You Still Believe In Father Christmas?

I sat in front of the Christmas tree and let the tears fall slowly as I held a small bauble with the word’s ‘Charlie’s First Christmas’ emblazoned on the front. This was not Charlie’s first Christmas. Charlie was now almost three, and had only seen his father for a total of twenty-nine days over his lifetime and none of those days had been Christmas day. A fresh wave of sadness had overcome me at the thought and new tears began trickling slowly down my face as I looked up at the mantelpiece where the pictures of our life with Harry sat.

There was the picture of me and Harry on the promenade kissing. That was a month before the war started in 1914 and I remembered the day like it was yesterday. It was the day Harry had asked me to marry him.

We had sat with our friends on the prom all afternoon talking about the summer before us, the threat of war looming over everyone’s heads knowing that it was now a matter of ‘when’ rather than a question of ‘if’. Harry had been laying back with his head in my lap while we all talked, when suddenly he had sprung up, his green eyes shining at me as he asked me to get an ice cream with him. I just laughed and agreed. I was used to him being overexcited and constantly moving, it was one of the things that had drawn me to him in the first place.

“Are you worried that you’ll be sent off to fight?” I had asked him as we walked. He had stopped and turned to me with a cheeky smile.

“No.” I gave him a questioning look as he had continued, “If I am to be sent off to war, I will have done mostly everything that I wanted to do.” He took my hands in his and pressed my knuckles to his mouth to kiss them.

“Like what? You can’t have done mostly everything you want in life by nineteen Harry!” He smiled broadly at this question.

“I will have.” He laughed and continued, “I will have enjoyed the prime of my life with great friends, I will have eaten at every diner in the city, and I will have married the girl of my dreams…” I stopped dead in my tracks as he continued for a few steps and then turned back to face me with a smile, “That is, if she’ll have me?” I had squealed in excitement as he had produced a ring from his back pocket and slipped it onto my fourth finger on my left hand. He had put his arm around me and pulled me in for a kiss and a photographer for the prom had taken a picture, which I had later managed to get a copy of.

I smiled fondly at the memory as my eyes drifted to the next picture. It was Harry and I standing side by side, a lopsided grin on his face as his arm was draped over my shoulder while I tried to smile as I cried. I reached up and grabbed it carefully, holding it to my chest as my tears fell slowly and I closed my eyes to remember.

The flash went off on the camera, and Harry turned and scooped me up in his arms, kissing my face in an attempt to get me to smile. The war had been on for a year at this point and we all knew that it was bad, but I still couldn’t think of him leaving… especially not now.

“Maddie, darling, you need to stop crying I’ll be ok!” He cooed into my hair as I sobbed quietly into his chest on the train platform. After a minute, I had regained myself and I realised I was running out of time to tell Harry my news.

“Do you remember the day you asked me to marry you?” I said quietly as he hugged me close. I looked up at him and he gave me a small but loving smile.

“Of course, I won’t ever forget, why?”

“You said you would have done mostly everything... why only mostly?” A confused look crossed his face for a few seconds as he thought about my oddly timed question.

“I guess some things take a little longer than a year…” He said finally with a small smile.

“Like what?” He laughed a little at my persistence.

“I don’t know… writing a book, opening my own bar, travelling the world…”

“Being a father?” I added and he nodded absent mindedly.

“Yes, being a fa-” He stopped mid-sentence as my face broke out in a smile and realisation dawned upon him. He pulled out of our embrace and looked down at my stomach and back at me for confirmation, “Am I going to be a father?” he whispered. I nodded and giggled as he scooped me back up in his arms and planted another kiss on my lips, tears slowly tracing patterns down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry that you have to do this on your own while I’m away…” He whispered into my hair. I held him tight and stroked the back of his neck.

“I guess you’re just going to have to make sure you come back home then.” I whispered as a train whistle blew telling us it was time for Harry to leave.

I was pulled from my thoughts when Charlie came running into the room as fast as his little legs would carry him. I quickly put the photo on the arm of the chair, wiped my tear stained face with my hands and plastered a false smile on my lips. His arms were outstretched toward me as he approached, a cheeky smile spread across his own little face. He was followed by my sister, Eleanor. I reached to him, caught him up in my arms and pulled him up onto my lap for a cuddle as she spoke.

“He’s been a very good boy, haven’t you Charlie?” she said, I smiled, truthfully this time, and planted a small kiss on the top of his head as he nuzzled into me, “Are you going to tell mummy who we saw?” he pulled out of our cuddle and looked up at his auntie who was smiling encouragingly.

“Kissmas!” He shouted enthusiastically as he turned to me, his little brunette curls bouncing. I pulled a face of over exaggerated shock and excitement to play along.

“You saw Father Christmas?” I asked and he nodded excitedly, “Did he give you a present?” Charlie looked at his auntie again as if he knew he didn’t have the words to explain what had happened that day.

“Silly mummy, Father Christmas only gives presents on Christmas Day, doesn’t he Charlie?” Charlie nodded at me again as his auntie continued, “He asked you what you wanted for Christmas though, didn’t he!” I pulled another fake over excited face as I looked at Eleanor who was doing the same.

“What did you ask Father Christmas for, Charlie?”

“Daddy.” He said quietly. The smiles vanished from both mine and Eleanor’s faces as our eyes flew to Charlie. He was no longer paying any attention to the show that we had been putting on for him, and was instead looking at the picture that was balanced on the arm of the chair, reaching out for it. I carefully picked up the picture and held it so that he could see it better. He slowly reached out, the smile slowly vanishing from his little face, and stroked Harry’s picture before quietly repeating, “Daddy.”

“Yes sweetheart, that’s Daddy.” I whispered and kissed his head again gently. He reached out for the frame, and I let him hold it, being sure to keep my own hand firmly on the back so that he wouldn’t drop it, but he just pulled it to his chest and settled in for a quiet cuddle as he did every now and then. Eleanor looked at us sadly.

“Still no more word on when Harry will be home?” She said quietly, taking the seat opposite. I shook my head and gave her a small smile.

“Still not Christmas yet… there’s still time for him to make it home…” I said with a forcing a bright tone, “Both Harry and Louis.” I added, and Eleanor nodded hopefully.

“As much as I hope Louis makes it home tomorrow, Charlie should have his father on Christmas.” I nodded back at her and we both sat in silence for a few minutes before she gave me a small smirk and said, “Maybe we should all ask Father Christmas for Harry to come home!”

We laughed gently and the sadness in the room was lifted slightly. Twenty minutes later, after catching up on other goings on within the family, Eleanor made her exit while Charlie was studying the Christmas tree and then it was just me and him alone.

“Right, bedtime little man.” I said as I gently scooped him up into my arms, “Did you have a nice day with Auntie Ellie?”

“Yes, kissmas!” Charlie said with a smile as I nodded and carried him into the bedroom. I paced him on his small bed and got him undressed and into his bed clothes.

“Remember, we have to go to sleep early tonight so that Father Christmas can leave you some nice presents.” I said as I tucked him into the bed and kissed his head.

“Daddy?” Charlie asked, looking up at me wide eyed. I regretted the moment a month ago when I had told Charlie that his father would be the best Christmas present. I don’t know why I had said it, I couldn’t guarantee it but I suppose I thought he would forget. He never seemed to forget anything anyone told him about Harry though. Although he had met him so little, he had a deeply ingrained respect and love for him.

“Who that?” Charlie said playfully as he pointed to a picture of Harry sitting in his grandma’s house. I laughed and kissed him on the cheek, and turned it into a small raspberry which made him giggle.

“You know who that is, cheeky boy! That’s your daddy!” I had always made sure to tell Charlie everything I could about his father and how great he was, so that when he finally came home, Charlie would know all about him. Just then, Anne, Harry’s mother, came into the living area with a tray of tea which she sat down on the side table with a smile.

“Is Charlie looking at Daddy?” She asked him as she poured me a cup of tea. Charlie turned to her with a smile and nodded before going back to staring intently at the picture.

“He looks so much like Harry when he was that age,” She said quietly to me with a smile and handed me the cup. I nodded and looked back at my beautiful little boy.

“Charlie, come here so I can tell you about daddy.” Anne said as she settled into her armchair. Charlie ran to her happily and she pulled him onto her knee, he then nuzzled into her side, ready to hear everything she had to say. She told him what his father did and how brave he was, but then went on to tell him in simple terms about Harry’s character.

“He’s kind and gentle, he makes me and your mummy laugh and he is always cheery.”

A few weeks later, Charlie and I had found a shilling on the floor and while we were on our way to go and get a treat from the local bakery, we walked past a homeless little girl sitting on the pavement crying. Charlie looked at me and then looked at the shilling in his hand before pulling me toward her. He nervously placed the shilling in front of the little girl with a small smile and then dragged me away. Once we had walked far enough I stopped, dropped to his level and smiled at him.

“That was a very kind thing to do, Charlie.”

“Like Daddy?” he asked, and I was taken aback for a second before pulling him in for a hug and inhaling his sweet sugary smell.

“Yes, Charlie. Like Daddy.” I whispered into his curls as I tried to stop myself from crying.

“Would you like me to read you a story?” I said, dancing around his question as I showed him a small selection of books. He shook his head and blinked his big green eyes innocently.

“My Daddy letter.” He said, reaching for the ragged folded-up piece of paper that sat on the table next to his bed. I hesitated before sighing, placing the books back on their shelf and taking my seat next to the little boy. I took the piece of paper, mentally preparing myself to read and not cry.

“To my little Charlie, I always write letters to mummy but I wanted to write this one just for you because mummy tells me how big you’re getting.” Charlie settled his head down and smiled as I continued, “Mummy tells me in her letters how good and kind you are and I want you to know how proud I am of you, and how much I miss you.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, hoping that Charlie wouldn’t be able to hear the change in tone in my voice as I tried to hold it together.

“I love the drawings that you send to me and I hope that when I am home you will teach me how to draw as well as you do because they make me very happy. I know you are too young to understand what is happening right now, but I hope that you aren’t afraid…” The words got caught in my throat and I choked a little. Charlie stayed silent and watched me curiously as I battled with my own emotions to read the letter, “… because Daddy is fighting to make sure that you don’t need to be afraid. You have the most important job of looking after mummy for me while I’m away, and making sure that she smiles every day.” Unable to stop it, a small tear fell over my lashes as I reached the close of the letter, “I love you both very much and I promise I will be home before you know it. Lots of Love, Daddy.”

Without a word, Charlie removed his covers from his body and clambered onto my lap to snuggle with me as I sobbed quietly. He was too young to understand why I was sad but it warmed my heart how sensitive and caring he was even at this age. I pulled him close and rocked us back and forth until we eventually both drifted off to sleep.

I woke up later on in the night with Charlie sleeping soundly in my lap holding his letter. I pried it gently from his chubby little hand and placed it back on the bedside table before slowly standing up and placing him in his own bed. He was so sweet when he slept, his little lips pouting as he snored quietly. I chuckled quietly to myself, he was most definitely his father’s son. I kissed his forehead gently and tucked him back in before leaving the room, going to my own to get changed to my bed clothes and going back downstairs to sort out the few presents I had gotten for Charlie under the tree.

I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost eleven. I sighed and allowed disappointment to wash over me. Time was almost up. It was time to let go of the hope that Harry would make it home in time for Christmas. I began wrapping the small gifts on the floor of the living room and tried to push the sadness from my mind. I would have to be in a better mood for tomorrow, when the family arrived and for Charlie. I forced myself to smile to try and convince myself I was fine, even though I had never been further from it. My heart’s ache made my whole body tremble as I tried to contain the sob that was rising in my throat. I fumbled with the wrapping paper, unable to control my fingers I suddenly lost control. Pulling the paper from underneath the wooden train that I had been wrapping I began mindlessly tearing it up in frustration, as the sobs flowed freely.

All I wanted was to have Harry back. I had had enough of waiting. I had had enough of tucking a two-year-old into bed and reading him a sad letter from six months ago. I had had enough of trying to explain to a two-year-old where his father was. I was desperate to have my Harry home where he belonged. He had given up enough of his life to war, now it was time for us to have him back.

I rocked back from my kneeling position so that I was sitting with my back against my armchair and wrapped my arms tightly around my knees, pulling them tightly to my chest. I stayed sobbing for around half an hour before I had no more tears left and I was exhausted. I glanced over at the clock. Quarter to twelve. I then looked at the Christmas decorations that were hung around the living room, the angel who sat on the top of the tree, smiling down at me, the baubles sparkling at me from the tree, and the little Father Christmas figurine that sat next to the fireplace. I smiled at the sight of the figurine remembering what Eleanor had said earlier that evening.

“I just want Harry please, so if you could work on that for me, that would be great.” I whispered sarcastically at the statue before rolling my eyes and instantly feeling stupid. Here I was wrapping Charlie’s presents from Father Christmas and yet I was asking him as a last resort to bring Harry home tomorrow. I sighed, I must be more exhausted than I thought. I knelt back up and finished wrapping Charlie’s presents and put them under the tree, took a few gulps of the milk that he had left out and a bite of the mince pie to make it seem as though Santa had been. I looked back at the clock, five past twelve. Merry Christmas I thought sadly to myself.

I turned out the lights and walked across the room to the staircase. I was halfway up when I heard the faint swing of the garden gate and I froze. I could hear someone walking up the path toward the front door and my pulse began racing, I had heard about people being susceptible to break ins at Christmas because the presents that would be in the living room. I took two steps down so that I would be able to see the front door should someone try and break in, but whoever it was knocked twice. I pulled my dressing gown tighter around myself as I stepped slowly toward the front door. The person knocked once more as I stepped off the bottom step.

I reached out hesitantly to undo the locks, my hands trembling slightly in fear. I could hear the other person rubbing their own hands together from the cold from the other side of the door. Once the last lock was clicked out of place I slowly opened the door a crack to peak out and then swung it open fully.

He stood with his back to the door looking out at the street around him. It had started to snow and there was a light dusting across his shoulders and in the back of his brown hair that was cropped at the sides and back but still long on top. When he heard the door open, he turned to face me, his green eyes sparkling under the porch light and a small smile dancing on his lips as he opened his arms to me. I just stood their staring in shock for a few moments, making sure that this wasn’t a dream.

“Merry Christmas Maddie… Sorry I’m late.” He whispered taking a step closer. Hearing his voice brought me from my trance and I threw myself into his arms, hugging him tighter than I ever had before. He caught me with a chuckle and hugged me tightly back.

“It’s ok, you’re just in time.” I choked through my sobs into his neck as he swayed from side to side to comfort me. I pulled back from our embrace so that I could kiss his lips hard, like I had been wishing since he had left the last time. He smiled against my lips and kissed me with as much urgency, lowering my feet to the cold floor so that he could move his hands into my hair.

“Can I come in?” He said quietly once our lips had finally broken apart. He leant down and picked up his bag and followed me inside, looking around. I could tell from his eyes that he was so glad to be home. I looked around wishing that I could see the world as he was right this second, to drink in the Christmas decorations and be so unbelievably happy. My eyes landed on the Father Christmas, and without thinking, I smiled.

“Thank you so much, Kissmas.” I whispered copying Charlie’s word for Father Christmas. Harry looked at me confused, following my eyes to the figurine, he pulled me into his side with a small laugh.

“I think I must be absolutely exhausted, because it looked like you just said thank you to Father Christmas?” I looked up at him, still amazed that he was standing there with me, and grinned at him.

“It’s a long story, I’ll tell you tomorrow, I think we need to go and wake up your little boy.” Harry smiled gave me one more kiss on the lips and followed me up the stairs.

21 Years Later: December 21st 1939

“I don’t want you to leave, Daddy!” Faith cried, winding her arms around my neck. I stroked her hair comfortingly as I cooed into her neck that it would be ok and not to cry. After five minutes I was able to hand her back to her mother, who was quietly sobbing. I sighed and pulled them both in to hug them tight and kissed the top of her head.

“Come on, it will be ok, I promise.” I said. I didn’t know it would be ok and I was making a promise there was no guarantee I would be able to keep, but I would say and do anything to protect my girls. That’s why I was going away to fight. Jenny nodded against my chest before reaching up and pulling me into a deep kiss, making it that much harder to leave her. Eventually our lips broke apart and I gave her a small smile. I broke our eye contact and turned to my parents and took a step closer as they hugged me at the same time.

“I’ve asked Father Christmas to keep you safe as my gift this year.” My mother mumbled into my chest and I couldn’t help but laugh as I pulled out of the hug.

“I’m about to go off to war and my mother is still asking Father Christmas to keep me safe…” I smiled at her fondly and gave her a kiss on the cheek, “I can’t believe you still believe in Father Christmas.” She smiled at me and pulled my father closer to her side. He rolled his eyes and kissed her on the head lovingly. I found myself looking over at my wife and child, hoping that one day we would grow old together like my parents had and then chuckled at the sound of my mother’s voice echoing in my head: Just ask Father Christmas.

Notes

I hope you liked this story, please check out my other story:

Only You

Merry Christmas!

Lola xo