All Again

CHAPTER SIXTY EIGHT

HARRY
Now.

Jeff once told me it was supposed to be Kelsey.
That somehow fate had gotten confused and placed me with Becca instead of her friend.
He said all the signs had clearly been there
For instance, the way we had all met, and the way I saw them both twice...
The way me and Kelsey had always got on really well, almost as if best friends in a previous life.
The way she looked, all long blonde hair and blue eyes; definitely more my type.
He figured somehow fate had misread it.
Somehow in the confusion the pairings had been railroaded and that is why me and Becca never worked out.
Look at the endless back and forth's.
The fights.
The misunderstandings, he would say. This relationship drives you absolutely insane.
Love isn't this hard.
It was true he had seen me literally pulling my hair out and affected for days over some of our harder fights; but see, I always thought it was the opposite.
I always thought that's how I knew she was meant for me.
In a strange way, I felt it just meant I was supposed to earn it.
Something so wonderful isn't always easily handed out and for the magic that was placed in her love, I needed to fight like hell- to not only get it, but to keep it.

Yet, as I look back at Becca now, I don't know if I still believe it.
Love isn't supposed to be this hard; is it?
It seems all too much.

"You know you can cut in at any time."
I sigh at the counter I have been studying for the last seven minutes. I haven't looked up, spoke, or made any type of contact with the person in front of me.
Even still I can feel the heat of the hazel eyes, but I try to ignore it.
"This isn't a one sided story ya know?" she says continuing with minor impatience.
I still don't respond.
In the full seven minutes, she has continued on with her ramblings about San Diego and that stupid concert, and that stupid day, and all the other stupid shit she talks about to avoid what's coming.
Her screenworthy declaration of 'I love you' is only minutes away, and I know she is trying to stall. Is it from the embarrassment of the memory I'm not sure, but she's slow to get there, while I am anxious.
Let's get to the real shit now.
The sappyness is dead.
So she loved me...so I loved her....blah, blah fucking blah.
I clear my throat.
"Well... why cut in, when you're doing such a lovely job?" I say dryly.
I spin the cup in front of me.
Even from here, I can guess the eye roll that takes over her face.
She sighs.
"Well i'm not going to be the only one talking today." she mumbles.
"Duly noted." I say a few seconds later.
As I don't rush to pick up the story, silence takes over the kitchen. She's waiting on me and I know she wants me to give my version. She wants the gaps filled in for those days that we didn't talk and what seemingly happened after London.
I know she wants to know my thoughts, my feelings, my words...when everything changed for me; that switch that seemed to turn on. I want Becca. I'm going to be with Becca. Fuck the world and what anybody thinks!
Yet, even after all this time I haven't come to grips with it myself, so its best to take a moment to gather my thoughts.
That time was… complicated.
The day I discovered I loved her was a tropical storm that eventually erupted into a full-on hurricane.
Back then, as I sat in meeting after meeting and did promotional events, she laid in my bed and my thoughts. My mind had been a constant overdrive of her. Love her, push her away, love her, push her away...until the frustration kicked in.
The little time we spent together in the last few days in London, I was pissed off.
I was pissed at myself because I wanted to be with her and I knew I couldn't.
However, that final day, I had come back home.
Her Coconut Frosting shampoo had wafted its way through my bedroom, and I had smiled, well before I had even seen her.
I had been up since four, hardly sleeping at this point and had gone to work out and see a friend. On the way back, I had picked up breakfast and coffee.
'There you are.' she had said, all wrapped in a towel and cheery. As she had padded her wet feet across my floor, I tried not to see her.
Forcing the focus on the morning news, I tried not to get excited at the nude body in front of me. It had been nine days. Nine, since we had slept together, and since I had really touched her. Two hundred and twenty three hours since I had felt her skin slide against mine or even tasted her lips.
I guess you could say I had been counting.
'What do you want to do today?' I had asked minutes later, in which she gently shrugged. She was just as unsure as I was and not really jumping to do anything.
Truthfully I wasn't ready for her to leave, but at the same time, I couldn't wait until she was out of the fucking door.
I couldn't wait to breathe again; the air suddenly a little too thick when I was around her.
I was on eggshells.
I wondered if she could tell.
Was there a certain way you looked at someone when you loved them?
Was there a change in your tone?
Was it always a constant loop of them on your mind from there on out?

I mentioned some plans-dinner- that I had planned well before she came.
I had debated cancelling them the days before fearing it was too intimate, but never did, ultimately wanting to do something special for her.
She still wasn't my girlfriend in official terms, and I had already resolved I would never tell her how I truly felt, but pretending sure felt good.
I had tried for nine unsuccessful days to get her out of my system, but that night I learned, for now, she was permanently kept.
Falling out of the bubble of Becca wasn’t going to be as easy as falling into it
That night as we headed out, I knew something was going to happen.
The day had just been building up.
The protected reverie I had hardened when away from her, pierced every time she looked at me, smiled at me or even attempted contact... and I shouldn't go into detail about the one moment in my laundry room it all suddenly became too much, forcing me to run to the nearest bathroom and relieve myself; her name on my lips as I came in my own hands.
At dinner I was even worst.
Coming down that staircase, she was all fairytales and wildest dreams combined.
I knew I didn't stand a chance.
It was going to take a while to get over her and this one would hurt.
It wasn't a question of when I would get over her anymore. No that night let me know the question would forever become if.
If I could get over her. If I could walk away. If one day I wouldn't care.
Well let me tell you, if was still a long way away.

Even today.

I need to gather.
Harry pep talk, number 500.
Screw her. She ruined your life.
As I begin the mental berating, the newer, more intimidating Becca sighs and pulls away from the counter.
My eyes lift as she stands, bringing me back once more to our doomed future.
"I'll be right back." she announces a second later.
I figure she is going to the bathroom or something, but she surprises me when she heads out to our old terrace balcony.
I watch her as she pulls back the door and steps outside. The wind instantly whips her hair and I can tell she closes her eyes taking in the breeze.
She used to spend hours out there. I would often find her gathered on the large chair, feet tucked, hair in a messy bun as she worked. There was always a pile of papers and pens as she hustled to get her assigned tasks done under the warm California sun.
In early 2017, she had landed her dream job working for a popular woman's magazine in Santa Monica. At the time our relationship was public so that helped, and she had managed to get a nice letter of recommendation from Jeffery's dad, Irving- an industry giant. That, paired with the credentials she already bought to the table, she had pretty much been hired on the spot.
And she was dedicated.
At the end of 2016 while I had been working on my solo album she had been there. If I needed her to fly to London, New York, France or even Jamaica- she happily hoped on that plane. After she took that job, she wasn't going any further than the 50-minute drive back to our condo; while I, at any whim's notice could be in any country or state.
Once I released my solo music, our relationship suffered because of it, and it was as people say- the beginning of the end.
Eventually she quit the job so she could support me, though I never verbally asked her too. It sucked that she was never there with my family and friends at promotional events, and I hated her job for keeping her away from me, but I had never asked her to choose. Yet she did, and she chose me.
It would seem later that she regretted this choice, and that fucking job has served as a source of resentment towards me. Remember how she says she gave up more for me than I did for her?- Well I think that's one of the things she means.

As I watch her now, she takes a seat on the deck, on her old favorite chair. For a moment, she rests back and lets herself be home again.
And for a moment, I am there with her.
I must admit I miss the old lazy weekends and I miss the feeling of knowing she's close.
Coming home from long ten hour flights to smell the food cooking in the kitchen, the fresh bouquet of flowers on the mantle and to see her, sat there in my lounge clothes, is all I ever wanted. It was the comfort I hadn't found in a dozen women before her.
Even now, I would never come home to find Julie in the kitchen. She gets everything catered and if its not, there's usually take-out on the counter. With her modeling career since the age of fourteen, she's never really had a chance to learn. She promises she's going to learn once we're married, but that’s what I mean. With Becca, everything just seemed to already be there.
I take a seat on the kitchen stool, and just sit there for a moment, watching her. For a moment, I pretend its that year.
Present Becca doesn't have a care in the world, and if she knows I’m watching she doesn't show it.
She just sits there remembering her favorite place, smiling to herself as she takes in our incredible view.
I have to admit it to myself.
I really, really miss her.
Even still.
Even though she ripped my heart out in this very room less than an hour earlier, I fucking miss every part of her.
And, I still want her.

Before I realize, I've lifted and gone to the balcony too.
As I pull the door back, she looks up at me. The light from the sun hits her eyes and they look a warm green.
"Mind if I join you?" I ask.
"If you promise to talk." she scolds gently, reminding me we are still in the year 2020, and things aren't so simple anymore.
"I promise." I said gently taking a seat beside her.
The wind whips around us, and we both smile at the warm but cool Los Angeles air.
Her smile is soft and takes over her whole face. A reflection of a younger Becca peers out at the mountains, and I peer at her.
"This view is still amazing." she says a moment later. "I've never seen anything like it." she says turning back to me. "I think it's even got your old L.A. home beat."
As our eyes connect, I instantly respond.
"I think it does." I say. "But that's why I got it." I remind her. "You were someone who can actually appreciate it."
She smiles a little wider, and looks at the vast expanse in front of us.
"Yeah I loved it out here. Some of my best work was created in this very chair." she says proudly.
She leans back, getting even more comfortable. The wind continues to whip her hair, and I can smell the hints of her shampoo. It doesn’t smell like coconuts anymore.
Another thing that has changed.
She turns to me.
"I will never understand how some people don't see the beauty in things like this...mountains and nature...and the simplicity of life...just sitting on a balcony, no big broadway production every time you do something." she says.
Her voice is low, almost reflective and I can imagine there is a deeper meaning to her words.
Seconds later, she connects the dots.
Placing a strand of hair behind her ear, she chuckles to herself. "Ya know, I think it was three weeks ago..."she continues to look at me. "I took Chase up by the Hollywood sign, you know up in Griffith Park to go hiking… the spot you use to take me. It was a cool day, but still kind of warm and I packed us some sandwiches, like me and you use to do- "
Her voice drones on as I instantly turn away.
A story is beginning and I don't want to listen.
I don’t want to know the things she does with him.
I don't want to know how she takes him to our spots and caters to him.
She seems to catch on quick, and is even quicker to brush it away casually.
Her eyes soften.
"It was nothing planned, just a quick thought over breakfast," she says as if its no big deal. "No biggie..." she says with a small smile.
No biggie.
I bite my lip.
"I'm like 'babe, you got to see the view.'" She continues. " And I thought, this could be something we could do for the weekend, ya know, brush all the bullshit off from the week." she says keeping her full attention on me. I appease her, and finally turn back and she grins.
"He wasn't impressed. He was ready to kill me." she says with a wide smile. The light catches her eyes again, and I’m stuck idolizing. That pretty face, on that pretty neck...the warm rays hitting the delicate marbles.
"He was all like 'when can we leave?', 'This is boring'." she chuckles again and then sighs.
She pats her bare thighs.
"Ya know...Sometimes I think his idea of a view is sitting with a beer in front of a basketball game."
And then she laughs. A sweet sound that makes it feel like we're old friends. Like, I’m not listening to my ex talk about the new man she sleeps next to every night. It's like we just shared some intimate secret; two girls catching up. I almost want to ask, where the hell are the mimosas?
It instantly makes me uncomfortable and I want to say something about this guy.
It just gnaws at me.
Why the hell is she with him?
What the hell does she see in him?
Before I can stop myself, I'm speaking.
"I don't get that." I say displaying my disbelief. I hold back an insult, but I still need to get my point across. "He's loaded right? Lots of money?"
"His family is."
"You think he would like stuff like that; going out and seeing stuff."
She shrugs. "Well he's always had money Harry. While we were growing up in Holmes Chapel and Sherman Oaks, he was taking trips to Australia and Paris. He's seen it all. Not impressed that easy."
"Yeah but...you like that?" I question. "There's nothing to discover with him."
She smiles again giving me an amused smirk. "There wasn't much to discover with you either Harry. You forget by the time we met, you had traveled the world too- a couple times."
"That's not the same though. And having money gets really fucking old after a while. Being able to jump up and go or do whatever you want all the time, gets really boring-- really fast. It's like you almost burn through everything because you can." I admit.
I turn from her, my eyes shifting around the room, thinking. I realize what she is hinting at and I don’t like the comparison.
"Besides, we've always been different." I say defensively.
I look back at her and she looks at me in interest.
"There was plenty of stuff we did together. We were always out and about trying to find an adventure. We were nothing like you and him."
Her eyes remain on me, and I’m sincere in my next statement. No spite fills my words though they want too.
"You and Chase seem so different from each other. I don't see how he keeps you happy. I'm kind of worried for you if you’re looking at this long term."
She doesn't seem affected by my words, as she throws them back at me.
"I can say the same for you." She says.
Our eyes continue to be locked until she breaks from my stare.
She stands.
Leaning over the railing she’s quiet as she studies the sun.
I study her legs and the curve of her dress.
"Can I ask you about her? Julie?" she questions, glancing back at me a minute later and my eyes shoot up.
"Depends what you want to ask."
She's not as sincere in her approach, and I know she is just waiting to rag on her. She can't stand Julie, and I know that she's been waiting to say something against our relationship. The little digs at 'Malibu Barbie' have been mild from the Becca I have seen in the past. Her mouth is ruthless, and you should hear the way she talks about some of my exes; Kendall Jenner being the worst.
Her jealously has been quite tame, until maybe now.
"Why are you in love with her Harry? Really? She doesn't seem to fit you."
I turn from her.
Why am I in love with Julie St. Clair?
Hmm…interesting question…
I tell her the same thing I tell my Mum.
"She's a nice girl. She's got a good heart."
She scoffs, as if already disgusted.
"A lot of people have good hearts Harry." she argues.
I turn back to her.
"Doesn't make her a good choice for you . Besides...She's really what you want? Forever, ’til death do you part?"
I don't answer her. Not right away.
Honestly…no.
No she wasn't who I wanted, but she's what I'm going with.
No one but Jeff understands.
It was hard after she left.
Really fucking hard.
They always say when a woman gets her heartbroken, she feels it the hardest.
It's bullshit.
Men do, and we feel it longer.
After Becca left me, I had dates and one night stands; nothing worth exploring more than a night.
It just didn't feel like it had with her. Being with those women somehow left me with an emptier feeling than when I had started. After, when it was all over and they were placing on the clothes, I was always met with the same feeling- disgust.
It felt constantly like I was cheating on her and as far as I was concerned, I was.
I knew she was going to come back like before; I felt it.
So the first month I gave her space.
I didn't call her or text her. I just sat back and watched, waiting for the right time we could work it out.
I watched her social media profiles, little digs tweeting Beyoncé lyrics such as 'If I were a boy...I swear i'd be a better man.' and my personal favorite 'Like Ever..." like she was that goddamn Taylor Swift song or something.
Her innuendos and subliminal messages to me were reminiscent to the tantrums of a preschooler.
Eventually that whole thing became quite tiring I guess because by month two, she stopped tweeting too.
By then, the Hecca blogs were starting to speculate that we had split, and she fueled it, liking explanation posts that caused my Twitter mentions to blow up.
It was all very childish and I knew she was trying to piss me off, and don’t get me wrong, she succeeded. By month three, the fuse was lit and I started fucking around a lot.
The first person on the list was one of her friends from college.
Oh yeah it got bad, and it was definitely not my proudest moment.
Eventually petty anger turned into hate which turned into depression and when I realized she wasn't coming back, I didn't know how to comprehend that.
Month four, I was drinking before shows just to get through some of the songs about her.
And by month five there was one final moment of hope.
She reached out one final time.
While in San Jose, preparing for one of my last shows on my second larger tour, a late night text came through from her and as my heart pumped, finally beginning to beat again at her name that was once again on my phone screen. I had never opened a text message faster.

*What are you doing about the Condo? I'm a trustee and I want my name off the deed before the month ends.*

And that was it.
She didn’t even have the decency to add ‘please’
Pissed, and definitely not want I wanted to see, I didn't even answer and forwarded her message to Jeff and made him tell her I was selling it.
Well we all know that was a lie and they eventually met up referencing the community property laws of California, she signed some documents removing her as responsible.
I refinanced the condo in my name only and tried to move on with my life too. I recorded a second album, briefly reunited with the other guys doing a limited few gigs of the last Made in The AM album, looked at some scripts....
Nothing helped.
I had lost my best friend and the woman I thought I would one day marry.
She was a complete stranger and I couldn’t understand that.
She wouldn’t even talk to anyone close to me.
How was it over just like that?
Outside of the revenge fuck of her friend, how could she hate me so much?
I kept watching her from afar.
She started posting again on an account that Glenne eventually followed.
Happy now and with a new outlook on life she was having weekends in the Caribbean’s and hashtag blessed.
New hair, zip codes and accomplishments with Instagram videos of partying and new friends. There was never a man- thank God- but I couldn't take it.
I wanted the secret.
What was the remedy she was taking?
How had she gotten over me so quickly?
How was she okay?
It was like she hadn't just lost three years of her life.
For a long time, emotionally I was a wreck, and I didn't think I would ever love anyone else again; until I met her.
Julie St. Clair brought me back, and shes’ kept me in a good place.
Before I heard about Chase, I hadn’t really thought about Becca that much anymore; at least not daily like I did for a year.
Maybe I was finally starting to move on, as I should do now.
So finally I answer her. I finally tell her why Julie is in my life. It's quite simple actually.
"I just want to be happy Becca."
And then I look at her.
"That's all."
She doesn't respond to that, turning back to the world in front of us. She seems to be thinking, and I wait for the response.
"Happy..." she murmurs. "That’s a clichéd statement.”
She turns her body to me, and leans her back against the railing. She places her head down studying her bare feet.
“And what is that?" she almost whispers.
She speaks low again, and this is more of a thought to herself, then to me.
She turns back to me, and studies me for a second; a slow smile building again.
"Hey Harry...Do you remember when we were in Jamaica?"
"Jamaica?" I ask, not understanding why its brought up.
"Yeah." she says and smiles wider. She crosses her arms and gets excited. "When you were recording the album….I think it was like the second day and it was really really late. Remember, the whole house was asleep, and we snuck out with one of the black vans?"
I bite my lip again and look down. Of course I do, but why are we talking about it?
"Yeah?" I question uneasily.
She continues on, her voice light and airy. "Do you remember how when we got to the van, the shift got stuck and how when we finally got it working we just drove and drove?"
For a second, she moves her eyes away. She turns back to the world, her eyes taking in the sun once more.
Once again, her tone is low and she seems to be talking to herself.
And to me.
I can’t read her as her thoughts go back and forth.
"We had talked about this place then and starting this life....what this all could be.” She gestures around us and takes her previous seat again.
I keep my eyes on her.
Her smile returns and her eyes return as well.
“I still couldn't believe you were thinking about us moving in together. We only been back together a few weeks and I couldn't believe you wanted to get that serious." She chuckles. “I still thought the whole thing was some joke you were playing on me-“
"What's the point?" I ask, cutting her off, not ready to get into all of that yet.
"We drove," she says, ignoring me. "And drove until we got lost in that jungle area. Do you remember?"
I finally smirk, remembering. "It wasn't the jungle Becca."
"Well it looked like the jungle." she argues. "Them huge bugs and wild noises."
My smirk, turns into a full on laugh. I remember the way she clutched me as we walked, wide eyed and jumpy.
"You were terrified."
She laughs too. "I was. I thought no one's going to ever find us or know what happened. Our resting place would be in some animal's belly."
I playfully roll my eyes.
"Well I was there, I wouldn’t have let anything happen to you, I would have sacrificed myself before that happened."
She smiles, turning to me. "No I know, but it was fun. One of our best moments." she says locking eyes with me. "And there were a lot." she says warmly.
I agree.
As our eyes meet this time, something moves into the air.
For a moment, the look is back.
The one that makes me weak and guts me at the same time.
The one that reads me to my core and makes my heart race.
I love you so fucking much,
But I can't have you.
I miss you so fucking much,
But we don't work.
As always, we turn away from the weight of it quickly.
And though it burns, it's nice to know I'm not alone in it.
We both replace our gazes to what's in front of us; the city.
There, are no memories.
There, are no reminders of the pain.
There, is the safe place.
The place that we can't run from.
Still, I'm tired of running.
I need to know the truth.
"So why did you do it?" I say suddenly.
The wind whips around us and the sound of the world living below us can be heard, but in that moment, it is as if everything goes suddenly quiet.
Becca's gaze finds it way back to mine, slowly.
"Do what?" she asks. Her voice is a hint above a whisper, and I know she knows what I'm talking about.
"Why did you kill her?" I ask turning to her.
Our eyes immediately lock, and as before, as this moment is brought back up, the room tightens around us and something in her changes.
"We said we weren't going to talk about it yet." she throws out.
I roll my eyes. Un-playfully this time.
"I need to talk about it Becca. I need to know." I said in exasperation. "I can't sit here and do this reminiscent shit until I know the truth. Why Becca? Why did you have to take it that far?"
She doesn't say anything at first, eyes still froze on me.
She seems taken aback as if she can’t believe I’ve asked this of her.
I’m taken aback that she thinks I wouldn’t.
What does she think we’re going to do? Just laugh and giggle all day? Does she think I’m going to forget what she’s done?
No fucking way.
She sighs and a hand goes to her lips, she pinches herself and pulls at the skin.
She sighs again loudly, blowing out air and closes her eyes.
Her whole body slumps; defeated.
"Fuck. Fine." she says. "Fine. We’ll talk about it.”
Damn right we will.
She opens her eyes, runs a shaky hand through her hair and turns back to me.
"Well, I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“How about the truth? The real one.”
“I’ve told you the truth.” She says gently.
“No you’ve lied to me for two years-”
“No-“ she begins.
“And you lied to me in there.” I finish.
“I didn’t. I didn’t get an abortion Harry.” She says quickly.
I'm immediately pissed back off.
She's fucking infuriating!
She's still pulling the shit. Still lying and still cowarding out.
I’m instantly disappointed and the truce spell is once again broken. I'm so sick of her bullshit.
"Stop fucking lying to me." I demand. My voice quickly rises and her eyebrows crease. "Tell me the goddamn truth for once. Just fucking admit it Becca!" I demand. "You fucked up! Its okay to admit. We both already know and stop insulting my goddamn intelligence. Be a goddamn woman about it! Tell me the truth."
"I am telling you the truth!" She shouts suddenly. She reacts quickly and before I know it she is the one yelling. "I had a goddamn miscarriage Harry. I bled right there on that fucking couch!" she points to our living room behind us. "The bulk of it dropped in our goddamn master bath!"
I blink.
I’m silenced.
She stands, coming towards me. She leans over me and I can't move.
"Do you want to see it?" she questions, eyes blazed and peering down at me. "You want to see where I lost her? Where she bled out of me? Do you want to see it Harry? Because I’ve been so patient…but you keep pushing me there, and if you want it, if you truly want the images I'll give them to you. Every clot, cramp and tear!"
As she says her final sentence, her voice cracks, and the wild enraged Becca is a shriveled, jumbled mess. Tears are instantly filling her eyes and she barely gets her next sentence out.
"I didn't get an abortion. I had a miscarriage." She continues with an accusatory point, giving me the deadliest look I feel she can muster in this moment. "I'm not that heartless, and fuck you for constantly thinking it. Fuck. You. Harry."
She turns away from me and collapses back in the chair.
I’m speechless.
Looking away from me, a hand runs through her hair again and she covers her face in her hands.
She's finally broken, right in front of me.
I'm silent.
My mouth opens then closes again. Opens then closes.
I'm internalizing every word; the mental image too much for me to begin to even correlate.
She
had
a miscarriage?
She
didn't
kill
our baby?
She
was
here?
She
sat
on
our
couch?
She
lost
her
on
the
couch?
Or
was
it
in
the
master
bathroom?
What does she mean?
What does she mean?
What does she mean?
"You were in Tokyo."
I finally blink. I bring my eyes back to her.
She is lifting now, her tears falling in quick succession down her cheeks.
It bothers me to see her cry, and to know I did it, but I can't move. Her look lets me know she doesn't want me anywhere near her anyway. Not right now.
"You were in Tokyo....the day it happened." She says again and clarifies. "It was one of your last shows before your big break with the stadium portion and I was here alone."
She's not looking at me.
"I thought it was normal. Just a normal period. It had been so long since I had one and starting new birth control, I thought my system was just regulating.”
I’m still quiet, studying her.
“It had started the day before...spotting and then gradually more..."
She sighs, and still doesn't wipe her tears. Her cheeks are now streaming small black lines- her eyeliner beginning to run.
"I had woke up with cramps, but I didn't think anything of it. Just took some pills."
She runs another nervous hand through her hair and takes a big sigh.
"I knew something was wrong by lunch. I had soaked a Super Plus tampon in three hours."
A what?
She finally looks directly at me. "And I know you don't know what that means, but its not something that happens usually; especially with me. I've always had light menstruals with the contraceptive. And sometimes-“
She breaks off and waves the rest of the thought away. I guess that information isn't important.
"Anyway…it got worst." she continues. "And by that afternoon, my cramps were intense and the pills were only helping so much."
She looks away from me, scanning her eyes around the area.
"I went through my first pair of underwear....and it didn't stop."
I’m still silent.
I put my head down.
I don't know if I can listen to this suddenly.
"I called Taylor first. I was worried because of my anemia and I could feel myself getting weaker through the day." she says. I can feel her eyes on me. "She was at school of course-- too far away but I told her I would keep her posted and try to eat something with lots of iron and take my medication."
I hang on to every word.
"The day kept going on, more bleeding, and more cramps. I knew by then, you were probably just getting to sleep, fresh off the stage from your show, and we weren't really talking anyway, so I didn't call you-"
She continues.
"Finally it was about three. Maybe a little after, and I went in the bathroom, because something just didn't feel right...by then I was wearing a pad too- "she explains, "and I remember sitting down at the toilet and feeling something pass through me. Now you don't know anything about this, but sometimes that happens, little clots that are normal but this…was not..” She shakes head and her breath hitches. “This was much much bigger and I remember not wanting to move because I was so scared...I knew something was definitely wrong and I was scared to see what had just left my body."
Oh
God.
I can't listen to this.
I clench my fists.
"I remember looking down in the toilet and it was just red, just….red…just everywhere…”
Oh
God.
“And floating right there in the center-“
She puts her head down and closes her eyes.
Oh God, oh God, oh God…
“Becca-“ I finally cut in.
I look at her almost pleading for her to stop
I want to say you don’t have too. I get it. Don’t tell me anymore, but why shouldn’t I suffer?
Why shouldn’t I finally feel the pain she went through?
I know I need to know every detail.
I need to know everything that happened to her.
To our child.
So instead I say, “It’s okay.”
She just looks at me.
Her look lets me know this is nothing. This is only the beginning.
I don’t know how I’m going to handle more.
“It was just a mass of tissue.” She says finally. “Maybe the size of a silver dollar….I remember freaking out and rushing to my phone to call Kelsey, bleeding the whole fucking way."
“Becca-“ I say again. It’s the only word I can get out successfully. She shakes my concerns away.
"I won't tell you what happened while I waited for her to come get me and take me to the hospital, but just know that was nothing. For hours, it was just chunks Harry...just...pieces...until it all finally passed that next day." her voice breaks and it seems she's finally reached the breaking point. She begins a ramble, as if finally remembering everything from that day.
I still can't comfort her because I can barely comfort myself. I feel the tears in my eyes.
"The doctor said I was a little over two months. Later I googled it. Kumquat.” She says.
I look at her in confusion.
“What?” I ask. The first tear breaks and runs down my own cheek.
“That’s how big that baby was. The size of a Kumquat…a website said that at ten weeks… Finger nails are forming…vital organs made-“
“Becca please.” I say finally.
That’s it. I really can’t take anymore. My own tears continue to fall.
I feel like an asshole, a bastard…fuck I’m an idiot.
How did she go through that?
Alone?
That tugs at me. It feels like being stabbed repeatedly in the same spot- my heart.
"It was the worst day of my life." She confirms.
Our eyes finally lock, and I’m hurt…and I’m angry.
I’m angry that it happened.
I’m angry that she didn’t tell me.
I’m angry that she didn’t even let me be there.
“Becca, why didn’t you just call me?” I ask finally.
Her eyes narrow.
“Call you for what Harry? What were you going to do? You were miles away. We were barely speaking. What could you have done?”
“It’s not about what I could have done. Its about the fact that you went through it and didn’t tell me…” and then I grow angrier, thinking of my snatched role.
“I would have been on a plane Becca. Fuck the shows and all that. I would have been there. I could have done something. I…If not to just hold your hand or watch you cry. Or whatever. I could have been there with you.”
She shakes her head quickly.
No, no, no.
“I didn’t want you to be there with me!” she snaps and I feel like a part of me breaks.
The rejection after all this time…still in this moment…hurts so fucking bad.
She finally wipes her eyes and stares at me.
“Jeez, don’t you get it? Harry… There was already so much shit and we were already fucking sinking and it was like thing after thing after thing, and fight after fight after fight and we were just, we were going down already...and I was already struggling to keep us afloat. We didn’t need this too Harry!” she shouts.
Her voice is so hoarse and we are both fighting through this.
Swinging…
“People don’t recover from stuff like this…couples don’t make it. Some people never get over things like that, and I just couldn’t take another thing, I couldn’t take another thing to ruin us… “ and she cries, each tear so telling, I finally get where she’s going.
“I couldn’t take another thing to damage it and I wanted to tell you, lord knows I wanted to tell you so many times and every time I would see you …I would just look at you…I would stare at you as you turned away from me and I would see that baby…”
More tears fall.
Her cheeks and mine.
“I wondered who it looked like…all the time… and what it could have been or what it could have done…and I just couldn’t tell you…and then we broke up and it got worst and we were really fucked then and I just…I really just didn’t want to make it all worst. Please believe that.” She pleads. “Please…”
I place my head down.
“And it took me a long time. I mean don’t get me wrong …fuck Harry...I was not okay for a while with it. Even now sometimes I still cry over it… I can’t make sense of it. How I didn’t know…. Why it happened that way……But ya know… finally… I just started thinking maybe it would be better if you didn’t know…ya know? Who needs to live with this pain and these thoughts? Who wants to know they lost a child, or wants to know something like that? And then to know you couldn’t even stop it…why would I tell you something like that?”
I don’t say anything.
I don’t answer.
What can I say?
Truthfully I kind of wish I didn’t know now.
I replay her words and the events.
“You were alone.” I say, and that’s all I can think about after that.
I can’t even think about the child. My mind can’t make it that far yet.
I just keep thinking; she was alone.
“You were alone.” I repeat and that cuts the most right now.
I think of our final weeks and months.
I was so cruel to her.
I resented her so much for not being there.
I thought the ship had already sunk, and now to know this…to know she was dealing with this.
I break.
“I’m sorry.” I say. “Becca I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
She shushes me and wipes the remaining tears from her face. She studies the black streaks on her hands; her charcoal liner and mascara barely on her face anymore.
“Please don’t do that.” She says quietly. “After all, I’m sorry too.”
We look at each other.
And we both are. I'm sorry any of this had to happened but the messed up part is, this isn't even how we got here. I didn't even know about the baby an hour ago. Our problems are still so much broader and the pieces still are scattered between us. ¼ of the puzzle finally solved but its not enough…there’s more. So much more.
This story isn't over yet. And she knows it too.

We sit there in silence for a few minutes.
We let everything settle between us.
Finally, I feel her slow gaze landing back on me.
She clears her throat and her voice is meek.
"So um, what now? Do we ...do we start again? Go back to the happier times, ya know after London?" she asks quietly.
"No. I don’t want too.” I say honestly, but I know we must. There is still stuff that needs to be addressed this afternoon, though the whole mood is ruined.
I don’t even know how we continue this shit now.
"Yeah, me either." she says a second later, in agreement of how depressing this is.
In shared comradery we look at each other again.
It comes back.
The previous weighted look is still there as if, it never went away.
The one that makes me weak and guts me at the same time.
The one that reads me to my core and makes my heart race.
I love you so fucking much.
I miss you so fucking much.
I’m sorry.
She looks at me, and I look at her.
But this time, we don't turn and we don’t run.
This time, we feel it collide.

Notes

Alright, let me know if you guys enjoyed that. More updates on the way!