All Again

PART ONE: Who We Are

CHAPTER ONE
BECCA
Now.

My hands are shaking.
I'm not cold or scared, but I am nervous as hell.
"Fuck." I mutter, as I finally drop the sugar I've been measuring for two minutes.
"What happened?" I hear called behind me.
"Nothing." I say quickly, scooping the now spilt sugar into the palm of my hands.
It was official.
I wasn't going to make it through this.
This was a mistake.
I feel a presence move behind me and seconds later, a small chuckle.
"You alright there?"
I sigh, turning to Chase; my beau of eleven months.
His warm brown eyes meet mine.
Those beautiful brown eyes.
Normally by now I would be feeling a shiver or some slight stirring in my belly from seeing him and peering into chestnut orbs-but not tonight.
I bite my lip and put on my best smile.
"I'm great."
But I wasn't. And my voice didn't sound too confident either.
I move past him, throwing the small specks of sugar in the sink.
Why the hell did I agree to this?
"You know, I don't think you even need to make the dessert.” I hear Chase say behind me. “They might not even stay that long."
But I did.
It was his favorite.
The ex.
Harry.
I shuffle my hands together one last time, losing the invisible remnants. I turn back to Chase.
"Well you never know."
Chase smiles those perfectly white teeth at me and reaches out his arms.
I go to him and his spicy cologne fills my nostrils. He kisses my forehead tenderly.
"It's going to be fine."
I feel his hands rub my back in encouragement.
"I know it's been two years, but you guys have been okay for awhile."
Our definition of okay obviously differed.
He continues. "You guys have both moved on and our continuing on with your lives. It's not going to be that bad."
I pull back and stare at him.
Oh I hope so.
He was being unbelieving understanding; or maybe incredibly naive.
I give him a reassured smile, or is it pity?
Chase doesn't know the fire that burns between us.
After all, he had never seen me and Harry together. He didn't understand what sat under the surface.
He caresses my cheek and lets me go.
"I'm going to head upstairs, finish up. I think we have some time."
I glance past him at the clock. It was 6:13pm. I have exactly forty-seven minutes until they would get here.
Or maybe it was really thirty-five. He was always known for being prompt.
'Always be fifteen minutes early if you can' had been his mantra then.
"Cool." I say, my eyes giving Chase a quick acknowledgement. I turn back to the dessert- strawberry cheesecake. Or, better yet, strawberry mess since I couldn't focus.
Dinner was pretty much done thankfully and warming in the oven. Chase, with his lovely self, had already set the table and put everything out for me.
I just need to finish.
I take a deep breath, counting to ten, and dig back in.
By 6:46pm, I am finished and headed for the bathroom to finish up.
I can hear Chase rustling around in our shared bedroom of a month.
What the hell was he doing?
He was already dressed; a casual button up with jeans and he didn't require much maintenance. I had to admit, he was a very well put together man.
Me on the other end...
I shut the bathroom door and took in my appearance. What did you wear for these kinds of things?
I was quite sure my white blouse with jeans was boring but I couldn't exactly dress up for my ex-boyfriend and his new girl.
Oh yes, her.
The Barbie doll Julie with the heavy makeup and blond beachy waves.
I shouldn't judge since I had never met her, but the pictures I had seen spoke volumes. She was a model- as most were- and seemed to be the ditsiest of them all.
I grab my brush, pushing it through my lifeless hair.
It figured.
I had spent hours curling it the night before (for the naturally wavy look, of course) only to have the hair flat now. Thankfully my brown hair was dyed a light brown for the summer so that was something.
Maybe my slight mascara and gently lacquered lips would be enough.
It didn't matter.
It shouldn't matter.
After tonight, I wouldn't have to see him ever again.
This was closure.
I give myself one final glance, smooth my clothing and then give up.
Chase meets me in the hallway.
As I take in his appearance-that hasn't changed- I look at him in confusion.
"What were you doing?"
"Sorry. Business call."
He worked in a Public Relations firm as a Public Affairs Specialist. It was how we had met.
"Ah. Who is it this time?" I ask beginning to take the stairs. "What new Hollywood scandal is brewing?"
He chuckles, following behind me.
"Actually you'll be surprised."
"Really? Why?" I ask looking back at him.
But.
Then the doorbell rings.
They're here! Shit. No.
NO.
I'm not ready.
This is a bad idea, this is a bad idea, this is a bad idea...
I must have a look of terror, because Chase smiles and rubs my back again.
"I'll get it."
I feel myself nod in response, but I can't move the rest of my body. My eyes are frozen on the door.
"It's going to be fine." he says once more, taking two steps at a time until finally hitting the floor with a thud. "You two need this."
I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this.
Chase smoothes his already perfect short brown hair back, and opens the door.
And then he was here. My Harry.
"Hey you guys made it!" I hear Chase say, but I can't see him anymore. I can't see anyone but Harry.
His brown curly hair is short again. When we had dated, it had been long and resting comfortably on his shoulders and then eventually past.
He has on his signature black pants and a casual printed shirt, probably Gucci or Yves Saint Laurent, and his forest green eyes are focused solely on my boyfriend.
The popstar is still alive before me.
"Yeah sorry, we tried to get here sooner."
My ears fill with the thick warm British accent of Harry, and the room suddenly feels a little richer.
"No problem." I hear. My boyfriend's American accent, polite and inviting. "Hey, how are you?"
He must be talking to Barbie now, but I don't glance because right at that moment, Harry's eyes venture past Chase and up and then, they find me.
And I fall.
At least, what feels like falling; hard.
I smile slowly, awkwardly and expel the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.
He grins back, a small dimple forming- but it is brief because I hear my name called.
I blink. Once. Twice. And turn to Chase.
"Becca?" Chase calls again. Everyone is looking at me now, and I realize I am still standing on the steps, peering down at them like an idiot.
I move quickly, praying I don't trip down the stairs.
As I reach the bottom, Chase meets me and pulls me to the doorway.
I see Harry. I smell Harry. I hear Harry.
"Becca." he says. "Hi."
"Hi." I say back, but my voice is foreign and rushed. I want to hug him at least one more time, but I don't think it's appropriate. "How are you?" I ask.
This time, a full grin forms and I want to die. That fucking dimple still has a small spell on me. His hand finds his lip and he pulls gently. "Can we come in?"
"Oh of course!" Chase says beside me, and breaks from me to usher them in; but I am stuck on the 'we'. My eyes travel past him and I finally take in Barbie.
I'm surprised to see her eyes are already on me.
"Hi!" she says cheerily. I'm further surprised when she pulls me into a hug.
She smells like bubblegum. Like a child.
"Hi." I mumble.
"I'm Julie." she says as we pull apart.
"Becca." I say.
The introductions seem ridiculous. As I look at her, I can feel Harry and Chase' eyes on us, examining how we take each other in. Chase and Harry have already met and are the ones who decided on this dinner.
The shared industry and passing of friends, has made our worlds collide again.
"You have a lovely home!" the Barbie says sweetly, breaking the contact to look around.
I follow her eyes to see what she sees, but my eyes stop at Harry.
He is still looking at me.
Before my mind can grasp, he has moved towards me, and pulls me into a hug.
His scent is still the same, and my body-though I hate it- molds into his perfectly like before. It feels like home but I know it's not.
Our home burned down a long time ago.
"I'm good. You?" I hear whispered into my ear, and I pull away slightly.
Huh?
Our eyes meet with our faces only inches apart.
"You asked me how I was." he reminds me with a small grin.
Oh yes. The peppermint on his breath has me forgetting things.
"So Harry! You guys hungry?"
We both turn to Chase and Julie, who are both looking at us.
The cheer on Julie's face has dimmed a little.
Harry instantly lets me go, and though the house is warm and comfortable, I feel a small chill hit me as he pulls away.
"Yeah. Definitely." he says, focusing solely on Chase.
"Cool. Well allow us to give you the tour first." Chase says, moving to me. He reaches for my hand and I take it. As his spicy cologne fills my nostrils again, I am reminded of what is going on and why we are all here. The Harry spell is partially broken.
"Yeah uh," I say clearing my throat. "Follow us."
I put on an inviting smile and turn to lead the way with Chase's hand entwined with mine.
Bubblegum Barbie mumbles 'awesome' behind me and Harry remains quiet.
I wonder what he is thinking. It has been so long since we have seen each other.
Two years exactly, yet I don't wonder long.
"Jules is right. This is pretty nice." He says.
Jules. What a stupid fucking name.
"Thanks." I say peering back slightly as we begin to walk.
Harry's green eyes are on me again.
"Did you decorate?" he asks. The question is for me.
I nod.
"I can tell." he says warmly.
The words sound rude, but I get what he is doing. It's a reminder, though small, of our time together. My mind shuffles quick snapshots of that condo we once shared and then the memories of him never being there; always doing promotions.
His career, and being one of the most famous men in the world kind of got in the way of all that.
"Yeah she's amazing!" Chase boasts, squeezing my hand lovingly. "We just moved in and it already looks like something off of HGTV."
I smile.
"What's that?" I hear suddenly.
Me and Chase turn to Barbie. No, Jules.
"Home and Garden Television." Harry answers casually looking at her. He says it as if he is use to explaining things to her.
I turn to Chase and catch his smirk. We both agree, this girl is already looking like an idiot.
I clear my throat.
"So...this is the living room and dining room obviously. Through that door, is where we'll be eating." I point to a small room in the distance.
I briefly let Chase's hand go and continue the 'tour'.
"And this is our library area."
"Get out! You guys have tons of books. How long have you guys been here?" Julie asks, moving towards the shelf of books along the wall.
"A month." Chase answers for her.
"This is incredible!" Julie says moving to run her hands along the shelf.
I want to grab her manicured fingers and tell her not to touch shit, but I have to be polite. I watch her closely as I feel Harry stand by me.
"Still love to read huh?" Harry asks turning to me.
I don't answer, letting the question hang in the air.
Years earlier, before we met, I wanted to work in a publishing house. In fact, it was what I had been studying in school when we met.
Harry's girlfriend-no, fiancé- continues to search the books and I take her in.
She is a catalogue model that Harry supposedly met through a mutual friend. They haven't even been together for a year yet.
We are complete opposites.
Where my hair is brown, hers is blonde. Where I am busty she is flat. Where I am short, she is tall.
I'm 5'5. She appears to be 5'10 and she is more slimmer and toned.
She is pretty and I would be happy for Harry if she wasn't such a cliché.
As she looks, bent over reading book titles, I study her perfectly manicured hands and catch the six carat diamond that rests on her finger. It doesn't look right on her hand.
I want to ask to see it again and get a closer look, but don't need to invite the reminder.
After all, that ring was almost mine once.
I almost have to stop myself from shaking my head. It still baffles me that Harry gave her that ring- my ring.
I turn to Chase, but he is watching Harry, who once again, is looking at me.
What is his problem?
As our eyes meet again, he quickly turns and looks at his girl.
"So what else?" Harry asks, pretending to not see us look at him curiously.
"Let me show you." Chase says, taking initiative. Bubblegum stands and goes over by Harry.
She smiles widely at him, and he smiles back and I have to admit I'm a little disappointed when the smile reaches his eyes as well. Something moves through me.
Sadness? Regret? Jealously?
"I'll take you guys upstairs."
Chase begins to lead towards our upstairs quarters and I don't move.
"I'm going to check on the food." I announce suddenly.
I need a moment to breathe. I'm suddenly very, very uncomfortable.
Harry's eyes are on me again, but I don't dare face him.
I give Chase a quick smile before leaving the room and heading to the kitchen. Quickly.
I turn on the kitchen faucet and run my hands through the ice cold water. It feels good as it coats my fingers.
I close my eyes, slowing my breathing.
It's been two years but I can feel the pain creeping in.
And I knew.
I knew it would be like this seeing him again.
I look at my hands that are turning pink and numb from being under the ice cold water.
I cup my hands, scooping puddles of water. I bring the water to my face, not even caring that I'm probably messing up my makeup.
I just don't want to feel or think for a few moments.
After what feels like minutes, I finally turn the water off and reach for a paper towel. I pat my face dry and throw it away.
I decide I should probably do something productive and check the food in the oven. It is done, but I'm keeping it on low to stay warm.
As I open the oven, I smell him again.
"Hey, you alright?"
Harry's voice is thick and his accent makes his words weave together without pause.
I don't turn and my whole body is tense once again.
"I'm fine." I say pulling the roasted chicken out of the oven.
"Why?" I ask, admiring my chicken. I'm thankful for the distraction.
That headless body with the two legs is studied like it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.
"Becca?" he calls, but I don't face him.
"Hmm...?" I call.
Gosh, I made a nice chicken. Brown and juicy.
I spin the container. Even this side looks nice...
"Can you look at me?" he asks.
I bite my lip and turn to him quickly and then back to the chicken.
"What?" I ask with a rushed tone.
"Becca?" he calls again. His voice has a hint of minor impatience. From his position, which is across the room, he moves closer to me.
I sigh. "Why do you keep calling my name?"
I leave my tone light-hearted.
"Why do you keep acting like I'm not here?" he counters back and I swallow.
I break contact from the chicken and look at him.
His green eyes are soft and warm and fucking mesmerizing and I hate him for how good he always looks. I really, truly do.
"I'm not. What are you talking about?" I ask quickly.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. And then he is Harry. He looks down, shaking his short hair and pushes it from his face; a habit, I've seen him do over a thousand times.
His eyes move back up to mine.
"You know what I'm talking about." he says but he doesn't sound angry. His tone is playful. Only for a second though...
"What's wrong?" he asks again. "You seem...off."
Off.
That's a nice word to caption this. This whole situation is quite off, I must say. Tonight, I'm having dinner with my ex and my current boyfriend. Oh, and my ex's fiancé.
Yes, off, is a perfect word.
"I'm fine." I say.
"And that makes twice." he says with a chuckle; dimple prominent.
"Twice what?" I ask.
"That you've said you're fine. Are we going to go for a third?"
He is teasing me. Harry Styles is teasing me and my God if he doesn't look smug. And still handsome.
I roll my eyes. "I wasn't aware you were counting." I rub my hands through my
hair, and bite my nail. "What are you doing here? Where is everyone?"
"I'm having a piss." he says resting on my counter. In only a matter of seconds, he has already closed so much feet between us.
Didn't he start out across the room?
He looks back at me with a mischievous smile. "At least they think I am. I wanted to check on you."
I'm immediately defensive. "I'm-"
"Fine. I know." he says cutting me off. He looks down, allowing his eyes to trail up me. He pauses at my stomach, just slightly above my hipbone. "You look...good." he says. His eyes quickly find their way to my hazel eyes again.
He smiles and I already know what he is thinking.
I swallow again.
Yup, it is still there.
I wipe my hands on my hip, inches from where my tattoo of his birthday (2.1.94.) and half a heart rest. The same half, that he has tatted on his chest. I instantly wonder what Bubblegum Barbie thinks of it. Does she study it when he lies on top of her? Does it bother her? Has she asked him to remove it?
Most of the time, I cover mine with makeup, as to not make Chase uncomfortable...but what does he do?
I turn back to the chicken, taking it in again. Harry said something but I can't remember what it was.
I drum my hands on the counter.
"Um...so...how's your mom? Gemma?"
"Good. Excellent actually. Mum is good and Gemma is uh..." He hesitates, looking for the right word. "Well." He says finally with a coy grin.
"You don't sound so sure." I say catching his tone.
He chuckles. "You know just her usual self." he says uneasily.
I smile.
He can't stand it, I know.
"She and Michel still blissfully happy?" I ask, the guy she was dating when we split.
He shrugs. "Seems to be, but ya know Gemma."
I chuckle and shake my head. That girl is something else, but I adored her. I adored his whole family.
"What about you? Your sister? Dad?" he asks.
"Good. Everyone is wonderful."
"Have you spoke to your mum lately?"
I swallow. "No. Not in a while."
Harry is quiet and understanding. The relationship with my Mother has been
complicated for a while.
"Well..." he says slowly. "Good."
I turn to him.
"And what about him? Do they like him?"
I look at him in confusion. "Him?" I question.
"Him." Harry says simply. "Do they like him?"
It dawns on me that he is referring to Chase. It makes me smile that he won't say his name.
"Who?" I force, pretending to not catch it.
"Mr. Fifty Shades." he says gesturing upstairs.
I laugh. LOUDLY.
He does slightly resemble Jamie Dornan and does put you in the mind of a 'Christian Grey' but for Harry to say it, is absolutely hilarious.
Harry watches me in amusement as I struggle to catch my breath.
"Stop." I say finally, the giggle still in my throat. "Besides, what about Malibu Barbie?"
Harry laughs this time. "That's original." he teases. "You realize every blonde i'm
seen with, you call them that."
"Come on you have to admit, she does put you in mind of a Barbie doll."
He puts his hands up. "I'm not saying anything."
I smile and shake my head. "You and these models you date."
I'm teasing him, but his smile fades.
"Yeah, and you."
I shrug him off. "I don't count." I say shifting the chicken nervously.
"That's not true." he says. "You are the only one who has counted."
I turn to him and our eyes lock. He seems to catch what he said.
"I mean, before." he says quickly. "You counted before. Before now." he emphasizes.
I know why he says it, and I get why he says it, but it still stings.
In a couple months, Julie or Jules or 'the ditz' will be the only one who will ever count and it hurts.
I turn from him, tucking my hair behind my ear. It is quiet for a few moments and extremely awkward.
"You should get back." I mumble quietly. "Before they think the toilet swallowed you."
I can feel Harry's eyes on me, but he doesn't say another word. I hear him leave the room seconds later.
I look down at the chicken and suddenly it is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.
I push it away from me and cover my face to compose myself.
I can feel my eyes getting heavy and I know tears want to fall.
I already want this evening to end.
I just can't do this. There's too much that needs to be said and that I can't.
"Hey, Harry! There you are." I hear suddenly. From the level, I can tell Chase is on the steps and they must be meeting halfway. In a few seconds, they will all be back; back here and in my space.
I need to pull myself together. I drop my hands and suck it up.
I head to the drawers and find my carving knife slicing through the chicken easily, thinking if only I could do the same with the tension.
I cut, and I cut, sectioning off pieces.
As they find me again, I am making the plates channeling Rachel Ray or Paula Dean.
"Anyone hungry?" I ask playfully putting on my best smile.
The fiancé smiles back and Chase nods in appreciation but Harry looks away, not meeting my eyes. I watch as his eyes venture away from us completely.
He is thinking; studying a picture that hangs of me and Chase just above him. His lips part and he swallows. I feel Chase near me and I smell Barbie's obnoxious perfume but my eyes stay on Harry.
Suddenly, he's the one who looks uncomfortable. Then, it dawns on me I'm not alone in this.
Maybe, just maybe, he misses me too.
And for a moment, my heart leaps.
His green eyes are cloudy when they meet mine seconds later.
There is a look.
A look so intimate and painful that we both have to look away at the same time. Yet, I know in that moment, that tonight will not bring closure. Despite our two year distance, this does not feel like the start of the end.
This does not feel like moving on.
We are still in the middle of our chapter and that look tells me, we are about to hit resume.

Notes