~Maci~

It's officially been six days since I had walked away from Louis. Again. I had originally believed that the night of New Year's would be the last time I ever got the pleasure of seeing his burning blue eyes. But, as he always did, Louis managed to make me rethink and question everything that flowed through my mind.

He was a beautiful tragedy, much like lightning. It was beautiful, and so amazing, all you could do was admire it. But with it came destruction, and fear. It was reckless. It was unpredictable. And it was dangerous. That's why there are warnings; you can choose to ignore them and take the risk of not being stuck, but once you are there is nothing you can do to undo it. You are scarred and it will forever be a part of you. But maybe..maybe that's ok. Because now you have a reminder, a symbol, of the mistake you made.

I wonder if he knows the effect he has on me. He is nothing more than a child playing with matches. And I am the unfortunate being who is the equivalent of paper in his wake. He is the Mona Lisa of artistic perfection, and that only worries me more. Someone is bound to get the short end of the stick - and I fear that it is going to be me. Because one day, he's going to find a girl who's eyes never wet, and who is unafraid of all the uncertainness that comes with him. She will wear his clothes and fall into bed with him, and I will spend restless nights obsessing over the famous boy who was the closest person to ever hold my heart in his hands.

This impossibly beautiful man was so tempting and so forbidden that he could be the reincarnation of the devil himself. Pulling me towards what I so desperately want and crave for, but will tear everything apart. Much like Eve when she was taunted with the forbidden fruit, I was taunted with someone who was inexplicably perfect. How could the devil look so much like an angel? When he sleeps. When he smiles. When he talks. In a short period of time I had never wanted anything more than I wanted him. I'm not even sure what it was about him, it was just…him. Part of me knew this was going to happen. He didn't have to say anything or do anything, it was the feeling that came with him. He could have any girl he wanted, but he chose me. And that seemed so wrong because he granted me with his audience. And just like he gave it, he could retake it in seconds.

When I think back to our brief time together, the memories come back in flashes. They hit like gunfire, and they hurt just the same.

I pray at night. I rarely ever pray. I plead to God to give me strength. I beg him to stop the hurting. And I ask him how in so little time that someone could make me so intertwined with them that I can't bear to let them go. Sam was completely right; we weren't anything. We were nothing. So why did it hurt so much when I saw him snogging that girl, or when he looked at me with blank eyes in the tavern, or when I turn away from him? These questions haunt me every night.

I gazed up to the moon to find it staring straight back at me. We shared an unspoken promise; he promised to keep my secrets in the night. He promised to watch out for me and comfort me when I lie alone. I closed my hazel-turned-green eyes out of appreciation and felt a soft tear slide down my cheek. It left a path down and the cold air hit it menacingly. I shivered from the cold.

I used to be strong. Tears that now come easily used to be easily contained and my weak body used to be able to carry me proudly. But his simple touch had me crumbling. It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that his voice claims me so easily, and his touch not only excites me but causes ripples to course through my body only at the thought of it.

Lying on my bed, I fluttered my eyes close in hopes that sleep would claim me and take me away from reality. At least for a while. I took deep breaths, letting my chest rise and fall evenly, and slowly slipped into the dark.

~~~

I awoke in the morning still tired and unsatisfied with my slumber. Dreams did not greet me on the other side, just a horrifying darkness where no sound entered. I sat in the eerie silence until a light peeked through which signaled that it was time for me to return to actuality.

I rolled over in my plush bed and snatched my phone from the wooden old nightstand beside me. I noticed that Nate had sent me multiple texts requesting my presence over at his place. I begrudgingly agreed though I felt no desire to leave the comfort of my bed today. I figured I could delay it with a shower, so I jumped in and took my time. I enjoyed the sensation of the hot water pelting my body and savored every second of it. When I removed myself from the heaven like waters, I dried my hair and placed it into a loose braid. I didn't really care today about my appearance, but my over achieving mother had it implanted in my brain that you dress for success.

"In order for people to respect you, you have to play the part. Give them the image you want them to see you by. When walking into a situation, no matter what it is, you should always look put together. Being comfortable is irrelevant," She would tell me.

I scolded at my reflection in the mirror as I thought of the scrutinizing woman. Pushing the memories out of my still waking mind, I walked to my closet and fingered the soft clothes hanging loosely. I settled on jeans, TOMS, and a baggy white sweatshirt with pink hearts on the elbow.

I grabbed my keys, and stepped out of my home to get into the car. In short time I was at Nate's apartment.

"Hello, doll!" Nate called to me when I opened the door. My heart softened when I saw his beaming face; I walked over to him and instantly entered his open arms. He stroked my hair softly and I heard him release a throaty chuckle. I pulled back and sent him a confused stare. Nate only shrugged it off but I kept my eyes trained on his face. It was hard to believe that it had been a month since my first encounter with this man. He was slow, and gentle with me. He never pushed his boundaries, which was appreciated, but I needed to feel. I needed to feel something for once and come alive. I needed to let all of the demons out of their cage.

I bravely leaned down to his neck, now straddling him, and sucked gently. His body went rigid and his breathing stopped completely. I bite down on the soft flesh and felt a warm salty liquid surface. Nate moaned, most likely against his will, and I quickly pecked the punctured skin. Feeling my confidence grow, I rolled my hips against his, and my timid hands roamed against his hard chest. I was now looking him directly into his carmel eyes and quickly saw them glaze over. He shut them tightly, still stifling his moans. I reached the hem of his shirt, and that's when his eyes snapped open. My mouth released a quiet gasp when I noticed the dramatic change in his eyes. What was carmel was now black. He assisted my hands that were shaking with anxiety, to remove the fabric from his body. Curiosity overcame me, and I mindlessly let my small hands travel across his broad chest. I traced the ink that was etched into his skin. I identified the tattoo as the word "instant". "In" was in parenthesis as well as the "an" part. So if you read it, it read out "In an instant". The tattoo took place on his left shoulder. I would have to ask the meaning later.

Nate's face was nuzzled into my neck, and I threw my head back giving him more access. His hands slowly moved down to the bottom of my shirt, and my breathing hitched. Only blue eyes came to mind in this moment. This intimate moment that should only be shared with Nate. Not him.

He hadn't sensed my hesitation and continued to strip me of my sweater. "You're so beautiful," he whispered in my ear while stroking my sides gently. I squeezed my eyes shut, and desperately tried to let go of it all. Nate stood up, my legs wrapped firmly around him and supported me with strong hands under my bum. He carried me to his room and set me down gently on his bed. I gripped the duvet firmly, and braced myself. He only stared at me while I lay completely vulnerable beneath him. His intense gaze made my stomach churn and heat rise to my cheeks. Still, I did not cower beneath him despite my trembling limbs. He removed his pants, slowly undoing the button. He moved his face just above my most private part, and unzipped the constricting jeans. Slowly pulling them down my freshly shaven legs, he never broke eye contact with me. Still, the love I was supposed to feel in this moment was missing.

Nate quickly placed himself on top of me, supporting his weight on his elbows. Breathing no longer was easy for me as he slowly began nibbling my earlobe. His hands kept themselves busy by stroking me in a way that I have never imagined. It sent chills through me, and it felt so pleasuring. But all at once, so so wrong.

His lips captured mine in a heated kiss that had no trace of kindness to it. It as only filled with lust, hunger, and need. He bit my lip, and since I did not feel up for a fight, I regretfully allowed him to enter my mouth. He bombarded my mouth forcefully, not taking his time. My eyes were clamped shut, but I scrunched my brows together in frustration. Something like this is supposed to be loving. It's when two beings can join together and express their love for each other in the most intimate way. What Nate was doing - it was most definitely not love.

I soon realized that he fiddled with the clasp of my bra. I tried my best to make it a struggle, but his skillful hands managed to rip the fabric off. Cold air rushed at me and I gasped at the sudden loss of heat. He gazed down at me hungrily, and I squirmed. He quickly returned back to my face and placed light butterfly kisses upon any visible skin. He reached my breasts, and I felt tears pool. This is so bad. So wrong. His mouth on a place meant to be kept private sent me over the edge and the droplets fell. Nate was too busy to notice my protest, so I quickly lifted his head up from my chest, and brought his eyes to mine. Tears still flowed and he placed a a finger to my cheeks to catch them. His face did not soften, and his eyes did not return to their normal color.

"I'm sorry, baby. Do you want me to slow down?" Insincere. That's all I could hear in his hoarse voice. I nodded a yes, and Nate only moved up to kiss my lips. My eyes did not close, and I hastily push his body off me.

"Nate," I warned. He forced himself back onto me, however, which made my fury grow. "Nate, stop. I don't want this," I told him forcefully.

He looked up to me, the anger in his eyes very evident. "Well you seemed pretty damn eager earlier," he growled.

I only shook my head, and tugged my body out from beneath him. I quickly dressed myself, and prepared to walk out, but I felt myself being dragged back. I looked up dumbstruck because my brain was slowly reacting to Nate's harsh actions. He had once again placed me underneath me, and pinned me not only with his arms but his mean glare.

I was terrified. He had never been so rough with me before. Did I really want to pursue something with a man who could so easily change personas with only a simple touch? Was that the kind of man Nate really was? Or was the nice guy only an act to get me into bed?

"Wait a minute, darling. What about my needs? We're going to start this, but finish it instantly when you feel it best? No, no, no," he purred.

"But shouldn't this only take place when both people involved are okay with it? This is a joint decision. And it's to express love. Not for pleasure," I shot back feeling my confidence grow.

Nate snorted. "What is this, bible class? Come on, Mac. Sex is to pleasure."

I stared up at him horrified and felt utterly disgusted with myself. I thrashed and wriggled underneath him as Nate continued to get down on me. "Stop," he growled in my ear warningly. I ignored him and continued to struggle against his strong hold. I rolled every which way I could manage, and when Nate slightly lifted his body to remove his boxers, I threw my body off the bed and hit the floor with a hard thud. I didn't stop to tend to my growing bruises, instead I ran quickly out of the room and snatched everything of mine in sight. I bolted to my car and looked up for a split second to see Nate descending the stairs.

My instincts took over and I mindlessly got into the car. Just as he was about to reach the bottom and run to me, my car was already leaving the lot. His calls to me were pointless, and the only answer he would get is the blinding lights of my tail lights flashed into his eyes.

I wearily reached my home and sat on the floor, not even trying to make my way to the bed. I curled up into a ball, and pathetically rocked myself while I sobbed miserably.

Notes

Oh jesus. I can't handle myself right now. BUT PLEASE CONTINUE READING

The song for this chapter is "The Lonely" By Christina Perri

You can thank DOVE chocolates for making me write. I had no motivation whatsoever, so I went to eat some chocolate which happened to be little DOVE chocolates (the ones filled with carmel - I highly recommend it) and on the bottom of the wrapper are little inspirational sayings. So thank you, DOVE, for giving me the motivation. And y'all will appreciate it as well because I wrote TWO chapters. Yes, you heard me right. I will update the next chapter today. But the time really depends on the reaction I get from you lovely people ;)

And I just want you to know that I appreciate your comments very much. It really gives me a confidence boost :) And if you ever need to talk, advice on writing, if you want me to read your story, advice on school, boys, whatever. I'm here for you, girls.

Love you <3

~M