All Again

CHAPTER FOUR
HARRY


Now

I had seen something like this on a movie once. This dinner.
On screen it came across as a comedy and you found yourself laughing at how awkward it all was.
Well, if this was my movie on the big screen, I wouldn't laugh. I would cringe.

Julie St. Clair or 'Jules' as I called her, was one of the prettiest women in the world. She had millions of followers, multiple contracts and was quickly rising in the fashion world. She had this girl next door quality that countries seemed to love.
She had something that I loved.

But she isn't Becca. And I had forgot that.
Until tonight.

"How is everything?" Becca asks across from the table we are now sitting at, but I don't look at her.
I can't.
All night I've had to remind myself to be on my best behavior.
Don't stare at her too long.
Don't smile too often.
Don't flirt. Don't react.

It's been two years since we've seen each other in person and she hasn't changed. She's still stunning and I have to admit when I saw her on that staircase, time stopped for a brief moment.

"Everything is wonderful babe." Chase says. He is across from me, and my eyes travel to his hands that have just lovingly found hers. I watch as he squeezes her hand, comforting her.

I don't like his hands. They are too big and overtake hers. As I stare, I feel small hands trail across my back and I turn. Julie is touching me, and smiling at me.
"Babe?" she calls. Her eyes signal that she has asked a question.
I look up, casting my eyes to the pair in front of me, but they're not paying attention. Chase is in her ear, whispering something.

I feel sick.

I turn to Julie. "Yes?" I ask.
"Do you like your food?" she says quietly. "Becca just asked?"

I look down at my plate that is barely touched. I'm sure my food is cold now.
"It's perfect." I say looking at Becca, who now has her eyes on me.
The warm hazel orbs, unreadable.
"Are you sure?" Chase asks. "Becca made something else in case."
I don't glance his way as he speaks, but I am confused.
"Why did you do that?" I ask Becca.
"I didn't know what you guys liked. With a models diet and ya know,so many people being vegan nowadays.." she trailed off.
"So what else did you make then?" I ask.
"A salad." she says and looks directly at Julie.
I bite on my lip. I hide my smile. Her dig at Julie is not missed by me. However, it is missed on everyone else. Thankfully.
"Oh no this is perfect." Julie says warmly.
"It is." I repeat and settle back in my chair. My attention turns to Chase. Once more he is looking at Becca like a sad fucking puppy.
Does that look actually come across as attractive? I don't get what she sees in him and I don't understand how they even got this far in their relationship.
I am curious.
"So...how did you two meet?" I ask seconds later. Becca instantly shoots her head in his direction and I can tell she is uncomfortable.

Interesting.

"Through my work." he says casually.
"What do you do? Marketing or something right?"
"Public Relations." he says proudly.
I nod as if I'm interested, but I'm not. I do want to know how they met if he is in Public Relations and since we share a mutual friend.
I lean forward, stirring the mashed potatoes on my plate.
"So?" I pester.
The conversation has been paused and I'm curious why.
"So what?" Becca asks cutting in.
"Is that where the story ends?" I add humor to my voice to appear as casual as possible.
"Oh no." Chase says quickly. "But it gets pretty boring after that. She just needed my help with some things and the rest is history as they say."
He looks at Becca as he says this and I swallow.
I know that look. He adores her.
"What things?" Julie says beside me and I could kiss her. I want to know badly, but I shouldn't be the one to ask anymore.
"Just...some things that were in the media." Becca says quietly and grabs her wine glass. She takes a quick sip.
"Things in the media..." I repeat slowly.
The only things in the media were stuff in relation to us and we hadn't dated in two years.
"When did you guys meet?" I ask quickly.
"About ten months ago...right?" Chase asks, looking at Becca for confirmation, but she is looking at me. And I am looking at her.

What happened ten months ago that would make her meet him?
Whatever it is, she doesn't want to talk about it because she quickly changes the subject.

"So Julie!" she says putting her wine glass down. "Tell us about your modeling. How did you get started in it?"
I shift.
Fuck. Don't ask her that question.
Suddenly, Julie sits up a little straighter and clasps her hands together in excitement.
Here we go.
"Well-"

I go to a different place and tune out. I've heard the story four or five times now and I'm tired of hearing about it. I focus on the food in front of me, digging in. I eat the chicken, potatoes and asparagus. It is all quite good, and I realize I have missed Becca's cooking. But honestly, I have missed most things about her.
I down my glass of wine and reach for seconds when Julie finishes up.
"Oh wow. That's interesting." Becca says.
She is lying and being fake. I look at her and our eyes lock. My right hand meets my lip and I tug. I read her eyes as well.
There is something she wants to say, but she remains quiet.
There is something I want to say as well.

"So Harry,"
I shift my eyes to Chase.
"How's everything going with you? Your music?" he asks.
I hide my eye roll.
It seems we are playing the 'get to the know the other lover' game and I'm already bored with it. Plus, I don't like this guy.
I only came tonight because I want to talk to Becca. I want to see her smile and hear her laugh just once more.
I want to talk like we use too, before everything changed.
I turn and look at her again.
"Music is good. I just sold out a few gigs. I'm going to be touring soon." I say softly.
I was solo now and had completely cut ties with my past band musically- though we were all still very close. It had been going on for a while, but everything was really starting to kick off now.
But it wasn't what Becca wanted to hear.
She suddenly broke eye contact with everyone, and pulled back her chair.
"I'm going to grab dessert." she says gently, excusing herself.
My gaze follows hers. It hurts that she doesn't want to hear what I have going on.
"Have you heard his stuff? It's been sounding really great lately." Julie says beside me. She sounds proud and I know she is, but right now I don't care.
Now that Becca is gone, I'm tempted to ask Chase what the hell is wrong with Becca. She's been odd this whole dinner.
What the hell has he been doing to her?
They continue to talk about my music, but I mainly watch the door where Becca just left out of.
I have an internal battle with myself to get up and go check on her again. I don't know what's wrong, but I want to comfort her. It must be the old ways.
I place my napkin down, allowing the red little man on my shoulder to win and begin to push my seat back when she returns suddenly.
I catch her eye instantly.
She gazes back at me and it's intimate. So intimate that it turns my stomach and warms it at the same time but I hold the gaze.
We do this all the time.
We read each other well.
I like to think someone else knows me as well as she does, but I know it isn't true. With her I am a blank page, and she is the words that complete the book.
For a moment, our minds must think the same thing- what happened to us?
Then she swallows and turns and it seems she remembers.
And I do too, though I don't like to reflect on it.
I run my hands through my hair and sigh.
"You okay?" Julie asks me and I nod and smile. Julie refills my wine glass and I try to clear my thoughts, pulling my seat back up to the table.
I don't know how much longer this will all last, but I decide then that I'm going to enjoy it.
I will probably never get this moment with Becca again and it depresses me, but it makes me want to make the best of it.
We didn't get our goodbye and that's what tonight is.
This is our closure.
She has Chase and I have Julie and in a few months, neither of our pasts will matter. I will be a married man.
Becca sets the dessert on the table- Cheesecake- and I smile.
It's my favorite of hers.
Before I realize it, my hand reaches across and touches hers on the table. "You didn't have too." I say in admiration.
It is a surprisingly nice gesture coming from her.
I can feel my smile and I know it is wide. Becca's eyes show no emotion.
"But I did."
She looks at Julie.
I can feel the stare of Julie's blue eyes on me suddenly too and I know she is not happy at my reaction. I guess I have crossed a line.
I remove my hand from Becca's and I don't turn to either of them.
Becca sits and Chase looks uncomfortable as well.
She places her hand on his and brings it gently to her lips. It is a reassuring gesture to him and I don't like it.
I feel like she is cutting me and slicing at my skin. I don't think she can hurt me anymore in that moment. But...then...
"So, Julie..." Becca says and then she does it. She fucking stabs me.
"Can I see your ring?"
My eyes instantly cut to the engagement ring on Julie's hand as she lifts her hand robotically.
I grab it quickly and wrap her hand in mine hiding the ring. Chase looks at me curiously.
"How about later? Let's try this cheesecake." I say.
Julie frowns at me, I'm sure anxious to show off her ring.
"No I want to see her ring." Becca continues and Julie slides her hand out of mine.
"Stop Harry." she says with a forced smile. "This is what us girls do."
Chase instantly looks at me and pretends to be sick and gagging but I'm not pretending. I can feel my stomach bubbling.
I try to force eye contact with Becca to stop but she doesn't look at me. She admires the ring as if it is the first time she has seen it.
It isn't.
I can remember it being thrown at me two years earlier.
Technically it had never actually been claimed as hers- she had turned me down after all and the only tie she had to the ring was that it had been designed for her. A process that had cost a lot of money and took a lot of my time... so to be truthful, it deserved to be worn by someone. Why not Julie?
"It's beautiful." Becca says. "Where did you get it Harry?"
She asks the question but won't look at me. I can feel a slow anger burning inside of me.
What kind of game is she playing? Why would she bring the ring up?
I ignore her.
"Where's the knife?" I ask to cut the cheesecake. I don't see it.
"Where did you get the ring Harry?" Becca asks more sternly.
"Stop." I warn. Her eyes are slits.
"Why can't you say where you got it? It must have been a recent place?" she throws out.
I fold my hands and stare back at her. Now I'm pissed off.
Our eyes shoot bullets at each other.
Chase suddenly jumps up, probably sensing the tension. "I'll get it! Cheesecake sounds lovely right now."
He looks at Becca, and places a hand on her shoulder.
She visibly relaxes and he smiles.
He seems like he wants to be her Superman, but he can't save her from this. This was way beyond him.
But.
I don't want to fight.
"No worries." I say in disgust. "I can grab the knife. Where is it?" I ask standing.
Chase looks back at me.
"Oh cool. Should be on the counter in the kitchen." Chase says and sits back down, giving up easily.
Becca's eyes are on me. She's not happy.
I ignore her again and head to the kitchen.
I see the knife on the counter instantly, but I take advantage of the few seconds I have.
This is not going well.
I shake my hair, a nervous habit, and rub my face. Then I hear footsteps. I look up in time to see Becca heading towards me.
And she is pissed.
Great.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!" she says instantly.
I look at her incredulously. "Me?" I say. "You're the one who brought up the ring!" I quickly accuse.
"Yeah, MY ring Harry."
I roll my eyes.
"How could you do that? Bring her here wearing it?" she continues on.
"Oh please. It never even made it to your finger because of your own insecure bullshit." I mumble, turning from her.
"My insecure bullshit?" she says offended.
"Yes your bullshit Becca." I say, but I don't want to get into this. This is suppose to be a peaceful dinner.
"Oh I'm sorry. It's kind of hard not to be insecure in your fucked up world. Remember the models and the PR and this rumor and that rumor-"she begins.
"Let that go Becca!" I snap. "You know how I felt about you and you know this job. None of that stuff was important or even real."
"Well I obviously wasn't that important either!" she quickly throws out.
I can feel my face scrunch. We've had this argument many times. It seemed to be on a loop every few months. This time I point out something new.
"Becca, we were together for three years. Obviously I was planning on marrying you....how can you even say that?" I ask her.
"Very easily. You played me Harry!"
"I played you?" I asked stepping towards her. "Who broke up with who Becca?"
"You're right. I did end it the final time. But maybe if you had been there-"
"I was there Becca as much as I could be." I say. I try to remain patient, but it is not easy.
"Bullshit Harry! You prioritize your life the way you want. Everyone has to jump for you all the time. I was always the one coming to Los Angeles or London and-"
I cut her off again. "Your family lives here Becca. Our home was here eventually! Why would I fly all the way to fucking Hamilton, New York or San Diego when it was easier for you to come here?"
"It was easier for you," she boasts. "And I'm not just talking about school. There were a lot of times you-"
I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. "I can't do this." I said cutting her off. "I can't have this same argument with you again."
I look back at her.
"Why do you always do this? Why do you always have to push and push..."
"I don't push Harry, I just speak the truth. It's obvious you can't handle it." she says smugly and I roll my eyes again.
I look at the clock on the wall.
"This was a mistake." I say more to myself than her. "I should have never came here."
"You know Harry you're right...I don't even know why were doing this. We should have never seen each other again!"
Her voice is loud and cuts me.
"I think you're right." I say frustrated. "Things are obviously never going to change." I say looking at her hardwood floor.
"Good! So you and Malibu should leave. Just go."
I look back up at her. I can't believe the nerve of her. Why the hell was she angry with me?
Why does she hate me so much?
"Look, I wasn't the one who initiated all of this! This was your boyfriend's idea to have this damn dinner." I remind her. Plus, she was the one who had brought us to this moment. As always!
"Yeah well it's my idea that you leave." She said callously.
"Fine!" I said throwing my hands up. "You know Becca, this was our problem. You run. You never deal with your own fucked up issues! So this is a shitty night, fine. But you can't run from everything when it gets tough. That's not how life works."
"I'm not running."
"You are the QUEEN of running. You ran from me. You ran from us and our life together. You fucking lifted me up to the highest building and then pushed me off. You shattered me Becca."
Her voice breaks. "Don't blame us on me. You pushed me away first!"
"Becca I was there for you! I was always there for you!" I shout, finally losing patience.
And she has lost it too.
"Get out!" she screams. "Just get the fuck out of my life!"
And before I can react, we are no longer alone.
Chase and Julie face us, as they step in the room, confused.
Becca pushes past them both.
"Get him out of my house Chase. Now!"
And before Chase can throw me out, I grab Julie's hand.
"Get your things. We're leaving."
I can hear Becca rushing upstairs and slam her bedroom door.
I want to scream her name and I want to drag her back down the fucking steps, but we can't do this tonight.
Our conversation is far from over, but it needs to be done in a different setting and it can't be done with them around.
"What's going on?" Julie asks as I pull her back to the living room. "What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it." I grit.
"We need to talk about it Harry. You guys were yelling at each other and-"
I cut her off. "I don't want to talk about it!" I snap. "Get your shit!"
Julie's face hardens and she scoffs. She grabs her purse roughly and walks past me.
Now she's pissed.
I don't even care as she leads the way to the car.
Chase is somewhere close behind us, but I don't even turn to look back at him.
We just open the door and leave.

As we get outside, I feel a chill that I didn't feel before. We take the short walk to my car, and Julie can not get away from me fast enough.
I reach in my back pocket and pull out my key unlocking the car door.
Julie yanks her door open dramatically and climbs in, making a point to ignore me.
I climb in the drivers seat, and start the car.
"You embarrassed me tonight." Julie says crossing her arms.
I turn to her briefly and roll my eyes.
"Yeah well I'll take you back to your place then."
"I don't want to go back to my house!" she barks. "What I want is for you to explain what happened tonight! What the hell was that Harry, you said you were over her!"
Her blue eyes are daggers.
"I am over her!" I shout.
"Didn't look like that to me."
I put my car in reverse and began to back out of the driveway. "Yeah, well I really don't care how it looked to you right now okay?"
My tone could not be more cold but I don't care. Becca has done this to me.
"You're such an asshole." She grumbles. "If you want to be with her-"
"STOP!" I snap finally. "We're done talking about it. You don't get to question me on her!"
She stomps her foot in frustration and throws her purse against my dash but says nothing more.
I reach over and turn the radio up; loudly.
As I drive the half hour to Julie's condo, my mind runs rampant. I hate the effect that Becca has on me. Even now. She drives me crazy and I already know my whole night is thrown off.
As I finally pull into Julie's driveway, she doesn't face me.
She's waiting on an apology and I know I owe her one.
I sigh and turn the music down. I take a deep breath and turn to her. I am finally a little more calm.
"Julie?" I begin but she remains tough. She won't face me.
I turn my body to her and face her.
"I'm sorry." I say.
She still doesn't turn or look at me.
"Look Jules, it's not something you'll want to hear but this is the truth," I pause and she turns to me. I now have her full attention. "There is something about her. There is something that...makes me react. Sometimes, it's good and other times, it's like tonight."
Julie is confused and I can see it on her face. I continue.
"There's a lot you don't know and that's my fault, but Becca and me history; a lot of it. And..." I pause again.
"Do you still love her?" she asks, getting to the main point. "Because its been two years and you told me you were over her...yet, the minute this dinner is proposed, you jump at the chance like you can't wait to see her and then tonight..." she trails off, shaking her head in disappointment.
I turn from her and grip the steering wheel. She is right.
She is completely right.
I don't want to think about that or talk about it anymore.
I clear my throat and ask a different question instead.
"Do you love me?" I ask not looking at her.
"Completely." She says and I turn to her.
And I know she is not lying.
Its all in her eyes. She pretty much worships the ground I walk on.
I give a small smile.
I answer her and give her what she wants. The answer that will make her happy.
"No. I don't love her. It's just complicated."
Julie smiles and reaches over and kisses me. She smells sweet and makes the car smell like candy.
Her hand finds mine again.
"Come on, let's go inside." She says seductively when she pulls away.
She gathers her things and I turn the car off.
She winks at me and licks her lips before climbing out of the car and for a second, I just stay there, frozen. And I know why.
I lied.
It is the reason I agreed to this dinner and seeing her one last time.
Trust is, I did still love Becca.
Honestly I had never stopped.

Notes