All Again

CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
Harry.

Then.


There was a Ella Henderson song that played on the radio. Yours, is what I think it was called.
There was a lyric, so simple and significant to that next morning when we woke up.
The moments waking up, you catch me in your eye, that beauty on my pillow, that holds me in the night.
As Becca rolled over in my bed that next morning, naked, and the sun shining on her skin, that lyric played in my head.
She was such a beautiful sight.
As I climbed out of the bed, pulling on my discarded boxers from the night before, I turned to her.
As her opaque eyes locked on mine, I smiled.
“Hi.” I said softly.
“Hi.” she mumbled.
She stretched and blinked her eyes a couple times, adjusting to the light coming from my patio window.
“Good Morning beautiful.” I said. “How did you sleep?”
“Great.” she said softly.
I kept my eyes on her. Some of her veiled within the thin sheet.
“Are you hungry?”
She sighed then groaned, giving me a lazy smile.
“Jeez. Let me wake up.” she muttered, bringing a hand to her face and rubbing. She looked adorable but exhausted.
We had been up late.
Memories of sliding skin, and moaned names sat at the top of my head.
Last night had been a record-even for us.
After leaving my father and the grocery store, we had headed back to the house where I quickly prepped some food I was planning on barbecuing today and then we began our mini sex-a-thon.
Multiple positions and barely any sleep later, here we were; tired, and sore.
I stretched as well, feeling a stiffness in my legs and back.
“I need to go to the gym later.” I estimated.
“I just might join you.” she said.
I smiled and looked back at her. Her breasts were full and nipples hard and the small birthmark near her collarbone looked back at me. My eyes didn’t leave hers.
I moved over to her, placing my knee on the bed, and leaned over her.
Her hands instantly wrapped around my arms, pulling me closer as we shared a gentle kiss.
Your arms they keep me steady, so nothing can fall apart…
She smiled as we pulled apart, and I instantly regretted my plans for the day.
Staying in bed next to that all morning would have been just fine by me.
However I had made plans with my parents and sister.
I had been in London the majority of the month, yet my family hadn’t seen me since late May. It was out of character for me, and it was beginning to be noted and pointed out by my immediate family.
I needed to see everyone soon, because in the next couple of days I would have promotions, and then I would be back on the road.
I had gotten my dad out of the way yesterday, and now today was my mum, step dad and sister’s turn.
Which reminded me, I needed to find somewhere for Becca to go.
Pulling off the bed, I headed for the bathroom to wash up.
Becca temporarily moved from her spot to grab her phone across the room, and then she was back to her previous spot; nude and comfortable.
“I’ll make pancakes.” I announced after brushing my teeth and washing my face. “That should give us some energy.”
She yawned, still lethargic from her place in my bed.
“Sounds good.”
I grabbed my personal phone, unlocking it, and headed out of the bedroom.
I had three hours until my parents would get there, and I needed to figure something out fast.
I knew her limbs were stiff, and shopping (with walking) was probably the last thing on her mind.
Previously I had considered just giving her my credit card, and letting her go wild on the town. I was probably going to drop her off on Oxford Street at Selfridges, but now, she needed something a bit more relaxing.
As I headed downstairs, opening up the house and lighting one of my Cinnamon candles, I googled things to surprise her with.
I typed in ‘Relaxing things to do for your girlfriend’
It took me to a link, and I scrolled through it.
Everything from ‘Make your girlfriend a signature cocktail’ to ‘Book a mini theater for a private screening’ looked back at me.
No.
No.
And no.
I scanned the list further, then I saw it.
‘Book her a day at the spa’
That would be relaxing and if she got the full treatment, she could stay out all day.
That was it.
I started the food, and found a nearby place for her.
I researched the treatments, and decided to just book them all.
Hair, nails, waxing, massage…the whole package.
I quickly called the place and gave my check card information. My card was under my assistant’s name, so it didn’t raise any red flags.
“Give her anything she wants.” I said as I booked the appointment and flipped a pancake on a griddle.
Becca came downstairs.
She was dressed now in pajama shorts, socks and a tank.
I noted no bra.
Still keeping my initial three item house rule in effect, I smiled.
She came by me, stealing a piece of bacon that I had just made.
I slapped her hand and hung up the phone call.
When I did, she leaned and kissed my cheek.
“Smells good.”
I patted her butt.
“It’ll be done soon.” I said.
She nodded okay, chewing on the bacon she stole.
“Good thing too. Because you have to go.” I said.
She looked back at me.
“What do you mean?”
“You have an appointment.”
“Appointment where?”
“At the spa.”
“What spa?” she asked.
“Balance Renewal.”
She smiled.
“Balance and Renewal, sounds cheesy…Are you being serious?”
“Yup.”
She looked at me curiously.
“You actually booked me a spa day?”
I nodded yes.
“But why?”
I flipped a pancake.
“I have to head into some meetings today, and I figured you would be quite bored with all that, so…I booked you an appointment. You need to be there by ten-thirty so I’ll drive you.”
She glanced at the clock on the microwave. 8:42.
“I’m confused.” she said with her eyes scanning the room.
“Seems like it.” I chuckled.
“When did you do this?” she asked with a smile.
“Just now. You seemed like you could use it.” I teased.
She bit her lip and smiled wider. “Shouldn’t be so thorough. You actually left a hickey on me last night.”
“Did I?” I asked. Thus far I hadn’t left marks, though I often wanted too. It wasn’t about the mark, or even the possessiveness of it; it was about the intimacy. No one, but me and her knew about the little love bruise hidden under her clothes and there was something sexy about that. I already shared so much with millions of people that I was grateful for every little thing we could just share between us.
She lifted her shorts and sure enough, on her inner left thigh, there was a slight pink bruise.
I smiled proudly. “It looks nice.”
She giggled and stole another piece of bacon. “Alright, well I’ll get dressed.”
“Kay. I’ll make your plate so hurry up.”
“Pushy, pushy…” she said.
I just smirked and finished up my batch.
When she came back downstairs a half hour later, she smelled fresh from the shower, and she was wearing one of my shirts again.
“What is with you and my shirts?” I asked as she came over to me.
“Do you want me to take it off?”
“No. I’m actually considering packing a bag for you to take home.”
“You should.” she said. “I’d sleep in them every night. They smell wonderful.”
And then to prove her point, she brought the shirt up to her nose. The little flash of her skin turned me on. I turned from her.
“No deal.” I said. “The only way you’re sleeping in my shirts, is if I’m sleeping beside you.”
“That can be arranged.” she said.
“It will be. The moment I’m back in Los Angeles next month. I expect you to be in bed every night.”
“Okay.” she said with a smile in agreement.
She came over to me and sat down, grabbing her plate that I had made for her.
“Now go get dressed.” she said surveying me.
“I don’t think you can drop me off in just your boxers.”
I smiled and kissed her forehead. “I’ll be back.”
I headed upstairs, throwing on my Mum’s favorite shirt- in case I didn’t make it back in time- and my regular jeans.
I pulled my hair back, made a quick call on my work cell and then met Becca downstairs.
By then, she was finishing up her plate and texting.
“About ready?” I asked.
She nodded yes and shifted her plate away from her.
I glanced at the clock. It was close to ten.
“Okay beautiful….get your ass in the car. We have to go.”
“Ohh I love it when your feisty.” she said and giggled.
I just shook my head and grabbed my keys, following her out of the house.
“Did I need anything?” she asked.
“A little late to be asking don’t ya think?”
“Well you distract me. I can’t think of everything all the time.”
I just smiled as the car started.
“You don’t need anything.” I reassured.
“So what are you guys meeting about?” she asked sitting back and getting comfortable.
“Um…I don’t know. The usual I guess. Getting ready for the next few weeks. We‘re starting to wrap up everything on the album and send some tracks to mastering. ”
“Will you be doing any recording then?”
“Probably not. I have to get back to the house to make the food.” I said turning to her.
“Oh yeah, Barbeque tonight.” she said rubbing her hands together.
“Yup, it’ll be done hopefully when you get back.”
“Yum.”
When we made it to the spa, Becca gave me a long kiss and once again I was regretful that we needed to separate.
“Text me when you’re about to be done. Give me like an hours notice“ I said. “I’ll come get you.”
“Kay.” she said softly.
“Don’t call a cab.” I warned and reiterated. “Just call me.”
“I will.” she said. “Jeez, I get a cab one time and you can’t let it go.” she mumbled. I smiled and kissed her forehead.
“Okay. Have fun.”
“Likewise.”
She climbed out of my car, and then I rushed back to my house.

I needed to shower and I needed to clean up the mess from this morning’s breakfast, but I only had twenty minutes until my family would arrive.
So I quickly straightened up, removing the most ‘visible’ pieces of Becca and began to clean up the kitchen.
I could shower when they got there.
I was in the middle of wiping the counter when my mum called to let me know she was outside.
I went to my door and punched in a code, unlocking my gate and opened my front door.
My family was in my step dad’s car.
“Well, well, well…hello family.” I said as they climbed out of the car.
I outstretched my arms and my mum hugged me first.
“Hi Honey.”
“How are you?” I asked taking her in my arm, and kissing her cheek.
“Lovely.” and then she placed my head between her hands and shook my head back and forth. She then gently pinched my cheeks.
It was a silly gesture she did every time we were apart for a while.
It had to remind myself it had been a month since I had seen her.
As she pulled away I hugged Robin, my stepfather and then Gemma, my lively sister.
She was all grins and high energy as she hugged me back.
“How was everything?” I asked, moving in the house. “At Chloe’s?”
“It was great.” Gemma said plopping down on the couch and making herself comfortable.
“You were missed.” Robin said.
“Yeah, Chloe asked about you. I kept telling her, ‘I thought he said he was coming’.”
“Yeah I was.” I said softly. “I just had unexpected company.”
“Anyone we know?” Gemma asked.
“Uh…no.” I said. Gemma knew Becca, but I wasn’t ready to go down that road yet.
My Mum sat down on the couch next to Gemma.
“So what have you been doing with your days off?”
“Not much.” I said. “Just the usual stuff.”
“Spending time with your friends?”
“A bit. And sleeping.”
She pouted her lip. She worried about me- A LOT.
She was always making sure I was okay; physically and mentally.
Though I didn’t get to see my family as much as I would have liked, we were all very close and kept in touch vocally behind the scenes.
I headed to the kitchen.
“So, I stopped at the Hampstead Butcher recently. Got us some stuff to BBQ.”
“That sounds great. We didn’t really eat much on the way here, so fire it up.” My mum said standing. “What can I help with?”
“Nothing.” I said. “I’m the cook today. Just sit back and relax. I’ve got to take a quick shower, then I’m all yours.”
My family smiled back at me.
After, I quickly got to work, pulling out the meat that I had prepared in advance last night. I made sure to set out Becca‘s requested brats along with the burgers, steaks and ribs I had as well. I didn’t know how long Becca was going to be at the spa, and I was pretty sure my family and her arrival would overlap in some small way.
I needed to get everything done as quickly as possible.
“What do you have?” Robin asked coming over to me. I already noted he was going to help me grill and we quickly got to work, putting everything together.
As I moved in and out of the house from my backyard area, my family caught me up on all that I had missed in my months absence.
“When’s your next break?” Gemma asked.
“August.” I said. “I’ll be here.” I reassured.
“Cool. You know when you get back here, we’re thinking of--”
I listened intently, while some of the first meat finished. I made plates, and pulled out the sides while they updated me on some fall plans when I got back to town.
In the middle of it all, Becca texted me.
Glancing at my phone, I opened her message.

*Right now, I’m lying back on a huge comfy seat and getting my feet massaged and painted
and loving you. This was just what I needed. Thank you.*

She sent me another one of those kissy face emojis and I texted her back with a smile.

*You’re welcome. Glad you’re enjoying it love. I’ll see you soon.*

“So what else is going on?” My mother asked suddenly.
She had a glass of wine and was sitting at my kitchen island
Gemma was fixing her plate and Robin was outside tossing some of the meat.
“Not much Mum. Ya know…the usual.”
She glanced at Gemma and then back to me.
Taking a slow sip of her wine, she kept her eyes on me.
“I talked to your father today.”
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Yeah.” she said softly. “He says he saw you yesterday.”
And I immediately froze.
I knew that tone and I knew immediately where this conversation was going to go.
I quickly played it off.
“Yeah I had some time. It was a quick dinner.”
“I heard.” she said. “He told me you brought a friend.”
Once again I shrugged it off, and shifted the food in front of me.
If I acted casual, she would realize it wasn’t a big deal.
Yeah…not so much.
“He said you brought your girlfriend.”
Gemma instantly paused her movements and glanced at me.
“Huh?” she asked. “Girlfriend?“
I shook my head no, and looked back down at the food.
“No. Mum, what do you want on your plate?”
“I’m not hungry yet.” she said. Then she leaned down and made me force the eye contact.
Our eyes locked.
She looked at me, demanding an answer.
I looked at her, begging her to let it go.
She won.
“It‘s not serious.” I said quickly. “It was just a friend…”
My mother raised an eyebrow, while Gemma kept her eyes on me in interest.
“Dad, met a girl yesterday?” she asked; both of them, confused and feeling out of the loop.
I sighed and was thankful when Robin came in the room that moment.
He had a plate of the now-done steaks.
“Ooh the steaks.” I said quickly intervening and grabbing them. I was so thankful for the distraction.
“So why haven’t I met her?” My mum continued.
“There’s no one to meet.” I said pulling the food from Robin.
“Of course there is. She met your father.” And I’m your mother.” She protested.
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean anything.” I said.
Gemma chuckled. “Yes it does.”
“No it‘s doesn‘t.” I immediately argued, looking at her.
“It’s Dad,” Gemma argued back.
I just shrugged, brushing it off.
“So? I only brought her because I didn’t want to leave her at the house. That would have been kind of rude leaving her here all alone.”
I thought this would be a satisfying answer, but instead, it seemed to bring more questions.
“She’s staying with you?” My mother asked instantly and I sighed.
“What’s her name?” Gemma asked.
“What are we even talking about?” Robin asked.
“Harry’s girlfriend.” My mum answered quickly.
Robin smiled as if he already expected it. I turned back to my mother.
“First off let’s stop.” I said gently. “Secondly she’s not.” I said.
“What’s her name?” Gemma repeated.
I put my hands up, hoping to halt the conversation.
“Can we move on from this whole conversation please?”
“No I want to meet her.” My mother protested. “Its not fair that your dad gets too, and not me.”
“Mum you don’t need too-” I began, then Gemma cut in.
“What’s her name?” she asked for the third time.
“Rebecca.” My mother finally answered, and I groaned.
Jeez she even knew that.
Why were she and my dad even talking? It wasn’t like they were still best buddies.
I had been positive I had a couple weeks before news got out and by then I wouldn’t have a girl, because she would be out of my life.
“Her name’s not Rebecca.” I said. “It’s just Becca. And she’s not my girlfriend. We’re close friends, but it’s not that big of a deal, that’s why you don’t need to meet her.”
“Well is she staying with you?” My mum asked and I just looked back at her.
“Mum, why does it matter?” I asked gently.
“It doesn’t. It wouldn’t.“ she said. “You know me, I just want you to be safe and responsible when you‘re out there. I just don’t like that your dad got to meet this girl, that he says, you introduced as your girlfriend, and I’ve never heard anything about her.”
“Ditto.” Gemma said beside me.
“Plus we haven’t seen you in a month and it would seem we finally know why.”
I nodded yes.
“Well yeah, she’s been here staying with me. But that’s because she’s on her summer break and wanted to travel. It’s just casual. Fun.”
“Well who is she?” My mother asked. “What does she do?”
“Nothing. She’s just a student in the States. Mum, I don‘t need to introduce you. We dont need to-”
Then suddenly a thought came to Gemma’s mind.
“Oh my God!” she said and hit my shoulder. “Becca? As in Thailand Becca?”
I immediately rolled my eyes.
Oh boy.
Here it goes.
“You said you guys were just friends.” she argued.
“We were just friends.”
“Harry?” she shrieked. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. You said she was into Niall.”
I sighed.
“What?” My mum cut in; her confusion coming back. “You’re dating a girl who was into Niall? And she’s Siamese?”
I chuckled at that one.
“No mum she’s not Siamese, and she wasn’t into Niall…and we really need to move on from the subject.”
She ignored me.
“Well what’s this Thailand stuff?”
“Well that’s where she was.” Gemma answered.
I just sighed loudly since no one was listening to me.
“Guys, come back….” I cut in. “It’s not that big of a deal-”I began to reiterate slowly so it would stick when Robin cut in.
“You’ve met her Gem?”
“Yeah. A couple of months ago when I was with Harry visiting. March I think. I knew it!” She said. “I could tell by the way you two were. You guys have been dating this whole time huh?”
“Really?” My mother asked in interest. “And now she’s here with you-in London?”
“Thanks.” I said cutting my sister a look.
That information didn’t even need to be shared. And she had just opened a whole new can of worms.
Gemma just shrugged me off and smiled, taking a bite of the potato salad on her plate.
“So she’s been around a while huh? This must be serious” Then my mother winked at Gemma, going into cahoots. “What does she look like Harry? How old is she?”
I just sighed in small frustration and Robin patted my back in affection.
“Relax. You had to know it was coming sometime. They‘ve been waiting on this.”
I sighed and shook my head.
“Can we move on please?” I just asked.
“Where are her things?”
“How long has she been staying with you?”
The chorus of my nosy sister and now mother sang.
I just went back to my task, fixing the plates and tried to ignore them both.
The attention and questions died down quickly, and it became a more playful roast then a curious one.
Gemma’s final comment seemed to satisfy everyone.
“Oh let’s not worry about it.” Gemma said. “She won’t be around long. Even if she is his girlfriend. Harry can‘t be bothered.”
My mother smiled and Robin quickly chuckled.
I should have laughed and agreed with them, but for some reason, her comment actually had a reverse effect.
It kind of irritated me.
She didn’t even know our relationship.
She knew nothing about us.
How could she just dismiss it that quickly?
Later, when the parents were eating and settled in my living room, Gemma cornered me; she asked where Becca was.
“She’s at the spa.”
“Hiding her from Mum?” she said.
I didn’t answer that question.
“Thanks for your help back there.” I growled. “They didn’t need to know she was in Thailand.”
“It’s no big deal, like you said.” she mimicked my tone from earlier.
“It isn’t.“ I said. “You didn’t need to bring it up though.”
“Sorry.” she said chewing on a apple. “I just realized it and it came out.”
I didn’t respond.
“So when did it happen?” she asked slowly.
“When did what happen?”
“You and Becca? Were you seeing her in Bangkok?”
“Gem-” I began, flashing my eyes on her.
She put her hands up quickly. “Fine, fine…you don’t want to talk about it-”
“No I don’t.” I cut her off and turned away from her.
“Why?” she counteracted.
“Why what?”
“Why don’t you want to talk about her?”
“Why do I need too?”
She shrugged. “Because you’re seeing her. For a while.“
I looked back at her not getting the point.
“Well she was a nice girl. Seemed like she could be good for you. I’m glad you found someone you really like.” she said warmly.
“I don’t.” I said quickly, and then to prove a point, “She’s not the first girl I’ve been with. And this is not the first girl that you’ve met. And I don’t get why everyone is going on about it? And why does everybody fucking care?”
She looked back at me. She finally read my irritation with the whole thing.
“Oh come on,” she said light-heartedly. “Don’t give me that look. We’ve been teasing each other about this shit for years. What’s the big deal suddenly? We can‘t ask about a girl your interested in?”
“The big deal is I don‘t want to talk about her. It‘s not serious. I don‘t care about her that much okay? So she’s here? So I’ve been seeing her? So she met Dad? It doesn’t mean anything. I’m not proposing marriage tomorrow Gem. So let‘s just stop talking about it….and stop talking about her.” I gritted.
“Well jeez.” she said. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing. I just don’t want to talk about her.”
“Okay…” she said after a moment. “I get it. You don’t care about her.”
“I don’t.” I repeated.
She put her hands up. “Hey I’m convinced. Are you?”
I just looked back at her.
I got her hint. It did kind of sound like I was trying to convince myself more than anybody.
I shook it off.
I turned away from her.
“Look I won’t bring it up anymore.” she said behind me.
“Thank you.” was all I said, and took a sip of some juice.
I could still feel her eyes on me.

As I expected, the Spa keeps Becca gone all day.
When she texted me at 5:30pm and asked me to come get her, I was more than relieved.
By then, my parents had shuffled out and I had promised to touch base with them in a few days.
Gemma was a straggler, plopping on my couch.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked grabbing my keys to pick Becca up.
“I want to see her again.”
“You just want to be nosy.”
“No, I do want to see her. Plus I haven’t seen you in a while. Would it be alright if I spent the night with you two? I miss hanging out with you.”
She put her sisterly eyes on me and I relented. We hadn’t seen each other in almost two months.
“Fine. As long as you don’t snitch and tell the parents what you see, you can stay.”
She looked at me with wide playful eyes.
“And what exactly am I going to see?”
“I make no promises.” I said “But I’ll be back.”
I hopped in my car, and a half hour later, Becca was climbing in my car, though I was partially distracted returning a text message. It was my mum, thanking me for the day.
*Of course. I love you. Talk to you soon.*
As Becca climbed in, scents of soaps and lavenders filled my nostrils.
I looked up at her and smiled.
Wow.
She was glowing.
“Have fun?” I asked.
She sighed against the headrest in appreciation. “It was wonderful. Thanks baby.”
I scanned her appearance.
I could tell she had gotten a facial, and her hair was shiny and curled.
Paired with her new eye popping orange nail polish and the wonderful scents filling my car, I was smitten.
“You’re welcome…Damn.” I said under my breath, pulling away from the building.
“What?” she asked.
“I’m regretting my decision now.”
She leaned her head off the seat.
“I look that bad? Is it the way they curled it?” she asked touching the tips of her freshly done hair.
“No.” I said quickly. “You are fucking beautiful…but, Gem’s at the house.”
“Gem? Your sister?”
“Yeah.” I said dividing my time between the road and Becca. “She kind of popped in.”
“Oh.” she smiled. “I would like to see her.”
“She wants to see you too. It‘s kind of out we‘re dating now. My dad sort of spilled the beans.”
“Well we are.” she said softly. “Right?”
I smiled. “Yeah…it’s just…I don’t know…she probably just wants to be nosy.”
“Well why the ‘damn’, is she too much?”
“No. I just suddenly want you all to myself. Like clothes off in my bed in less than an hour, all to myself.”
I gave her a mischievous grin and she blushed.
She turned from me and played with her fingers.
“Well, sorry. That’s going to be a bit hard.”
“I know. But...I can kick her out. She’ll understand.” I said.
“No, not because of her.”
I turned to her.
“We have other company.” she said quietly.
“Huh?” I asked in confusion.
“My period. Started at the spa.”
My eyes traveled down to her stomach.
“You’ve got to be kidding me…” I mumbled.
She smiled.
“It’s light, because of my birth control but still, it‘s enough to make a bit of a mess…if we…ya know…”
I groaned.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I repeated.
“Well I’ve got to get it sometimes Harry.” she argued.
I smiled. “Well yeah…but couldn’t it wait until tomorrow…I mean…Becca, you look incredible right now and we‘re going to be so busy these next few days, I just was really looking forward to a continuation of last night.”
She smiled.
“Well I didn’t realize I was such an ugly duckling any other time.”
“You know what I mean.” I said.
She smiled. “I do. I like messing with you.”
I turned back to her. She was stunning. And I was crazy about her.
I sighed.
“Well it could still be a good thing. I didn’t knock you up right?”
She giggled. “No. Though my birth control is pretty bulletproof.”
I looked at her in mischief. “Oh, I know.”
Since she had told me about her implant, I admit I hadn’t been too quick to grab protection.
By now, I had came inside of her plenty of times. Which as I was thinking about it, I needed to scale that back a bit.
Birth control was not infallible as I had learned recently from a close friend, and we had a lot of sex.
She smiled back and I groped her leg.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
“Starving. I was so focused on relaxing, that I didn’t eat. By the way- I will pay you back Harry… for everything.”
“For today?” I questioned.
She nodded. “Yeah just give me a couple weeks, when I start working again I’ll pay you back.”
I nodded no. “You’re not paying me back. I wanted to do that for you.”
She gestured to herself. “Yes but Harry its too much…please…let me pay you back.”
I took her in.
The nails, hair, skin…it was all worth it.
“You already do.” I said. “I’m just happy you’re here with me. I really appreciate all you do and miss for me. You’ve literally given up some of your break and time with your friends and family…You didn‘t have to come love, but you did, and…thank you.”
She reached across the car, and placed her hand behind my neck.
She gently massaged and we locked eyes.
“Yes I did.”
She smiled impossibly wide as our eyes briefly connected and then she surprised me when she leaned and kissed my cheek. I moved so our lips would connect though I was driving.
She pulled away.
“You’re so good to me. I‘m lucky.”
“Well it’s because I love you-”
I paused instantly as the L word came out and I fumbled a recovery sentence.
“Know…doing things for you.“ I quickly backed up, pushing the words out like word vomit.
I fixed the sentence in seconds, and if she caught the slip, she didn’t let on and turned away from me.
“So what’s on the menu?” she asked settling back on her side of the car while I looked for signs of my slip. “Did you get the barbecue done?”
“I did actually. Got it all done.”
“Even with your meetings all day?”
“Even with my meetings…I’m a man of many talents.” I said mysteriously.
“Guess so.” she said turning from me.
Thankfully she hadn’t heard me.
We pulled in my driveway and Becca gathered her things.
Once she climbed out, I studied her again. My eyes traveled up past her jeans, up to her curled beachy waves.

Fuck. Me.

She caught my stare and I smiled.
The things I wanted to do…
I had to push those thoughts away for a couple of days. I turned away from her and tried to ignore the stiffness in my jeans.
“Such a shame.” I sighed.
She smiled, reading my expression. “Well you can make it up to me. It should all be over with before I leave.”
“I hope so.” I said honestly. “We only have a few more days together ya know?”
“Don‘t remind me.” she said and pouted.
I opened my front door, and immediately my sister stared back at us.
“Becca!” she said excitedly.
Becca smiled. “Gemma!” she called mimicking her tone.
“How are you?” Gemma asked, patting her side of the couch. “Come sit by me.”
Becca instantly looked at me. “Should I be worried?”
I smiled. “I’m here. She’s not going to ask you anything crazy. Are you Gem?” I asked cutting my eyes at her.
Gemma crossed her heart. “I promise. Not a word,” she emphasized.
Becca smiled and took a seat beside Gemma.
“I’ll going to heat up your food.” I said to Becca.
“Thanks hun.” she said.
I could hear Gemma begin on her and I just smiled to myself, shaking my head.
I headed in the kitchen, preparing the food that I knew Becca wanted from a previous conversation and watched them.
They were getting along well, and though Gemma was being a bit of nuisance and trying to get some sly information out of her, it was quite interesting to watch.
Their personalities were a bit similar. Both were outgoing and up for a good time, and it wasn’t long before they were giggling on the couch.
“Where’s the wine?” Gemma asked, calling to me.
I brought Becca’s plate to her.
“You’re not a very good host.” she scolded.
“That’s because you’re not a proper guest.”
She stuck her tongue out at me.
“Are my clothes still in the guest room?”
“What do you think?” I asked.
Becca dug into her food, while Gemma explained.
“I sometimes stay here when Harry is out of town. He likes me to housesit the place.”
“She volunteers.” I corrected. “And doesn’t really leave me much choice.”
“Oh you love it.” Gemma said throwing a small pillow at me.
Becca giggled. “You guys remind me of me and my sister so much.”
“How old is she?” Gemma asked turning back to her.
“Seventeen this year.”
“Are you close?” Gemma asked and Becca ate her brat and potato salad.
She nodded yes.
“And what does she think about you dating my brother?’
“She handled it well. I thought she was going to scream and fan girl out. But she’s taken it all very well. She’s kind of a Liam girl so I think I‘m safe.”
I smiled. “I’ll get the wine.” I said moving away from the girls.
The last thing I heard was, “So you were at the spa all day?”
I headed back in the kitchen, popping open a bottle, and grabbing three glasses.
My phone buzzed in my pocket.

*Band meeting. 11am. Essex.*

I instantly rolled my eyes. I didn’t respond and grabbed the wine glasses.
When I came out, the girls were old friends.
We spent the rest of our night drinking wine, watching TV and just enjoying each other’s company.
Gemma eventually took her usual guest bedroom, and me and Becca settled in my bed.
By now, she was still smelling like soap and I pulled her in my arms while we watched TV.
“You’re breaking my clothing rule.” I said as she laid on my chest.
She was in full lingerie with sweat pants and a hoodie.
“Sorry. I’m a girl. I deserve to be a bum during this time.”
I smiled and kissed her forehead.
Growing up with my mum and sister, I was use to women’s problems and it didn’t bother me that she was so blunt.
In fact, it kind of made me want to take care of her a bit.
“Do you need any tea or aspirin?”
“I’m good.” she mumbled against my chest and kissed it. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”

We fell asleep soon after, and in the morning, I had to shuffle around to get ready for my meeting.
Gemma left pretty early, with a friend picking her up and Becca remained in my bed.
“Another meeting.” I explained.
“I’m going to sit this one out.” she said.
“Kay. Don’t forget we go to Sweden tomorrow, and then after we have to stay in London for a bit, so you might want to pack a small bag.”
“We’re in London now right?”
“Technically Hampstead, but I have work so we’ll be staying in a hotel.”
She sat up and faced me.
“Do you mind if I don’t go? Like miss the show tomorrow and some of the work stuff?”
“Sure…I mean…Are you okay?”
“It’s just, I don’t feel the greatest and paired with my friend, I just kind of want to rest a bit for a few days.”
“Are you getting sick? Do you need me to get anything?”
“Just rest.” she said. “I don’t want to get too deep into it, but I have low iron and I’m anemic, so I get pretty lethargic around this time.”
“Do you take medicine for it?”
“Of course. But I would just prefer to rest…if you don’t mind.”
I leaned and kissed her forehead. “I don’t. But, I have to get to this meeting.”
“What time will you be back?”
“Who knows. But I’ll keep in contact.”
“Alright. Bye handsome.” she said with a wide smile.
I gave her a final kiss and then headed downstairs.
I made her a quick cup of tea, and left some aspirin on the counter for her, then I left.

When I returned home she was sleeping. It appeared she hadn’t left my bed.
Turning off the TV, I cuddled up behind her, and rested my head in her hair.
“Hmm…” she moaned gently, waking up and I wrapped my arm around her.
“Didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”
“Yeah, we just needed to decide on the single.”
“Is it coming out soon?” she mumbled.
“Couple weeks.” I said, then closed my eyes. An unexpected exhaustion hitting me suddenly.
“It’s going to mastering and distribution next week.” I mumbled behind her.
“Yay.” she said gently.
I could hear the sleep in her voice.
I pulled her to me, ready for sleep as well.
“Do you need anything?” I asked once more, before I dozed off.
“Just this.” she said softly. “Just you.”
I opened my eyes briefly and kissed her cheek.
What a perfect answer.
I studied the incredible lines of her face, and the little pout of her lips.
Jeez.
Why was she so beautiful to me?
She cleared her throat gently and I felt her butt rub against me, nestling closer.
I smiled and leaned to kiss her again.
“Baby get some rest.” I said. “I’m right here.”
Her perfect face pulled into a smile. My hand went to a string of her hair and as I pulled it through my fingers some of the curls were still there from the previous day.
I watched her for a few seconds just thinking about things and she continued to keep close with her eyes closed, and pressed against me.
It felt warm. And comfortable. And familiar.
Though it was something I hadn’t had before.
Being here with another woman had never been like this.
It had just never felt this way.
I didn’t want to move and suddenly being anywhere else, doing something else, didn’t seem that important.
I could have laid there behind her. No TV, no music, and no interruptions.
Just me and her.
What a feeling.

Before I knew what I was doing I was kneeling down, burying my head in her neck and kissing her skin. She gently moaned and I just rested there.
Filled with her.
Filled with us.
Filled with something.

Sudden words were on the tip of my tongue. As my lips sat inches away from her skin, my mouth suspended in the air with the words ‘ Man, I love you’ sitting at the forefront.
As my mouth parted, it almost slipped out again.

I love you.

Love.

What.
The.
Fuck.

I froze.
I pulled back,
Instantly I shifted and let her go.
Becca’s eyes opened suddenly and she turned to me as I jumped off the bed.
She looked at me in concern.
“What is it?”
My hands went to my hair quickly and I shuffled it from my face.
I turned from her.
I needed to get out of this space.
I needed to get out of this room.
I needed to get out of this house.
I needed to get away from her.
It was all too suffocating suddenly.
I quickly patted my pockets for my keys and phone.
Where was everything?
“Where are you going?” she asked gently. “You’re not laying down?”
Her voice was soft and gentle and as much as I wanted to look at her, I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
“I just remembered I need to do something.” I said, saying the first thing that came to mind. “I gotta ah…go grab something.”
“Oh.” she said quietly. “Okay.”
I kept my eyes off of her, looking at the door.
“I ah…I’ll see you in a bit. Get some rest.” I said.
I could hear the smile in her tone. “Kay. Drive safe babe.” she said.
I left the room, and rushed down the stairs.
I had my phone but I immediately looked for my keys.

Fuck, fuck, fuck….

No, no, no…..

I found them on the counter by the door.
Not looking back, I left the house quick.
The warm London air hit me and I moved to my car so fast, you would have thought someone was chasing me.
Going to my Audi, I climbed in, slammed the door, and then in the comfort of my car, expelled the breath I didn’t even know I was holding.
My hands went to the steering wheel, and I took another deep breath.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Holy shit.
I looked around my car. My thoughts focused and saw only one thing.
Three words.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Why the hell was I going to say that?
Not once, but now twice.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

I didn’t.
I didn’t love her.

I love you.
I love you.

Becca was great, and she was beautiful.
She was fun and we had a good time together, but that didn’t mean I loved her.
Becca was here and in London.
And yeah, we had spent most of the previous month together but that didn’t mean I loved her.
Me and Becca had spoke almost everyday since the day we had exchanged numbers and she was the first person I spoke to when I woke up but that didn’t mean I loved her.
Because I didn’t.
I didn’t love her.
Love was something totally different.
Love was more.
Love was something that took months and months and more time, and more doing and….
I didn’t love her.
I couldn’t.
There was no way.

I started my car.
It just wasn’t possible.
I had never been in love, but I knew this wasn’t it.
It wasn’t that simple.
Outside of great sex, and good conversation, we didn’t have that much.
Or did we?
I turned on the radio.
Loud and blasting.

No. No. NO.

There was no way.
I didn’t love her.
I didn’t love her.
I bit my lip saying it to myself.
“I don’t. I don’t.”
Her face crept in my thoughts. Her voice in my ears. Her smile…
I thought back to the first time I had seen her face.
The curiosity.
The first time in New York around Christmas.
In the Airport her friend Kelsey had taken center stage, holding me and smiling as she asked for a picture but it was Becca who held my interest as she fiddled with the camera, obviously not enthused by the exchange. In the cluster of girls, she was the only one who didn’t care who I was. She seemed almost inconvenienced when I offered to give her my picture.
That gesture was so refreshing. And that gesture, was why she was the one who was on my mind as I boarded the plane.
A month later, when I saw her again, I couldn’t believe my luck. There she was again, all wide eyed and focused on the customer in front of her at a coffee shop. Through my sunglasses, I watched her, really taking her in for the first time. Call it tunnel vision, but I was only focused on her.
In the room, she easily stood out and she easily had my attention.
But that wasn’t because I loved her or even liked her.
That was just who she was.
She stood out and made it hard to look away.
I don’t even know if I thought she was attractive then.
Oh but I did.
How could I have not?
How could I have looked at her and not seen how beautiful she was?
“Is that your name?” I asked when I approached her, the bright white letters ‘Becca’ on her chest.
She blushed, looking away and studying the name tag as if she didn’t know her own name.
“Yeah.” she said.
My eyes stayed on her.
Long after we got our drinks, and me and Jeff were leaving, she was on my mind.
I had to come back that next day and see her again.
I had to reply when she sent me a message.
I had to invite her to Bangkok.

Fuck.

I turned the radio station.
I thought back to the first time I realized I wanted her. That night at the Bangkok hotel the first night she arrived.
Those short blue shorts and the t-shirt.
The way her skin glowed and she giggled as I gave her a room tour.
I thought back to the first time we played scrabble. The first time we kissed.
The first time we touched.

Fuck.

I thought back to the month we didn’t talk and how much I missed her. How so many times I wrote her a message and then deleted it.
How I would think of her, even in the smallest moments.
That night we reconnected in Los Angeles, and the way I watched her as she laid in my bed sleeping after having sex in my car.
I was doomed then.

Fuck.

Maybe I did.
Maybe I did love her.
In a teeny tiny small way, maybe a part of me, had fallen in love with a part of her.
I glanced back at the house where she was, since I hadn’t yet left the driveway.
I thought back to Gemma, Jeff, Glenne, Jack, and my dad. Is that what everyone was seeing? Was it love?
Apart of me wanted to go back in there at that tiny realization and lay back beside her and never let her go. Another part of me, was terrified, and freaking out.
I couldn’t do this.
I couldn’t have this.
I had a career.
I had a hectic life.
I had thousands of fans and contracts and plans.
I needed to end this.
And soon.

I rested my head on my steering wheel.
I was so conflicted.
What was I suppose to do?
How did I end it?
How could I end it?
How could I let her go?
Wait.
What the hell was I saying?
I couldn’t walk away from her. She was a fucking prize.
In a lot of ways she had been what I was waiting on.
Finally a relationship that could go places. Finally an Eleanor to my Louis, or a Sophia to my Liam.
Someone to finally share more than a couple weeks of my life with.
Could I make it work?
Could we even be together?
I had a busy schedule the next few weeks, but I guess I could try.
I could move some things, and figure out ways to sneak her places.
I could maybe cancel some things, and with her school….
Then, like a light bulb it hit me.
Why the hell was I even thinking about this?
Why the hell was I even stressed out?
In a month, I wouldn’t even be seeing her anymore. She would be back in school and I would still be on the road preparing to promote the new album.
She had her own goals and plans, and I couldn’t be apart of them.
Her life was in New York where her dreams were just starting to hatch. In a couple months, she would meet her own version of an X Factor stage after graduation, and who knew where her path was going to take her.
This couldn’t happen.
This was not going to happen.
We were not going to happen.
Back to the original plan.
I finally pulled off.
I just had to push everything to the back of my mind.
I just needed to push everything away
I just needed to push her away.
That would be the only way this would work.
This had to end.
And it needed to start today.

Notes