Love Will Tell Us Where To Go

I held him tighter as his body lightly shook from crying. I wish I could stop crying. I’m sure my crying doesn’t help him at all. Actually, it probably just makes it harder for him to stop. But with his every movement he lets out a quiet gasp between more tears, and every time it happens it feels like I’m being stabbed in the heart.

“I’m so sorry -” my voice cracked so badly I couldn’t continue. I cleared my throat and started over. “I’m so sorry, Harry.”

I feel so horrible. It’s not my fault, but for some reason I feel partially responsible.

Oh yeah, I am making him leave the country with me.

No, that’s not right. I’m not making him do anything. If he didn’t want to go, he wouldn’t be here.

But still…

Soon the tears subsided and his efforts to gain control of his breathing began to actually work. He backed up a few steps away from me and looked down at the floor. He wiped his eyes before looking up and out of the window.

“We can still back out you know. You don’t have to -“

“No, Megan.” he said firmly. “It’s not like that, okay? I’m not regretting anything. I’m not second guessing leaving. I just - ” He sighed heavily and walked closer to me, putting his hands on my waist.

“Everything is going to be fine. Don’t doubt that.” He kissed my forehead and forced a closed mouth smile. “I just need to be alone for a little while, okay?”

I shook my head in response. “You can go to my room if you want. I’ll cook dinner.”

“Thanks, love. You’re the best.” he kissed me lightly on the lips before heading to the stairs.

“What do you want to eat?” I asked.

“Whatever you want.” he turned back around and walked two steps before stopping and looking at me again. “I love you.”

“I love you.” I replied.

And with that, he went upstairs.

I go to the kitchen to begin cooking here for the last time.

I find it harder than I should have. I know he asked to be alone, but I hate the thought of him being so upset by himself. He could be crying again.

I guess now I know how Harry felt when I would shut him out when I was upset.

This sucks.
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It took me about thirty minutes to make our dinner. Once I was done, I hesitantly went to my room to get him. I had been anxious and ready to see him, but I didn’t want to walk in on him if he wasn’t ready yet. That’s why I knocked lightly on the door before saying, “Harry, dinner is ready.”

The sound of him standing up and walking across the room made me feel better. It was even better to see him not crying when he opened the door. “I bet it will be delicious.” he smiled more genuinely this time.

We ate in my room. I was expecting awkward silence. I figured that he wouldn’t feel like talking much for a while. Thankfully, I was wrong.

“How are you going to manage to not bring all of your clothes?” he asked with a laugh.

“It’s been so hard!” I replied. “But I don’t want us to have to deal with too much luggage at the airport. It’ll be enough of a pain as it is.”

I hate airports. I’ve been to way too many. The whole process drives me crazy. Especially when they lose some of the luggage. I swear, that better not happen.

“What if our flight gets delayed?” he asked. Apparently he’s thinking about all of the possible things that could go wrong too. And believe me, there are plenty of them that odds are, at least one will happen.

“Then we get the pleasure of spending some more time at the airport!” I replied with a fake cheerfulness.

He laughed and let out a sigh. “With the way today has been going, I feel like anything could go wrong next.”

“I’m sorry, Harry.” I didn’t want to talk about it too much to make him sad. I’m sure he has it in the back of his mind enough. He doesn’t need me to bring it up constantly.

“It’s fine. We’re fine. I’ll get to talk to them soon enough anyway…tell them why I dropped out and left.”

He’s right. This isn’t the end, it only feels like it. Once we meet my father and have things more settled over there, he’ll get to talk to them. Everything will be fine again.

Hopefully.

“Come on, now. Enough of all of this sad stuff.” he said as he stood up. “Time to help you pack!”

“After you take your plate to the kitchen.” I said with a laugh.
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“Man, your room looks like a disaster. Have I told you that already?”

“Yes. At least three times.” I playfully hit his arm and walked to the stack of what I call “undecided” clothes. I still haven’t gotten the clothes I know I’ll want to take from the cottage house, so I don’t know if I can manage to bring all of them.

“Let’s go over there now, then.” Harry said after I told him my problem.

We held hands on the way there. I looked around at the sight I knew I would be missing in mere hours. I’m excited to leave, but I will miss London so much. And this house.

Once we’re inside, we begin putting clothes and other small things in the suitcase we brought over here.

“Alright, that’s all.” I said. I turned around to see him lying on his back and looking out of the sunroof.

I walked over to him and lied down as well. I wrapped my arm around his and his hand found mine and grasped it tightly. “I’m going to miss this.” he said.

“Me too.” All of the memories I have with him as we lied on the bed looking at the sky. All the times we laughed. The times we talked about everything and nothing. The kissing.

We’re still going to do all of that stuff. The only thing changing is the location that we’re doing it in. Yet somehow, that thought doesn’t help very much.

“Remember the first time we were up here?” he asked with a smile. He also turned on his side so he can look directly at me. I do the same.

“Of course.” I replied. “It was the night I almost - ” I find it hard to finish the rest of my sentence. The more time that passes since that night, the harder it is for me to believe that it actually happened. I feel like such a different person in so many ways.

He takes my hands and encloses them in his. As our heads rest against a pillow and our breathing becomes in synch, I feel like it’s that night again. The beat of my heart gets faster as I smell that now very familiar scent of cologne.

“Remember when I was too scared to kiss you that night?” he asked.

“What are you talking about? I’m the one that made the almost kiss not happen. Well, my mother. I saw her car pull in to the drive way and told you just because I was scared.”

“Yeah, but even if she hadn’t come at that moment, I wouldn’t have went through with it. I was way too scared to. I didn’t want to come off as to forward or like I only wanted one thing. Plus…I wasn’t sure if you liked me like that or not.” His eyes averted from mine as he began to blush.

“A girl doesn’t let a guy that followed her home to make sure she was alright stay to eat dinner and then hang out in her bedroom if she doesn’t like him at least a little, ya kn - “

Suddenly his lips are against mine before I can even finish my sentence.

“What was that for?” I asked with a smile.

“I’m not scared anymore.”
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I finished packing early which gave us just enough time to relax and watch television before going to sleep. Not that we actually relaxed much. We went over exactly what we were doing a million times. Like, it was pretty ridiculous. At least we weren’t too nervous to laugh at how nervous we are.

By 10:30 neither of us were tired, but because we’ll be waking up at four for a seven thirty flight, we know it’s best to get as much sleep as we can.

We said our goodbyes to the main house and took pictures before taking all of our stuff to the
cottage house. I assume my mother won’t get home until way after we leave (she’s been away at a business meeting about an hour from here.) But I don’t want to risk it.

It’s so nice to sleep in this bed with Harry. Between him and the night sky above us, I feel so happy.

And I can’t sleep.

Harry has his eyes closed, but he might not be asleep either. It’s only been fifteen minutes, but I feel like getting to sleep is hopeless.

I stared at the sky until my eyelids became heavy. When they finally shut, it seemed like mere minutes went by before I opened them again. To my surprise, it had actually been much longer. It’s almost midnight.

I felt hope now knowing I fell asleep and stayed asleep for so long. I quickly closed my eyes and waited to lose consciousness once again.

Ten minutes later, it still doesn’t happen.

I can’t take this anymore.

I looked over to see that Harry is fast asleep. Luckily I’m on the side of the bed that allows me to get out. I somehow managed to do it without waking him up.

I hadn’t planned where I was going or what I was going to do. But as soon as I reached the door, I knew.

Was it stupid to go all the way to the main house just to be on the rooftop terrace? Yes. Did that stop me? No.

I don't consider the weather and what I'm wearing until I reach the door. Pajama shorts and a t-shirt will have to due.

It's pretty cold, but the wind isn't blowing so that helps. Although it did kind of suck to get warm when I walked in the main house just to get cold again when I walked out onto the terrace.

I walked over to the seats around the edge. The flowers that once adorned the edge are now gone. I sat down and turned so I can look down. I haven't looked down there much since that night. Not this close to edge anyway.

I wanted to jump. I wanted to be on that ground. I wanted my last moments in life to be spent hurling through the air before slamming hard against the concrete.
Did I even consider how much it would hurt? What if I had stayed alive a few more seconds, even minutes after hitting the ground? I might have lived. How bad would my injuries had been?

What was I thinking?

I wasn't.

But how?

How can you not think about doing something so drastic? Maybe that's the only way anyone can do something like that. Not think about it.

I can't believe that person was me. The person I am now could never take her own life.
As much as I owe my drastic change to Harry's presence in my life, I can't give him all of the credit.

He wasn't the one who stopped me from jumping, I stopped myself. He was there to comfort me afterwards, but he didn't save me; I saved myself. I was the one strong enough to convince myself that life was still worth living despite not being able to think of a single reason.

It's taken me a while to realize that. For the longest time I somehow thought that without Harry, I would be dead. It was during our short break up that I realized I could not be more wrong.
I was so sad. Depressed, really. His absence in my life left me feeling more empty and alone than ever. But I knew...I knew deep down in my heart that I was strong. That I could live without him if I had to.

It's hard being a girl and not getting caught up in the fantasy of a guy one day swooping in and saving you. We've been taught that the only way to be happy and complete is to have a guy come and fix us. That's not true. Harry can't fix me. Only I can do that.

But man, am I thankful that I get to have him alongside me on my journey.

Because that's what this has been...a journey. Learning that sometimes life sucks and doesn't always gives you the best situations, but that you shouldn't let any of that stop you. You take what you're given, even the bad, and you find a way to make things better.

I jump when I hear the creak of the door opening. "Aw, did I wake you up? I'm sorry."

He walked up to me and I see he is wearing his pajama bottoms and a t-shirt he put on just to come outside.

"What are you doing out here, silly?" he asked as he sat behind me.

"I couldn't sleep. I was thinking to much."

He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close. It's gotten chillier since I first came out here.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" he asked.

"No...thanks, though." I turned my head and kissed his cheek.

"I'm going to miss this place. It's much nicer when I'm not up here planning on doing something stupid." I added.

"Me too." he replied. "I'm going to miss everything about this place."

"It's just such a great place. Definitely the best place I've ever lived."

"Now that really says something." he said with a laugh.

I want to laugh, but I can't. I hate the thought of anyone else living in this house. Cooking in the kitchen. Sleeping in the bedrooms. Sitting here. All of it feels like mine for the first time, and I'm not ready to give it up yet.

"Isn't it strange how the people who will live here next will have no idea what happened here before they moved in? All of the happy moments we've had...the sad...they won't even know who we were or how much we loved this place." I said as I looked around at the swaying trees. The wind is picking up.

"Stay right here." Harry said suddenly before racing to the door and disappearing. As sad as I am, I laughed at how quick he left. What could he possibly be doing?

I waited what seemed like a few minutes. Much longer than I expected to wait, anyway. He finally comes back just as I was about to go find him.

"What are you going to do with a sharpie?" I asked.

Instead of answering, he proceeded to sit back down next to me and wrote his name then an "and" after it. "Your turn!" he exclaimed. I smiled from ear to ear as I realized what we were doing. We were leaving our mark. The next people that live here will know.

I wrote my name and hesitated as I tried to come up with what, if anything, to add to it.

And then I knew what to do.

Very carefully and slowly I drew the infinity symbol.

I looked up at Harry when I finished. He was already looking at me. My heart skipped when our eyes met. And then his lips were against mine.

"I love you." he said as he shivered. The temperature had dropped considerably.

"We better go back inside." I said right before a raindrop fell on my head. I looked up at the dark cloudy sky just as rain began to heavily fall.

Before I could say a word, Harry grabbed my hand and lead me back inside.

"We're going to get so wet!" I said laughing.

"Oh, really? I hadn't noticed." he replied sarcastically.
We made our way to the door and waited just a bit in hopes the rain would lighten up.

It didn't.

"Maybe we should - " I started to say before he grabbed my hand and said, "Let's go."

We ran as fast as we could. My hair got in my face and I could barely see. We almost tripped several times. Just when we were a few feet away from the door, Harry made a sudden stop.

"What are you doing?" I asked through laughter.

"This." he said as he closed the space between us. He placed his hands on my face and began to kiss me.

"I've always wanted to do that." he said after the kiss that lasted a long time, especially considering how concerned we were about getting wet. Not that I still cared about that anymore.

"Me too." I said smiling from ear to ear. We began to kiss again when there was lightening. That got it back inside.

"Your hair!" I exclaimed once we were inside. His hair looked so different wet.

“Shut up!” he replied with a smile. “Go change. I’ll take the wet clothes and put them somewhere to dry. They should be dry enough later so we can put them in one of the suitcases.” Harry said.

I went to my room and changed while Harry went to the bathroom. I dried my hair with a hairdryer that wasn’t packed while he put our wet clothes somewhere.

“Come here!” I said when he came back. “I want to dry your hair too!”

“But if you do it wrong my hair will be really messed up.” he said as he walked over to me.

“Just let me do it a little bit! Please?” I asked.

“Fine!” he replied. “But if I end up looking like a weirdo in the airport, it’s all your fault.”

I let him sit in the bean bag I was just in and I’m on my knees in front of him. I try styling his hair so it will dry in the correct place, but I end up just running my hands through his hair more than anything. After a while I get tired of holding the hairdryer and turn it off before setting it down.

“It’s still a bit wet, but I think it will have to due. We really need to go to sleep.” I said as I ran my hands through his hair to check if it was dry enough.

That, and I just really like running my hands through his hair.

We make eye contact and suddenly my heart stops. I love him. I love him so much. We’re going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine.

Sleep is suddenly the last thing on my mind as I begin to kiss him. Most of my body rests
against his as his arms wrap around me.

I’m honestly not sure how long this goes on.

Somehow we both become aware of how badly we need to sleep at the same time and stop to look at the clock. “Oh, wow. It’s 1:30. We have to go to bed right now." I said.

“Definitely.” he replied. “And what a great way to end the night.” he said with a smirk.

“I couldn’t agree more.”
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I ended up falling asleep pretty quickly this time. Harry holding me close to him and the sound of the rain calmed me down despite how nervous I was about what we would be doing hours from now.

While I was relieved by how fast I fell asleep, the dream that immediately greeted me was not the kind I need right now.

It felt so real. Harry and I were going to the airport, doing all of the things we planned on doing, except a million things went wrong. I was almost ready to quit, right when a voice in my head said: “We can do it.”

And with that, my dream started over from the beginning. Harry and I were back at my house getting ready to leave. Except this time, nothing went wrong. The dream ended with us kissing as the plane we were in took off.

“We did it, love. I knew we could do it.” Harry said just before the dream ended.

I wake up feeling more assured than ever.

Notes