All Again

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
HARRY

Now.

I proposed to Julie on a Thursday.
Three days after our seven month anniversary.
You want to know how I did it?
Well she had been out of town for a week, and I had been staying at her condo.
I had surprised her, decorating her condo with scent-less candles, and red rose petals.
It had took me three hours to get the house together and I had walked around the house, taking instructions-that I didn't need- from my sister Gemma.
Place the petals this way. Up, and down the hallways.
Put on that type of music. Something soft and romantic.
When she walks in, make her wait. Let her call out your name a few times.
Make the proposal suspenseful. Leave a sneaky letter and make her find you.
Make it memorable. Make sure it's the best night of her life so far.
The funny thing about it was, I had been there all before.
I had been to the floral shop standing in line purchasing the bouquets. I had sat around the house, jumbled with nerves at how the night would go, and I had spent hours on the internet, googling pictures on how to make sure the proposal was worthy of multiple story retellings.
The blueprint for this proposal was tucked away close already.
Truthfully, Julie's proposal had been sitting in my nightstand for two years at that point; long expired from its original purpose and for the intended person.
The same nightstand that rests behind me now.
The ring had been kept in my sock drawer, rolled in two black pairs of socks, that I never wore--the dresser, the one that sits in front of me now.
At first, I felt like maybe that was taking it too far.
So many things about our relationship had been built on borrowed remnants of my relationship with Becca.
The perfume I bought her was the kind Becca liked.
The shoes I picked out had Becca's style.
And now the ring, which had been designed for Becca's slender finger, was going to sit pretty on Julie's manicured hands.
It didn't all seem right and my mother's words that next morning would echo for the next few weeks.
"You can't make her Becca." she had warned after I told her about the plan of the pretty little six carat ring. "You need to let that go and start fresh."
Defensive, and pissed off that Becca was brought up, I had denied what I knew wasn't true.
"I'm over her." I said. "I don't even care about her anymore. Everyone needs to get over it."
I had even added a little grit to my tone, and disgust to sell the words.
But the fucked up part was, I did, and as I stare up at her now, I know I am still completely fucked.
I'm still in love with her.
Completely and foolishly.
As I look back at the source of my hearts turmoil, I don't say a word.
I'm tired and my mothers words, are finally sinking in.
This is a waste of time.
After two years, what am I expecting?
Do I even think she would actually choose me in the end?
No.
So why am I wasting my time?
She has been quiet for a while now.
Silenced by my profession.
Silenced by my truth.
In an act of not thinking, I had finally admitted it: I want you.
I hadn't meant for it to come out, but it had, spilled and coating the room around us. The same room that we had made love and promises many many months earlier.
The same room, that after she leaves, I'm going to finally rip and tear apart.
My mother is right. I do need to let her go, but after that....after the truth, how can I?
I study the floral print of her blue dress in front of me. I almost remember the first day she wore it. If I remember correctly, she had bought it for some promotional event for me.
Ironic that she wears it now.
As she stands in front of me, I try not to stare, but how can I not?
The imaginary figure of my dreams is back before me, and whether I want to or not, I can't help but sneak quick glances when she doesn't look directly at me.
Everything about her still gets to me, and for the last two days, I have tried to push these thoughts away.
I have tried to move on.
Really.
I've even stopped the comparisons over the last few months.
But today, she pushed me to the edge.
She just doesn't get it.
She just doesn't see the way she ruins me.
I clear my throat and wait.
She hasn't moved much, still frozen in the same spot.
Her eyes have softened, and are no longer wide and demanding, taunting me to continue.
Instead, for the first time, I have completely shut her up.
If it wasn't for what I had said, I would rejoice.
I have finally won a round.
I force my eyes away for a second and scan the room. If this was a movie, you would hear a clock somewhere in the distance, ticking and highlighting the time that is passing.
It's probably only been a minute or two, but it feels like forever.
She stands, while I sit.
She stares, while my eyes wonder.
I think a part of me is too scared to really focus on her again.
I'm not ready for her rejection.
But, as always, she surprises me.
"What am I suppose to say to that?" she says suddenly, breaking the loudest silence I have heard recently. "Why would you say that?"
I want to smile at the accusatory tone of her voice.
She makes it sound like I had a choice in any of this- like I ever have.
"What? The truth?" I ask.
Her eyes turn to incisions and she shakes her head quickly- angrily.
"You don't want me. You're just trying to piss me off and honestly, I don't have time for the games." she says, raising her tone.
I'm sure a screaming match is around the corner.
Round 453.
I look back at her for a second, trying to read if she is serious. Could her mind really work this way?
When I read the seriousness of her eyes, I can tell she truly believes that I'm playing a game with her- as if it's crazy to still love her.
"Wow." I say. I don't really know what else to say.
I'm dumbfounded.
I stand slowly and keep my eyes on her.
"I don't have time for games Becca. The mind fuck games are all you."
She snarls.
"Besides, I don't want to want you." I emphasize.
I bend and pick up my sweater from earlier off the bed.
"I would give anything to just go back to the way my life was."
She scoffs.
"What two days ago?"
"No." I say moving past her. "Before I met you."
"Well I wish I had never met you either." she says quickly and our eyes meet.
I expect to see darts and flames, but nope...there is something else.
She tries to stand so confidently, but she forgets I know her better than anyone.
I have hurt her feelings. Immediately my defenses melt. I reach for her and try to retract my statement, but she moves away from me.
I can see the wheels spinning in her mind.
She looks in the corner, at her old closet.
"So...what have I been missing?" she says not missing a beat.
"With what?" I ask nonchantlantly. I put my previous outfit of jeans and sweater back in the drawer, and turn to her.
"You say I don't get something...fool's gold...and what is that?"
This time I stop.
I had forgotten the path I was going only minutes earlier.
I was about to spill it all, so loud that our neighbors could hear it.
But now...I hear my Mother.
I need to let her go.
"Forget it." I say.
"No." she demands. "You had your tantrum and called me a bitch so I would listen to you...well...I'm listening. I'm all ears."
She crosses her arms.
I roll my eyes.
If we go down that road, I'm not sure of the outcome.
"Becca that does nothing for me. Tap your foot, and huff and puff...but I'm done. I'm over the whole fucking conversation."
"So you lied."
"I've never lied to you a day in my life." I quickly argue.
"So you do want me?" she challenges.
I shouldn't respond, but she knows me, and she knows how to get me to react.
I instantly do.
"You already know the answer to that question. You know how I've felt for five years Becca."
She shrugs as if she doesn't- indifferent.
"Guess I don't." she says.
I sigh and regret this, but I answer.
"Fine."
She bites her lip, hiding a smile. Ball back in her court.
"Do you remember that day I came back to L.A. when the movie switched locations and you were still sleeping with that other guy?"
Her facial expression is immediately put off. I expect its because of her other ex, but nope, not so much.
"Dunkirk?" she questions instead, as if I've filmed more than one movie.
The expression is amusing to me.
I have to admit, a part of me likes to see her annoyed too.
I smile. "Yes Dunkirk. You came and got me from the airport."
"Why are we talking about that?" she asks impatiently.
"Do you remember?" I ask, ignoring her.
"Of course I remember."
Her tone inflects, letting me know she is already starting to lose patience. She doesn't like stories.
"Do you remember how isolated everything was?"
"Obviously."
"The whole time I had been away filming, we had barely spoke-"
"That's because of you Harry." she quickly reminds me.
"Yes, but who did I go too, the moment I came into town?"
She doesn't respond and I continue.
"You were the first person I wanted to see. So much that I practically ran to you. I couldn't wait another day."
She sighs finally over it.
"Why the hell are we talking about this?! Why can't you ever just answer a question?"
I ignore her again.
"That's what you miss." I say pointing at her. "That's what you always miss."
Her eyes immediately furrow in confusion and I quickly explain.
"Being in your life has never been a choice Becca." I say softly. "Loving you was something I could never control. Despite what you seem to think, you aren't someone I can easily walk away from."
"I know that." she says suddenly cutting me off. "I know you loved me Harry, the problem was, it wasn't enough."
"You didn't let it be." I argue.
She sighs loudly.
She shakes her head and sits on the bed.
"You know Harry, I'm not this Queen that you think I am, and you are not some saint. Some fairytales don't have a happily ever after."
"And some do." I counter back.
She cuts her eyes at me but doesn't say another word.
"Either way I'm over this," I mutter quickly. Time for a quick escape.
"I'm going back in the kitchen." I announce.
She doesn't reply, but she also doesn't make a move to follow me.
I'm actually a bit relieved. It'll give me some time to recoup and get back on track.
I grab my other shirt, tossing it on quickly. She stays, sulking on the bed.
As I head to the main room, passing our old pictures on the wall, I try to zone out.
I try to ignore how her presence invades my space.
I try to ignore the meaning underneath. This hate you but want you feeling.
Love you, but can't have you.
After the last two days, and her tweet yesterday I thought I was ready to see her again- but now, I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all.
I can't figure out how this is suppose to end.
How the hell do I end it?
I move back to the kitchen, beginning to clean up our dishes. I put away the bag of cheddar chips I got just for her, and I empty her glass of juice.
Her world mixing and taking over mine.
I have another surprise for her but at this point, I shouldn't even bother.
She should leave.
But at the same time, I hope she stays.
Thinking back on it now, that's what upset me. When she answered the phone for Chase, it felt like a slap in my face.
I felt like she was picking him over me. If he would have asked, I knew she would probably go, and that was what pissed me off. That was when I was over it.
She is with him, and I am with Julie. This ending could be nothing but pointless.
Now this is where it will stand forever.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I lean my back against the sink as I pull the phone out.
*Hey Love, I hope your day is going well. I already miss you like crazy! I have a break coming up so stay near your phone. Talk soon! Love you!*
I swipe my screen unlocking it, and go to the Messages folder. I hit the reply button when I feel her presence come into the room.
In the few minutes we've been apart, she has pulled her hair up and it bounces with her small steps.
As she breezes past me, she doesn't look at me at first, but after she takes a seat at the counter, her eyes meet mine head on.
Light from the sun is in the room, and it hits her eyes.
They are brilliant and glossy; wet almost.
Has she been...
"Okay I'm ready." she announces.
My hand remains suspended in the air, ready to reply to Julie, and I don't move.
Ready for what?
And has she been crying?
If so, she has recovered pretty quickly.
But what did I do to get her there?
Becca keeps her stare.
She wants me to react.
"Ready for what?" I say on cue, trying to read her eyes.
"To be honest." she says with a measured sigh.
"Honest about what?" I ask.
"How I feel." she says slowly. "About you, us."
My hand immediately shifts off the phone. Julie can wait.
This is going to be good.
Tossing the phone on the counter, I keep my eyes on her.
I cross my arms.
"I'm listening."
"Do you want to sit?" she asks.
"I better stand."
I'm sure whatever is coming is going to make me want to walk away.
Lately she's been very good at pissing me off.
She cups her hands together, and keeps her eyes on me.
I can see the thoughts dance across her eyes but these I can't read.
She sighs slowly, gaining courage.
I suck in a breath, in fear.
"Okay..." she says slowly.
She looks away and begins.
"You said something back there, about me not being affected."
Her eyes rise to meet mine slowly.
"So?" I question.
"That can't be further from the truth."
I continue to look back at her.
She pauses, a dramatic pause. Funny...now she is the storyteller.
"Those pictures...the ones on the Bangkok Camera, this house..." she says making a gesture with her hands. "You think I hate it because it has to do with you, but that's not true. I hate it all because of me, the way it makes me feel."
"And what way is that?"
She looks back at me but doesn't immediately answer.
"Can you please sit?" she asks again.
I nod no.
I'm scared to be that close to her right now.
She sighs and pushes her body away from the counter.
Her hands cup the granite and she gives herself a silent pep talk.
I'm bout to intervene and rush her when it all comes out in word vomit.
"I feel like I've loved you all my life Harry, and sometimes it feels like I'll never stop."
Wait...
Huh?
Her head is down and she can't even look at me as she says it.
Due to her position, the words were so rushed and quiet, that I know she was hoping I wouldn't catch it.
She's shit out of luck, because I hear every word.
"I still feel something for you,"
And then the head rises.
"But I don't want too. We don't work."
The 'work' comment, I've heard before- even recently, but the 'love' word...well I haven't heard that in two years especially not in that way.
I consume her words.
She. Still. Loves. Me.
Too.
"And do you know how hard that is? Loving someone you know you can't have...that you could never be with." she says finishing her thought a second later.
I surprise her and myself with my next comment.
"But you could have me."
She rolls her eyes.
"Julie-" she reminds me. "Your bride. And Chase. There's too much that's happened-"
"You. Could. Have. Me." I cut her off and emphasize each word. "You could still have me. The last few years didn't have to happen Becca. You made this. You ran and killed our happily ever after. Don't forget that." I say pushing off the counter and bending down. I lean over her and stare down.
Green eyes to Hazel.
I want to punish her, and I give her the coldest look I can muster.
Feel it Becca...feel the way you've fucked up our life.
Feel the way you've ruined everything we could have been.
Our future has become a sad, lonely condo that I can barely stand to visit.
She bites her lips and keeps her gaze steady on me.
"You don't get it." she mumbles this time.
She shakes her head.
"I get it Becca. You don't get it. Take ownership for this." I demand. "You're the one who left me."
Whatever I say, triggers something inside of her. So much that I immediately jump back.
She jumps out of the chair and yanks her ponytail out. She throws the binder across the room.
Before I have time to prepare, she is in my face, hair wild and SCREAMING AT ME.
"You don't have a fucking clue!!! Jeez Harry, you're clueless! Just like back then! How come you haven't figured it out by now! How come you couldn't see how broken I was? How fucking wrecked I was while you were on the tour? How could you not hear it in my voice every time you talked to me...and then you came back- God! You came back and you...You! You killed us! You killed her! The fucking stress-"
I grab her.
I
Shut
Her
Down.
Pulling her to me, my lips hit hers roughly.
I feel her suck in a breath, as my lips swallow hers.
We are instantly slow and high tempo.
Pain and pleasure.
Her lips move against mine quickly, defeated. Her entire body gives into me, kissing me hungrily.
Her kiss is ravenous and for a few seconds, I don't think about anything but her.
Hands grace skin, and bodies slam pieces of the room.
I hit the sink, kissing and sucking.
She hits the counter, touching and rubbing- some tangled back and forth, where we don't come up for air.
She is almost mine and this time I'm not letting her go.
She almost belongs to me again, but I already belong to her.
My hands go to lift her dress and I'm so happy that I can barely contain it.
I feel like I've loved you all my life Harry...
The dress comes off.
And sometimes it feels like I'll never stop.
She grabs for my shirt and pulls it off.
I lift her on the counter.
You can have me. You could still have me.
I feel her hands go for the hem of my sweat shorts.
My hands move from her body, and begin to pull them down too.
My dick is a rock.
The bottoms hit the floor.
"Do you have a condom?" she asks breaking the kiss, her tone breathless.
"Fuck the condom." I say. I'm going to go in bare, like before.
I'm going to make her remember what we're like.
Being inside of her is home, and there's no place like it.
I truly feel like she was created for me. And I for her.
You don't have a clue!!! Fuck Harry!
She smiles, giggles and looks back at me. Her lips are a deep red, bruised from our rough kisses and she has never looked more beautiful.
I'm so happy.
I yank her to me, and go for her panties.
Thank you God for today. Thank you for the last few words even if she was screaming at me.
It got us here.
It got us back to us.
My hands palm her bra and I go to kiss her again.
Her lips encase mine. That beautiful mouth, molded to that beautiful face.
How could you not hear it in my voice every time you talked to me?
I can't believe I've forgotten how good she tastes.
She wraps completely around me, gripping her legs around my waist.
"Man, i've missed you." she says, kissing my neck. "I've missed you so much."
And then you came back.
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Ever again."
God!...You! You killed us!
I go to kiss her again, then it hits me.
The last words.
You killed her.
Her.
Something in me stops as I replay the final sentence again.
How come you haven't figured it out by now! You killed us. You killed her...
"What is it?" Becca calls gently in concern, as I pull slightly away from her.
Her.
Her.
HER.
The stress...
I look back at Becca. Really look at her. My smile fades.
I see something I've never seen before, but in a second it all makes sense. All the pieces of the last breakup finally come together. A quick movie plays before my eyes, in front of both of us. I finally get what she was just screaming at me.
How come you couldn't see how broken I was? How fucking wrecked I was while you were on the tour?
How could you not hear it in my voice every time you talked to me?
You killed us! You killed her!
Becca's smile fades as I look at her and the light in her eyes is quickly replaced with something else.
Her eyes fill up quickly.
I see so many things at once.
Regret.
Sadness.
Fear.
She knows I have finally caught on.
"Becca," I begin.
My voice is not mine.
And she swallows and begins to shake her head no.
"Please-" she pleads in a whisper.
The heaviness of my next words almost choke me. I don't think I can even say it, but I have too.
Her eyes have already told me everything and I need to confirm.
"What do you mean?"
"Harry-"
"What are you talking about?"
My voice is hoarse, almost a whisper.
"Harry don't. Let's forget it- "
She tries to kiss me again, and my hands go out to stop her.
It pisses me off instantly, the way she tries to brush this away now.
Who the fuck does she think she is?
"Harry-" she pleads. "Forget it. We're moving past it."
She gestures between us, and our half nude positions, but forget all that... my dick has quickly become a limp noodle.
"No the fuck we're not..." I say taking a step backwards. "Who are you talking about Becca? What do you mean 'I killed her'. Killed who? Who Becca?"
She swallows again and turns away from me. I already know what she is about to do.
The queen of running has shown me this card a couple times before. I take my previous step back toward her and grip her face. I make her face me.
"Don't." I warn. "Answer me."
"I can't-" she cries. "I didn't mean what I just said. It slipped out and-"
"NOW!" I scream.
And then she breaks in my hands. The most gut-wrenching wail I've ever heard. In seconds, trickles of tears fall down her face and cover my hand in streams.
I feel like I'm going to die. I feel like my whole world can end right here.
But I don't even get to make it that far because a second later, she just puts me out of my misery. Her words are quick and jumbled.
"Harry, I didn't know how to tell you. We were fighting all the time and your tour had ended and we were trying to figure us out and-"
"Just tell me."
She swallows again and I let her face go. She puts her head down and rests the tip of her forehead aganist the crook of my left shoulder, leaning against me.
In the past, a hand would have quickly gathered behind there, but I can't stand to touch her right now.
"Please don't hate me-" she begs, bringing her eyes back to mine, but I have no sympathy.
"Becca if you don't fucking say it-"
"I was pregnant," she says quickly a half a second later, practically cutting me off.
"What?" I ask, still not possibly comprehending.
"I was pregnant." she whispers. "We had a baby."
The room goes intantly silent.
And then it is over.
All the pictures on the wall...
All the clothes in the room...
Everything we have ever had, ends right there.
The realization of what she might have done takes precedent over every prior emotion I had.
I instantly pull away from her.
I hate her.
Instantly.
HATE HER in a way i've never hated anyone or anything before.
"What the fuck did you do..."
My heart is shattered.
And now I know.
Point of no return.
This is it.
She jumps off the counter and tries to hold me, to explain...
I immediately push her away from me for the first real time in my life.
She hits the counter again, hard this time. It might leave a small sore.
"Harry, please let me explain. It's not what you think-"
"Don't." I warn. "Don't come near me." And my thoughts scramble. "How could you not tell me something like this?"
"I couldn't."
My eyes raise and cut into hers.
"What the hell do you mean you couldn't?"
"I couldn't tell you. Everything was going so good for you career wise, and we were...we were a big pile of shit. We were fighting every day. You stopped coming home-"
Fuck her.
And fuck this.
"Get out." I say swiftly.
"Listen to me!" she screams. "You never listen to me!!"
"Get the fuck out of this house!" I scream back.
"But Harry-"
"GET OUT!"
I've finally snapped.
Now I know.
Point of no return.
This is it.
This is how we end.
It's finally over.



NOW...ON TO PART TWO! :)

Notes