Love Will Tell Us Where To Go

It takes me a second to realize I dropped the paper before I pick it up. Harry and Chloe are staring at me in shock. “I - just stay right here. I - I need to be alone right now.”

I don’t give them time to respond. I hurry inside and go upstairs and in my bedroom. I lock the door and sink to the floor with my back against the wall for support. I look down at the paper in my hands.

I force myself to focus on the words that seem to blur at ever glance. This has to be a sick joke. Or maybe I’m dreaming. This can’t be real.

After closing my eyes and taking some deep breaths, I’m calm enough to read.

Dear Megan,
I’m not quite sure how I’m suppose to go about telling you this, so I’m just going to go ahead and let you know… I am your father.

I imagine this is a lot for you to take in. I have no idea if you know who I am already, but I suspect that you don’t. Either way, this can’t be any easy way to hear from your father for the first time. I know it wasn’t easy for me when I found out that you are my daughter.

As if that isn’t hard enough to take, I have something else to tell you. I imagine that you think I abandoned you and your mother. However, that is not the case. I am sorry to say that I was not told that you were my daughter until very recently.

I live in Shorewood, Minnesota, the place where your mom lived until she graduated. One day when I was at the mall in Minneapolis Christmas shopping, I ran into one of my old friends from high school. Well, one of your mom’s old friends. She asked me how I was and all of the other usual questions people ask those they run into who they were never really close to in the first place. That is, until she asked me about you.

I thought she was crazy. I knew that Charlotte had a child of course, that’s why she left me, but what I didn’t know was that the child was mine. This is the tough news I wish I didn’t have to give you.

Your mom lied to me, Megan. She told me that the child was someone else’s. I know this is hard to process, but you have to believe me. I never would have left you guys if I had known. I was even going to stay when I was told the child wasn’t mine and that the father wanted nothing to do with her anymore, but she insisted she didn’t need anyone.

You need to know that I’m not the kind of guy your mom was normally seen with. She was a popular cheerleader, and I was considered a nerd. The reason we started spending time with each other is because I became her math tutor. She was failing so they made her get one.

She was so against it at first. But after a while we started to get along. I could tell she liked me, but I wasn’t sure until I started to realize just how smart she actually was. She didn’t need a tutor. Not really. She was failing, but not because she didn’t know what she was doing. She just spent too much of her time going out with her friends which caused her to do poorly. Even when she started making better grades she wanted me to continue to tutor her despite the fact it was obvious she didn’t need me.

Anyway, we eventually became more than friends, but not publicly. Only her closest friends knew about us. I was so stupid to think that there was nothing wrong with that. But she was just so good at manipulating me into thinking it was for the best.

After convincing your mom’s friend that it was better for her to tell me the truth now that she had let part of it slip, I went into shock. Your mom had told her that once you were just a little older, she was tell me that I was the father. Yet another lie.

I’m sorry Megan. I am so sorry that this is how you have to meet me. I was going to tell you in person, but then I remembered how I felt being told out of the blue about you, and thought it would be best to find out in a letter first.

It was so hard to do though. I chose to do it this way at the last second. I even came to London. In fact, I’m here right now as I write this. That’s why this letter is here. I wanted to make sure that you and only you got it. I don’t trust your mom. Sorry, but I don’t.

I don’t know how your relationship with her is, but I’m sorry for talking about her badly. Just please try to see things from my point of view.

I would love to meet you, Megan. I hope you’d like to meet me. I understand if you need some time to process this. Take your time. Whenever you are ready, you give me a call or a letter and I will be back in London as soon as I can.

There is one more thing I think you should know. I am married to a woman named Annabel. We’ve been married for eleven years. She is pregnant with our first child.

I am here for you, Megan. I know that I haven’t been for so long, but I promise it was not by choice. I love you, and if you ever need me, do not hesitate to call me.

My number and address are on the bottom of the letter. I hope that you will contact me.

Love, your father

It takes me a while to realize that Harry and Chloe are knocking on the door and talking to me. I don’t want to move or speak. I don’t think I even know how to right now.

But I do. Move, anyway. I slowly stand to my feet and with greater force than normally necessary move my arm towards the door knob and turn it. My body feels like it weighs a ton. I feel like I’m dreaming.

I silently hand the letter to Harry before sliding down onto the floor just like I had in my bedroom, except now I am in the hall. I bring my knees towards my body and wrap my arms tightly around them. I feel like I’ll fall apart if I move and this is the only way to keep myself whole.

Lies. Everything she told me was a lie. He didn’t leave us. He didn’t even know I was his. How can anyone be so cruel?

He was even going to stay when he thought my mom would have to raise me by himself. That just shows how much he cared about my mom. And what does she do in return? Lies.

I have never gotten along with my mother. We have never been close. Even at a young age I was closer to the nannies I had than her. Then she leaves me with no one and expects me to be fine with it. I always knew she wasn’t a loving person, but now… I have never been so disgusted by anyone.

Harry and Chloe are both reading the letter at the same time. I don’t watch them for their reaction though. After glancing once I never look back. Instead I focus on a random spot on the wall across from me. The more I do the more out of focus everything becomes. My thoughts are scattered so much I can’t even process any of them.

My daze is broken by Harry when he makes his way to me. I catch him with my peripheral vision but continue to look forward. I’m scared that if I look at him or try to speak I’ll fall apart.

He sits next to me with his legs stretched out in front of him. The letter isn’t in his hands. Chloe must have it. Just when I begin to wonder if he’ll ever speak, his arm is suddenly around me
and is pulling me towards him. I go more than willingly.

I bury my head in his neck as he cradles me in his lap. I’m shocked by my lack of tears. I guess there’s a certain kind of shocking news that goes beyond tears. To me, feeling empty and being unable to cry is the worst kind of sadness.

He rubs my back lightly as I try to muster up some words. A single word. Anything. But I honestly don’t even know where to begin.

“I love you, Megan.” he whispers in my ear. “I love you, and I am always here for you. I’m - I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I just -“

“I love you.” I whisper back. “That’s all I need to hear.”

I pull back and look at him. I would be so lost without him. I kiss his cheek and stand up.

I walk over to Chloe who is staring intensely at the paper in her hands. Without a word, I wrap my arms around her and she does the same.

“I’m so sorry, Megan.” she says with a sniffle. “He even lives in the same city I do. He’s been there the whole time and - “

“Thank you for being my best friend. I love you, Chloe. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

I really don’t. She’s the only person who has been there for me until I met Harry.

After we pull away I see a single tear stream down her face. How have I not cried yet?

“Come on, let’s go in here.” Harry says as he walks in my bedroom.

I sit on the floor with my back against the bed. Harry sits next to me and intertwines our hands that rest on my lap. Chloe takes the bean bag I got myself for Christmas and brings it closer to us before sitting.

After some silence Harry speaks up. “Megan…do you have anything you want to say or…talk about?”

I’m sure there is. Too many, actually. But my brain and mouth aren’t working together right now. My brain is so full of questions and things to talk about it feels like it’s going to explode. However my mouth is desperate to stay closed. It’s like the energy to move them is too much.

“Can we just…not talk about it right now. I want to just…watch a movie. Anything I just…I want to be distracted for a while.”

“Whatever you want to do is what we’ll do, love.” he says before standing up and extending his hand to help me up.

We go downstairs and put in a movie. It only holds my attention for a few minutes. Soon I’m back to the racing thoughts in my mind. I don’t mind it as much. They think I’m paying attention to the movie. It makes sorting out my thoughts easier.

The more I take apart and dissect each individual thought, the less sad I am. The less sad I am, the angrier I am.

By the time the movie is over, I am beyond ready to tell them what’s on my mind.

I grab the remote and turn off the television. I can tell Harry and Chloe look concerned, but I don’t give them time to say anything.

“We need to figure out how and when we are going to America and we need to figure it out by the end of the night.”

Notes