When the winds are breathing low

“ Are you ready? I have to walk you to your doctors office.”- said Angella peaking her head into my hospital room. I have to say the room is pretty good- it's all modern and bright so it makes you feel just a bit more comfortable. But seeing doctors and sick patients all day helps you to remember where you really are and why.

“ Yeahh, let's go”- I responded and got out of my bed. I was feeling a bit dizzy from tiredness after the night I had... I decided that I just need to power-through it -” Soo, tell me about your big fancy date with your boyfriend! Every single time I would forget to ask you... How did it go?”

“ Well, he proposed!!”- Ange said and I screamed a little. I immediately hugged her and took her hand to look at the ring.

“Heyy, where's that ring?”- I sadly let her hand go.

“ Hospital rules, no rings.”- she said but opened her phone to show me a picture of it. We talked about her date till we reached Dr. Florettes office and parted our ways.

“ So, how are you feeling today?”

“ 'M fine”- I half huff. Lately I've been really mean to people, unintentionally of course. I'm just sick of being sick, I'm tired of all those scans and needles and tests. And medicine makes me feel weird. And everyone just keeps asking me “How are you?” or “How are you doing today?” I mean, how can I be doing?

“ How has the treatment been going? How are you feeling after the first day?”- Dr. Florette asked. She was a very interesting woman. Young, fit and beautiful on the outside but on the inside... she was witty, friendly and so smart. Not only smart like book smart but she knew every single advice there could be in the universe. When you talked to her she would make you feel like we're just two old friends and not a doctor and a patient.

“ It's good, I've been puking and getting no sleep all night. Just the dream.”- I reply and rest my head in my palms. Yes, I knew what to expect from the treatment, I've been informed a lot of times but it's just hard. It's hard knowing that you are living on counted days. And that you'll feel like this all the time.

“ Okay, don't worry, I'll write you some pills to help with that, but any other side effects?”- she asked while writing down something on a paper.

“ Umm, my nurse said that my pulse is a bit faster than usual but other than that everything's fine”- I shrugged my shoulders. So far the constant nausea is the only thing that bothers me. My treatment started yesterday morning and I felt totally fine... until my last dose of the day. My whole night was spent hugging a bucket that Angella gave to me and I only fell asleep at 5 a.m. Then at 8 a.m. I was woken up to start my IL-2 doses again.

“ That's good then, no extreme side effects so it means we can proceed the treatment just fine”- Dr. Florette said and stood up to take my file with from her bookshelf. She took my scans and looked at them once again. I probably have everything memorized on that file: Patient Otilia Althea Lapos, 24 years old, stage IV metastatic melanoma with metastases to the liver, brain, and skin giving a chance of survival- 5%. Patient is on IL-2 treatment for the first five days until her surgery to remove metastases from the brain and other parts of body.

After a couple of minutes studying my file she sat down again and looked at me. I looked back at her and raised my eyebrow.

“ Is there really no family or friends that we could call? You know that you will need all the help and support. I really mean it when I say that doing all this alone is not an option especially when you'll leave to go back home for a few days or a week. We are not sure what can happen to you, you will need someone to look after you.”- she tried to really get to my head. She always does that, she tries to make me emotional and brake me to finally telling this to my friends. I have to say that a few times I really thought about doing it but being such a burden? I don't know if I can do it to anyone.

“Um, no, not really. I don't want to be a dying responsibility on anyone. It's just going to be hard and tiring for them so I ran to face it by myself.” I explained.

“ Because I could not stop for Death
He kindly stopped for me
The Carriage held but just Ourselves
And Immortality. “ - Flotette declaimed. I curiously looked at her and waited for her to continue.- "That's what I thought when I saw you walk inside this room for the very first time. It's a poem by Emily Dickinson. It's about how Death stops and picks up the speaker on his ride and they travel through a lot of places. They traveled for a lot of centuries until he takes her to her headstone. It just popped into my head because when I saw you I saw life in your eyes. And then you explained that you came alone. It just fits you so well. I know that you may not see it when you look at a mirror but I see your eyes sparkling with life. You still have life. Death is not here to pick you up. He'll be patiently waiting because it's not your time to ride with him.”

I felt something unusual in my chest. I haven't felt it since I got diagnosed. I felt... hope? I guess it is... I felt a weird rush of adrenaline going though my body. Like I just realized that I really still have time and I may even get out of here and have a chance. The only words that I managed to say in this moment was:”Thank you”.

“ You would not believe how many miracles happen everyday. Even in our sphere of work. You just have to fight and believe, that's all I'm asking for.”- she said.

Today is September 22 and today I decided that I will see Harry again.

Notes

Hii, here I am with a new chapter! Hope you'll enjoy:)

With love,
Otilia.