, at the floor. It felt awkward to stand up so I sat down beside her. Before, she more scream-cried, and she actually cried so much that she couldn't breath. But now, her face showed pain, and quiet tears fell down from her eyes.

"I guess I didn't have a good childhood.." She said, after a long while.

She stroked away a tear.

"I only had mum and dad, no siblings or cousins. Every day was challenge." She whispered. "I was bullied at school, the teachers wouldn't do anything about it and my dad.. sneered at me. My dad, he.."

She went quiet, and I could feel in my guts that what she was about to say was emotional to her.

"He didn't bother to stop the bullies.. He was one of them.. Everyday he would call me stuff.. Fat, ugly, worthless, slutty.. The words continued.. He even hit me sometimes.."

I gasped.

"And by sometimes, I mean like once a week.. I started to hate him, I would do anything to break his stupid rules, and I simply got on his nervs every day.."

I didn't want to interrupt her, but I had to.

"What about your mum? Didn't she do anything?"

"My mom was way too scared. When he called me things, she didn't say anything. But when he hit me, she pushed me away and brought me to my room. She would do anything to get out of his way. Trust me, the last thing you wanted to do was to piss off my dad.. Before he met my mom, he had even been to jail.." She said and nodded to her own words.

"But why would your mum be with him?" I asked confused.

"Because he was another person before I came to earth. After that, he changed. That's what my mom told me at least. I don't know if I believe her.. Anyways, every night, she would come to my bed, stroke my hair and ask for forgiveness. Being sorry for not standing up for me. And slowly, these apologies were becoming boring to hear.. They became regular.. So one night, I screamed at her, and said all kinds of stuff that I regret these days.."

She had calmed down by now, but I could see her slowly starting to crack up again, like she was getting closer to the sad ending.

"When she, guilty, leaved the room, I started packing a bag.. I was leaving. And I was only fifteen.. Under the whole night, I was packing and preparing. In the morning, before I was leaving, my mom grabbed me, and gave me the sweetest apologize ever.. But of course, I was still mad at her and just looked her in the eyes, and said: 'I hate you. You can't change that. I hope I never see you again', and slammed the door."

Now, Bim was sobbing again, and I layed my arm around her. I could feel her shaking in my arms.

"I was so mean to her.. And I just left.. How could I do that?"

"She made you do that, don't you see? You had every right to be mad at her.." I tried.

But she continued the story, without saying anything about my comment.

"Even though I felt bad, I marched away and got a place so I could live with a stranger, since I didn't have any friends. When I had gotten enough money, I moved in to an apartment."

"But.. Everything you've told me.. nothing of that makes it okay to cut.." I said.

"I'm not finished.. After I leaved the house, my mom tried to call and text me nonstop. Like every minute. She would tell me how sorry she was, how much she loved me and how much she wanted me back. But I didn't answer, not ever. I felt a little bad, but I just couldn't."

Now she really started to crack up.

"One day in my new apartment, for about four months ago, I got a call. And this time, it was my dad. I didn't know what do to, but I knew that my dad wasn't the person who would call for nothing." She paused to breath. "So I answered.. And he didn't have good news. He sounded like I never left, he didn't even bring it up. But.. it was about my mom.."

Once again, I needed to hold her tight. She cried very much, and gasped for breath.

"She had taken some tests, and she turned out to have cancer.. In her throat.. He said that she wasn't going to make it, that she was only going to live the next few months.. But she wanted to see me. To say goodbye.."

She now hugged me, and talked in my ear, because she didn't have that much voice left.

"But I hung up. Before that, I told him that it wasn't going to happen, that I couldn't ditch college. And.. and.. I feel so bad.." She cried in my shoulder. "And it's too late to go back.. All I can do is to wait for the day the doctors call me and tell me that she.."

She couldn't make it through the whole sentence without breaking down.

"Ever since fifth grade, I have selfharmed.. For all the things my dad did and said.. But now.. It's for a completely different reason.. I blame myslef.. Every day, every minute, I feel ashamed of myslef. I should've gone to the hospital, or at least said something.. So every cut, is just my pain, that I have to take out on my body. I enjoy to feel the pain, and see the blood. I have had it coming all along."

All the time she had been talking, she had been looking down, but now she raised her eyes and layed them on me.

"That's why I deserve it. Every cut." She said. "I deserve all of them."

I was speachless. That was quite a story. I didn't know what else to do, so I just hugged her really hard and let her cry out in my arms.

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