My Saving Grace

When I got home later that night, I went to go take a nice, long shower, changing into my comfy oversized college tshirt and cotton shorts afterwards. Although I was drained from work, I felt much too occupied to fall asleep now.

Making my way towards the wine cooler, I reached down for a bottle of Merlot and poured a generous amount into a glass before heading out onto the balcony. A soft glowing light painted the sky, hinting at the total darkness soon to come.

I sat down on one of the chairs, tucking my legs beneath me as I took a sip of my wine. The air was still, unlike my mind which currently was a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.

Seeing Antonio again after all these long weeks spent missing him had been difficult, especially when he'd shut the door in my face the way he did, but it'd also further solidifed my desire to be with him. I just needed to break down the barriers he'd put up where Veronica was concerned.

We'd barely spoken to each other tonight, however, I did manage to learn something new. He'd claimed that whatever had gone on between the two of them had been entirely his fault.

...And because of that, he wasn't willing or able to be in a relationship with me.

Right now, just remembering his exact words hurt like an open wound, but I refused to give up. He'd even admitted that there was something between us. Tilting my glass up, I downed its contents in one large gulp to numb the pain, wincing slightly at the burning sensation on my tongue.

With weary eyes, I stared straight ahead at the horizon, trying to piece together the bits of information I'd already known about Antonio. I thought back to the night I'd first realized I was falling for him, after we'd eaten dinner at that Italian restaurant, Angelini Osteria.

And then there was Signora Moretti, the sweet, loveable hostess who Antonio had said was like a mother to him. She'd told me something about him that night, and I knitted my brows together in concentration, trying to remember what it'd been.

"He's been through a lot in his life and made some unforgettable mistakes. But his heart is pure."

That was it. Her exact words. She'd said them when Antonio had to go use the restroom.

I sat up straighter in my seat, clutching the armrests as my heart beat rapidly in my chest. I might not know much about the context of the situation at the moment, but I did know that what Antonio had done in the past must have been horrible.

Or more precisely, what he'd done to Veronica.

And I had to admit, the thought was rather unsettling...terrifying, even.

Feeling slightly disoriented, I stood up and walked back inside to rinse my glass before heading into my bedroom. While brushing my teeth, I tried hinting at things Antonio could have done that were so "unforgettable."

But besides cheating, what else was there?

All this speculating was getting me nowhere; it was up to Antonio now. Either he would finally reveal his past with Veronica, so we could have a chance at moving forward, or he would continue avoiding me.

And God knows I wanted the former.

***

"Sophia, spill it," Ella said to me as we were eating half apps with Peter the following Friday night.

"Spill what?", I asked.

"Something's been going on with you for quite some time now...but you won't tell us."

"That's because there's nothing to tell," I stated simply, but my eyes betrayed my words.

"It's the college professor guy, right? You guys screwed, and you got attached. But he broke your heart," Peter spoke.

I gazed at him slack-jawed.

"H-how'd you---"

"See, I knew it. You said so yourself that you were way too into the guy. I'm guessing dinner that night at his place hadn't gone well?"

Ella glanced back and forth between me and Peter, looking utterly appalled.

"Why am I just hearing this now?", she inquired.

"I was going to tell you, Ella. But like Peter said, we had dinner at his place one night, and the next morning, I ended things with him," I said, swirling my margarita glass around.

"Why?" She raised a brow.

"He couldn't be in a committed relationship with me. There's a woman--Veronica--whom he used to be engaged to."

"Ah, I see. He can't let go of his first love," Peter mused.

I sat up straighter in my chair, leaning in close to the table.

"It's more complicated than that, actually. Antonio told me that the reason he can't be in a relationship with me is because something happened in the past with Veronica. Something that he takes full blame for," I spoke.

"Geez, this is messier than I thought. He didn't tell you anything else?", Ella asked.

I shook my head.

"The man's a closed book."

"No kidding," Peter said.

"So, what will you do now?", Ella asked.

"Now, I just wait. I explicitly told him that if he wants to be with me, then he has to tell me about his past with Veronica."

"Yeah, I agree. I mean, if it weren't for her, you two would be a blissful couple by now." She sighed dramatically.

"Romantic as always, aren't you, El?", Peter teased.

"Of course." She smiled.

Two plates of wings and quesadillas later, I was absolutely stuffed. I was surprised nobody had to roll the three of us out the door. I regretted not wearing a looser top; it literally felt like the buttons on my blouse were going to pop any moment.

After hugging Peter and Ella good-bye, I climbed in my Jeep and began the short drive home. Rolling the windows all the way down, I breathed in the cool ocean breeze, letting it fan my face.

It was a beautiful, clear night, and all the stars were visible. If I weren't so sleepy, I'd take a detour and drive a few extra miles--nothing was more relaxing than driving with no destination in mind.

At eleven, I walked through the main entrance of my apartment building and took the elevator up to the fifth floor. The moment I stepped out, I strolled past a couple doors, nearing my own when I came to an abrupt halt at the sight in front of me.

There, slumped lifelessly against my door, sat Antonio.

At the sound of my approaching footsteps, he lifted his head, glancing in my direction, and I quickly rushed to his side. My heart raced in my chest as I bent down to face him.

And what I saw nearly stole my breath my away.

His cheeks were hollow, his eyes sunken and filled with despair. Since we first met, I'd never seen him without facial hair, but right now, the five o'clock shadow on his jaw only added to his haggard appearance. I didn't smell any alcohol on him, so he probably hadn't been drinking.

It was shocking to see him like this--Antonio was always so well put together.

"What happened to you?", I finally managed to utter.

To my surprise, he pulled me into his chest as a rush of air escaped my lungs.

"I can't stand it anymore," he muttered.

I gazed up into his brown eyes, and seeing the pain in them broke my heart.

"Stand what?"

"Being away from you."

He tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear, letting his hand linger on my cheek.

"Oh, Antonio..."

Our arms wrapped around each other in a tight embrace, and I breathed in the familiar, manly scent that I'd missed so terribly. For nearly two months, I'd simply been a mass of functioning organs getting by every single day, but now, in his arms, I came alive again.

"I drank myself into a stupor last Friday after you left," he mumbled into my hair.

"I had a glass of Merlot. Didn't get drunk, though."

He chuckled humorlessly.

"Let's go inside," I murmured, pressing an affectionate kiss to his jaw.

He nodded, offering me a hand as we both stood up from the ground.

"How long have you been out here?", I asked.

"Two, maybe, three hours."

Damn.

I reached into my purse for my keys then opened the door. Once inside, we made our way over to the couch and sat down, maintaining a respectable distance between the two of us.

I couldn't help but think back to what happened the first night he'd come over to my apartment. Heat rushed to my neck and cheeks as images of the delicious things he'd done to my body popped into my head. It'd been so long since we were together like that...

"What are you thinking about?", he asked.

"Nothing," I lied, bringing my knees up to my chest.

"You know, I haven't slept with a single woman since the morning you left me," he said solemnly, his eyes fixed on me. He had no idea how much I needed to hear those words.

"Really?"

"Really."

"I didn't sleep with anyone either," I offered.

He smiled a tormented smile.

"I know...God, seeing those tears stream down your beautiful face that morning, knowing I caused them...it killed me, mia bella."

"It wasn't your fault. I expected too much." My tone sounded more hostile than I'd intended, and I watched as Antonio's face crumpled.

"I deeply care about you, Sophia. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"Then why didn't you reach out to me? During our time apart?"

"I couldn't."

"Yet you still managed to go to Rio."

Tears began to well up in my eyes. Unlike me, his feelings probably only skimmed the surface.

"Rio was my buddy's idea. He said he was tired of seeing me mope around. I also thought going would help me to forget about you...but God knows you're unforgettable, Sophia."

"For weeks, I cried myself to sleep. I prayed you were suffering just as much as I was."

He sighed wearily.

"Believe me, I did."

For a moment, we were both silent. He stared at the coffee table while I stared at him. It was insane how much he'd physically changed since last Friday. The weight he'd lost didn't go unnoticed either.

"Why did you come here tonight?", I asked.

His eyes met mine, and he shifted to sit closer to me, taking both my hands in his. He took a deep breath before speaking.

"Years ago, I vowed that I'd never fall for a woman ever again...until I met you. My past is something I'm not proud of, but I'm willing to share it with you if it means I get to have you."

My hands tightened around his.

"Nothing you say will change how I feel about you, Antonio," I stated firmly.

He shook his head.

"You say that now, but once you hear---"

"Stop it. I'm not leaving you again. Please, just tell me."

He drew a long, deep breath, pulling my head down to rest upon his shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around his solid body.

"When we were together, I avoided getting too close to you only because I was afraid I'd hurt you," he spoke.

"You did hurt me...," I said softly.

A tear escaped my eye at the memory of how he'd left me all alone and naked in his bed after I'd discovered Veronica's role in his life. He wiped it away with his thumb, guilt masking his features.

"I know, baby. I'm so sorry."

I forced my emotions aside.

"Are you going to tell me what happened the night of Easter?"

He averted his eyes from me, staring down at his lap instead.

"That Sunday marked four years since the end of my engagement. I wanted to run to you so badly that night, but I couldn't possibly let you know the truth; you were out of town anyway.

"So, I walked down to the bar by my apartment, got fucking wasted, and ended up with two chicks in my bedroom. Then, you called..."

"Yeah...I did."

He shook his head in disgust.

"That night shouldn't have happened."

"But it's in the past now," I said gently.

He turned to face me, his eyes full of torment.

"God, how did I end up with a woman like you? You're literally an angel, and me...I'm a monster."

His words shook me to the very core, and I couldn't help but grow wary.

"W-what do you mean you're a monster?"

He exhaled sharply, becoming eerily still as his features hardened.

"Four years ago on Easter night, Veronica and I got into a huge fight. Two days before that, I'd caught her locking lips with one of her coworkers in his office. When I confronted her about it, she said that he'd been the one to make a move on her.

"But I refused to believe it. I was beyond furious--how could she cheat on me like this when our wedding was only a week away?"

Confusion swept over me. So far, I wasn't seeing how Antonio had any fault in this.

"Last Friday, you told me you couldn't be in a relationship because of what happened between you and Veronica," I commented.

"Yes. I did." He furrowed his brows together, studying my face.

"And you said that everything had been your fault. But I don't get how Veronica cheating on you is your fault."

"That's because I haven't finished telling you the entire thing," he said coolly.

"Oh, my bad. Keep going." My cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"So, we continued to fight. She tried to turn the whole thing on me and accused me of not being loving enough, saying how I never bought her flowers or gifts, all of that bullshit.

"I couldn't believe what an ungrateful bitch she was being. Did she not remember how much I'd sacrificed to be with her? By then, I was blinded by rage while she continued to scream at me; it was more than I could bear. Something struck in me, and I..."

He paused, shooting me a brief glance. His eyes had never looked more fragile.

"You what?", I pressed, touching his arm.

He inhaled slowly, turning away from me. His next words were spoken so quietly, I had to hold my breath to hear them.

"I pushed her, and she fell...down the stairs."

A horrified gasp escaped my lungs, and I covered my mouth with my hands, unable to speak.

In that one defining moment, all I could do was watch helplessly as Antonio broke down in front of me, his entire body shuddering with gut wrenching sobs. And I knew that years from now, it would be a sight I'd always remember.

Notes