All Again

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Harry

Now.

I watch her silhouette through my rearview mirror as I pull away.
Becca watches me.
I can't count how many times we've been in this same position.
It has often alternated between us; sometimes I say goodbye, sometimes it is her, but we always came back together until that final goodbye two years ago.
Something is different this time though. Instead of goodbye, I feel something else.
As I turn off her street, there is an unsettled feeling rising in me.
I don't think we're suppose to be done with each other yet.
Not this time.
Though honestly at this point, I don't think I can be.
As I grip my steering wheel and head into downtown Los Angeles, she remains on my mind.
I wonder briefly if this is how it will always be.
Since our split, I can admit I have constantly rewound our memories together, playing back some moments more than others.
I miss her.
I don't just miss our friendship.
I don't just miss the intimacy.
I don't just miss our talks.
I don't just miss our bond and the easiness between us- the way everything seemed to fall together naturally-all the time.
No, I just miss her.
I miss being around her and watching her.
I miss hearing her laugh and watching her nostrils flare when she was pissed off.
I miss waking up to those beautiful eyes, and the smell of her perfume on my pillows.
I miss her touch and the feel of her skin beneath mine.
And man, do I miss the feel of her skin beneath mine.
I think back to the first time in Hong Kong.
That whole day had just been chaos.
From the moment I left the hotel, I had been thrust into meeting after meeting and then rehearsal with our vocal coach Helene to decide how covers would be split up. Zayn and his voice was a huge part of our group and we needed to decide who would take over his vocals.
The discussions and meetings were so intense, that we needed to turn our phone off for the day.
I knew that Becca would sit in the hotel alone all day, probably bored and I texted my sister before I turned my phone off. I knew she was planning on doing some sight-seeing and asked her to have Becca join her.
She did, sending me a confirmation text and I relaxed a bit.
If she was occupied, I wouldn't worry so much about her. I already felt bad about the fact that I hadn't taken her sight-seeing as much as I had wanted.
Since this was the first country-outside of North America- that she had seen, I wanted it to be memorable for her.
Still, despite my focus being on the band, my mind drifted to her often.
I was really starting to like her.
She was fun and laid back and I didn't have to force things with her.
Our rapport came naturally.
When me and the guys finally made it back to the hotel around six, the first thing I did was look for her but she was gone.
I sent her a quick text and discovered she was at dinner.
She assured me she would only be an hour and I was okay with the wait.
To relieve some of the stress of the day, some of the guys decided to take on a game of football (soccer) in the hall and that was where she found me.
I hadn't even known she was back or saw her come onto the floor until my sister called my name.
As I turned, Becca was the first thing I saw.
Immediately I noticed the makeup and the sleek straight hair.
She didn't look beautiful. She looked noxious.
I had immediate tunnel vision, and she was at the end of it.
When she approached me she had smiled.
Lottie and Gemma surrounded us, but the majority of my attention was on her and getting her somewhere alone.
So the moment I sensed a distraction, I called out the 'tired' excuse, and pulled her away as quickly as possible.
We headed into my hotel room and I had to have her.
I didn't care if we were moving too fast or if it was too soon, I just knew I couldn't let her leave the next day without it happening.
Becca was good in bed but I didn't have too many doubts that she wouldn't be.By that time, she had already showcased some pretty good skills with her mouth.
Still, I don't think I expected the sex to be as good as it was, because it was quite amazing.
Though as I would come to know, sex with her, always would be.
I played with her that night, rubbing, sucking, teasing...all the while, loving every noise she made.
We had sex three or four times that night, switching and trying different positions, feeling and learning what each other liked.
I loved the way she responded to me and I loved the way I responded to her.
I remember after, just laying there in our post coital bliss, our fingers mildly stroking and tracing pieces of our each others bodies and just being in awe of how great it was.
There was a comfort with her that I was getting use too, and I knew if things didn't go horrendously wrong, she could be around for a while- at least through the summer.
My phone buzzes and pulls me from my thoughts.
I'm back in the present.
Pulling out my phone, I see it is Julie calling me.
Reluctantly I answer.
"Where are you?" she says immediately. No hello, no introduction- just where are you.
I'm already expected to jump for her.
"I'm on my way." I reassure her with a small sigh. "I'm in the car."
"Well I've been waiting thirty minutes babe and-"
I cut her off. "I'm going as fast as I can Julie."
She has called me at least five times today and her impatience is starting to annoy me.
She sighs too, and relaxes her tone. "Alright. Well drive safe at least."
"I always do. I'll see you soon." I say. My voice is even, but short. I don't have time for prolonged conversations, especially since I will see her in less than an hour.
"Okay, I love you." she says reading my tone.
It turns my stomach and I pause on my usual 'Love you too' response.
I don't know if its because I don't want to hear it, or because I've spent the last two hours with Becca; either way, I don't say it back.
"I'll see you soon." I say again quickly and hang up the phone.
There is no guilt, just uneasiness.
Becca is on my mind again.
She fills the passenger seat, the backseats, the trunk...she is everywhere around me.
I turn on the radio to drown out my thoughts but it is useless. Thoughts of Thailand, and Hong Kong swirl around.
Thoughts of today and the way we left things, sit at the forefront.
I need to see her again.
When can I see her again?
With my schedule, I am already contemplating when I can get away. I want to finish what we started, even though this ending terrifies me.
I realize we haven't really accomplished anything in the last two days that we've seen each other and are no closer to having the 'closure' that we agreed on.
But...I suddenly wonder if I can live without it.
Could I marry Julie knowing where I still stand with Becca?
Could I marry Julie with all the what if questions I still have?
I don't think I can.
The problem is I'm in love with both of them and I don't think you're suppose to enter a marriage with that kind of weight on your shoulders.
So when I reach a stoplight, I grab my cell phone and scroll to my messages. I find Becca's alias name and begin to compose a small message. It is direct and straight to the point.
*I need to see you again.*
She texts back instantly, as if she was waiting on the text.
*I do too. When?*
I immediately smile and text her back quickly.
*Julie leaves out of town tonight. So maybe same time tomorrow?*
*Fine. I can make it work. See you at my place.* she responds less than a minute later. I'm happy she's as eager to see me, as I am her.
*Actually, let's do my place instead.* I suggest.
I felt like I was suffocating in there. There were too many traces of her new life with Chase and the life she doesn't have with me.
*Fine. Where do you live?*
*Come to our old condo*
She doesn't text back right away and I know why.
I was suppose to get rid of that place.
But I couldn't.
It holds too many memories for me.
As I begin to drive again, I await her reply. Twenty minutes later, I get a simple, *Fine*
But I know it is not and I get that stirring feeling that tomorrow is going to go worst then today. I've probably already pissed her off again.
*See you then* I reply, keeping the conversation neutral. I want to text more, but it's not appropriate for where we stand and the restaurant is now in front of me.
I valet my car, grab my wallet and phone, and enter the restaurant.
It is just past noon and the place is packed.
Despite this, I quickly find Julie in the sea of people. Her professionally done hair stands out among the crowd.
She looks like usual. From the distance I can see there is not one hair out of place. She is, as always, perfectly done up.
As I approach her, she looks up and smiles at me.
"Baby!" she squeals. "You made it."
The level of her tone, makes a few patrons turn, but I know it is done on purpose. Julie likes attention.
She stands and I give her a quick kiss before sitting.
She looks nice. She is wearing a nice blouse that is tucked in a skirt, with a pair of four or five inch high heels.
She reminds me of a lawyer on her way to trial.
She smiles back at me, but honestly, she's always smiling. Her nickname should be sunshine.
As I look at her, I am quickly reminded of Becca's nickname for her and smile. Though I scolded Becca for misusing her name, it didn't really bother me.
What bothered me, was that she was saying it to piss me off.
As always.
"I was starting to think you weren't going to make it." Julie says as she faces me. Her blue eyes are outlined with dark eyeliner and she is wearing false lashes. Her skin sparkles with whatever glitter lotion she has put on, and she smells like the perfume Pink Sugar.
My fiancé is stunning and stands out in the crowd, but today...I don't really care.
"Traffic." I say simply.
On my side of the table is a glass of water, and an appetizer of salad.
"I ordered for you." she quickly explains.
"Thanks."
I don't really have an appetite. To be honest, food is the last thing on my mind.
I shift in my seat and settle back.
Her eyes remain on me, warm and inviting.
"So you left pretty early this morning?" she begins.
"I had a few errands to run." I say looking around the restaurant. It is a place to be seen and I catch eyes with a few people who are staring at us--or at Julie.
Since we've met, I haven't been oblivious to the way that men look at her.
Before I came along, I was well aware of her history of 'handsome' suitors.
With her body and that face, she was one most of the industry wanted.
As they study us- the supposed perfect couple-I wonder what they think.
As their eyes trail over her, they always look at me next...their competition.
I had my own history of beautiful women, and I was use to the curiosity of my personal relationships. With Becca, the interest seemed to be heightened, and everyone was curious abour our intimate relationship.
How did we meet?
How did we fall in love?
How was I interested in someone non-famous like her?
Now, I can't help but to wonder.
Do me and Julie look happy?
Do we look like the perfect couple as we betray, but aren't?
Coincidentally we do the press thing all the time. Red carpets and photo ops outside of popular restaurants; the occasional flirty messages exchanged over social media.
It is all very public, and all very not me.
I prefer my romances more quiet and reserved. What I share with one, I shouldn't share with thousands, but it's good PR for both of us and it helps.
With Becca, I had complete privacy, but only for about a year and a half, until all the bullshit crept in.
The moment the world found out about us, there went her privacy and the exclusivity that we shared. The walls that we built crumbled a bit every time she was followed or stalked by the paparazzi or my fans. Girls would flood her social media accounts and comment on everything she did.
People would bother her family, and suddenly everything she did, became attached to me in some way.
She was no longer Becca Johnson, the ivy league graduate rising in the world. But Becca- Harry Styles girlfriend, or ½ of Hecca- the name we became known by.
And when I went solo; forget it.
The press didn't seem to like her.
My professional image of fancy suits and designer labels was a deep contrast from the natural look she sported.
She was too normal or too 'plain' as one magazine quoted.
Becca was an all American girl who drove a Toyota Camry and was papped in sweatshirts and buns when we dated.
I loved her for it, but the hate made it hard for her to fit in my world. She never felt like she was enough or who I was suppose to be with, and once that crept in, it sucked our relationship dry.
It all started going downhill the minute my first single came out.
Now with Julie, I supposedly have an equal.
Supposedly Julie St. Clair is the girl Harry Styles belongs with.
Truthfully, we don't like the same music.
We don't have the same hobbies.
Where I am frugal, she is rich.
When I am humble, she is egotistical.
I look back at her. By now, she has begun to pull things out of her purse.
"So honey, we need to finalize a venue." she says, pulling out sheets of paper and blown up pictures.
I sigh, and don't lift from my position on the seat.
As always, she wants to talk about our upcoming wedding plans.
"Jules, do we have to do this today? Can't we just relax and eat?"'
"No." she says. "Harry we need to finalize this step."
"Why?" I ask.
"Because I'm going to be gone for two weeks, Brenda needs-"
I immediately dismiss my hand. I don't care what Brenda Sapp needs. She gets on my damn nerves. I don't even know why she is planning this stupid wedding and we trust this woman so much anyway. We hardly know her.
Because she's the best in the business....I hear Julie's tone say in the back of my mind and I want to please her. If Julie wants the moon, I'll lasso it for her, but I'm tired of the back and forth with this other woman. It's been ongoing for weeks.
"Look, whose wedding is this? Ours." I reassure Julie. "She should be working to please us, not the other way around."
Julie sighs back at me impatiently. "Harry these things don't happen overnight. She needs ideas and information from us, to work for us."
"I don't understand the issue." I say. "Every time we talk about this lately, it seems like the list is getting bigger, or there is more shit to do. I don't have time for this hun. I have to go back on tour soon. I'm booked solid right now."
"That's why I'm trying to get everything done now. This way, you'll have your tour, your other promotional gigs and then the wedding. After that, you can have that extended break that Jeff promised."
I shake my head in discontent and pick at my cobb salad.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not in the mood for this today. I have a lot on my mind."
"You don't have to do much, just look at the pictures and pick which one you like the most." she offers softly.
I look back up at Julie's innocent eyes and give in.
Those blue beautiful oceans can make me do most things.
Relenting, I gesture for her to hand me the pictures.
She does and gives a small squeal and clap, happy that she has got her way.
It gets a brief smile out of me, until the pictures are in my hand. There are at least ten different ones.
"These are the possible venues?" I question, lifting my eyes.
She nods yes.
"They are where we talked about. Here. London. Paris...I've picked out three for each place, so we have options."
My hands immediately go to my head and I rub my eyes.
Julie chuckles across from me.
"Don't." she scolds playfully. "You told me I could have options."
I temporarily place the pictures down and look at her. I smile widely and turn the charm on high.
She seems to like my dimpled smile and it's good at distracting her.
"Yeah but honey...don't you just want to go away? I mean...away from everyone. Just me and you, and our family. Let's just get married on a beach somewhere or in our parents house. It could be small and intimate. All this lavish stuff can be for a later anniversary...how does that sound?"
"My mom would kill me if we have a small wedding. I'm their only daughter, and they have been waiting for this."
I hold back an eye roll. I don't doubt it. The St. Clair's are the snottiest people I have ever met but I love their daughter. The little piece of perfection that sits across from me is the only reason I haven't ran far away from them.
Somehow, and I'm still not sure how it happened, they actually made a decently kind person.
I pick up the pictures and scan through them. Each place more grandiose as I flip.
"These are not my style." I determine.
"Well what do you want?" Julie asks. "You never give me anything to work with."
I shrug. As I have said, I'm not in the mood for this today and cannot supply any answers.
We are briefly interrupted as the waiter finally comes over, asking for my order, and I tell him I need more time.
Julie moves on. She begins to talk about her morning, and her upcoming trip.
I listen, but don't really respond. After a few minutes, she pauses.
"You're quiet." she says suddenly.
I take a bite of the salad she has ordered me.
"I'm just tired." I say.
"You should be." she says and gives me a seductive wink. The same she gave me in the car last night.
I am briefly reminded of the sex we shared the night before, but I don't get excited. Last night it wasn't enjoyable for me.
It was actually a little scary.
The whole time, I kept forcing myself to not think.
As Julie laid on top of me, peppering me with her glossy kisses, I kept seeing Becca and wishing it was her.
This is not suppose to be my life...played on a reel in the back of mind.
The whole thing was terrifying. I saw Becca's face and I heard her moans.
I came, only because I imagined I was inside of Becca again.
I knew it then.
Becca was creeping in like before, overtaking my life and blocking any other person I might fall for. Julie had broke through the wall before, but now I was starting to think it was all a lie. Becca had probably been there the whole time waiting behind the corner, ready to strike and drag me down at the right moment. Maybe now was that moment.
I chew my salad, but it is not good. It is missing something.
Taking a quick sip of water, I focus back on her.
"What time is your flight?" I ask.
"Eight."
I quickly calculate that we have seven more hours together until she heads to Bora Bora.
I then have fifteen hours until I see Becca again.
It seems too long.
"Have you called Jeff? About tonight?" she asks.
I just nod. He is my best friend and he is coming over for drinks; realistically it is just so we can talk about Becca and the night before. He was there from the beginning, and he is the reason I am in this mess again.
He is the link that ties me and Chase together. At one of Jeff's dinner gatherings, I met Chase Collins, bonded with him over the hors d'oeuvres and even thought he was a decent guy, until he dropped the bombshell on me that he was dating Becca.
My Becca.
Jeff hadn't liked me much that day. I had cussed his ass out for not telling me sooner he had a link back to Becca. He was one of my closest confidantes and he knew how I still felt about her. That fact that he had hid her had almost ended our friendship that night, one month ago.
"Give him my love." Julie says warmly.
"I will." I say, picking up my menu. For some reason she and Jeff have this warm relationship. He had pushed me towards her from the moment they were introduced. He is the one who encouraged me to propose.
He is also the one who encouraged me to stay far away from Chase and Becca and to not go to dinner with them.
I guess sometimes I don't listen well.
I look at the menu.
As I browse my options of Steaks, Lobsters, Pasta's and Lamb chops, nothing stands out. This place is much too fancy for lunch and it is not what I'm in the mood for.
I realize the irony.
It is just like my life.
I want something I can't exactly have.
Julie begins again, talking more about her trip and the models who will join her. Coincidentally my ex Nadine Leopold will be there as well but I haven't spoken to her in years.
"I'm going to really miss you." Julie purrs. "I feel like we haven't had much time together lately."
I totally disagree. There has been too much time together.
"Well absence makes the heart grow fonder right?" I say inattentively still studying the menu.
There is absolutely nothing for me to order.
She smiles and nods. "Absolutely."
I am not really talking about her, or even us. My thoughts are moved once more to Becca.
She would hate this place. If she were here, we would laugh at the uptightness of the patrons and staff and she would share my pain.
We hated places like this.
As the waiter comes over and takes Julie's order of French Onion Soup, I pull him to the side.
"Do you guys make a club sandwich? Something simple like that?"
The waiter looks back at me in confusion as if I've suggested something with three heads. However, I can tell he recognizes me, and I will get my way.
"I'll see what I can do." he says softly.
I pat his back as a thank you and he shuffles off.
"A club sandwich? Really Harry?"
I shrug. "It's what I want."
"Then we could have went somewhere else."
"We should have. Why did you pick this place anyway?" I ask shifting in my seat.
I still feel various eyes on us in this room.
She shuffles her hair and looks away. "I like this place."
She waves at someone in the distance and I don't even turn to see who it is.
Probably some socialite or celebrity...
I look down at my appetizer salad. I can't even pretend to eat it to pass time because it's so disgusting. It is a waste of eighteen dollars.
I decide to make my own small talk with Julie when she beats me to the punch. Though, it is not something or someone I want to discuss openly.
"So...have you spoken to Becca?" she asks suddenly.
My eyes move to meet hers and I pause.
Her blue eyes are locked on me and I have her full attention.
I shift again.
"My Becca?" I ask slowly.
"Becca." she emphasizes. "Johnson."
Her tone is clipped, and I know she doesn't like the word 'my'. I guess she doesn't like the possessiveness of my words.
I don't do it intentionally, but I can't help it. Like I said earlier, I only know her as two things; the love of my life, or the biggest fucking thorn in my side.
The grey area we sit in now can't help but to spill in either side.
I sigh, running a hand through my hair.
"Sorry," I say, though I don't know why I'm apologizing. "And no." I say. "I don't have her number."
Lie.
"Oh." she says.
Her tone is unreadable.
Why is she asking me? Does she know something?
Did she hear her after all when I was at her house?
"Why would I call her?" I ask quickly for clarification.
She shrugs. "I don't know. I guess you wouldn't after last night. It ended kind of rough." Then she chuckles. "I don't get it though."
"Get what?" I ask slightly defensive.
"You and her. Why does she make you so upset?"
Because she drives me fucking insane.
Because she knows I use to worship the ground she walked on.
Because she walked away from me; more than once.
Because I still love her.
Because she's his.
"It's complicated." I say simply.
"Well she and Chase seem really happy. He's a nice guy. He seems really good for her."
I turn away from her. I know what she is doing. It's not hard to read through her jealously.
"She seems like she doesn't fit him though. Like at all. "
I completely agree.
I chuckle.
"Saw that too huh?" I ask.
"Yeah. He's like this super successful guy, right? You can tell he's very put together. I mean, look at him... and then you have Becca, and well she...she's so-"
She pauses her thoughts, thinking of the words she wants to say next.
I, however, am no longer going along with this conversation.
I instantly cut my eyes at her, daring her to say she's plain, or something negative.
I can't wait to tell her how wrong she is.
If he's the moon, then Becca is the fucking sun.
He's the one who doesn't deserve her.
Julie catches the pierce of my stare and she quickly changes whatever she was going to say.
"Different from him." she finally says. "She just seems like she's more laid back and he's more sure of himself--"
"Like us?" I question, grabbing my water and taking a sip.
She blinks.
Once.
Twice.
Then a few times, comprehending what I'm hinting at. Then, her face pulls into slight disgust.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"Nothing." I say keeping my tone light. "He just seems like he would be your type. Ya know, clean cut...professional. I imagine we don't look like we belong either."
"No, you're my type." she argues. "Just you."
Yeah...I don't think so. Her family has yet to come to any of my shows and I've seen her exes. It's a deep contrast.
I don't respond.
I take another sip of water.
"So is it over?" she asks continuing on.
"Is what over?"
"The thing. The reason you needed to meet." she said.
"Have your questions been answered finally?"
My eyes move across the restaurant, but I don't take in anything. It is all a blur and I don't memorize one face.
I'm thinking...
I don't think my questions will ever be answered.
I will never understand how me and Becca got to this place.
Because Becca is insecure and you're stubborn...
I clear my throat.
Suddenly I am uncomfortable. Becca is on my mind, but it feels strange discussing her with Julie.
"I guess." I say finally in response to her previous question.
"Good." Julie says and her hands find mine on the table. She rubs her manicured tips over mine. "I don't really like you seeing her." she says softly. "Can you promise me you won't?"
"I haven't been." I say. "Last night was the first time in two years."
"I know." she says. "But I just don't want you too. I know you and Jeff are friends with Chase, and you may see her...just...please...promise me, you'll leave that alone?"
Her tone is soft like her and sickeningly sweet.
"Why?"
"Because she's your first love Harry." she says.
I smile back at her.
"What does that mean?"
She pulls her hands off of mine.
"You know what that means Harry. You guys lived together and had matching tattoos. She meant something to you."
"Yeah so? Do you think she's going to replace you or something?" I ask.
She scoffs so loud she practically snorts.
"Of course not. That's the last thing I'm worried about."
"Then what's the problem?" I ask.
She looks back at me. The ocean blues begin waves.
"Why are you debating me on this," and then she lowers her voice and leans in, "Do you want to see her again?"
I just shrug.
"I haven't said whether I do or don't, but it obviously bothers you and I want to know why."
"How would you feel if I started hanging out with my ex?"
"Un-threatened because that's just it. They are your ex. Why would that bother me?"
"So you are going to see her again?" she asks reading between my words.
"Maybe." I say honestly, purposely omitting our scheduled run in tomorrow. "I don't know what's going to happen."
"But I don't understand it." she says.
"And you never will." I say honestly. "I've told you, Becca is a complicated subject."
"No, I don't understand why you would see her, if I asked you not too." she says in frustration.
I shut up. I run a hand through my hair.
This is becoming a argument and I don't want a ruined mood.
I've had enough of the back and forth with Becca today.
I remember the day in quick snapshots; her high ponytail, the bedroom argument, the camera she tried to return...her stalling with the tea.
It makes me chuckle even now. It tickles me that she still thinks I can't read her.
"What's funny?" I suddenly hear.
I look up at Julie who is looking at me in confusion.
"Nothing." I say quickly. "Let's just eat okay?"
An hour later, we are both full and leave in my car.
Julie hates California traffic so most times she has a driver take her everywhere. Today, she knew she was going with me, so the driver has long left.
It is the main reason I needed to leave Becca's and meet her. I couldn't exactly leave her stranded at some restaurant, waiting on me.
In the car, she turns on the air conditioning, and hits a button turning on her favorite country station.
"No. Not today." I say quickly. I can't stand some of the newer country music. I would prefer Fleetwood Mac and Patsy Cline all day.
"Oh come on, last night we listened to your stations."
"This is my car." I argue with a smile.
Her hand goes to my lap and she squeezes my thigh. "Our car. You need to get use to that idea Styles."
"Yeah, yeah." I say jokingly wrapping her hand in mine.
She smiles back at me and sings along to the radio, taunting me.
"Um...when does your flight leave again?" I tease and she slaps my chest.
We playfully banter on the way to her house.
When we enter, her cat runs up to her.
"Fuzzy!" she squeals and scoops him up.
She sprinkles him in kisses and then plops down on her couch, kissing him and playing.
I check my phone and go to her kitchen.
I've missed a few text messages and I have a new Instagram notification.
Instagram: BeccaPenelope just posted a photo.
I instantly click the link to Becca's private Instagram. I still follow it.
I expect to see a picture of her, but am surprised when I see a quote,
Don't stress the could have's, if it should have, it would have...
It was posted ten minutes ago.
I reread the message, once, twice, and then a third time.
It is about us. I know it is.
Though it probably shouldn't, it instantly pisses me off.
I log into my public Twitter account, and leave a public reply message.
She no longer follows me, but maybe on occasion she checks up on me, like I do her.
I send a quick, cryptic response.
If I could, I would.
It is a simple, and says everything.
Then I set my phone down.
There are no should have's and could have's with Becca and it pisses me off that she thinks that.
Honestly we could still be together. By now, we could be married and expecting a child.. but it's her. It's always been her and her insecurities.
"Do you want anything?" I call from the kitchen to Julie who is still on the couch.
"You." she calls from the couch and I smile.
Her voice is light and playful.
I go back over to her.
She pushes Fuzzy off the couch, and places her hands around my belt loops. She pulls me to her.
I smile down at her as my hands gets lost in her soft hair.
She kisses my stomach, just below my belly button.
"Two weeks..." she groans. "I don't know how I'm going to deal. I've grown quite fond of this body."
"I'll send naughty pictures." I tease.
"You better." she scolds.
I bend and kiss her glossed lips.
I am going to miss her, but I am looking forward to the space.
Julie has been spending the night with me everyday recently.
I am looking forward to having my own bed and my own time again.
Despite the fact that we live in separate homes, it seems we spend more time together than apart.
Eventually she pulls me down on the couch, and let's her mouth and hands show me how much she will miss me.
This time, unlike the night before, is nice for me.
I actually focus on her, and allow myself to enjoy the moment with her.
It is a slightly comforting feeling.
She is mine and I am hers.
I will be the last man to touch her and she will be the only woman to please me in the future.
We have a whole lifetime ahead of us and for now, I know that I won't grow tired of her anytime soon.
As we laugh and play, I'm reminded that this could really work.
Maybe, just maybe she could be enough.
I stand and button my pants, and help her up minutes later. Her skirt which I have hiked up, is slightly wrinkled but she doesn't seem to mind.
She reaches for my hand.
"Will you help me pack?"
I nod yes, and follow her to her bedroom.
It is open concept with lots of windows and the sun highlights the bed.
"Will you grab my suitcase?" she asks sweetly.
I move past her and pull her suitcase out of the back closet. It is heavy.
Because we are always on the go, we keep a bag pre-packed.
"What else do you need me to do?" I ask, sitting on her bed.
"Hold on." she says unbuttoning her shirt. "Let me change my clothes."
She moves away from me and goes into her bathroom. I can hear her shuffling around.
I look straight ahead at her TV and contemplate turning it on, until I remember the message on Becca's Instagram and my tweet.
I hop up and go back downstairs and retrieve my phone.
I refresh her Instagram and don't see anything. She probably hasn't seen my tweet and even if she has, it was more than likely not for me.
I don't know why I tell myself she thinks of me, the way I think of her. It's obvious our history doesn't affect her, the way it affects me.
I head back upstairs and send quick texts to friends.
By now, Julie has hopped in the shower and I sit waiting for her to come out.
I already know I'm expected to help her pack.
I scroll through more things until I find my way back to my Twitter. I check my feed, and then I see it.
Suddenly Becca's old Twitter name and mine are being mentioned, together.

I'm screaming!!! @BeccaPenelope94. @Harry_Styles. Do you see this?

OMG @BeccaPenelope94 and @Harry_Styles. Hecca is still real!

@BeccaPenelope94 what are you doing? @Harry_Styles is over you! GTFOI!

Me encanta @Harry_Styles, @BeccaPenelope94, juntos!

@Harry_Styles your beard is back. @BeccaPenelope94 must need a job again.

Hecca is rising. Again!! @BeccaPenelope94 @Harry_Styles. Please get back together!!!!!

@BeccaPenelope94 and @Harry_Styles really do never go out of style. #Heccaforever

There are many, many more.
What the hell have I missed?
I quickly click on Becca's old Twitter that she doesn't tweet from anymore (since it is linked). After, 'Hecca' began, it became flooded with comments that she hated to read. She used a private one now, but I didn't know it. I only had the Instagram.
I see the tweet.
I read the tweet.
I internalize the tweet.
It is her first tweet on this account in two years.
Two. Years.
A slow smile crosses my face.
She actually responded to me.
She actually responded to me on her old Twitter that she knew all of my fans would see.
She actually responded to me on her old Twitter that she knew all of my fans would see, and then wrote that.
In defiance, and what I'm sincerely hoping is something else, she has wrote:
Tell me with your mind, body and spirit.
It is a lyric from Over Again, a song I had with One Direction.
My smile stays impossibly wide.
I had wrote, If I could, I would...and she has wrote this.
I don't know what it means, but it means something.
She has responded to me in her own little way and more importantly, she didn't hide it. She knew exactly what she was doing when she posted it there--she was making sure I would see it.
I look at the clock. I have twenty more hours until I will see her.
Now, even more, I can't wait to see her again.
My hands hover over my phone. I want so badly to tweet her back, or text her.
In the distance, I can hear Julie's water turn off, and I know I don't have time.
Soon Julie will be in this space, and my focus will have to remain on her.
Still, it is there again.
Becca is taking over once more.
The last few hours have been this push-pull.
Becca. Julie. Becca. Julie.
I don't know who is going to win, but I know after tomorrow, I will be one step closer to knowing.
And I can't wait.

Notes

So...who wants another one? :)

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate!