I sat staring at my desk trying to get some work done, but my head was somewhere else. I kept glancing at my phone nervously, watching as the night grew later wondering why Taylor hadn't rung yet. It was almost half nine and I knew that her study group had finished at five. Four and a half fucking hours they had been together. The film must be finished by now, surely? I started feeling an anxiety rising from the pit of my stomach as I started imagining all the things that they could be doing right now.
I could see Taylor in my mind, walking down a street, her arm linked through his as they had grown more comfortable over the night. She was laughing at all the wonderful things he had said, her sweet smile reaching her eyes and showing him her perfectly white teeth. He would be reflecting the smile back at her, thinking in his mind how beautiful she was, both losing track of time in each other's eyes. I felt my heart tighten as I imagined Taylor being her fairly clumsy self and almost tripping over her own feet when she's too busy laughing to look where she's going. He would catch her hand and suddenly they would be facing one another as she tried to regain her balance. She would giggle as her face reddened slightly, but there would be no more laughing from Harry, he would be too busy taking in her beauty, his forest green eyes sparkling at her. He would reach up and push a curl that had fallen forward to the side, and she would go quiet as the tension built. He would hesitate, reading her eyes for a signal of what to do, then slowly lean in, pulling her gently closer to him, and then their lips would touch, they would hear fireworks and I would hear the sound of my heart breaking and the ground would fall out from under my feet.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Taylor's ringtone, and I instantly felt more relaxed, knowing that I was wrong and he wasn't kissing her, she was home and ready to talk. I waited one more ring to make it seem as though I hadn't just been waiting for her call all day.
"S! You are never going to believe what has just happened!" She squealed as I answered the phone, before I could even speak. I hated feeling resentment toward her happiness and I did my best to mask the feeling.
"Hey Tay, what is it?" I felt like my voice was colder than I had intended but she didn't seem to realise, she was too busy being on cloud nine.
"I didn't have a chance to tell you today, but when you were doing your performance, Harry asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema with him, and obviously I said yes! And I've only just got back, and S, let me tell you, it was so amazing, he's just as amazing as I thought he would be!" She was babbling away, and I tried to swallow the lump that had just risen in my throat.
"Oh right?" was all I could manage to say, but Taylor just took this as an invite to carry on.
"He took me to see some new fantasy film that's just come out, but I couldn't focus because I just kept remembering who I was sitting next to and getting butterflies! I wanted to pinch myself to see if it was actually happening!" She giggled, and I made some non-committal sound to tell her I was listening and in fact wanted to pinch myself to make sure this was actually happening, that I was listening to my best friend talk about her date with a guy I liked. She continued on, "When the film finished we got outside and it was kind of chilly so I thought he was going to just take me home,"
Please say he just took you home.
"But he didn't! He asked if I fancied going for a walk and when I said about not having a jacket, he didn't even hesitate, just took his jacket off and wrapped it around me! I could have melted at his smell, its kind of sweet with a hint of musk, it's really nice!"
I knew exactly what she was talking about. At several points during the day, I had caught whiffs of his cologne, and then in the study room whenever he had pushed his hand through his hair, it was like it renewed the smell of the coconut conditioner he must use.
"We just walked aimlessly around and talked. Oh, S! We talked so much, it was amazing! Honestly, you've had him pegged so wrong all these years, he's so sweet and kind and funny!"
Tell me about it I thought as I felt my heart breaking. I had never been more wrong about anyone in my life.
" Then he drove me home, and because he's an actual gentleman, he walked me to my door and well..."
Please don't say it. I willed her so hard in my mind to say that he gave her a formal fucking handshake and walked down the path and didn't even look back. If there was anyone anywhere that gave even the slightest shit about my feelings, he will have just walked her to the door and walked away.
"He kissed me! I swear it was amazing, I felt the spark that people talk about and I swear I heard fireworks!" I felt sick thinking about it as Taylor squealed again down the phone. I wanted to cry, scream, break things, I was so angry with him, I had no choice but to hide it though. I tried my best to pretend she wasn't talking about Harry.
"Wow, Tay! That's amazing!" I said, trying to sound excited for her but I don't think it came across that way.
"Are you ok, S? You seem a bit off?" her voice was kind, filled with concern because she was oblivious to my problem. I couldn't do this anymore, I needed to get myself off the phone.
"Yeah I'm fine Tay, just tired, didn't get much sleep last night because of everything that was going on over the last few days, do you mind if I go?" She sounded sympathetic when she told me to get a good night's sleep and that she'd see me in the morning. As soon as she was off the line, I climbed into bed and let the tears fall hard and fast until I drifted off to sleep with Harry's eyes as the last thing I remembered thinking about.
"Hey!" he said brightly as I got out of the car. I gave him a weak smile in response and couldn't manage any actual words. His smile faltered slightly and he raised his eyebrows questioningly, "Are you ok."
"I'm fine." I muttered as I began walking away from him quickly. I heard him quicken his pace behind me to catch up. Suddenly, he had pulled me back and turned me around, his face now awash with concern because I was clearly not fine.
"Is it Kendall? Has she said something else?" he asked, lowering his voice, the green eyes searching my face worriedly. I was looking anywhere but his face, knowing that if we made I contact, I would probably cry some more. "Selena, can you look at me, please? If they have said something I can fix it, you don't have to deal with that anymore."
"No, no one has done anything wrong, Harry, ok?" And that was the truth. Just because I liked Harry, they had done nothing wrong by going on a date. He looked even more confused now.
"What's up then? You look like you're going to cry..." he was trying to comfort me, but it just made me feel more frustrated about my feelings, "I know we've only just met, but I am trying to be a good friend to you, so if you need to talk, you can tell me..." His sweetness just made the anger bubble more.
"It's you! You have just broken up with your girlfriend and then you're frolicking around town with my best friend, who calls me all excited and happy last night after you kissed her! It's been a day!" I snapped before I had time to think about what I was saying, but once I realised, I was mortified. He was going to see right through my jealousy and think I was pathetic. What if he told Taylor? She would be so mad at me for ruining this for her. He looked taken aback for a few seconds and then his face softened into a small smile.
"Things have been bad between me and Kendall for a while, we're very different people and seeing how she behaved with you was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've always been fairly popular, but that's just because I'm nice to people and I don't like it when I see other people not being nice." I was confused as to why he wasn't mad, but then he continued, "I do really like Taylor though, Selena. You're a good friend to her, but you don't have to worry about me hurting her. I won't hurt her, that's not me."
Then it hit me. He thought I was being protective over my friend's heart. Which is what I should have been doing instead of hating that she had the guy I wanted. Guilt washed over me when I realised how selfish I had been, Taylor was my best friend, I would just have to learn to be happy for her because that's what friends do.
"Good. Don't." I said, softly. He grinned and we turned to walk toward the gate to go and meet Taylor in silence. Me lost in my thoughts about getting past Harry, and Harry lost in his thoughts of her, and although I had made the decision to push my feelings down, it still really hurt me.
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