P.S.

After closing the bedroom door behind her, Olivia slunk to the floor and covered her face with her hands. She felt sick and ashamed at her disregard for Ben. How unfair she was to him. She hadn’t meant to tell Harry her true feelings. Those were deep, dark secrets she was meant to keep buried forever. She said yes to Ben. She made the choice to marry him, to one day have a family and a happy life with him. Thoughts of what could have been with Harry should not be on her mind. The memories of him and her should have faded. But even before the chance meeting at the little coffee shop, the memories hadn’t even begun to diminish from her mind.

She breathed out a quiet sigh. She didn’t know how she would find sleep with Harry just steps away, but she stood up and walked towards the bed. The sooner she found sleep, the sooner she could leave Harry and focus on her life without him.

Olivia picked up the folded clothes on the end of the bed. A T-shirt and sweatpants, both belonging to Harry. He’d laid them out for her, ensuring she had a comfortable night. His thoughtfulness was so endearing. She sighed again, holding the shirt to her face. Somehow, even though the shirt smelled of laundry detergent, it also had his scent. What was he doing to her?

As Olivia disappeared into the guest bedroom, Harry flopped back onto the couch. He ran his hands through his hair as he replayed the words she’d spoken. How could it always be him if it wasn’t him anymore? Had he really given up on her too easily?

He groaned loudly, wondering what would have happened if he hadn’t listened to his friends, and tried to contact Olivia after their break up. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d drafted a text message or rehearsed a speech, only have a friend tell him that there were plenty of other fish in the sea and he needed to get under someone else to get over her.
And so, he listened. He got under this girl, and that girl, and they got under him. He had a very public rebound and broke Olivia’s heart further. How she even still spoke to him after that affair baffled Harry. He didn’t deserve her. But still, he wanted her.

He rolled off the couch and started down the hall. He stopped in front of the guest bedroom, exhaling as he pressed his hand against the closed door. It took everything he had to not open the door and curl up next to his love. It was the ultimate form of torture; having her just on the other side of a door and being unable to do a thing about it.

Harry sighed again, casting a forlorn glance at the door before trudging down the hall to his own bedroom. He didn’t think he would be able to sleep, and he hoped Olivia would still be in his home come morning. But he knew she wouldn’t be.

~*~*~*~

Olivia had set her phone alarm for five in the morning, but she didn’t need the loud tone to rouse her. She might have found a few winks of sleep but she couldn’t be sure. Guilty thoughts of being with Harry consumed her mind, and if it wasn’t for the ring on her left hand weighing her down, she’d have been down the hall with him.

She peered out the window, relieved to see clear streets and a few vehicles. The snow was still falling, but not near as bad as it had the night before. She hoped the venture home wouldn’t be too terrible, but she had to leave before Harry awoke.

As quiet as she was able, Olivia crept out of the bedroom. The apartment was dark and the door to Harry’s remained closed. She breathed out a sigh, a mixture of relief and disappointment, as she gathered her belongings. She opened the front door, hating that she wished she was staying. With another quiet exhale, Olivia stepped into the hallway and, as the door locked behind her, there was no turning back.

Harry stirred, the sound of the front door awakening him. He let out a grumbled groan as he realised what the sound was. He pushed off the covers and plodded out of the bedroom. The guest bedroom door was open ajar, but when he pushed it open, he saw the empty bed, perfectly made. There was no evidence Olivia had been a guest in his home, and if his feelings hadn’t been so strong, he would almost believe it was all a dream.

He leaned against the doorjamb, sighing. He’d expected her to have left, of course, but he wished his belief would have been wrong. His heart felt as empty as the bed Olivia had slept in.

Fuck, he thought to himself, slamming his hand against the door with more force than he intended. He hadn’t ever gotten over Olivia, but he’d been able to push her from the forefront of his mind. Now, she was right back at the front and he was not sure he could push her away this time.

He huffed back into the bedroom, opening a dresser drawer and pawing through it until he found the rectangle box. He stroked the velvet along the top of the box before opening it up, revealing the Tiffany’s necklace he’d given to Olivia so many years before. She had left it at his house in Los Angeles and he’d always wanted to give it back to her. Had he not opened his big mouth last night and kept things cordial, like Olivia wanted, he could have given it to her then.

But, as usual, he ruined everything.

He touched the centre charm, remembering how beautiful Olivia looked the night of his premiere. It had been one of the best nights of his life. He wished they’d had more nights like that together. He wished they’d had more nights together, period.

Fuck, he missed her.

He closed the box and stuffed it back into the deep recesses of the dresser, ensuring nobody but he knew of its whereabouts. He still hoped to give it back to her one day, but today would not be that day.

~*~*~*~

“Hey, babe.”

Olivia flopped onto her bed, cold and tired. “Hey,” she greeted, holding her phone against her cheek as she curled up against the pillows. “My phone died last night, sorry,” she added, her stomach twisting as she spoke a lie to Ben.

“S’okay,” Ben assured her, sounding as though he was stifling a yawn. “How was your night with your sisters?”

Olivia’s stomach continued to twist as she carried on her lie to her fiancé. “It was fine,” she lied, pressing her hand against her stomach to rid the tumbling. “We just hung out… did sister stuff, watched movies. Nothing major…” she said, trailing off. How Ben didn’t pick up on her lies was beyond her. She was a terrible liar – though it was easier to lie over the phone than face to face.

“Sounds decent,” Ben commented, letting out a loud yawn. “Ugh, sorry babe. Long night,” he told her. That was all he would tell her. Ben never divulged much information about his shifts. Ben never divulged much information about anything. He was a quiet man who kept many of his thoughts to himself – a stark contrast from Harry, who often forgot how to bite his tongue.

Ben’s silence was often frustrating, but Olivia had given up long ago on getting him to open up to her. He showed his emotions and feelings in ways other than words. He took great care of Olivia, maintaining her vehicle, or taking over painting the bathroom because he knew she hated it. She knew he loved her, but she wished she could hear it, rather than assume it.

“No worries,” Olivia replied, releasing a yawn of her own. “Me too, apparently,” she added with a short chuckle. It had been, but Ben would never find out why.

Ben laughed. “Guess they’re contagious even over the phone, eh?”

Olivia snickered, standing up as she heard a knock on her door. Jessica and Stephanie, she presumed. “Guess so,” she laughed, pulling open the door. Her sisters stood in the hallway, a tray of coffees in Jessica’s hands. Stephanie had a scowl on her face, which Olivia instantly matched. She rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh, forgetting she was on the phone with Ben.

“Oh… Jess and Steph just showed up with a bunch of donuts for breakfast…” Olivia explained before Ben questioned the sigh. Not that he would. “As if we’re not eating enough shit on this holiday, right?” she asked, forcing another chuckle as she pushed the door open further, allowing her sisters to enter.

“Ha… sounds like you’re the cop, not me,” Ben teased as he yawned again. “Okay, babe, well… I need to hit the sack, anyway. I’ll text you when I’m up, though.”

Olivia glared at Stephanie’s back as her sister stalked past her, avoiding eye contact. “Yeah, that sounds good. Get some sleep,” Olivia urged, curling back up onto her bed.

“Mmm…” Ben mumbled, sounding as though he was already half asleep. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later, babe.”

“Okay, I love you,” Olivia told him, out of habit but also out of sincerity. Despite her rocky emotions, she didn’t love Ben any less. Her mind might have been easier to tame if her feelings for Ben weren’t as strong as they were.

“Love you too,” Ben answered, as he always did, though rarely initiated the sentiment. “Bye.”

“Bye,” Olivia echoed, ending the call. “What?” she snapped to Stephanie, catching her hateful glare.

Stephanie scoffed. “I love you?” she repeated, shaking her head at Olivia. “After you spent the night with him, you’re still going to say that to Ben? Fuck, you suck!”

Olivia’s jaw dropped. She knew Stephanie would have something to say about Olivia’s evening activity, but she didn’t expect her to hit so hard. “Don’t fucking come at me like that, Stephanie!” she shot back. “Of course I’m still going to say it to Ben, because it’s fucking true!”

“I’ll bet the first thing you told him is where you spent the night, isn’t it?” Stephanie continued, her words overlapping Olivia’s.

“I had no choice!” Olivia protested, talking louder over Stephanie’s voice. “Didn’t you see outside? It was a fucking blizzard, Steph! What the fuck was I supposed to do?”

“Uhm, how about not go out with him?”

“Guys!” Jessica exclaimed, holding her hands in front of each of her sisters. “Come on! Steph, we came up here to clear the air, remember? We’re not here to shit all over Liv,” she added, giving Olivia a small smile as she handed her a coffee.

“Thanks, Jess,” Olivia mumbled, still feeling sheepish by the words she spoke to Jessica the night before. But, as Olivia predicted, they would be okay.

Stephanie huffed out a sigh. “Fine,” she snapped. “So what happened?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at Olivia expectantly.

Olivia furrowed her brow. “What, like… what?” she asked, trying to decipher Stephanie’s question. She sighed. “You actually fucking think I would cheat on my fiancé? Really? Jesus Christ, Steph! What kind of person do you think I am?” She pursed her lips together, wondering if her confessions and desires from the night before would constitute as cheating. She decided not to ask.

Stephanie’s face softened but her arms remained crossed. “So nothing happened?” she pressed, her tone doubtful. “You guys didn’t talk about anything from before? You just… did nothing?”

Olivia chewed on her lower lip. “I don’t know,” she admitted, touching her hand as she thought of Harry’s fingers laced through hers. She looked down at her hands, replaying the words she spoke to Harry in her mind. “I might have played with fire…” she whispered, meeting Jessica’s eyes for a brief moment before looking down again.

“What happened?” Jessica asked, shushing Stephanie before she could make a remark.

Olivia covered her face with her hands. Her thoughts were tumbling through her mind, and she was having difficulty focusing on only one. “You’re going to judge me…” she told her sisters, her words mumbled.

“No, we won’t,” Jessica interjected before Stephanie spoke up. “You can tell us anything. Stephanie is just being protective, in her own bitchy way,” she added, giggling. “Plus, you’re wearing his shirt, right…?” she said in a gentle voice. “How’d that happen?”

Olivia looked down at her shirt. She hadn’t intended on wearing Harry’s vintage concert t-shirt home. Did she inadvertently wear it home, so she had to see him again? She didn’t know.

Olivia sighed. “He left it for me on the bed – on the spare bed – so I had something to wear while I slept. Alone,” she added for emphasis, directing a scowl in Stephanie’s direction.

“So that’s not really that bad…” Jessica urged. “I mean, it was snowing pretty hard… It was!” she pointed out to Stephanie, who offered a massive eye roll. “But… how is that playing with fire? You didn’t cheat… so you didn’t even kiss him?”

Olivia shook her head in response. “It came close,” she admitted. “But… I told him I couldn’t, and he apologised like crazy…” She didn’t add that she almost didn’t tell him no.

“So… okay, then what?” Jessica pressed. “You have to give us something here, Liv!” she added, slapping Olivia’s knee as she laughed.

Olivia toyed with the hem of Harry’s shirt, trying to organise her thoughts. “I mean, I… it was hard to see him and not be with him…” she confessed. “It was like no time had passed. He…” She sighed again, already hearing Stephanie’s scoff. “When we walked back to his place – which wasn’t part of the plan, but the fucking weather – uhm… he held my hand. It wasn’t meant to be romantic,” she was quick to add. “It was super slippery. But I… fuck! I didn’t want to let go. I did, but…” Olivia exhaled, running her hands through her hair. “Everything’s all tumbly now,” she admitted.

“Your feelings?” Stephanie asked. She sounded kinder than Olivia expected her to be.

Olivia nodded. “Yeah… I… fuck, you guys. This is bad. I… I think I’m still in love with him,” she admitted, her voice choked as a sob tried to escape. “And I’m in love with Ben, but I… I don’t know why I can’t fucking shake this guy! Maybe I never thought it would actually be over,” she said to her quiet sisters. “I guess… I always expected him to text me or call me… Especially after that fucking video came out…” she sighed, remembering the horrible social media experience mere weeks after her relationship with Harry ended. “But he…”

“But he didn’t,” Stephanie reminded Olivia. “He didn’t call you or text you. He just started dating that… that twat and didn’t fucking give a shit about how that would make you feel.”

Stephanie had stronger feelings about Harry’s rebound than Olivia did. Olivia didn’t want to discuss that relationship. It hurt too much to think of Harry with her. “I don’t want to talk about that,” she told Stephanie. “I don’t want to think about her and him. Fuck, I just… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“You’re supposed to forget about Harry and marry Ben,” Stephanie reminded her sister.
“Harry doesn’t deserve you, anyway. He’s nothing but a fuck.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “That’s not true, or helpful,” she told Stephanie. She turned to Olivia. “Do you really think you still love him?” she asked. “I don’t really think you do. Last night made you think about your time with Harry, and you’re feeling nostalgic… Not love.”

How the fuck do you know? Olivia wanted to shout, but she bit her tongue. Instead, she shrugged. “Maybe,” she answered, but Jessica was wrong. Still, it would be easier to appease her sisters. “Guess I just have to… push him the fuck out of my mind…”

Jessica grinned, seeming relieved at Olivia’s statement. “I know it’s not easy, but you know you’re happy with Ben. I’ve seen you with him. You love him, and he loves you. There will always be those ‘what could have been’ thoughts, but… you know Ben is the right choice…”

No, I don’t, Olivia thought, surprising herself. “Yeah,” she said instead. “I know…”

~*~*~*~

Harry scrolled through the Netflix menu, paying no attention to the films on the screen. He laid on the couch, sprawled against the pillows and having no desire to move. He held onto the improbable hope that he would hear from Olivia, but as the hours of the day ticked by, his hope was fading.

A loud knock on Harry’s front door jolted him from his stupor. For a moment, he wondered if it could be Olivia. His building had tight security, but Olivia could be crafty when she wanted to be. He sighed as he stood up. When she wanted to be. She didn’t want to be crafty now. If she wanted to see him, she’d have stayed.

He stomped to the front door, suddenly irritated by the visitor he knew wasn’t Olivia. As he pulled the door open, a tiny blonde with a loud voice greeted him with a shrill “hi!”

Harry shook his head, unable to hide the surprise on his face as he faced his girlfriend. “Hai – what are you doing here?” he asked, dumbfounded as the Los Angeles based girl let out a boisterous chuckle before wrapping her arms around Harry’s neck.

“Surprise!” Hailey laughed, squeezing Harry into a tight hug. He reciprocated, circling his arms around her waist. He wasn’t surprised that he noticed how her hugs were no match for Olivia’s. “I missed you!” she continued, nuzzling against Harry’s neck.

“What are you doing here?” Harry repeated, not echoing her sentiment.

Hailey pulled away from Harry, a pout across her lips. “Aren’t you happy to see me?” she frowned. “I wanted to surprise you, for Christmas!”

“Well… you definitely did that…” Harry mused. His evening with Olivia was too fresh in his mind. He couldn’t even pretend to he was happy to see his girlfriend. For her sake, though, he tried. “I missed you too,” he told her, forcing a grin as he tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. “How, uhm… how long are you here for?”

Hailey beamed at Harry as she removed her winter wear. “Well, at least until New Years!” she told him. “I can’t ring in 2021 without kissing my man!” she added, standing on her tip-toes to press a kiss against Harry’s lips. He kissed her back, but with his eyes closed. If he didn’t look at Hailey, and suspended all disbelief, he could almost pretend he was kissing Olivia.

He let out a quiet sigh. No one kissed him like Olivia did. He broke the kiss and nodded towards the living room. “Well… come on in, then,” he told Hailey, her comment about kissing him remaining unanswered. He already knew he didn’t want to kiss Hailey on New Years Eve, but he couldn’t tell her that.

He flopped back onto the couch, stretching out to ensure Hailey kept her distance. “Was just trying to find something on Netflix,” he commented, gesturing to the television as he picked up his phone. “Why don’t you try to find something?” he asked, hoping the offer sounded kind. Hailey had terrible taste in movies, and Harry didn’t offer her the remote often.

“Well… I was sort of hoping we would do something else…” Hailey said to Harry, wiggling her eyebrows as she settled against his knees. She ran her hand up his thigh and it was all he could do to not push her away.

“Well, you know what Netflix and Chill is, right?” Harry asked, forcing himself to sound as suggestive as she had. “Pick something you won’t mind missing,” he told her. He hated how the words sounded when they were directed at Hailey.

“Deal!” Hailey chirped, wigging around until she was against his chest. He sighed. So much for the distance.

His stomach tumbled as he looked at his phone. He had received a new text message, and the name across the screen evoked a flurry of butterflies to flutter inside of him. Hoping Hailey didn’t notice his smile, then realising he didn’t care, he opened the message.

Hi : ) I’m sorry I left so early this morning, but I thought it would be for the best. I had a really great time with you last night. Thank you for the drinks and the bed. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Take care.

It was cordial, polite but also unnecessary. There wasn’t a reason for Olivia to text Harry. She had already thanked him for the drinks, and her gratitude for the spare bedroom didn’t need words. He knew. The only reason for her to text him was for him to text back. Harry knew enough about women to understand they hated unanswered messages. With the grin still across his face, Harry tapped out a reply.

I want to see you again.

Notes