Wilder Mind

Eleven.
The weeks passed by the same way, five days of work, getting pissed drunk on Friday and Saturday night, then hating myself on Sunday then repeat.
Kira was just an endless cycle through my brain and I just wanted her out. I didn't think it was going to be so hard to get over her at this point but I even fucked up a one night stand I tried to have by talking about her when we got back to her place.
I was doing so well for the weekend after the breakup but then after I talked to my Ma on Sunday night I was lost. I just didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to be single. Ma was calling more often to check in on me and I just told her the same things every time she called.
"Hey, Niall, snap out of it." Harry said.
"Sorry. I'm just, you know." I said.
"Yeah you've gotta work though." he laughed a little. "Liam needs you."
I rolled my chair across the aisle and into Liam's cube.
"It won't compile." he said motioning to his screen.
"It looks pretty good." I said scrolling through the screen.
I started a full web layout two weeks ago and assigned Liam to do a tab on it since Rhodes was looking for another programmer in the staff. He learned html code rather quickly and he seemed to do an alright job.
"Just remember your closing brackets and you should be good. Looks great." I said and rolled away from the computer.
"Seriously?" he asked.
"Yeah you learned quick." I said. "I might just have to fix a few formatting things once your done but that's to be expected. I'll put in a good word with Rhodes for you."
"Thank you." he said gratefully.
I rolled back out and over to my cube again. Kaine was sitting on my desk talking to Harry over there divider.
"Hey how're you doing?" she said when she turned around.
"Same as I was when it happened." I said.
"Well I just came over here to see if you two wanted to come back to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving with me." she said.
"Huh?" I asked.
"We normally just toss back a few beers and sit on Niall's couch over our little break, it's not really something we celebrate." Harry said.
"Then you really should come! My family loves new people and we have plenty of room just pay for a plane ticket and come." she said.
"I don't know, our tradition has been really good so far." I said.
"Niall, you've got to snap out of this, it's been more than two months and I'm tired of seeing you so upset." Kaine said.
"I'm not upset, I'm just-" I began.
"She's right, you can't be so depressed over Kira anymore, you've got to get over her." Harry interrupted.
"I'm trying, it's just hard." I said.
"You haven't even hit on me or any of the other girls in the office like you used to, it's like your not trying to get over her." Kaine said.
"I never hit on you guys." I said feeling myself blush.
I was lying to myself so hard. In the first couple weeks I met Kaine I knew I was hitting on her because she was giving me attention unlike Kira at the time. And she was a pretty girl who was something new. I was just looking for some affection that I wasn't receiving but after that night I slept on Kaine's bathroom floor I stopped hitting on her so much. I realized she had a boyfriend back at home and I was just being foolish and needy, and I missed Kira so much. I still do, I haven't seen her since that Friday and hadn't talked to her since after I called her thanking her for the tickets. There was just a void in my heart.
"Oh come on." she said dramatically. "Just get out of the city for a few days and you'll feel refreshed."
"Don't you want to bring back some of your friends your own age?" I asked.
"Yeah why don't you bring Eliza and Penny or someone like that?" Harry asked.
"Because I want you guys to come alright?" she said. "You're fun and you don't have anywhere to go for the holiday, just come on. Book a ticket and come hang out with my family and watch some football with us. Not to mention the amazing food. Come on."
I looked at Harry and shrugged. Maybe it would be good for me, to distance myself from the place I fell in love with Kira. I needed to clear my head, without drinking myself asleep every weekend.
"Won't all the tickets be booked already?" I asked.
"No, nobody leaves New York to go to Wisconsin are you kidding?" she laughed. "I haven't booked mine yet even."
"I'll go if you go." I said to Harry.
"Are the Packers playing Thanksgiving?" he asked.
"Hell yeah they are and I already told my dad we're taking the season tickets." she said.
"Yeah I'm absolutely completely in." he said excitedly.
"Alright Niall, scoot over we have to book some tickets." Kaine said excitedly.
The next two weeks went by quickly and Kaine, Harry and I were set to take off at 8 a.m. from JFK the next morning. They were both staying at mine that night so we could getting going and be on time for the flight.
We had been working late all last week and today so we could make up for the day we were missing tomorrow. It was nearly 7 and we just got out. They were stopping off at their places to grab their luggage and then they'd be coming over. I got a call coming in over my Bluetooth.
"Hello?" I said.
"Hello Niall dear." my Ma said.
"Ma? What are you doing up it's late over there?" I asked.
"I know, I just couldn't sleep. I've been worried about you so I thought I'd check in." she said.
"You shouldn't worry, you should sleep." I laughed at her.
"I know but I'm your mother so I do." she said.
"I leave for Wisconsin in the morning, hope it clears my mind." I said.
"Who are you going with again?" she asked.
"Harry and our friend Kaine, she's a nice girl." I said.
"Remember to bring a bottle of wine out there or something. Be polite." she said.
"Ma, I'm not a kid anymore I know these things." I laughed again.
"You seem happier today, are you feeling better?" she asked.
"I'm hoping getting out of the city for a few days will clear the rest of my head. We're taking tomorrow off to get an extra day out there." I said.
"This will be good for you Niall. I'm glad I called to hear you happier like this." she said.
"I love you Ma, I'll text you before we take off and when we land." I said.
"I love you too my sweet boy, talk to you soon." she said.
"Goodbye Ma." I said ending the call.
I pulled up to my place and parked out back. On the way in I pulled out my phone to order takeaway when the doorman nodded at me. I was about to just smile and keep walking but instead I stopped this time.
"We've been doing this same thing for six years now, I think it's time I've properly introduced myself. I'm Niall." I said holding out my hand.
"I'm Adam. Nice to finally talk to you." he laughed shaking it.
"Our silent conversations were really nice but I mean this could work too." I said.
"See you around then Niall." he said with a nod.
"You too."
I pulled out my phone and walked toward the elevator and called to order the food. It'd be here by the time Kaine and Harry got here.
I pulled off my heavy pea coat and placed it on the couch when I got inside. I got into a pair of long pajama pants and a tee shirt then finished packing my duffle bag. I left a pair of joggers and a long sleeve shirt out on top of it for the flight tomorrow morning and then grabbed my laptop out of my knapsack. I started that playlist for Kaine on my birthday and hadn't looked at it much since. I've been too busy sulking and staying in my mind. I added a bunch of other music that reminded me of her and things she may like and then made it available offline for the flight. And I titled it "Songs About Kaine," after one of my favorite albums, Songs About Jane.
I heard my door open and close and walked out to see Harry on my couch piling a duffle and a second bag next to the door.
"I ordered pizza and wings, should be here soon." I said.
"Kaine texted and said she was on her way." he told me and took off his coat. "Cute pants."
I looked down at my pants with the little whale print all over them.
"Kira got them for me two years ago in Cape Cod, they're very comfy." I said defending them.
He laughed a little and got into his own pajamas while I answered the door to pay for the pizza. Kaine was talking to the guy when I opened the door and she slipped inside.
"Thank." I said and handed over the money in exchange for the food.
I shut the door and placed everything on the counter. I grabbed a few paper plates out of the cabinet and a few beers out of the fridge.
"You guys are going to love my family. Love us." Kaine said.
"They may hate us though, come people hate foreigners." Harry joked.
"Oh stop. They'll love you." she said.
"What time do you think we have to leave here in the morning?" he asked.
"What time's our flight again?" I asked Kaine.
"6:20." she said.
"Then like four." I said.
"Oh god." he complained.
"I think Everett is already in from Texas so he's gonna pick us up at the airport at home tomorrow." she said.
Oh, Everett. Good ol' Everett. I wonder if he knew more about me and Harry than we did about him. And if he'd be pissed Kaine made friends with a bunch of guys who were 5 and 6 years older than her.
We sat around eating pizza and drinking beers in front of the tv and watching reruns of Feherty. It was nearly 11 and I wanted to get at least a little sleep before we had to take off in the morning.
"Kay you can either take my room and me and Harry will sleep out here." I said.
"No that's okay I can take the couch, doesn't make sense displacing you." she said.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yeah your couch is ridiculously comfortable." she said.
"Wanna get cozy and sleep on the other side of my bed?" I asked Harry.
"Yeah we can cuddle all night." he joked.
I laughed at him and went into my room and grabbed a few sheets, blanket and pillow out of my closet and brought them out to her.
"Here you go." I said handing the pile over to her.
"Thank you." she said and started putting the things on the couch.
"We've got to be up at like 3:30 so I'll set an alarm and I'll wake you then." I said.
"Alright sounds good." she said and laid the blanket down.
"Goodnight Kaine." Harry said and followed me off into my room.
I pulled down the sheets and blanket on my bed and stretched out my arms before getting in. I leaned over the edge and set an alarm and plugged my phone into the charger.
"We're going to hate ourselves when we wake up tomorrow morning for not going to sleep earlier." Harry said and laid down on the other side of the bed.
"God I know it." I said and shut the light next to me. "I'll just push you off the bed if you don't wake up to the alarm."
"Yeah good." he said with a yawn.
3:30 came far too quickly and I was miserable when the alarm went off. Harry groaned loudly when I reached over to turn it off. Harry shifted on the bed and covered his head with a pillow.
"Come on buddy, we've gotta get up." I said my voice raspy with sleep.
"Go get Kaine up." he said and took the pillow off his head.
I swung my legs over the edge and went out in the living room to see Kaine still sound asleep. She had the blanket pulled all the way up to her nose. Her eyes were scrunched tight together and she was curled up into a ball.
"Hey Kaine." I whispered turning on a lamp.
She didn't stir, just continued to sleep.
"Kaine." I said a little bit louder and walked around the side of the couch and kneeled to be even with her.
I pulled her blanket away from her face a little to see if that would trigger something. She didn't react again.
"Kaine." I tried one more time brushing some of her unruly bed head off her forehead.
She rolled over and sighed.
"You awake?" I asked.
"Mmm." she let out a hum.
"Alright we've gotta get up." I said.
"Fine." she finally whispered quietly and opened her eyes.
"Morning." I smiled still kneeling next to her.
She reached her hand out of the blanket and lightly shoved my face away. I laughed at her and then stood up to go back into my room. I slipped off my pajama pants and shirt and threw them into the duffle with the rest of my clothes I was bringing with me. I changed into a fresh pair of boxers then put on my joggers and long sleeve shirt and a pair of socks. Harry walked back into the room from the bathroom in a pair of pants and his Packers sweatshirt and put his toothbrush into his bag.
"Wanna call for a cab or Uber or something?" I asked and grabbed a beanie out of my closet.
"Yeah I will. Did you get her up?" he asked.
"Yeah she's a heavy sleeper." I said.
"Alright, let's get coffee in the airport?" he asked.
I nodded at him then walked into the bathroom where Kaine was brushing her teeth as well. I squeezed behind her and grabbed the toothpaste from the counter and put some on my brush.
"Why'd we get a flight so early?" she asked after she spit and rinsed her mouth.
"You were the one who booked it." I said after I was done.
"You should've talked me out of it." she said.
I laughed and walked back into my room to grab my duffle and knapsack and Harry was rummaging through one of his bags. He pulled out a black winter hat and situated his long hair inside of it.
"Uber is downstairs." he said peeking at his phone.
"Kaine you ready? The car's downstairs." I yelled into the other room while I slipped on my sneakers.
"Yeah just finishing up." she called.
Harry and I grabbed our coats from my room and I slipped my knapsack on my back and grabbed the duffle. We filed out into the living room where I grabbed Kaine's suitcase with my free hand while she put on her coat.
"Thanks." she said slipping her boots on.
Harry locked the door behind us and we went down to the car in front. The driver popped the trunk and Harry and I put the things in while Kaine got in the back seat.
"We're going to JFK." I said when I slid into the front.
"No problem." he said pulling off the curb. "Where are you guys flying out to?"
"Home." Kaine said from the back.
"Her home in Wisconsin." Harry added to ease the confusion.
I made small talk with the driver the rest of the way to the airport talking mostly about football. We thanked him on our way out and grabbed our belongings from the trunk. The airport was quiet right now which we were thankful for seeing as security lines wouldn't be too long.
"You guys look cute in your beanies, you should wear them more." Kaine said while we got our boarding passes.
"Thanks, I think." I said feeling a blush creep to my face.
We made it through security and found our way to our gate with a little less than an hour to spare.
"I'm gonna go find coffee, either of you want anything?" I asked them.
"No, I think I'm gonna try to nap on the plane so I better not." Kaine said.
"You know what I get." Harry said.
I wandered through the terminal watching people walk along with their rolling baggage. This airport was always busy but it seemed calm this early in the morning. The London one was chaotic at all hours it seemed like, along with the Dublin one. I got Harry and I coffee and started my walk back to them when I felt buzzing in my pocket. I pulled out my phone to see my Ma calling.
"Hey Ma." I said answering it.
"Hi dear, when do you take off?" she asked.
"Not for another half hour or so." I said.
"Good, I'm glad I caught you before you did." she said.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay." she admitted.
"I've been a little better this past week, she's not on my mind so much. Harry's been keeping me occupied." I said.
"Now is Harry flying home for Christmas too?" she asked.
"Yeah, he'll be with his Mum for a week then I told him to come be with us for a few days so we could fly back to New York together." I said.
I reached our gate again and handed Harry over his coffee.
"That will be nice, I'm looking forward to seeing him again." she said.
"He'll be happy to see you too I'm sure." I said.
"Well, I'll let you go, just text me when you land dear." she said.
"Love you Ma, I will." I said.
"I love you too my sweet boy. Talk to you soon." she said.
"Bye Ma." I said and hung up.
Kaine looked up from her phone at me and had a little smirk on her face.
"What?" I asked.
"You're a total mama's boy and I never would've pinned that on you before." she said with a little laugh.
"Just within the last few months." I said trying to defend myself.
"Nope, he always has been." Harry said. "Since I've known him at least."
"Hey come on, she gives good advice and it's nice to have a piece of home I can call up." I said.
"Do you not think of New York as home even with how long you've lived here now?" she asked.
"Ireland will always be home." I said.
"Yeah I'm the same, I think I'll always feel out of place here, I belong in Cheshire." Harry agreed.
"Do you think you'll ever move back?" she asked.
"I don't know." Harry and I said in unison.
We sat around quietly until our flight began boarding. We were in the first boarding group so we gathered our things and started walking down the jetway and boarded the plane. Our seats were the first row after the first class passengers in the emergency exit row. I silently thanked god for blessing us with leg room.
"By the way Kaine, me and Niall already determined that you're taking the middle seat." Harry said taking the one by the window.
"That's okay, I don't mind." she said while she dug through her purse.
I put our duffles in the compartment above us then sat on the aisle. I looked through my knapsack to find my headphones and grabbed my water bottle.
"Hey can I have a sip of that?" Kaine asked holding a couple pills in her hand.
"Yeah go ahead." I said offering it to her.
She tossed the pills back then took a sip of the water and handed the bottle back to me. She started picking at her cuticles and her breathing hitched a little.
"You alright?" I asked hitting my leg against hers.
"Uh, I hate flying. I'm actually pretty terrified of it." she said.
"Are you afraid you're gonna get sick or something?" Harry asked tuning into our conversation.
"Just the idea of it freaks me out, it's not like I think we're gonna go down or something I just really hate the feeling of it. Taking off, landing, turbulence, all that. It's awful. Not to mention being in a closed space for so long." she said. "Penny gave me some of her old Xanax to take the edge off so I hope it'll kick in."
"You've gotta be careful with that shit." I said.
"Yeah, I know, I just got really worked up the other day when I was with her and she said it's a low dosage, I think it'll be alright." she said.
The seatbelt sign went on and the safety messages started playing after a while. My headphones were hanging around my neck as I scrolled through my music trying to tune out the messages. The plane started moving down the runway and I saw Kaine's eyes close where she sat next to me.
I never understood why people were afraid to fly. I'd been on and off planes constantly since I was 18. I guess I was nervous to fly the first time but I was fine once I was on board. I've just been across the world so many times now it seemed like second nature to me.
Harry had his earbuds in looking out the window to the foggy morning. As we gained speed on the runway I could sense her tensing up a little next to me. Her hands were resting in her lap and she had her fingers wound tightly together. I reached for her hands and untangled them taking her left hand in my right one. She opened her eyes looked over at me confused. I gave her hand a small squeeze.
"It'll be fine." I said.
She nodded at me and held onto my hand with a death grip until our ascend was finished then she let go.
"I don't know if I'll sleep." she said. "Unlike him."
I looked past her to Harry to see him already sound asleep and laughed.
"He could sleep through the apocalypse." I said.
"Wish I could."
"Do you have earphones?" I asked.
"Yeah in my purse." she said.
"When you were looking through my records that one day and complimented my taste in music I thought maybe I should make you a playlist or something with songs you would like." I said grabbing the plug of her headphones.
My over-ear ones had an earphone jack on the right side to plug another set into to share music.
"Really?" she asked.
"Yeah so I threw together a bunch of songs you'll like and ones that remind me of you. Just listen to this and pretend we're not thousands of feet in the air." I said.
"That's sweet Niall, thank you." she said putting her earbuds in either ear.
I hit play and let the good music take us away from NY. After a while Kay started to get drowsy and dosed off to the music. I felt her head fall onto my shoulder and looked up to see Harry tossing in his seat.
"Cute." he said sarcastically.
I shrugged my one shoulder she wasn't on as he settled back into sleep.
If this was how our short vacation was going to go, I was happy with it.
Kira hadn't even crossed my mind this morning.
_________________________________________________
Author's Note:
If you're interested in listening to the playlist "Songs About Kaine," then here's the link. It's called "music that's better than the rest" on my Spotify simply because all the songs are better than the rest of them out there. I update it frequently with a bunch of music new and old. Enjoy.
https://goo.gl/6bXCuU

Notes