Stairway To Heaven

“So, how was it?” Sofia asks as she leans forward, eyes eager. She had almost knocked over my bowl of cereal when she grabbed my hands.

Sofia hadn’t had time yesterday to ask me how drinking coffee with Niall went. She had met a boy during one of her classes and had spent the remainder of the day in his bed. She had told me so when she had sat down, at the opposite side of the table. A second later, she had launched for my hands.

I kind of need Sofia’s advice, so it’s in my interest to tell her the truth.

“He told me he’s in love with me,” I tell Sofia.

Sofia’s mouth falls open in surprise. “That’s a bit quick.”

“You think?” is my sarcastic reply. I scoff and then I let out a sigh. “Apparently he’s been watching me before he asked me out.”
“Eew,” Sofia exclaims. The look on her face is of someone who has just smelled something very unpleasant.

“No, it’s not like that,” I assure her as I shake my head.

If it had been like that, I would’ve hightailed right out of the coffee shop. No, when Niall had told me he had watched me before he had introduced himself to me, I hadn’t suddenly gotten the creepy stalker vibe from him. He had blushed when he had admitted it.
He had told me that he had noticed me a couple of weeks ago when he had walked across campus. He had seen me sitting under a tree, without a book and without my eyes closed, which meant I wasn’t having a power nap. It had made him curious about me. The reason why he hadn’t approached me before was because he knew I wasn’t single. So instead, he had watched me whenever he saw me on campus.

“He knew I wasn’t single. That’s why he never talked to me,” I explain to Sofia.

“That’s not a reason not to talk to you.” Sofia protests. Then, she narrows her eyes.“Or is he one of these guys who don’t believe guys and girls can’t be friends?”

“I don’t know. I’ve only talked to him twice. I don’t know him that well,” I admit. I shrug my shoulders. “And it’s not important right now. My point is that he didn’t not approach me for the wrong reasons.”

Hansa’s voice suddenly sounds from behind me. “Who are you talking about?”

I can feel Sofia’s hands tense around mine. She smiles nervously as she asks Hansa, “No studying today?”

What the hell is going on? Sofia’s never been nervous around Hansa. Why is she suddenly so tense? Could it be…? No, that can’t be it. She would’ve acted weird before. Besides, Sofia sleeps with men. I’ve never seen her flirt with women. No, if Hansa is indeed in love with Sofia, it’s unrequited.

“I decided to sleep in today,” Hansa tells Sofia. She sits down at the head of the table, between Sofia and I. “So, who were you guys talking about?”

“Niall. He’s been stalking our sweet innocent Bao for I don’t know how long and now he’s told her he’s in love with her,” Sofia summarizes. Her voice is making it sound like she thinks it’s a joke when I know in reality she thinks it’s creepy.

“That’s not…"I start to protests but Hansa interrupts me.

"That’s not funny, Sofia.” Hansa looks disapprovingly at Sofia, who flushes a bright red. “If he’s stalking her…”

“He’s not stalking me!” I exclaim. Both Sofia and Hansa look at me with twin shocked expressions on their faces. I’ve never yelled at them before. “He didn’t follow anywhere, he just looked at me whenever I sat under the tree. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Hansa looks puzzled. “That’s not stalking. It’s even kind of sweet.”

“No, it’s not,” Sofia exclaims. “And before you go there, no it’s not romantic either.”

“Sofia stop it. Just stop it,” I yell. If my friends were taken aback before, they’re now positively flabbergasted. Both of them are looking at me with wide eyes, like deers in headlights. Sofia has let go of my hands. “Niall is not stalking me. Stop saying that he is. You’re being overly dramatic over nothing.”

“I’m just worried about you,” Sofia says in a careful voice, probably worried that she’s going to set me off again.

“Well, you don’t have to. Niall is a nice boy,” I snap at her. “You know, I wanted to talk to you about him. Ask you if you think I should go on a date with him if he asked me. Now I’m going to have to decide myself.”

“But you were going to say no, right? To find out if he thinks of you as your own person?” Hansa asks, brows furrowed in confusion.

“I am. I was.” I let out a sigh and run my hand down my face. My anger has simmered down, now that I’m talking to the friend I’m not mad at. “I think he sees me as my own person. That’s the impression I got yesterday.”

“So, why shouldn’t you say yes to the date?” Hansa asks. “Or don’t you like him?”

“I like him,” I admit, my cheeks flushing red at my admission. “That’s not the problem. And that I only think and not know he likes me for me, isn’t the problem either. I know you can never know someone else intentions for sure. It’s just…”

I don’t know what it is, but I still feel reluctant at the idea of going on a date with Niall, after only known him for a couple of days. Maybe it’s because I just got out of a relationship I’ve been in for such a long time, that I feel reluctant to go on a date with a guy I barely know.

“Just don’t agree to go on a date if you don’t want to,” Sofia tells me. She smiles carefully at me. “Just trust your gut, yeah, and I will too. If you say he isn’t a creep, I believe you.”

“Good,” I mumble. This is what made me the maddest, the fact that Sofia didn’t trust my judgment about Niall.

As Sofia and I eat our breakfast, we talk about other things. Sofia really hates her American Literature professor, so while I eat my sandwich, she complains my and Hansa’s ear off about his stupid asthmatic way of speaking and the sour look he gets on his face whenever a student disagrees with him.

After breakfast, I decide to go to the library. I have a deadline next week and I still have a shit ton to do before it’s finished. I really should’ve started on it earlier.

When I get to the library, it’s packed. In the hope that there’ll still be somewhere I can sit on the second floor, I decide to take the elevator. When it’s doors open, a whole flood of people exit. One of them is someone who looks a lot like my ex and for a moment I think he’s at the university library for some reason.

But then I see that he’s not him. His skin is lighter and his cheekbones are far less prominent. The guy, who I’ve been openly staring at, smiles at me but doesn’t say anything.

With a heart that beats rapidly, I get into the elevator. A whole bunch of people join me but I barely notice them. It feels like some invisible hand is squeezing my heart and my throat closed at the same time.

When the elevator stops, I stumble out with other people. I’m not sure if this is the second floor but I need to get out. The metal box of the elevator has suddenly become too small.

“"Hey, are you alright?” a soft voice asks. Someone grabs my arm gentle and turns me around.

Worried blue eyes take in the expression on my face. Niall must not like it because the crease between his eyebrow deepens. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just…” My voice sounds dazed and unsure. “I thought I saw… I thought I saw my ex… but then it wasn’t him.”

Niall suddenly pulls me close and starts rubbing my back. “It’s alright. It’s alright. Just breath.”

Tears I didn’t realize I’d been holding back are suddenly spilling down my cheeks. I wrap my arms around Niall’s waist and start crying on his shoulder.

And I don’t know why. Why am I crying? Why has the thought of him being here me so freaked out? I need to stop. I’m making a fool of myself.

“What happened?” Niall asks in a soft voice.

I pull out of the embrace and give Niall a watery smile. Tears are still leaving a salty trail down my cheek but I’m in control now. I can think clearly again.

“I thought I saw my ex. Don’t know why I’m crying,” I chuckle half-heartedly. I rub the corners of my eyes, in the hope, it’ll stop my tears. Thankfully, it works.

“Did you guys have a bad break up?"Niall asks.

"No, we didn’t. That’s why it doesn’t make sense that I’m crying. We just grew apart.” I let out a sigh and let my eyes wander up and down the hallway. Some people walking by stare at me. When I meet their gaze, they quickly look away. “Let’s go to the study hall, yeah? I need to study.”

“Are you sure?” Niall still appears worried. He’s looking at me like he’s afraid I might burst into tears again at any second.
“Yeah. I’m okay. I’m done freaking out.” I smile at Niall and takes his hand. I can feel callouses on his fingers as I lace his with mine. If Niall is surprised at my sudden tactility, he doesn’t show it.

Without saying anything, he allows me to drag him to the study hall. Like I had expected, it is crowded but there are still some vacant seats where Niall and I can sit. Some of the students watch me as I walk towards where there are two vacant seats next to each other.

I only let go of Niall’s hand when I sit down. While I put my bag next to the chair, Niall sits down on his. Only then do I realize that Niall is maybe done with studying. He was waiting in front of the elevator, after all.

“Shit, I’m sorry, "I curse as I turn to Niall. He looks at me with an amused expression on his face. Apparently, he is one of the guys who like it when girls curse. "You were probably done studying.”

Niall snickers. “Yeah, I was. But I don’t mind studying some more if it means being in your presence.”

I can feel my cheeks flush and suddenly I feel like a giddy schoolgirl with her first crush. It’s been years since I’ve felt like this.

“Okay. Alright,” I stammer. I quickly turn back to my bag and with trembling hands, I start pulling out all the stuff I need to write the essay.

It takes me half an hour before I get any actual work done. You try to concentrate right after a cute guy who’s sitting right next to you, has just flirted with you. But then I chastise myself - I really need to work on this paper, every minute counts - and I force myself to ignore Niall and only focus on the paper.

Around three o'clock, Niall has to go. He excuses himself as he leans down, his mouth almost touching my ear. His proximity and the scent of his aftershave makes my head fuzzy. I barely hear what he says when he tells me that he’s going to go golfing with his friends.

Though I’m a disappointed that he’s going I can totally understand that Niall wants to hang out with his friends. They probably had these plans for weeks and besides, Niall and I aren’t dating. I have no right to any of his time.

When Niall has left, written the paper goes even quicker. At five, when I’ve finished studying for the day, I have written around 1,500 of the 3,000 words.

Sofia is not at the apartment when I return. She’s probably out with other friends, the ones who do like partying even this early in the day. Hansa is sitting in the living room and she’s reading a book. She looks up when I enter.

“You bumped into Niall, didn’t you?” she asks as she smiles at me.

“Yeah,” I admit. My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “How did you know?”

“You look flustered. Did you study together?” Hansa asks, eagerly.

I walk toward the sofa that Hansa is sitting on and sit down on it, next to her feet. She lays down her book and she pulls her legs back so she can lay her head on their knees. Her eyes are eager as she looks at me.

“Yeah, we studied together. He flirted and I behaved like a love-sick schoolgirl.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Hansa exclaims. “I wish I could act like one.”

Suddenly, her face clouds over. The glimmer of joy in her eyes dims. Her shoulders slump. Hansa looks sad, heartbroken almost.
“You’re in love, aren’t you?” I ask even though I know the answer. I have eyes in my head. I know Hansa is in love with Sofia.

“Yeah. And they’re not in love with me,” Hansa tells me. Her eyes travel to her feet and watch her toes as she starts wiggling them. Her toenails are painted a beautiful red and on her middle toe, there’s a beautiful golden toe ring.

“Hansa, are you in love with Sofia?”

Hansa’s head shoots up and she watches me with wide eyes. “No, I’m not in love with Sofia. I’m not into girls.”

There’s a tremble in her voice and the look on her face is one of fear. I thought that Hansa had made peace with the fact that she’s in love with a girl, but apparently, she hasn’t.

“Oh, okay. Sorry. Not that it’s wrong to fall in love with a girl. But if you don’t like girls, you’re not like girls.” I smile at Hansa. “So, who is the lucky guy?”

I play along with pretending that the person that Hansa’s talking about is a bloke as she tells me how she’s in love but that the bloke doesn’t like her like that. So, she’s forced to pretend around him that she doesn’t want to be more than friends.

“It sucks that you’re going through this,” I tell Hansa. I lay a hand on her arm and she smiles at me with watery eyes.

“It’ll probably pass.” Hansa shrugs her shoulders but her bottom lip trembles. “I’ll fall in love with someone else and forget all about him.”

If only feelings were that simple. I know out of my own experience that they’re not. I had wanted to stay in love but my heart hadn’t listened.

Notes

Let me know what you thought about this chapter.