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All Again

Chapter Nine

CHAPTER NINE
BECCA
Now.
I didn't sleep.
I tossed all night thinking about our meeting and what I was going to say. Most importantly, I worried about what Harry would say. We would be alone and there would be no need for filters.
Our final words to each other hadn’t been too kind and there was a reason we had avoided each other for two years.
There was so much history and bad blood when we ended that it was clear we couldn’t even be friends.
I'll admit that I had kept up with him a little, I mean how could you not. Now that he was solo and his star was continuing to grow, he was a little hard to miss.
Plus we were forever linked. Thanks to the papers and the media storm that erupted when we were together, my name would forever be a sentence in his bio.
Every so often I would be in the grocery store and I would be stopped.
“Aren’t you Harry Styles ex?” people would ask. Not are you Becca Johnson, the columnist…just ‘are you the ex?’
My identity was solely tied to him and it drove me fucking crazy.
I couldn’t even post an Instagram picture or update my Twitter without seeing at least one comment about Harry. If I posted a picture of a certain shirt or a quote, immediately people would flood me and remind me we were over.
‘Harry doesn’t want you! He’s over you!’ I saw often.
Chase was helping with all that though. About a year earlier I had decided I was tired of it all and needed a revamping. I didn’t want to be known as just Harry Styles ex anymore.
I was someone too.
I stressed that I wanted every piece of him removed from me. I scrubbed my accounts and tried to erase any reminder of him to my life.
Ironic now that I was inviting him back in.
Since I didn’t sleep, I wake up early and help Chase get ready for work. He is always unreachable in the mornings and barely speaks to me. He scrolls through emails, reviews cases, and texts with his clients before meeting with them hours later. He believes in keeping an open line of communication, and is extremely dedicated; so much that most nights he is not home until past eight, unless it is a special occasion (like last night). On this morning, he gives me a quick peck on my cheek and asks if I’m alright.
“Yeah I’m fine.” I say as I eat a small bowl of cereal and watch him move around the kitchen.
“Yeah?” He asks. “No more thoughts of Harry?”
He smirks at me playfully.
“No.” I say.
“Good. So you’re over it.” he estimates. “Thought you would be.” he says. He adjusts the cuff links on his suit and I don’t face him.
‘Over it’ is far from the correct term.
I spin the cheerios in my bowl and contemplate telling him about my morning plans.
Would he even care?
Would it bother him that I’m meeting Harry?
Would he sit at his desk, worrying while we’re together?
My eyes trail back to him and I instantly doubt it. He is now in his phone typing quickly. He has already moved on from the conversation.
I decide not to say anything.
I just scoop more cereal in my mouth. As I swallow, I feel a lump in my throat.
Chase continues his assault on his phone, texting quickly and I wonder how much longer the keys will last until he needs a new phone.
He gives me a final glance.
“I’ll call you later?” he offers. “Normal time?”
Normal time is after his lunch around 1:30pm.
“Okay.”
He gives me a million dollar smile and then heads out of the door.
Then I am alone.
I have over an hour before Harry is going to show up and I don’t know what to do with my time.
I don’t need to tidy up since I did that yesterday for dinner.
My eyes trail to my kitchen.
I’m not going to fix him shit to eat either since I have no plans for him to stay long.
So what can I do?
I look around the rest of my house and search for a distraction.
I can’t write because my mind is too frazzled but I also can’t just sit and watch TV either.
I decide I need a different kind of distraction. The kind that requires me to not think about my life, but someone else’s.
I quickly head for my cell phone and scroll through my call log.
Who could I call?
If I call Kelsey we would talk about Harry and that wouldn’t help me.
I scroll through more friends from college but they won’t give me the distraction I need.
I decide finally on one of my gym buddies, Aimee.
Aimee is a talker.
On a regular day: she talks about her family. She talks about her work. She talks about the weather and why it only seems to rain on Tuesdays and Sundays. She talks about her puppies and the perfect litter she is constantly trying to make. She even talks about the reason she chooses red nail polish over the pretty pinks that her husband picks out and would prefer her to wear regularly to work. She talks about complete and utter bullshit and today, I want to hear every bit of it.
I quickly punch her number in and am relived when she answers on the third ring.
“Becca!” she exclaims in excitement. “I’m so glad you called! I have something to tell you!”
I smile. “Great!” I say for once meaning it.
She begins her ramblings quickly. The first topic is some book she wants to start and how she has heard it changes other people’s lifestyles. Next, she moves on to her neighbors and how she has a strong suspicion someone in that house is cheating.
“Really?” I ask feigning interest as I clean up my empty cereal bowl and straighten the cups in my cupboard.
“Really!” she says. “Isn’t it horrible? It has to be the wife.” Thoughts of my estranged mother come tome suddenly but I quickly push it to the back of my mind
“It’s utterly grotesque.” I say attempting to sound and act as bemused as she is, although in my opinion my voice is laced with sarcasm.
Her interests far from entertain me, and I don’t even know how we are friends. We have nothing in common except for our gym membership and mutual disdain for popular music.
I often wonder what she will think when she finds out I use to date Harry. As far as she is concerned, I’m dating a rich business professional, and living the life of people’s dreams.
However, it is not the dream I had for myself. My life has become quite boring and routine and all I have to look forward to are Chase’s lavish dinner parties.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and I’m in love but my previous life was more exciting.
“It is!” Aimee says suddenly and continues on. Lost in my own thoughts, I had forgotten she was on the phone.
I turn to the clock as she speaks and watch more time tick past. Soon it is close to 10:30am and I am relieved, but now getting nervous.
I was barely listening at that point and regularly checking and re-checking my appearance in the bathroom mirrors.
I’m not fancy today, but I do try. I’m actually wearing a mild form of makeup and am wearing a top that I know Harry will love. Since Chase and Harry’s little girlfriend aren’t here, I’m sure I can get away with it.
I know what Harry likes and what turns him on and there is nothing wrong with reminding him of what he has lost.
Becca Johnson is far from the sweet and innocent twenty year old he had met. I was a woman now and blossomed in ways he couldn’t imagine.
When the clock finally strikes10:45, I say farewell to Aimee and rush her off the phone.
“I have a doctors appointment I have to get ready for. Talk later!” I say quickly before hanging up.
Three minutes later, my doorbell rings.
Fuck!
Shit!
Damn!

Why does he always have to be so goddamn early?
I run to the bathroom mirror and check my appearance again.
I’m still decent, though now I have decided to pull my hair up. It is more serious and no nonsense.
I quickly grab a hair tie and walk briskly to the door tying my hair in a tight high ponytail.
I answer the door seconds later.
My breath hitches and time pauses for a few seconds when I see him. Old Taylor Swift lyrics run through my mind.
He’s so tall, and handsome as hell…
I swallow and try to remember how to breathe.
Heaven can’t help me now…this is going to take me down.
Harry is standing there on my doorstep, turned away from me, looking at my plants and I am looking at him. I can’t take my eyes off of him.
He looks like a model straight out of GQ Magazine. I swallow again and force myself to blink.
I clear my throat.
“You’re early.” I say keeping my voice surprisingly even.
“I know.” He says not taking his eyes off my plants. “You garden now?”
I make a step toward him-smell his cologne- and force myself to look at the flowers he is admiring.
I used a service but he didn’t need to know that.
“Yes.” I say confidently and Harry finally turns to me. His green eyes shine in the sun and they look iridescent.
His eyes rake up and down my body quickly before he gives me a small smile.
“Oh.” He says simply. “Can I come in?”
He moves towards me, and it is too much to soon.
My body tenses and relaxes at the same time.
I want to hold him and I want to push him off the steps.
I place my hand on the door quickly, blocking him and bite my lip.
He can’t come in yet.
I need more time.
“Um no. You still owe me ten minutes. We agreed on 11.” I say.
He rolls his eyes obnoxiously and closes more space between us. “Come on. Seriously? You know me Becca. I don’t like to be late.”
“You weren’t so prompt last night.” I remind him, not meeting his eyes.
I focus on his nose.
It is a nice nose, but I feel no physical attraction to it.
Looking at it won’t get me in trouble.
“That was Julie. She couldn’t figure out her makeup shit.” He says placing his hands in his pants. His small hips buck forward out of habit, and I see the tiny imprint of a bulge. I already know it is not coming from his boxers or briefs.
A small heat rises in me.
I need to clear my thoughts quickly.
What were we talking about?
Oh yeah…
“So the successful supermodel doesn’t know how to apply her own makeup?” I ask sarcastically.
“No.” Harry says dryly. “The successful model has a team that does that for her. Now…are you going to let me in or not? It is a little chilly out here.”
I scan Harry’s outfit. He is wearing the same ol’ skinny black jeans he is known for and a plain white t-shirt. So simple, but he looks like pure sex.
“Maybe you should put some more clothes on.” I say moving out of the way to let him in. “It is fall after all.”
He steps inside and I move as far away from him as I can without looking strange.
I continue.
“Besides, aren’t you getting a little old for those pants now?” I ask.
He looks at me and smirks. His dimples are still deep and pronounced.
He points to my head. “Aren’t you a little old for that ponytail?”
This time I roll my eyes and shut the door behind him. We face each other completely.
We are now completely alone and away from any eyes of the world and the silence is extremely loud.
Having him back in my space is suddenly suffocating.
He stands in one spot, but he is everywhere.
I can smell him and see him and he fills the room with his energy.
“Do you want a drink?” I ask to fill the quiet and move away from Harry.
“Got any Vodka?” he jokes.
“No.” I say seriously. I’m not in the mood for humor. Plus I don’t find him too funny anymore.
He sighs and looks around. “Tough crowd…” he mumbles. “So…where should we sit?”
I cross my arms. “How about you tell me what this is about first?”
“No. How about we sit?” he counters back.
“This is my house Harry. I don’t want to sit.” I say sharply.
Suddenly he throws his hands up.
“Are you going to be like this the whole time?”
“Like what?” I ask offended.
“Like this.”
“This is me.” I say quickly uncrossing my arms.
“Well I liked the old you better.”
I looked back at him. Looking at him, I felt the same way.
“So did I.”
Harry turns from me and moves more into the living room. His eyes begin to scan various things. I watch as his eyes find a picture of me and Chase in the corner. He is holding me from behind and kissing my cheek. Harry pauses to study it, then moves on, scanning something else.
“You shouldn’t be so bitter Becca. I thought Chase was making you happy.” he accuses. He gestures to our home. “You have the perfect life now.”
His tone is sarcastic and I don’t like it.
“He does make me happy actually. More than I could ever imagine. I’ve never been so sated.” I say smugly.
That makes Harry turn around. He gives me an interested grin.
“Really?” he drawls.
I ignore his look and turn. Thoughts of me and Harry in bed and me screaming his name come in quick snapshots. It is the last thing I need to think about.
“I’m surprised he has sex.” Harry continues. “I wouldn’t think he would want to mess up his clothes.”
I sigh, annoyed.
“Says the man who is never seen in anything less than high retail.”
“Oh but you’ve seen me, or have you forgotten that part of our life?” he asks keeping his eyes on me.
He pushes a button.
“There is no ‘our’ Harry.” I say quickly. I cross my arms again. I am impatient and ready to get this over with.
“So what are we meeting for? I don’t have much time.” I ask.
“We need to talk.” He says simply.
“I think we said everything we needed to say last night.”
He sighs this time. “Why am I even here then Becca?”
“Because you said you wanted to talk to me. I was giving you the opportunity to apologize.”
He looks at me in disbelief. “Apologize? Is that what you think I’m doing here?”
“Well yeah. You were wrong last night Harry.” I point out.
He places his hand between the bridge of his nose, as if I cause him to lose patience. “Becca. Just stop.”
He removes his hand and runs it through his hair. “We’ve both been wrong and said bad things. There’s guilt on both parties here.”
“Maybe so, but I’m not the one who keeps inviting it in. I’ve been pretty content leaving it where it was two years ago.”
“Oh that’s healthy. You do realize the last thing we said to each was ‘fuck you’?”
I nod yes. I remember that day very well.
He sighs, shakes his head, and sits on the couch.
“You’re sitting.” I quickly remind him. “I don’t want you to sit.”
He looks at me and then flicks his hand, waving me away. “Well I’m going to sit. We need to settle this.”
I keep my arms crossed and just look at him. I could be very stubborn in my ways and right now, I was planning on being a complete bitch. Keeping my arms crossed, I go to war with him. His green eyes meet mine and don’t back down.
He looks at me.
I look at him.
He sighs.
I sighs.
“Jesus…” he mutters under his breath.
I irritate him. He runs his hands through his hair shifting it. He suddenly loses patience and snaps “Are you going to sit?”
“No.” I say shortly.
“You’re pushing again…” he warns.
“You can handle it.” I dish back.
He sighs, a long and patient sigh and I know the storm is about to erupt.
It scares me. I don’t like to see that Harry. He doesn’t like me very much.
Fine.
I make a point to roll my eyes even more before sitting on the couch opposite him.
Then it is silent.
I watch the clock behind him and he focuses on something behind me.
He hasn’t even been in my house for ten minutes and we are already angry with each other.
This isn’t going to end well either. I could see a repeat of last night happening very soon.
“So…” he begins, his voice breaking in my thoughts. His accent still does things to me. It is butter and sugar cookies, and that tiny piece of home you always carry with you.
His accent is comforting and I kind of miss it.
“I can’t believe you garden now. When did that start?”
I look back at him and laugh. His attempt at small talk is horrible.
“Really Harry?”
“What?” he asks in innocence.
I shake my head and look down. I focus on a penny that is in a far corner.
Harry remains quiet but I can feel his green eyes on me.
“So…” I say this time. I would do better at this ‘small talk’ thing.
“Where does Julie think you are?” I ask meeting his eyes.
He shrugs. “I didn’t really volunteer that information. I just left.”
“No questions asked?” I ask skeptically. She seems like the type to track his every move.
“She was still asleep. But she wouldn’t care either way. We don‘t have that kind of relationship.” he says.
“Oh she trusts you huh?”
He looks me square in the eye. “Yes. She does.”
The way he says it seems like a personal dig at me.
I don’t like it.
“So why were you sneaking out of your house to call me last night?” I counter back.
“I already told you that wasn’t what I was doing.”
“You didn’t actually.” I remind him. “You went straight into the ‘can we meet’.”
He peers back at me. “Well sorry. I didn’t realize you were memorizing our conversation.”
“Trust me I wasn’t.”
“Are you sure?” he asks. With his accent, his words blend together and it seems like one complete word.
I ignore him and grab for the remote on the table.
I quickly hit power to drown him out and our big screen comes to life.
Harry looks at me in disbelief. “Really Becca?”
He seems almost offended.
“It’s too quiet in here.” I say looking at the TV. An old Law and Order episode is playing.
He sighs and shifts his hair again. “You’re not taking this seriously.” He says.
He speaks as if I’m his child and I’m being scolded for getting a bad grade.
“You’re not saying anything Harry. We’re talking about pointless shit.”
“Because you’re not taking this seriously.” He says again.
I throw my hands up this time, and grab the remote once more. I turn the TV off and then throw the remote on the couch.
“There.” I say.
Harry doesn’t react.
“Thanks.” He just says and sits back. He lifts his leg and places his hands on his ankle.
I am quickly reminded of some Youtube video I had watched years earlier of him and his then band on a Skype challenge with Jimmy Kimmel where he had done the same thing.
That had been the Harry I had fallen for: sweet, silly and caring. This Harry is someone else.
He just keeps staring at me with his piercing green eyes.
He makes me very uncomfortable.
I shift. “So…talk.” I say after a few moments.
He continues to just look at me. I prepare for the snide remark I am sure he is crafting in his mind. He is just too quiet.
“What’s your problem?” I say finally after I can’t take it anymore.
Then, he does the unexpected. With his hands still on his ankle, he turns his head to the side studying me even more if possible.
“When did you color your hair?”
Huh?
I must have blacked out then for a few seconds and missed how the conversation had shifted. What had been the sentences before that, that led him to ask that stupid question?
“What?” I ask. I can feel my face creasing.
“What made you color your hair? You’ve never gone that light before.” He points out.
“You’re not seriously asking me this question.” I remark.
He ignores me. “It’s different on you. It looks nice.”
I chuckle. Boy. This was…I didn’t know what the hell this was. This whole meeting is a joke.
“Thanks Harry!” I say my voice cheery and dripping with sarcasm. “I’m really glad you like it!”
“I do.” He says grinning boyishly. “It’s not you, but I like it.”
“And what would you know is me? You haven’t seen me in two years.”
He ignores me again. “Chase must like it that way right? That’s how he likes it huh?”
“As a matter of fact yes he does.” I say defensively.
“I figured.” He says finally dropping his leg. He sits up and leans forward.
“I didn’t know you had become one of those type of girls.”
“And what type of girl is that Harry?” I ask leaning forward as well.
“The kind that lives her life for other people.”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t know me anymore Harry, stop pretending you do okay?”
“But I do Becca. I know you better than you know yourself, and you know me.” He adds and then sits back. “That’s why this whole thing is fucked up.” He mutters.
I look back at him.
He sighs and looks at his hands. “Doesn’t this whole thing bother you? We were best friends Becca. We couldn’t live without each other once and now we don‘t even talk.”
He looks up at me and I instantly wish he wouldn‘t.
“We had everything Bec.”
I swallow and sit back. His eyes have changed. Gone was the cocky, sarcastic Harry of moments ago. His eyes hold something different now.
Regret. Sadness. A tiny bit of love?
No.
I don’t like his eyes and I don’t like what they are saying. I’ve given in too much in the past and let those eyes entrap me.
I can’t venture down that road. That dream is over.
I need to switch the conversation and turn it, so I say the one thing I know will piss him off.
“You had everything.” I say turning away from him. “You just dragged me along for the ride.”
“Do you really believe that?” he asks. His tone has grown darker and I know I have succeeded in changing his mood. “You keep saying that.” He says, breaking up every syllable. “You keep blaming me for my lifestyle that I couldn’t change. When we met you knew who I was and you chose to continue with me. I told you how everything was.”
“You didn’t tell me anything Harry.” I say in irritation. “Your life was bullshit, still is, and it was a COMPLETELY different world than you described. You benefited from it Harry, not me. I just got my name dragged through the mud and rumors and fans hating me because I was in your bed! You didn’t look out for me. You weren’t there for me Harry. You didn’t protect me.”
He sighs and shakes his head angrily.
“This is useless. Your mind is so small and you can’t even comprehend logical thoughts. It’s like talking to a two year old! How the hell did you ever graduate from an ivy league school?”
“Not with your help in California. That’s for damn sure.” I mutter.
“Oh I think it was with my help a little bit. Who got you that job with the magazine? I did. My connections.” He says tapping his chest. “And you loved it then.”
I shake my head in disagreement.
He continues on. “See that’s your problem. My career was okay when it was benefiting you, but the moment things between us got serious, suddenly there was a problem. Suddenly all these excuses and fears crept in. You loved me, I know you did Becca but you stood right in my face and turned me down. How many times did you try to walk away from me? How many times did you try to end things with me? You were the one who wasn’t there for me. All I’ve ever tried to do was love you, and the moment I buy a ring, and present it-”
I cut him off. “Oh please Harry. I didn’t want to marry you okay!” I scream. “I was never going to marry you as long as you were Harry Styles! If you wanted me you would have given it up but noooo, you chose your career; so stop bringing that ring shit up.” I say pointing at him.
“Who does that Becca! Listen to yourself! You wanted me to give up my career so I could be with you. Who asks someone to do that?”
“Someone who was frustrated and wanted to be with the man she loved.” I argue.
“Oh so you’ve asked Chase to give his career up?”
“No.”
“Exactly.” He says quickly.
“But it’s different with him. Our relationship is completely different Harry.”
Harry stands suddenly.
“No. That’s bullshit Becca. You‘re not happy. I can see it. This is not you. None of this is. Stop lying to yourself!” he spits. “Mr. American Eagle is not what you need or want.”
I watch him pace the floor in front of me.
He is steaming. His hands are clenched and he is trying not to lose patience with me, but I have already lost it with him.
I stand too.
“Don’t say that about him. You know nothing about him! I love him Harry. He’s good for me and he treats me like a queen; and most importantly his work stays at that front door.” I say pointing for emphasis. “He doesn’t bring it home to me. Your life was so far in the house, it was in my fucking pores. I couldn’t even breathe.”
Harry finally snaps.
“YEAH WELL I COULDN’T BREATHE WITHOUT YOU! YOU WERE IN MY PORES BECCA.” he finally shouts. I instantly grow quiet.
“You were everything to me! Our life was everything to me!” he continues.
“So I guess that was the difference.” He says finally and turns completely from me.
He doesn’t look at me again and I know he is upset with himself and probably me too.
The anger and fighting is not him. I just bring it out of him.
I don’t take my eyes off of him.
Those words…That moment…
For the first time, I can really see that I have hurt him too. For so long I have suffered in my grief and anger. I have hated him for what he did to us; but now I could see it was the opposite for him.
He truly believed that it was me that had broke us.
We both were carrying the same hurt and weight of the last five years, but for two very different reasons.
His breathing is calming down and his shoulders slump, but I know I have pushed too far this time.
I let my eyes wander from him and focus on the penny again. I know the saying; see a penny, pick it up, then all day you’ll have good luck.
Well I didn’t think this penny or thousands of pennies could help us anymore. There was no amount of luck that could repair what had been shattered.
We were damaged; irrevocably and forever.
The guilt sits on my chest.
“I’m sorry.” I say slowly surprising myself.
Harry shifts and turns to me. I can feel his eyes move slowly back to me.
“What?” he asks in disbelief.
“I’m sorry.” I say and I mean it. However, my tone is far from sentimental.
I don’t know how to be that person with him yet.
“Do you mean it?” he asks
I look at him and meet his eyes. “Yeah.” I say. “I do.”
He doesn’t say anything for about a minute. His gaze shifts away from me and then back again. Away and then back.
I can see his mind running.
“What are you thinking?” I finally ask.
He meets my eyes square on and shifts his hair once more. He sits.
“Honestly?” he questions.
I nod, curious as to what he wants to say. I sit too.
“I think we need to start at the beginning. Go over it all again.”
“What does that mean?” I question in confusion.
“Exactly what I said.”
I don’t know what he means. There have been a lot of endings and beginnings with Harry.
“What does start at the beginning mean? Start how?”
“I think we need to relive it. Talk about it, and fix the pieces that got us here. It’s obvious for both of us, it’s different parts and we both feel like the other did this. So…I say we start at the beginning.”
“And what is the beginning? Bangkok?” I question.
He smiles but nods no.
“My mom’s coffee shop?” I ask. It was the beginning of all beginnings for me.
“No. A little bit after that.” He says. “I think you know what I’m talking about.”
I just look back at him.
I don‘t, but I have a feeling he is about to remind me.
“You think this is actually going to work?” I ask him.
“Why not? We don’t have anything else left.” he says and I know it is the truth.
I settle back in my seat.
“Fine. Then what’s the beginning for you?”
“This.”
And he begins…

Notes

Hello. :)

Hope you guys are enjoying the story so far. I feel i've bombarded you guys with a lot; so i'll update again in a few days. That is, if you guys want me too?

This story is pretty much done, and it is a long one so expect quick updates (and sometimes pretty long chapters)

Thank you for giving it a chance.

Have a great day.

Comments

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK BECCA?! Poor Harry :'(

Prinny1321 Prinny1321
6/9/19

Becca what are you doing! Harry loves you.

En_1960 En_1960
6/9/19

Nooo, Becca, what are you doing?! What's Harry going to think now when he wakes up and she has left... Amazing update as always!!

Harry02 Harry02
6/8/19

Ohhhhh.....Becca. Knee jerk reaction. Thank you for updating

En_1960 En_1960
6/1/19

YES, you're back, I had nearly given up on this story. This is still my favourite story on here so I'm super happy you're continuing it. I loooove the new chapters, so many feels!!!

Harry02 Harry02
5/31/19