The week was flying by and by the time it was Friday I was completely unprepared for my evening with Kira. It was 3:00 and I was considering working late just so I wouldn't have to go. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach since Monday night and I just did not feel like the night was going to go well. My bottom lip was raw from chewing it so much to suppress my nerves.
"Hey, are you feeling alright? You look so pale." Kaine asked when she approached my cube holding a box of ink.
"Oh, do I?" I asked as if I didn't already know.
"Yeah, I was just trying to go back to my desk but you looked like you were going to be sick I wanted to make sure you were okay." she said concerned.
"I've just, I've got a date with Kira tonight and I haven't talked to her since Monday when I lost my shit on her and I just don't foresee it going too well tonight." I explained.
She entered my cube and sat up on my desk next to my computer.
"What happened?" she asked.
"We were supposed to go out Sunday night for my birthday and she's blowing me off that day and taking me out tonight. But she didn't ask me first and she's been changing plans on me constantly and her shitty attitude has been bothering me and I think I just finally blew up on her." I said looking away from my monitor and at her.
"Why'd she cancel for Sunday?" Kaine asked, her green eyes curious.
"She has a shoot." I shrugged.
"That's a load of bullshit." she said.
"That's what I thought." I sighed. "And, I uh, I returned the ring."
"You what?" she gasped.
"I returned the engagement ring. I don't think it's time, and I'm not even sure how much longer we'll last." I said.
"I'm sure that was the right thing to do, but I'm just surprised." she said after a while.
"I really don't want to go out with her tonight." I groaned.
"At least the color has returned to your face now." she smiled trying to make me feel better.
"That doesn't mean I'm not scared shitless to face her." I tried to give her a little smile.
"Alright, well if things are going really terribly, just give me a text and I'll call you up and I'll come up with some lame ass excuse for you to get out of there." she said taking a sticky note and scribbling out her number on it.
"She thinks you're a man." I said suppressing a small laugh.
"No surprise there honestly, it's just a side effect of the name." she laughed. "Good luck tonight Niall, I'll see you and the guys tomorrow. Hopefully you'll be better then."
She hopped off my desk and turned back to smile as she exited the cube.
"Hey Kaine." I called and she looked back at me.
"You forgot the ink." I smiled and held out the box.
"Oh thank you." she said and took the box from my hands and walked back to her desk for real this time.
I took sticky note and tucked it away into my pocket. That was a good number to have. The rest of the hour went by far too quickly and I was packing up my bag before I knew it. I didn't want to leave the building because the sooner I left, the sooner I'd have to see her. I was terrified.
"You good mate?" Liam asked as I walked with him to the elevator.
"Hardly." I said. "I'll tell you guys how everything goes with her tomorrow."
"What time tomorrow?" Louis asked as he stepped on the elevator behind us with Nate and Harry.
"I don't know, what do you think H?" I asked.
"Hold the door!" Kaine called from down the hall.
We were the last six out of the office because I was trying to drag out the time before I had to meet her. I stuck my foot in the door so that it wouldn't close on her and I laughed as I saw her running down the hall.
"Alright now that we're all here." Harry teased Kaine. "How about we start at 9 at that rooftop bar the Attic then we'll go to Quinn's and finish off at McKinley's?"
"Yeah I like the sounds of that." Liam said nodding.
"Fine by me." I said and weakly smiled at them.
"Niall, it'll be fine tonight, just because you guys fought last time you talked doesn't mean that's how tonight will go. I'm sure she'll be fine." Harry reassured me.
"Yeah, I don't know." I said and pulled at the hem of my shirt.
When I got nervous I fell back into the habits I had as a ten year old boy that my mom always yelled at me for. Like tugging at my hem and pulling loose threads, along with biting my nails and looking to the ground. This was one of those times.
"Just relax you'll be fine." Kaine said as we all stepped off the lift.
I sighed and we all walked out of the building bidding our farewells until tomorrow. My car was in the same corner as Nate's so we walked the expanse of the lot together.
"If things go shitty tonight we'll get you blackout drunk tomorrow and you can crash at my place." Nate joked.
"I have a feeling that's how things are gonna end up." I let myself laugh a little. "You sure your roommate won't mind?"
"Nah, Ethan normally sleeps at his girlfriend's place Saturdays." he said.
"Thanks man." I said.
"Good luck, you're gonna need it." he said and got into his car.
I drove home and stripped down to shower and try to find a way to calm myself down. I was supposed to pick her up at 8 and it was only 5 now. I had three hours to try to stop myself from thinking of the worst. I decided I'd be best off taking a nap so I would stop thinking. I set an alarm for two hours later and laid back on my bed. When I woke up to the ringing I instantly became more worried. I made myself a cup of tea and began to get dressed. I didn't know where she was taking me so I had to take a chance and either be severely over dressed or under dressed. And with that I decided on khakis and a button down, that was about as in-between I could get.
I finished off my cup of tea and fixed up my hair then took a deep breath. It would be okay, it's Kira, how terrible could the night go?
I locked my door and went down to my car. Today the drive from mine to Kira's seemed unending and when I finally pulled up to her building she was waiting outside on a bench. She spotted my car and stood up to smooth out her dress then opened the passenger door.
"Hey." she simply said and buckled her seatbelt.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
You could cut the tension in here with a knife.
"STK Midtown." she answered and went silent again.
I turned up the radio to a volume just a little too loud to talk over and began the drive there. Was she still mad at me for flipping out on her? How was I supposed to break into conversation? I pulled up to the restaurant and got out of the car to go open up her side like I always did. She didn't wait for me to though, she got out on her own and started to walk toward the entrance. I grabbed for her hand to walk with her but she ignored my grip and kept walking.
"Kira, tonight's not gonna work if we don't talk. We're both obviously very uncomfortable and I'm sorry for losing my shit on Monday, I just had a rough day alright?" I said to her while we waited to be seated.
"Yeah it's okay I just thought you'd react a little better. You've always been understanding about my job and I just didn't expect that from you." she said.
"I'm sorry." I apologized again.
"Okay." she said.
She was still being cold as I tried to ask her about her work week. Just giving me little snippets here and there. We were finally seated and Kira ordered a glass of wine and I asked for a beer. I continued to try to talk to her but she was still being incredibly cold.
"So what kind of shoot do you have to do Sunday?" I broke the silence.
"Me and a bunch of girls from the agency have to go up to Connecticut and get updated headshots done and then audition for a runway show." she explained. "I just wasn't going to be able to make it with you on Sunday."
"Yeah I understand, can we just drop Sunday though? That's obviously not a good topic for us." I let out a small laugh.
"Probably a good idea."
We ordered our food and continued to talk to each other in a civil manner. When the food arrived we didn't talk much but focused on our meals. It was busy and loud in the restaurant and we seemed to be the only two not talking. I reached for my wallet at the end of the meal and she stopped me saying it was on her. I thanked her quietly and the waiter came to retrieve the check and clear our spaces.
So far the night wasn't so bad but it still was not normal.
"Do you want to go grab a drink?" I asked when we walked outside.
"Yeah that sounds good." she said.
We walked just around the block to Forty Four which was a place Kira was frequently at. I offered her my arm to walk and she almost brushed it off but ended up taking it. We entered the bar and she said hello to several people she knew there. She stopped to talk to one of her friends and I went up to the bar and ordered her a vodka tonic and a beer for myself. I sat on one of the stools and looked over to who she was talking with to try to get her attention. She was too focused on the conversation to even look up at me. I sighed rather loudly. After another ten minutes and my second beer she came over to grab her drink.
"Sorry, I haven't seen Loraine in so long I had to catch up with her." she apologized and took a sip. "What time is it? I'm getting tired."
"Just a little after 11, do you want me to bring you home?" I asked.
"Yeah after this drink." she said and stood between my legs while I sat on the stool.
This night was going over far too well, it had to be the calm before the storm. I could tell she was trying to stay out of a fight by not talking to me much but she has shown absolutely no affection. She placed her hand on my thigh while we were finishing our drink. It seemed forced but I still relished in it.
"You ready?" I asked.
"Yeah let's go." she nodded.
I paid for the drinks and tipped the bartender generously then grabbed her hand off of my thigh to hold. We walked out of the bar hand in hand and walked back to the car. I opened the door for her and she got in. I was fully aware she was going to try to keep me from going upstairs with her because she didn't want to fight so I needed a bullshit excuse to get up there.
"Do you have any ibuprofen at yours? I've got this massive headache." I lied when I got in.
"Yeah I do you want me to run up and grab some for you?" she asked.
"I'll come get it, you said you were tired anyway you don't have to make the extra trip." I said.
Niall - 1, Kira - 0.
We drove the rest of the way in silence, no surprise there, and I pulled into the lot by her building. She opened up her door and grabbed her keys from her purse. We walked up to the front doors and she buzzed us in and rode the elevator in silence.
"So it's in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom." she said as she unlocked the car door.
I didn't have a headache now but I think after the discussion I was going to prompt I would have one so I took her up on it anyway.
"Yeah thanks, but you know that's not the reason I came up here." I said and disappeared into the bathroom.
When I left here tonight our relationship was either going to be better than ever or everything was going to go to shit. I took a deep breath and swallowed a few of the pills from the cabinet and went back out to face her. She was sitting at her counter looking at her phone.
"Kira," I began. "What's going on, what's happened here."
"I don't know what you're talking about." she said nervously.
"You have to feel it to, there's no way you couldn't." I continued.
I stood in front of her with pleading eyes trying to get her to work with me here. She didn't seem to want to take the bait.
"Feel what? Everything's fine." she continued.
"You've been so distant lately, I just want to know what's wrong." I said trying to be level.
"I've just been busy, and tired, nothing is wrong, it's just work." she said.
"Kira, you've only been back to work a week now, it's been months you've been like this." I kept going.
"What do you mean? I don't seem to see anything wrong." she lied.
"You could cut the tension in here with a knife. Just tell me what's been on your mind." I prompted.
"Nothing Niall. It's fine." she snapped.
This is what I wanted, I wanted a fight. We needed a fight.
"Kira you've been so cold, you've been canceling on me left and right, you expect me to do things with your friends but when I ask you to do one thing with mine you can't spare me that." I began getting heated.
"I have not! It's all in your mind! We're busy, our schedules don't work with each other like they used to." she yelled.
"Why in hell haven't we slept together in three weeks." I demanded.
"Not everything in a relationship is about sex Niall." she yelled.
"Yeah but it's part of it. You've been making excuses, 'oh I'm on my period' this, 'I have to work tomorrow' that. That's not a healthy thing to do." I continued on.
"Maybe I just haven't been up for it okay?" she came back at me.
"We used to all the time, we used to be in love and couldn't keep our hands off each other and now you're just avoiding me like the fucking plague." I yelled back.
"That is not true!" she yelled.
I got closer to her and put my hands on her outer thighs, she tried squirming away as I began moving the skirt of her dress up higher and higher.
"Yeah? Then what the hell are you doing now, you're trying to get away from me, it wasn't like this a few months ago what the hell is happening here? What is happening to us Kira?" I reiterated.
"Fine, you want to sleep with me? Let's go, right now, will that just magically fix everything?" she asked trying to get out of my touch.
"No it won't. It definitely won't fix this." I said motioning between me and her. "But it's been three fucking weeks and I'm a little backed up here."
I was aching, this difficult side of her always got me like this. I brought her skirt up higher and started kissing her neck, something that used to drive her crazy.
"Niall why are we doing this." she said between gasps.
I didn't answer because I wasn't ready to admit what I wanted to say yet. Instead I lifted her off of her stool and carried her to her bedroom and threw her down on the bed. I unbuttoned by pants and pulled them off, no use for those anymore.
"Niall." she said again as I got closer to her.
"Enough talking for now, yeah?" I said leaning over her before kissing her neck again.
I lifted her skirt all the way past her hips and unbuttoned the first few buttons of the top. I sucked on the skin just below her ear trying hard to get a moan out of her. She was holding it in though, she didn't want to give me the satisfaction of knowing what she was missing for the past few weeks. Even if she was cheating on me, I knew just the way to love her right.
But I didn't want to do that tonight.
I pulled my boxers down past my knees and stroked myself a couple times before putting on the condom I got from her bedside table. I was done with the foreplay, that was all for her. I needed this, I hadn't felt it in too long.
I slid her panties down her legs and tossed them to the side. I entered her slowly biting my lip to suppress my moan. I didn't want her to know the affect she had on me. Normally we would take it slow to help her along but I thrust into her hard and sloppy without a care.
"Slow down." she moaned.
She reached down to rub circles in her clit to help get herself off while I kept thrusting into her faster and faster, sucking on her neck, trying to mark her one last time. I kept going and going until I felt my muscles clench and hit my high releasing inside her and yelling out curse words without even worrying about her finishing. It was cruel, but it seemed like something I had to do to put my mind at ease. When I pulled out of her she looked at me with pleading eyes, trying to get me to finish what I started.
"I'm sorry." I said before she could say anything.
She pulled a sheet over her half naked body and stared at me as I put my boxers and pants back on.
"I guess we've both changed." she said harshly.
"Guess so." I agreed.
"I think you should go Niall, and quite frankly never come back." she snapped again.
"We both knew this was coming." I put out in the open.
"It's just not working anymore, I'm sorry. I just think we should be done here." she said trying to soften the blow.
"I love you Kira." I said one last time.
"That's all I get? Almost four years together and all I get is a yeah?" I asked.
"You've gotta go Niall." she said again.
"Send your lover my regards." I nearly spit and walked out of the room.
I could feel tears streaking down my face as I grabbed my keys from the counter and slammed the door shut. Four years gone to shit. I had a ring for her yesterday and today we're through. And her last words to me just twisted the knife further.
I tried to ring my mum up but realized it was nearly 5 am her time and how pathetic her nearly 28 year old boy calling her up crying over a girl would sound. Instead I walked out into the balmy summer air and got into my car and drove home to sulk.
When I got into the lobby of my apartment I gave a weak smile to the attendant before stepping onto the elevator and letting the tears fall. Everything has gone to shit. Four years down the drain.
I opened up my door and went straight to the fridge to crack open a beer and watch awful late night television. And just continued to let the tears fall.
At some point I fell asleep and was thankful I did not dream that night.