All Again

CHAPTER SEVENTY
HARRY

Then.

Day 1
I woke to an empty bed.
Rolling over half past seven the sun beamed bright through my bedroom.
Jumping up to piss first, I headed to the bathroom and quickly washed up.
The house was quiet, nothing outside of the wind from my open balcony and the birds.
I worked my way through my morning routine and then headed to my phone checking my schedule for the day.
It had been a long night and it would be an even longer day.
On show days, in the hours before, I always found myself anxious.
As I browsed my work stuff, ignoring the text messages and emails waiting on me, I headed downstairs.
The house was still quiet, and Becca, where she had disappeared to must have been genetically mixed with a mouse because I didn’t hear her.
Heading to the kitchen first, she was nowhere to be found, but I plugged up my coffee pot making us both a cup.
I wasn’t a heavy coffee drinker but I would need it for the day I had planned.
Glancing at the clock, I had about an hour and a half before I had to meet Jeff to return his car. Becca had already made me aware her shift didn’t start until 2pm, so hopefully we could grab some breakfast too and spend some last minute time together.
Thinking of my Hazel eyed beauty, I headed to my living room, then my dining room still not finding her.
I didn’t think she would be in a guest bedroom but I headed to check…and nope not there.
I searched every crevice of the inside house, before heading to the last location, which was outside by my pool and still didn’t find her.
She was not here.
Grabbing for my phone, I pulled up her number.
I figured maybe she had ran out to get some breakfast or coffee, and I wanted to tell her don’t worry about it. I was already going to have that covered.
As I dialed her number, it went straight to voicemail.
I didn’t worry yet and headed upstairs to take an official shower.
I got dressed, gave Becca until 8:15am, and then called again.
If she was out getting breakfast or something I wanted to make sure she made it back in time, or at least met me at Jeff’s house.
Once more, her phone went straight to voicemail.
For a couple seconds I tried to think of where she could have gone.
I scanned the places close to my house, but it wasn’t like her to just leave without notifying me.
If anything, she typically would just wait until I woke up, and then go with me wherever it was.
Still with Becca lately, I hadn’t been very good at guessing her actions.
Since she had left my house in London, she had been a little off.
Yet, I could argue something had changed about me too.
Still I suddenly had an idea. Heading to my front door, I peeked outside, browsing my cars wondering which one she took.
I was surprised to find they were all there; all lined up and untouched.
So she hadn’t left on her own, she had been picked up.
By who?
And to go where?
And why?
I hoped everything was okay, yet I assumed it was. It made sense. It was probably work calling her in early and knowing I had to meet Jeff she probably didn’t want to bother me.
So knowing I had to get across town, I headed out.
Jeff was texting me already.
As I got in my car, I did try her once more, and again the cheery Sorry you’ve reached Becca, was loud in my ear.
I started my car, turned on my music, and headed to my friend’s house.
Midway through, the phone rang in my car, and the words Madison Dupree came up on my dash.
Accepting the call, I grimaced.
“Hi Maddy.” I said .
“Good Morning Harry!” she said in a cheered expression yet I could hear the sarcasm in her voice and I knew instantly what this call was about.
“You got my text I assume?” I asked.
“Yes I did, and the hundreds of notifications I woke up too. I’m a pretty popular lady today it seems.” She joked.
I bit my lip. It seemed it never failed.
“I’m so sorry. I tried to catch you in time.”
“No it’s fine. I got your text, I was just already asleep. But wow, your fans sure are a mean spirited bunch aren’t they?”
I smiled.
“Passionate.” I corrected. “They mean well. Some of them are just young and…don’t know how to express themselves yet. They’re just protective.”
She chuckled. “Well that’s a nice way to look at it…but yeah. It’s fine…I might have to make my page private, but-“
“Yeah go for it.” I said. “Give it a day or two, it typically dies down. With nothing else, you should be back to semi-normal in a week or so.”
“I hope so. Being called a slut every day before I’ve had my morning coffee isn’t going to be the best way to start my day.”
Her voice was light and I was happy she had a sense of humor about the whole thing. I was so happy she hadn’t overreacted before speaking to me and wasn’t pissed about the harassment- though she had every right to be.
“Well yeah…thanks for being so cool about it though.” I offered.
“Of course. It’s not your fault.” She said softly.
I came to a stoplight.
“What’s the real culprit think though? She’s probably relieved huh?”
“She doesn’t know.” I explained. “I was going to tell her this morning, but my coffee companion is nowhere to be found at the moment. I’ll tell her when I talk to her.”
“Yeah, and don’t worry. I’ve already talked to Xander. He thinks it's comical.”
“Oh he doesn’t think I’m stealing his girl then?”
“I can’t be stolen.” She joked and I smiled.
She and Xander had been casually seeing each other for a few weeks despite their distance across the coasts. I had met Madison a couple days earlier while Becca had been in Mexico. I had even spent the night with them a few nights so we were acquainted, though far from true friends.
“Well good. I’ll talk to you later okay?” I wrapped up quickly.
I didn’t quite feel comfortable talking to her unless Xander was around, even though we had personally exchanged numbers.
“Course! Have a great show tonight!”
“Thanks.” I said and disconnected the call.
As I pulled up in front of Jeff’s house less than fifteen minutes later, he was already waiting on me.
“Tick tock.” He said meeting me at the front door. He tapped his imaginary watch.
“I’m not even late.” I argued. “I’ve still got eight minutes.”
“Yeah right.” He said as he walked through the corridor. “Where’s Becca?” he asked glancing behind me.
I shrugged, shutting his door.
“I don’t know. She disappeared this morning. Probably got called in.”
“Oh.” He said. “Well want to come with us then? Mom asked for you.”
“Shelli’s looking for me again?” I questioned with a wide smile. Me and Jeff’s mother had always had a close relationship- though, I had a pretty close relationship with his whole family. I was quite fond of them.
He rolled his eyes at my hidden joke.
I quickly agreed.
As we discussed Jeff’s family, Glenne came in the room.
Dressed herself and ready to go, Glenne faced me with a smile.
“Hey.” She greeted casually. “I didn’t even hear you guys come in.”
“Just got here.” I explained.
“Oh cool. Are you and Becca coming with us?” Not waiting for my answer, she scanned the room. “Where is she?”
“Becca’s not here.” Jeff answered, then he patted my back. “Seems he’s only gracing us with his presence this morning. Better enjoy it too, now that he’s in love and all.” Jeff said with a wink.
I instantly rolled my eyes, and turned to him.
“See that’s why I didn’t tell you.”
“Well technically you still didn’t. I had to get you drunk first.” He argued. “Besides, I’m glad you told me. I’ve been waiting ever since New York.”
Once again, I just shook my head.
I don’t know how he knew in New York. I didn’t even know.
Plus I didn’t even love her then- or did I?
Glenne smiled and interrupted. “Anyways you two…. Harry, I have a favor. Jeff and his dad have plans after; you think you can come with me? I’ve got to make a few stops and could use your help.”
“Yeah sure. I’m going to try to see Becca before I leave on the bus, so I can’t be too long but we can go a few places.”
“Jeez, can’t stay from her can you?” Jeff teased.
I pushed him.
“Will you get out of here? Go find something to fucking do.” I said as he moved away laughing. He headed out of the room.
Glenne maintained her smile and took over for her boyfriend.
“Speaking of Ms. Becca, did you tell her yet?”
“Tell her what?” I asked cautiously.
“How you feel.”
I turned away from her.
I guess it was gang up on Harry day.
“No, and I’m not telling her.”
And then I sat down.
“At least not yet. I let her know about the break, so…I’ll ease her in slowly. I’ll give it a few months; give it time to gauge where her head is at.” I joked.
“Months!” Glenne exclaimed. “For what?” she asked. “She’s crazy about you too.”
I turned back to her.
“I can’t tell sometimes.” I said honestly.
“Are you joking?” she asked in disbelief.
“No I’m not.” I said then I started to get uncomfortable. “But can we move on from this subject and-“
“No. Why do you think that?” Glenne asked in concern.
She was protective; a second sister at this point and I could tell she was genuinely worried about my thoughts on this.
I sighed.
“I just don’t know.” I said honestly again. “Sometimes she seems like she’s there, and may want more…other times, I feel like she’s just using me to pass the time.”
This time Glenne rolled her eyes. She quickly put her hands up and waved that thought away.
“She’s not. Trust me.” Glenne said. “Be on the outside looking in. I’m willing to bet you any money you both feel the same way.”
I didn’t respond thinking of the night before and her insecurities.
I still wasn’t convinced.
I didn’t know what was up with her lately, but something was different.
As I looked at Glenne she gave me a small reassuring smile.
“You’ll see.” She said wrapping up the conversation.
That thought definitely made me smile.
Becca was just so hard to read sometimes, but even thinking we may want the same things made me incredibly happy.
For now, I still didn’t know what was in her head, but I had put it out there.
Last night I had finally let her know I wanted to see where this could go.
She hadn’t agreed, but she hadn’t disagreed either.
So that was something…I think.
Still…this was getting too personal and I still didn’t like discussing my personal relationships.
I shifted, moving away from the conversation of my heart.
“So…um…when are we leaving?” I asked. “I’m hungry.”
The rest of the day was spent with Jeff and his family, until I eventually got the call I had to get ready for the show.
Becca’s phone was still off and by 1pm- close to her shift- I had called two times and received the same voicemail messages.
All was quiet on her social media pages, so I knew she must have started work earlier, and I left it alone.
Back in 1D land, it was the usual.
Pre show rituals along with meet and greets and the quick meetings they had us do because we were finally all in the same location.
We had come a long way from the days when we use to spend every waking minute together, and now, if it wasn’t for work purposes, we didn’t see each other.
Of course there was the texting behind the scenes, but our group had been in a weird funk for the last month.
Since Louis had announced privately he would be a father, I had been pushing something that had been a long time sore subject between us- a break.
No one wanted it, and when I had initially brought it up in late 2014, everyone had been pissed at me (Except Zayn).
Lately I had been bringing it up again, and once again, the eye rolls and brush offs had begun.
Yet, in the past week, it had finally went in my favor. Louis had finally gotten on board with me, and it was announced yesterday that we would put the plan in motion.
I was buzzing.
Not to leave the band or anything, but just so I could breathe. I was exhausted and ready to have control of my own life again; if just for a little bit.
I could travel. I could relax. I could see my family and my friends. I could get to know myself creatively.
Hell, I could sleep all day.
And then, after the meeting, a different feeling settled.
I could have her.
I could maybe actually explore this thing with Becca.
I could see where it could go.
So as I pranced up and down that stage, there was an extra pep in my step. Right now everything was going right.
After the show, and the shower, and I was in my car headed to my temporary hotel, I tried Becca again.
It was near midnight, and while it was late, I hadn’t heard from her all day and I wanted to hear her voice. Plus I was curious about this picture mess. I wondered if she had come across them yet?
I wondered if she was somewhere picturing the worst.
With her recent issues, I could just see this being something else.
In part because when this stuff started with Sara, I had initially thought maybe it was just the normal jealously of imagining me with other women, but last night I had seen a side of her that I hadn’t realized was festering.
Her thoughts of me and other women were nothing to the blanket it was wrapped in: Becca not thinking she was good enough, and more concerning, she was questioning her place beside me, as if I what she was giving me was much lower on some grand metric scale.
That on top of this picture mess was a cocktail that didn’t need mixing.

This could be me, she would think. How would I handle this?
His fans are going to hate me. I don’t deserve him either.
And blah, blah, another insecurity blah…
I couldn’t understand it though.
This wasn’t her, and something had been triggered that I just couldn’t figure out yet.
Since we had met in January, Becca had been this confident wildly attractive woman; almost untouchable, and definitely someone to be in awe of. For the past few weeks, I had idolized that woman who could care less about me and my fame and who had turned down my picture in that airport, not caring either way who I was or my place in her world.
There was a chase, and an internal battle to keep her interested.
I had to fight for her affections, wowing her and trying to keep her interested in me.
It was refreshing and a big reason I think I was in this place.
She had actually fallen for me, not the celebrity, and though she wasn’t in love like I was, I had gravitated to that; wrapping myself in that anonymity and falling for the simplicity of it all.
Now she was practically kissing me and thinking she was tasting Kendall Jenner’s lip stick. Now she was worried, but I didn’t know why.
My fans, my fame, my celebrity friends…all little pin needles, poking holes at her psyche, and poking at what we had begun to build.
I didn’t know what had happened after that day she met my dad and I disappeared, but I needed to give her reassurance.
After all this was nothing.
Whatever was being discussed and debated on the fan sites was tame in comparison to what it could be.
There could be more and it could be bad, but I would be there.
If we pursued this, I had a plan to make sure she would be okay.
Being in a relationship with me, was exactly that; and we could block all that out together.
As long as she had me, and I had her, we could build a solid foundation on trust.
I would protect her as hard as I could and I would make sure she could understand her place in my world, which would be dangerously close to the front and center.
I just needed to talk to her.
As I placed the phone to my ear, it finally rang and I was relieved to know her phone was back on.
As it rang, and rang, and rang, it became increasingly obvious she wasn’t going to answer and was probably sleep so I disconnected and left her a text message.
*Hey love. Hope your day was well. I miss you. Call me when you get a chance. xx*
I didn’t get a text back as I assumed, and headed to my hotel.
I would talk to her in the morning, I assumed.

Day 2
Bright and early the next day I was back in Los Angeles; this time working.
Studio was the name of the game today, and first I had to meet the boys then my friend Johan.
As I headed into my first session, I still hadn’t heard from Becca.
It was noon and she had another shift, but usually she would have at least texted me back.
Still I didn’t worry yet just going to work and getting lost in the music.
The song Wolves was the project today, and so far the album was 90% done. Of our anticipated seventeen songs, we had a solid fifteen and a couple that we were undecided on.
The album was missing a component; a certain piece of something no one could put their finger on.
We had the upbeat stuff, the rockier stuff, and even a newer sound. Still we didn’t have the love ballad; the You and I, or Little Things.
Hopefully I could change that this afternoon.
As I finished up one session and headed to the next, I got a phone call.
A longtime friend was inviting me to dinner while I was still in town.
I hadn’t decided on my night since it was still around3pm, but the preliminary guess was Becca.
I knew over the course of the next few days we wouldn’t be able to spend extended amounts of time together, but dinner here….breakfast there…a possible sleep over…I would take until we could figure out something.
I sent her a quick text. It fell underneath the one from the previous evening she hadn’t responded too.
*Hey. Busy tonight? Dinner?*
I stuck my phone back in the center console, not expecting an immediate response but heard a chime.
Grabbing my phone again, I was surprised to see she texted me back already.
*Sorry I have plans.*
Smiling that we were finally connected again. I quickly texted her back.
*Want to meet after?*
Her response came in seconds.
*Can’t.*
I texted her again.
*Ok. How’s your day going? Work okay?*
*Its fine. I’m on break and I have to go back soon.*
Figuring she had at least a couple minutes to talk then, I didn’t text back. I called her.
She didn’t answer and rejected my call after three rings.
Hmm.
Confused, and starting to text her again; she beat me.
*Can’t talk. I’ve got to go.*
*Okay.* I finally texted back. *Miss you. Call me when you get off.*
She didn’t.

Day 3
The next day was more work; this time fittings and an interview for a teen magazine. It was going to be small, no more than a couple questions for all of us, and it wouldn’t even have an accompanying photo shoot, but I wasn’t in the mood.
They asked the usual’s:
What’s the most amazing thing a fan has ever done for you?
What’s your worst habit?
What do you like about being on a tour?
And a few, I didn’t hear too often.
What was the last book you read?
Where was your last selfie taken?
I answered them all quickly and then found a chair far away from everything and everybody and just took some time for myself.
I had gone to the gym early that morning and now sitting in front of a bunch of clothes and answering personal questions was the last thing on my mind.
I checked my schedule again for the day.
More work, no rest.
More things I didn’t want to do.
Checking my schedule was a habit I did regularly, but even more-so now.
Since we were taking time off next year, everything was being pushed into the next few months and the last few days I had noticed little things here and there being added.
The single was days away and there was even deliberations about that. Currently management was trying to schedule in a show at Good Morning America in early August and launch interviews.
The shit never stopped.
Noticing I was alone, going to my mental place, Lou came and sat by me.
“How are you feeling today Harry?” she asked in concern, sitting beside me.
“I’m good. Ready to be done.”
“I’m with ya.” She said warmly. “Didn’t get any sleep last night myself.”
Then she turned to me.
“You have plans tonight?”
“Not really. Just want some time to myself tonight.” I said honestly.
It was dawning on me I was in a mood, and I just didn’t want to be bothered today.
I had these moods every now and then; though not lately.
“Well we’ll be finished soon.” She assured.
When I finally made it home, I went to sleep, taking a late afternoon nap.
When I woke up, I fiddled with things to do. We had a show in two days, and tomorrow I had plans with a buddy to meet for golfing, but outside of that, I just wanted to rest and take it easy one night.
I ordered some takeout that consisted of a large salad, and lived in my thoughts.
I had a melody in my head and I was waiting on the words.
The session with Johan had gone well, and he had played me a couple of melodies to write too.
For now, there was a line I had written down a month earlier that I kept coming back too.
For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart, and I’m missing half of me when we’re apart.
It was all I had, but I figured since I had some time I would play around with it.
Heading to my ‘writing’ room, I played his track from my phone and grabbed my journal.
I thought about things. The year so far…
Starting in sunny California, I had spent the beginning of my year on a mini break preparing for tour, spending all my time with Jeff and Nadine.
Nadine…that was a name I hadn’t thought of in a while.
I wondered how she was.
I would probably shoot her a text later.
Yet what for, we weren’t friends anymore, and nothing was going to come of it; my heart was wrapped with a bow tie, and shipped to the front door of Becca Johnson for weeks now.
I shrugged the thought off and moved on.
I thought of February starting the tour, anxious and excited, looking forward to the long year ahead on stage- my favorite place, and then journeying into March where there was another break and Becca.
I remembered the nervousness wondering if she would actually come to Thailand and texting her everyday thinking of things we could do. The anticipation of what the trip could mean was still fresh on my mind. I still hadn’t been planning on hooking up with her, but remembering those days of her little distressed shorts and Vampire Diaries, I smiled.
Who knew what I was getting into as I gave the unfazed brunette girl my number in a coffee shop.
Surely not this.
I sighed.
Around me, the melody was still playing, but I still couldn’t think of a way to pull it all together.
Thoughts continued.
April.
Zayn leaving.
Meeting, recording, meeting, rehearsing, meeting…missing her.
I wish I knew how many times I picked up my phone to call her and didn’t.
I wish I could you tell how I memorized our texts, reading them as if they were my favorite book when I was alone.
It had to have been a record somewhere.
I wondered often if she hated me and if I had let her down.
Had I hurt her?
Did she miss me?
Was she seeing someone else?
The melody continued behind me.
May.
Her coming back.
Me finally breaking down after dinner one night and calling—nervous the whole time that she would just hang up on me.
Seeing her.
Kissing her.
The beach.
My bed.
The hotel.
The promise of a committed summer fling.
Last month.
Cooking together.
Driving together.
Sleeping beside each other.
Making love, the first time heavy on my mind.
Fuck, I missed her.
The melody continued behind me.
Clearing my throat, I tried to focus.
I needed to pull this all together somehow.
Yet I couldn’t focus.
Hazel eyes and a pretty smile had me completely distracted.
I reached for my phone. I shot Becca a text.
*Hey you! What are you doing?*
It was eight in the evening and today was her day off. Tomorrow, going off memory she had another shift, and I was missing her more than ever.
I peered at the words in front of me as I waited for her response.
For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart, and I’m missing half of me when we’re apart.
I stared at the words; it was an algorithm before me.
My phone buzzed.
*Helping my parents*
I texted back.
*Well what did you do today?* I asked inquiring more.
*Spent time with friends.* she answered.
I waited for more of the message; it was fun…we went shopping…how was your day?
She didn’t text anything more. For whatever reason, her texts were short and sweet today.
I got straight to the point.
*Can I see you? I’ll come get you.*
Quickly she texted back.
*Probably not tonight.*
And then,
*Sorry.*
I sighed disappointed.
*When?*
I texted back.
I wasn’t getting anxious yet, but I needed something tonight- or someone.
Maybe I needed her.
It had been a long day and I was still in a weird funk.
Lately she had shown she could pull me out of it.
I’ve got scars, even though they can’t always be seen.
I tapped my phone.
Thinking…
Thinking…
The texts lagged and suddenly my phone went silent as I waited for a response.
And pain gets hard…
*I’m not sure.* she said after twenty minutes. *My schedule is insane right now.*
I texted her back quickly.
*That’s fine.* I assured. *I just miss you. I want to see you even it’s a couple minutes, so I’m willing to work with you, just let me know when.”
And then I had a thought.
*Have you thought anymore about my offer?*
Think I might, give up everything just ask me too.
*Haven’t had time.*
Pay attention I hope that you listen, cuz I’ve let my guard down.
I sat back, getting comfortable. My thoughts on writing were suddenly on the back burner.
*Do you have a couple minutes? I’m going to call you so we can talk.* I asked.
I needed to hear her voice; her texts though there, were cold in comparison to the tone of her voice.
* I actually have to go.* she said and I sighed again.
*Ok. Have a goodnight.* I said reluctantly and tossed my phone on the table.
Know that I’m just wasting time.
I shut my journal.
I stopped the music.
I wasn’t in the mood to write.
Looking at the gibberish scribbles in my journal, the shit made no sense and I still only had one good line.
My mind was only on Becca.
Oh well.

Day 4
The next day I was golfing.
She was still on my mind.
“Oh look at you!” my friend Scotty Cameron, exclaimed as I hit another bunker shot.
“You gotta a blast for sure!”
Watching the ball, we smiled at each other as my ball went right into the green.
“Jeez, you’re on a role today.” He said, as we grabbed our clubs.
“I’m focused.” I said. And I was.
Golf was the only other thing that could completely distract me from the outside world, and going to Scott’s studio, one of the best in the PGA, instantly relaxed me.
I had been waiting on this all week.
“You’re getting better and better.” He said. “This maybe could have been a second job for you after all.”
Maybe on the break, I wanted to answer but instead I just said.
“Who knows?”
When I finished, I headed to Jeff’s house, changed and just hung around with he and Glenne until it got late.
Once more, all day there had been nothing from Becca and tonight it would settle in that something was wrong.
As we sat around discussing dinner options, Glenne brought her up first.
“Is Becca coming to meet us?” she asked casually as we browsed menus.
By now, my next statement had already dawned on me, but saying it aloud, would finally kick it in.
“I haven’t even talked to Becca.” I said.
“Busy girl huh?” Glenne asked.
“I guess.” I said. Outside of work, I wasn’t even aware of anything else she might have had going on. She was barely talking to me though I didn’t think it was on purpose.
“Well call her.” Glenne suggested. “Tell her the sushi is to die for. She’ll love it.”
Scanning my own menu, I shook my head no.
“I don’t think that’s going to make her come.” I said honestly. It was obvious where her priorities were at the moment.
Glenne studied me.
“What’s going on?” she asked. “You guys fighting or something?”
“No.” I said, then added. “I don’t think.”
“You don’t think?” she questioned and I just shrugged again.
I turned to her.
“Well why do you say that?” Glenne asked.
“I just haven’t heard from her.” I said, “And normally I would. Its just been work, work, work the last few days. Really since we’ve got back from London... she hasn’t really been very talkative unless we’re together.”
“Well good for her.” Glenne said with a smile, and I grew confused. “Appreciate that.” She nudged. “You don’t want a clingy girl. If you really are looking at this long term, then you both have to settle into this distance thing. It’s good that she keeps herself busy too.”
She turned from me.
I didn’t agree.
“No.” I said. “She’s not that busy that she can’t shoot a quick text. It takes two seconds to say ‘good morning’ Glenne.”
Glenne smiled at me amused.
“Aww you really do like her-”
I immediately rolled my eyes while she patted my leg. She quickly became my therapist.
“Listen, you’re only worried because you care about her and this is new. Plus you guys have been ridiculously up under each other… Think in normal situations Harry…couples don’t text each other all day. Me and Jeff certainly don’t.” and then she continued. “Let the girl work. She has to make her money and live her life just like you. You’ll link up soon I’m sure.” She advised. “Be patient.”
“Yeah,” I said quietly, though I wasn’t totally convinced. Something was off, and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. My gut knew it was something else.
“Maybe she’s just playing games.” I surmised.
Glenne looked back at me.
“You girls love the mind games.” I said with a smirk.
Glenne smiled back. “Maybe she is. Playing hard to get is fun. Keeps you on your toes right?”
I just smiled as well.
“She doesn’t need to keep me on my toes. Let you guys tell it, she’s already got me on my knees.” I joked.
“She does.” Glenne said with a wink and we shared a final smile. “And you love it.”
Day 5
“SEEEEEEEEEEEEEATTLE!!!”
The crowd roared around me.
I walked the stage.
“Do we have any Seahawks fans?”
More cheers and chants.
I smiled and fed off the energy from the crowd.
“What a shame.” I said, reaching for a fans Cheesehead.
I stuck it on my head, displaying it proudly.
“Chhheeessseee.” I teased, dancing, referencing the Packers, my favorite American football team.
“I’m sorry.” I said laughing as I continued my taunt on the crowd and they gently booed. “I’m sorry.”
Tonight I was in Seattle, Washington. Show number three.
Rejuvenated.
Refreshed.
Loving my job.
I had a friend in the audience tonight from the Pink Slips who I had took Becca to meet weeks earlier, and the fan meet and greets had been a lot of fun.
By the time I got back to my hotel, I was still buzzing. I would be returning back to California in the morning, and then back on the stage in Vancouver in two days.
Alone in my bed, and alone in my thoughts, it ventured again to Becca.
It had been a week in business days since we had really spoke or saw each other.
Earlier in the day I had contemplated texting her, but had heeded thinking of Glenne’s warning.
What it was just work?
What if she was just busy?
The girl hadn’t gotten all of those scholastic ribbons and honors by being lazy. She was obviously someone who worked hard and she was probably just committing to her parents right now.
We were still good, and this was still fine…I just needed to give her some time.
So though I missed her, instead of texting her at 2am becoming a nuisance, I went to her accounts.
I started with Twitter. She had tweeted tonight, only a few hours earlier around 12am.
BeccaPenelope94: …Will rise the first place on the charts…
Cryptic.
Short and sweet.
And I had no idea what she was talking about.
She was a quote person.
Her Twitter was riddled with song lyrics, book dialogues, and movie quotes.
Sometimes, honestly, I think she just tweeted for the hell of it.
So I didn’t inquire.
It wasn’t worth figuring out.
Yet.
I headed to her Instagram.
Another post. Only an hour earlier posted just after 1am.
My intrigue rose a little bit.
So she might have been up…
I looked at the photo.
A photo of a TV screen, with the lovely Olivia Newton John in the movie Grease. It was a screenshot of her famous scene from the song Hopelessly Devoted To You with the subtitles Becca must have had on her TV. The white lettering read “My heart is saying, “Don’t Let Go”
Her personal caption read #MOOD.
I smiled. I could relate.
Man, I missed her.
Hopelessly devoted to her.
Now I was interested though.
I headed back to her Twitter, punching in the quote she had posted shortly before her Instagram post.
I googled it.
It was another Grease quote. Another song.
Beatings of my broken heart will rise the first place on the charts.
Hmm.
That was a bit weird.
Her posts sure were depressing tonight.
Was she upset about something?
Was she feeling lonely?
Did she miss me?
Fuck appearing needy.
I sent her a quick text.
*Hey love, you awake?*
I waited five minutes…ten…twenty…before figuring she was asleep.
I stayed up a little longer until I started to drift to sleep myself.
I was thinking about her.
I was hoping she was okay and not lonely.
I was hoping she wasn’t thinking about our distance and having doubts about this.
I hoped she understood it was killing me too.
As I flipped in the cold hotel bed, a line came to me. A perfect line straight out of thin air.
For when you’re lonely and forget who you are…
I hummed it.
I blended it.
Finally a second line.
For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart. For when you’re lonely and forget who you are, I’m missing half of me when we’re apart.
I sat up.
Something came to me.
I needed my pen.

Day 6
“I worked on it all night. I think I’ve got the song.”
As I faced Johan, I held my pad in front of me.
I was back in Los Angeles, and back in the studio.
“You finished it?” he asked in surprise.
“Well it needs some tweaks here and there, but yeah….I got it down early this morning. Can you play it for me?” I asked him.
We were alone in the session, and he was sat at a piano in front of me.
He nodded yes and swerved around on the bench.
As he began to play the opening chords of the song I had blended the words too, I began to sing.
For your eyes only, I show you my heart
For when you're lonely and forget who you are
I'm missing half of me when we're apart
Now you know me, for your eyes only
I've got scars, even though they can't always be seen
And pain gets hard, but if I think about you, I don't feel a thing
Right now, I’m completely defenseless
Pay attention, I hope that you listen, cause I’ve let my guard down.
For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart
Now you know me, for your eyes only

As he finished his final chord, I looked at him for approval.
“I like it.” He said. “It’s beautiful. You wrote that since we met?’”
I nodded yes and smiled widely. I could tell he genuinely liked it.
“Yeah. Thank you.”
I shuffled my papers and rubbed my ankle.
“I haven’t figured out how to start it, but that’s the bulk of it. I’m going to call it obviously, For Your Eyes Only.”
“And is that what you were looking for?” he asked in surprise. “For the album?”
I shrugged.
“I don’t really know. Depending on how it all falls at the end, it might be too much and something I wouldn’t want to necessarily share with the world, especially on our type of album. But ….its been on my mind and I had to write it.”
“Why wouldn’t you want to share it?” he asked.
His question didn’t cross the line.
In my sessions, I was very open. You had to be, to get the best stuff. The writers often knew some of my deepest darkest secrets.
“It’s a bit too honest.” I said. “It’s about someone I’m close too.” I said honestly. “And I don’t know if I want to necessarily be this open.”
“That’s when the best stuff comes out.” He argued.
“Yeah but, still…”
“Have you played it for the person?”
“No.” I said quickly. “I haven’t decided yet if I want too.”
“Well you want to finish it though?”
“Of course…I think I need too.”
He turned back to the piano and played with the chords.
“You said you need help with the beginning?”
“Yeah.” I said honestly.
He played a chord.
“Well tell me.” He said. “What did you think about?”
“With her?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Yeah and the song. Take me back to that place you were at when you wrote it.”
I thought back to last night in the hotel room.
The day before that, and the one before that.
The last time I saw her, falling asleep as I held her against me.
“Well I missed her.” I said immediately. “Still do. I haven’t seen her in a few days, and its fucking sucked to be honest.”
I shifted my papers to the side for a moment. I quickly explained.
“I’ve been here and she’s been there. We’ve been working and we haven’t really talked like we usually do. Its just been like… driving me crazy cuz I’m use to speaking to her consistently through the day.”
“Cue the missing half of me?”
I smiled. “Maybe. I don’t know if I’m in that deep yet.” I said honestly. “She’s just my person right now. She’s keeping my shit together.”
He was still playing the song on the piano, trying to get the juices flowing.
I sat back, thinking to myself.
“It’s weird though…with her…Ya know sometimes you meet people and it’s like good…everything just kind of flows together, but it dies out quickly ya know? Or like things are right, but it’s still wrong in some ways-”
He nodded yes. “Been there.”
“Me too. I’ve had that a lot.” I said honestly working through my thoughts.
“But?”
“But….” I began. “But then…I met her and since, it’s like…what is this? What the hell have I walked into? Like I never want to leave it and I don’t even know how the hell I got here. And with everything that is wrong, it still ends up right.” I said.
He kept playing, listening and waiting for the peak of inspiration to complete my thoughts on paper.
“I don’t worry about things when I’m with her. I can sleep. I can block shit out. And I can actually be completely busy, and completely still at the same time. It’s weird...and it becomes all you think about.” I continued. “And…worry if they feel the same…and it does kind of start to feel like missing something when you’re not with them…ya know honestly, if she called right now, I would go to her…if I could be anywhere, right now, I’d go where she is, as crazy as that sounds.”
Johan paused as we locked eyes.
He looked at me if as if I had just had some profound statement.
Really, the ramble was my sleep deprivation picking on me.
I sighed again, rubbing my eyes.
What the hell Harry? And what the hell was the original question? And boy, oh boy you shouldn’t have stayed up so late.
“Anyway, scratch all that.” I said waving the thought away. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.” I said with a chuckle. “I’ve only had three hours of sleep.”
He smiled.
“I disagree. I think you know exactly what you’re talking about. She means something to you. And everything you said, everything you’ve written is just coming out of that. Use that. Embrace it. Don’t run from it.”
“What if she runs from me?” I joked.
“Tell her not too.” He said, then turned back to the piano.
“Grab your pen.” He said gently. “I think I may be able to sort this out for you.”
“Really?” I asked sitting back up, getting suddenly excited. From all that ramble?
“Yeah.” He said. “We may be able to tweak it into something. Get the right words.”
“Great! Play it again?”
The song was completed four hours later.
We even had a rough demo cut of my vocals.
After the session, I was anxious.
He had me thinking about shit I hadn’t thought of and itching to say shit I shouldn’t say.
Once again I needed to talk to her.

I called Becca, while in the private comforts of my car.
This time, finally, she answered.
"Hello?" she answered after the fourth ring.
"Hey!" I said already excited to hear her voice. "Hey love."
"Hey." she said.
Wherever she was, I could tell she was in a car and the wind from an opened window was loud in the phone.
"How are you?" I asked.
"I'm good." she said quietly. "How are you?"
"Good! Just got out of a session. What are you doing?"
"I'm driving. With friends."
"Oh." I said. "How’s your day been?"
"Fine." She said shortly.
Okay…fine…
"Cool. Um," I shifted in my own car. "How long will you be with them? I um...have something for you. And I need to talk to you about something.”
"What?" she asked.
I smirked.
"Well I’m not going to tell you over the phone, that defeats the purpose... you have to meet me for a bit.”
I kept my voice playful, and waited on her response.
"Oh, um. I’m kind of-"
"Just for a few minutes-" I threw out quickly. "I know you're busy too, and i just want to see you quick.”
“I don’t think I can Harry.”
“Please?” I asked putting charm in my tone. “I’ll make it worth it. I promise.”
She didn’t respond.
“You still there?” I questioned.
“Yeah.” She said. She cleared her throat. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Okay but…look, I know we haven’t really spoken the last few days and I haven’t really been updating you…but my schedule is changing…almost everyday now and I’m going to be heading to Chicago sooner than I thought and that’s just today, at the rate I’m on, that may change tomorrow….so if we can, I’d really like to see you today. I’m kind of missing you a bit.” I said honestly.
The Chicago bit was new news to her.
"Chicago? For what?" she asked.
"Work stuff. A division of our label is headquarted there, and we have some stuff to work out. In between the shows, we'll be stationed there, and I head out (for now) on the 21st so…can we figure something out? Can we maybe do dinner, or you stay the night?”
She was quiet for a moment, letting the wind whip in the phone. Then it completely cut out.
I instantly thought she hung up.
“Becca?” I called. “You still there? Babe?”
Seconds later, she and the noise returned. Her cheek probably hit mute or something.
"I can't." she answered finally.
I sighed.
"Why?" I asked this time. "What are you guys doing?"
"Well me and my friends um…we made plans and..I just can't Harry. I'm sorry. I’m nowhere near you right now to get away."
“Well I don’t care about that, I’ll come to you.” I offered. “I’m done working for the day, so just tell me where. I’m in my car right now. I’ll come now.”
“I can’t.” she said again.
I tried to not get upset but as I said my next sentence it came out a little bit irritated.
"Well when can we make plans?" I asked. "I know you're busy with life, and stuff… and I get that, but seeing your friends--- I mean, can't you do that a different time?"
"No." she said. "They're important to me Harry."
"I didn't imply they weren't.” I said quickly. “But I’m sure they’ve seen you, a couple times even and I haven’t.”
"Well I told you I would be busy-“
“Yeah I know that love, and don’t mistake me, that’s not the issue. I’m happy that you’re working. I just want to see you….and…don’t you want to see me?” I asked.
She didn’t answer my direct question, though she did answer.
“I’m not in town.”
Now that was news to me.
"Where are you?" I asked.
"I'm...” she paused a beat. “I'm… in San Francisco."
"Since when?" I asked.
"Yesterday." she said. "I left yesterday morning. I'm with Kelsey and her family."
Now that was a lie...
I had seen her Instagram photo—to remind you, that had been in her bedroom; only a couple hours earlier.
She was definitely not in San Francisco and she was booked solid at work...i knew because I had a screenshot of her schedule she had forwarded on to me the day before the San Diego concert.
Did she forget she had sent that to me?
Did she forget the plans we were planning on making?

Why was she lying?
And to me?
I grew quiet.
The wind was still whipping wherever she was and she grew quiet too.
What the hell was I missing?
"Becca-" I began. My mind pieced everything together very quickly. I was starting to figure this shit out.
Maybe her leaving my house the way she did was something more?
Maybe I had said the wrong thing?
Maybe I had pushed a little too hard.
Either way, my own insecurities took over, and my mind drifted to the worst.
"Is something wrong?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked slowly.
"With you? Or...us? Are you mad at me?”
“No.”
“Did i do something? Cross the line or-"
“No.” she said quietly again.
“No?” I questioned.
She was quiet.
“Well did I say something? Did you read something? I mean what’s going on?”
She grew quiet again.
One second.
Two seconds.
Three seconds.
Four seconds.
“Why does something have to be wrong, and why are you asking me all these questions?” she asked defensively.
“Because I miss you. And I’ve been trying to see you.” I said honestly. “I want to make sure I’m not missing something here. I want to make sure we’re still on the same page.”
Quiet.
Again.
One seconds.
Two seconds.
Three seconds.
Four seconds.
Five seconds.
Six seconds.
"What do you mean?" she asked again.
I rolled my eyes.
“I think you know what I mean Becca." I said honestly. "Is it still the Kendall thing? Or maybe what I asked you? Did I scare you? Because if I did, just tell me. We can talk about it. You can tell me anything." I said softly.
"What did you ask me?" she questioned.
What?
I felt my whole face crease.
Huh?
Had I been asleep for the last six days?
Had there been some alien abduction taking certain people and wiping their brains?
Had I imagined the whole conversation as she was nude on top of me?
I could be a pretty creative guy, but I seriously doubted it.
“What do you mean?” I asked her this time. “What I asked you.” I reiterated. “About us.”
She grew quiet again, the phone cutting out- the wind and her voice gone.
This had to be the weirdest phone call I had ever had.
“Becca?” I called again. “Are you there?”
Un-muted again, she came back.
“Yeah I’m here.” She said in a rush.
“Becca what’s wrong with you?” I asked suddenly. “Are you drunk or something?”
What the hell was going on with my girlfriend?
She giggled.
“No I’m not drunk at two in the afternoon. I just can barely hear you.” She said, and then, “I’m going to have to talk to you later.*
I ignored her.
“Forget that. When do you get back from San Francisco?” I asked.
“I can’t hear you.” she said.
I just sighed, getting impatient.
“You can hear me enough Becca.”
“Barely.” She said.
“WHEN DO YOU GET BACK?” I practically screamed.
“In a week.” She said.
My heart damn near fell out of my chest.
“So after the 21st?“ I questioned for clarification.
“Yeah.” She said quietly. “Probably.”
I sighed.
I pushed my thoughts into overdrive, I was trying to remember my Chicago schedule and the next time I could see her outside of that, and how I could get to San Francisco-
“Harry I’ve got to go.” She cut in quickly. “I’ll have to call you later.” She said.
“But Becca I-“
She hung up before I could even say more.

DAY 7
I still didn't hear from her.
No phone calls.
No texts.
No, nothing.


DAY 8
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

DAY 9
I was over it.
Up early the next morning at the gym, I was trying not to think about her.
It was my day off and the thoughts of Becca were pushed to the back of my mind; at least, trying to be.
I was confused.
I was frustrated.
I was kind of pissed off.
For now, I was trying to get over her.
Cycling along to the rap song in my earphones, I tried not to think about what she was doing.
Oh yeah, in San Francisco…
With Kelsey’s family.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Her 2012 Silver Prius parked on the side of her mom’s coffee shop, three miles from my current location told me that was a lie.
She was at work, living her gloriously, doesn’t want to be bothered with Harry life. Well she could have her wish.
I paused the machine I was on.
The Soul Cycle class I had been in, long over and now just passing time.
I thought of my next steps.
I didn’t want to go to the studio.
I didn’t want to write.
I didn’t even really want to hang out with anyone.
I just wanted to talk to her.
So leaving the small gym, I had half the thought of heading to the café. A little morning coffee to accompany my morning workout paired with the wide eyed surprised expression of Becca Johnson.
That could be satisfying to me.
Yet I didn’t care that much.
Why should I let her know I knew she was lying- she obviously was trying not to see me again.
Though I didn’t know why.
I didn’t know what I had did or what I had missed on our last night together.
She had slept with me, screamed my name, kissed me and cuddled against me as we fell asleep.
Then, this.
I couldn’t understand it.
Getting in my car, I eventually headed home.
I fussed around.
I cleaned.
I did laundry.
I watched TV.
Texted.
Anything to keep busy.
Eventually the texts came through from Jeff, asking if I wanted to meet he and Glenne for dinner.
I still didn’t want to see anyone, but I was quickly running out things to do.
So reluctantly I agreed, as usual.
Heading upstairs, I sent the agreement text .
I laid down.
Hours later I was back up, dressed and headed to his house.
My texts and emails had picked up with the run of the day, and now I was no longer jumping to check them.
None of them were going to be her.
When I got to Jeff’s house, my mood was still bothered but pretending to be still over it.
“Where are we going?” I asked as Jeff grabbed for his keys and Glenne her purse.
“Bagatelle. French Cuisine. We made reservations a few nights before. Supposed to be a trendy place.”
“Great.” I said uncaring either way. I wasn’t the pickiest of eaters, and just wanted to get the night over with anyway.
I was still thinking.
Maybe I would do some investigating.
Maybe tomorrow I would go by the coffee shop and demand answers; I deserved that much.
You don’t just spend all your time with someone, completely in and then just decide to be out. It didn’t work that way- and for finally putting my heart out there and trying-I wasn’t going to just let that shit be in vain.
She had meant something to me, and if I meant even a slither of anything to her, we were going to work this shit out.
I wanted to be with her and I needed to know why she suddenly didn’t want to be with me.
“Have you heard from Becca?” Glenne asked causally as we drove.
“Nope.” I said and before she could get started, quickly put out the disclaimer. “And I don’t want to talk about her.”
She shut up quickly, giving me a look from the rearview mirror and I ignored them both.
It wasn’t their business anyway.
We started on the opposite of town, with Glenne needed to pick up something.
Deep in pap city, I posed for multiple photos and tried to make the fan photos appear even a little more genuine.
In reality, smiling and throwing a huge thumbs up was the last thing on my mind. I couldn’t fake this shit today if I tried and as I hugged one, two…fucking fifteen fans I became more and more irritated and my small smile a little tighter.
I finally understood the words to my own 2014 song.
Mind is running in circles of you and me, everyone in between is the enemy.
Yeah…where did broken hearts go?
Guess I needed to figure it out.
“You want to go home?” Jeff asked noticing after a while. “Skip dinner?”
“Gotta eat.” I reminded him. “Let’s just actually get to the restaurant and you guys do your shit later.”
“Sure.” Glenne said quickly. “Sorry.”
In the back of the car, I continued to be the third wheel grump until we made it to Bagatelle.
The place was nice, all stark white clothed tables, big unscented candles surrounded with tall wine glasses and sparkly chandeliers.
It was a romantic spot, definitely some place Glenne and Jeff should have came alone. It was also a place I could have maybe taken Becca…but I had to forget about all that.
I had to go back to thinking of I, and not us anymore.
Maybe I sounded dramatic. Maybe I sounded like I was jumping ahead a bit; but wouldn’t you?
Hadn’t she made it more than obvious she didn’t want to be bothered with me?
When we arrived, the celebrity privilege of being an Azoff, standing next to an A-lister boybander, got us one of the best seats in the house, and an area where we had complete privacy.
Taking a seat, we were still in the general area, but more secluded further off so that our presence wasn’t immediately noticed.
As we ordered our drinks, I tried to focus on the menu, thinking of what I even wanted to eat while Jeff and Glenne made small talk.
There were talks of future plans, some vacation they wanted to take in the near future, while I realized the only vacation I was going to be taking would be from my hotel room soon. I had a day and a half before it all kicked off again.
“Harry are we going to meet you in Chicago, or wait for London?” Jeff asked eventually.
“Don’t worry about it. Xander’s coming out.” I said.
“Oh really?’” they asked in surprise.
“Yeah, he agreed to be my...ya know…” I trailed off hating to say the words.
My person.
My reassurance.
The person who kept me out of depression and homesickness.
“Oh.” Jeff said quietly. This was a role he was used to taking on, as he and others had done in the past.
Sometimes I needed someone on the road with me- just to keep a clear head and since Becca-
“What about Becca?” Glenne asked, bringing the person of my thoughts front and center. “Is she able to take off for school?”
I sighed.
They were going to keep asking me about her, so I guessed I should tell them.
“We’re not together anymore.” I said finally. “So let’s move on.”
As I said the words they seemingly burned my tongue and I had to take a sip of my wine to push it down.
“What do you mean?” Glenne asked in worry.
I lifted my hand, waving her concerns away.
“It’s fine.” I said. “Mutual decision.”
Glenne looked to Jeff, and Jeff looked to me.
They were itching…just dying to ask me more…
I tried to ignore them both.
Eventually the wine came with the breadsticks and the salads, and I picked at my food.
The girl at the table beside us was a fan, and outside of dodging her curious looks, I was continuously trying to block out Jeff and Glenne’s conversation and worried looks.
I wanted to be back home.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to knock some sense into my own goddamn self.
She was just a girl.
And I didn’t need to care. But I did. I really did.
Dropping my fork, I needed a second.
Harry pep talk time.
I stood.
As their eyes lifted, I smiled at the protective glances.
“Going to the bathroom. Relax.”
Jeff smirked, but Glenne continued to give me a look- the same look she had gave me since I made the announcement of me and Becca.
I moved away from the table, heading towards the right side of the large room, near the tucked away corner of the bathrooms.
As I passed through the tables, I tried not to make direct eye contact with anyone. Lord knows I didn’t want to do more pictures or sign autographs.
I loved my fans, but popstars were entitled to bad days too.
I shuffled quickly until I heard a laugh.
A laugh so distinctive that it was a large alarm in my ear.
Turning swiftly to my left, about three tables from me, my eyes landed on the source of the sound.
The sound I had heard a million times in my home, in my bed, in my arms…yet now, mixed with a heavier tenor voice.
It took all of three seconds for my eyes to lock on hers and hers to lock on mine.
Becca was here.
Not at the coffee shop. Not in San Francisco.
Here.
And she wasn’t alone.
As our eyes connected, her breath hitched and her laugh suspended in mid he haw.
What the hell?
Her companion- her date- turned to my direction after seeing her pause.
I looked at him.
As my eyes locked on the light skinned male in front of me, the video for Night Changes was on sudden view before me and I finally understood why this particular scene was given to Zayn.
This remake in front of me was about to have the real ending.
I wanted to grab him.
I wanted to kick his fucking ass, and then, I wanted to move to her; but not to hurt her, but to understand.

Why?
Why me?
Why him?
Why did you move on?
Why did you have to do it this way?
Why didn’t you just tell me?

As her mouth opened, unpausing to speak, I just looked at her and she at me.
What could she say?
It was all there before us and suddenly every missing piece of the last few days quickly gathered together.
She had moved on, and she had moved on to someone else.
She couldn’t see me because she was seeing him.
Why?
“Babe? You okay?”
As the other man spoke turning back to her, calling her the name I had called her so many times, I felt it.
That’s when I knew I really loved her and that it wasn’t just some figment of my imagination. It wasn’t just deep lust.
This time it had been real, and now, this shit burned.
It burned through every muscle, every tendon, every vein until it filtered out through me singeing the air between us.
She had broke my heart; though for the first time, but not certainly the last.
As her mouth remained paused, with no sound and her eyes moving back to him, I pushed forward.
I pushed forward heading towards the bathrooms where I started.
Whatever. Let it go. Move on.
She didn’t even call after me.
She didn’t stand and follow me.
She didn’t plead for me to come back or cry it’s all a big misunderstanding.
No, she just sat there.
Looking at him, looking at her.
She just sat there.
She just let me go.

Notes

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