Sorry it took so long my internet was down. And I really haven’t had time with work and such but I hope you enjoy +++++++ We have been on tour for a few weeks. Well, almost two months. So you are probably wondering what happened at the hospital before we left. Bridgette and Harry came with me when we went to the hospital. I needed some answers. I needed to know all I needed to know about where Hayden was. For all I know she could’ve died. Wait…I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want to process another person I love dying. Dying within my reach and trying not to help. I failed once. I’m not going to fail again. I promised her. I can’t break a promise. I mean I don’t break promises. I will never break a promise. The trip to the hospital was somewhat informative. I mean we were told something that we weren’t expecting. I mean we aren’t back to square one if that’s what you are thinking. Let’s just say that we got pushed a little off to the side by this piece of information. We walked through the hospital doors and went to the front desk to ask how to get to the mother and child floor. The nurse looked at us and told us where to go. At first she told us that we had no business going up there. Children like us didn’t belong there. I wasn’t a child. I was an adult and I need information. After Bridgette convinced the nurse saying that we needed to talk to Dr. Ginger about a patient she had. We took the elevator up to the floor that was the Mother and Child floor. It was decorated in pink I guess for all the women that were going to be coming here. It was a pretty busy morning on this floor. There were nurses rushing in and out of rooms trying to get from one patient to the next. A few new mothers were rolled passed us as they were on their way to the elevator with their husbands behind them and the babies in their seats. I couldn’t help but think that that could’ve been Judith and me. I imagined Judith sitting in the wheelchair holding on to the car-seat that cradled Hayden as I wheeled them to the elevator to bring them home. The smile on Judith’s face as she looked at the beautiful two-day old baby that was quietly sleeping in the car-seat as we tried to tuck Hayden into the car. She would’ve been so proud to have her daughter. Then Judith would sit in the back trying to hush the baby as I drove us home. One big happy family. I felt the tears well up in my eyes but I couldn’t break down in front of new moms and their babies. Then there would be questions and it would make me seem like a wuss. I would get laughed at by Harry for the rest of tour and it hasn’t even started yet. But I still can’t help but think about what my life would’ve been like if Judith wasn’t supposed to die and she in fact told me about our daughter and that she wanted my help to raise her. I would’ve helped Judith raise her. I mean we were meant to be a family. But sometimes things that are meant to be don’t necessarily because we get thrown a curveball. And our lives spiral out of control. But sometimes we can find ways to make it similar to what could’ve happened but not having every piece of it. It would be almost perfect. But being almost perfect is better than not being perfect. And Judith was perfect whether she knew it or not. She was perfect to me. The three of us sat in the waiting room waiting for Dr. Ginger to appear. She was finishing up delivering a baby of a couple who supposedly been trying to have a baby for three years. Their family was right next to us and they were telling us about how excited they were to finally have a new baby in their family. The grandmother of the baby, I assumed because she was crying when the father came out, told me about her son and how he married his high school sweetheart. They were together for seven years until they got married. They didn’t think that they could have a child because they were trying for so long. It was a miracle that the mother of the baby was in fact pregnant and she tried in her power to make sure everything went smoothly. In the end they had a healthy baby boy. The happy grandmother looked over at me, “So who is having a baby?” “Uhhh,” I stuttered, “None. I need to speak to Dr. Ginger about a baby that was born a few months ago.” “What happened?” she asked “Well, my girlfriend was pregnant and she never told me,” I answered truthfully. “And did your girlfriend run off with the baby?” she asked. “No,” I felt my throat become clogged with my sorrow, “My girlfriend passed away a few months ago from a tumor but after she gave birth she gave our baby up for adoption.” “Oh I’m so sorry,” the old woman patted my shoulder, “I hope you find the baby.” “I do too,” I spoke. She smiled at me and then she left me sitting there next to my two friends because she was instructed to go see her new grandchild. I wonder what it feels like to hold a new baby in your arms. Looking down at their beautiful delicate face. As they peek open their eyes to catch a glimpse of who’s holding them. They start to register the features of your face, remembering who you are so that when they are older they remember you. Remember that you held them for the first time. That you are in fact family. My eyes then met a much older looking woman. She had just slipped on her doctor’s coat and her badge flickered underneath the horrible lighting, shining in my irises. She smiled at the three of us sitting closely near each other. She must have thought that we were with the other family when in fact we were here for an entirely different reason. Bridgette then spoke to her telling her that we had a few questions about a baby that was born a few months ago because I wasn’t ready to say anything out loud. I was still trying to grasp the reality that I have a daughter. That I was searching for her. And sitting in his hospital as families of the mother and child smile when they hear that a baby has been brought into the world just tears me apart. I could’ve been like this. I could’ve been in the delivery room with my girlfriend watching my baby be born. Watching my whole life change in front of my eyes. But I won’t ever experience that. I won’t ever feel the joy and happiness of holding your first newborn in your arms and smiling down at them. I lost the love of my life and I can’t see myself falling for another person again. Harry grabbed my arm and he dragged me to the office of Dr. Melinda Ginger. She held the door open for us as the three of us stepped inside. She had three chairs in this room. There was one for each of us. She sat down in her chair and turned on her computer. The computer made a humming noise and the reflection of the blue screen bounced off Dr. Ginger’s face. I then heard clicking and she was probably going into the filing system the hospital had. She then looked up from the computer and looked at Bridgette. “What day am I looking for?” she asked “May 3rd,” Bridgette spat out. The third of May was mine and Judith’s year anniversary. This was the first time I met her, in her flat, when she moved to London. This was the first glimpse I had of her. Watching her as she watched the people float around her living room all having fun. She just sat there waiting for someone to talk to her. Someone to strike a conversation with her. She was waiting. But no one came. I mean I was going to talk to her but I chickened out. It wasn’t until everyone left when I felt comfortable talking with her. “What was the mother’s name?” Dr. Ginger asked “Judith Quinn,” Bridgette responded. “Okay this may take a few minutes,” Dr. Ginger replied. We sat there and waited. Dr. Ginger tapped away on her keyboard. She was scrolling and scrolling endless amounts of names trying to find Judith Quinn on her patient sheet for May 3rd. She huffed to herself trying to scroll through the countless names that were admitted to the hospital for labor or any other illness or problem. “It says here that she was admitted to the Cancer portion of the hospital,” Dr. Ginger spoke. “Yes she was dying but she gave birth to the baby before she died,” Bridgette responded, “I’m pretty sure they wheeled her up here when she went into labor because of all the equipment needed for the baby once she came out. See she had fallen the day before they took out the baby. They wanted to make sure everything was okay. She was seven and a half months pregnant. The survival rate was quite risky but we didn’t hear what happened. You or a colleague did the surgery to remove her baby but we never got clarification on what happened. Judith wanted to give the baby up for adoption.” “Okay, I understand,” the doctor answered, “We have a lot of these cases where the mother doesn’t want to see the child after the child has been removed from the womb. Your friend you said was dying so maybe she didn’t want to see the baby because she knew that she was leaving it behind.” “No, she did hold her once,” Bridgette replied, “It was a month or so after. The nurse told Jude that the baby was doing quite well and that if they wanted they could wheel her up to go see her. Judith agreed and that afternoon she went to go visit her. She was wheeled up next to where the baby was laying because the baby was still week and it couldn’t be touched. She was still on a machine but she was doing quite well. She was gaining weight and she was starting to become a baby. A person. Judith talked to her for a while but then the machines on the baby started making noises and the nurse took us out of there. That was the last we ever saw of her.” “Well I’m sorry to hear that,” Dr. Ginger answered, “Let me see if I can get some information for you.” “Judith told the hospital to let someone adopt her, like a family who can’t have children since she wasn’t going to be around to take care of her,” Bridgette spoke and her voice hitched a bit as she reminded herself of her friend. I sat there stricken with fear that the doctor wasn’t going to be able to find anything. Wasn’t going to be able to give us anything. Wasn’t going to be able to bring me a step closer to finding Hayden. I replayed what Bridgette told the doctor in my mind. She knew so much more then I had realized. She knew what the baby looked like. She was there holding Judith’s hand through the whole thing. And here I sit the father of the baby and I know nothing about this. In this case I was just the sperm donor. The one who just added some of their genetic material to create a human being. After all it takes an egg and a sperm to create a baby. And I was just the sperm part of it. But I don’t want to be the sperm part of it. I want to be a part of Hayden’s growing up. Judith may not be here to watch our daughter grow but I am. And I will try all in my power to find her and help raise her. I will be more than just the sperm that gave her half of her genetic material. I will be more than people think I would be. I will be a father even though she already has one. I will be there for her because I love her. I love her more than words can describe. I love her like l love her mother. To the moon and back. Forever and always. After a few minutes the doctor stopped clicking and scrolling on her computer. She made one final click. I guess she found the file she was looking for. She looked up at us and just smiled. Was this a good news smile? Or was this a ‘I’m terribly sorry but I can’t find anything about your daughter’ smile? “I got some news for you,” she spoke. “What?” I muttered for the first time since our visit “You are Niall I’m guessing?” she asked “Yes,” I answered, “And how do you know.” “Scrolling through these names and after hearing your friends story here I realized something,” the doctor spoke, “I remember the girl Judith.” “What do you remember?” I asked “I remember that during the C-Section she was telling your friend here,” she pointed to Bridgette, “About some boy named Niall. She kept saying that he deserved to know but she didn’t want to burden you. She kept saying that he would’ve made a wonderful father and that after she died, he would know about her.” “Oh,” I answered. “There was another thing,” Dr. Ginger stated, “Bridgette you were out of the room. I was talking to Judith about the adoption paper for the baby and she told me something very important. She told me that once she passes away she knows that Niall will come looking for answers and that I would have to give him all I know about the baby because he wants to know all about the baby. She also said to tell you, Niall, that if you did by chance come here to speak with me to tell you that she was sorry for not telling you and to say that all my answers are in fact true and that I know nothing more than what is on this computer screen. And she said for you not to get mad at me if I don’t tell you everything because in fact I don’t know everything.” I stared at the doctor in front of me. She had spoken to Judith before she died. She knows the truth behind what happened to our baby and whatever I get from her I should accept it and be grateful because it is more than I had yesterday. We can only move forward. We can’t move back. “So what do you know?” I asked politely “The family that adopted your baby gave us a name. The wife’s name is Christine Waters and her husband’s name is Chandler Waters. They didn’t leave an address when in fact we don’t need one for adoption. They seemed out of towners because they didn’t have an accent like most people do here. I don’t know what kind of accent they had or where they were from. I only have names. And since it’s a closed adoption where the mother and father want no communication with the adoptive parents, we are lucky we got a name,” she replied. How can you not get where they lived? How can you not? I mean don’t you need to check up on her to make sure she is okay? I mean what are the odds that the baby was adopted at all. What if they are fake names? What if they don’t really exist and they just hijacked a baby? What kind of establishment is this? “Did the baby leave named at least?” I asked “The adoptive parents stuck with the name Judith gave her,” she answered. I looked at Bridgette and she looked at me. We didn’t know Judith named the baby. “Judith didn’t name the baby,” Bridgette answered. “Oh wait!” Dr. Ginger exclaimed, “She named the baby on the same exact day I visited her when you weren’t around.” “So what did she name her?” I asked politely again. The doctor was about to speak as if she knew the name but she reverted her eyes back to the computer screen. She confirmed that she was right after she checked one last time. Her eyes fixated onto mine and she smiled, “Hayden.” +++++++++++++ Hello Cupcakes so I hoped you enjoyed yet another chapter of Finding ‘Her’ I mean I think this story is coming along nice don’t you? I mean I have some ideas on what’s to come but you must wait my friends. You must wait and see what unfolds. And I apologize in advance for any boring chapters because I truly don’t mean to write them it’s just I want to add substance to a story. I want readers to see how the characters feel because they are in fact the main reason why the story is alive. They build the story into a masterpiece and they are the central idea of the story. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. So VOTE, COMMENT, and SHARE. Because I love you guys and I really like that people are reading it. Thank you, you guys are the best. Love ya cupcakes!! Beckyy xx