Beautiful Thing

Never would I had thought that I would wake up next to Harry Styles in the morning. It was always a fantasy of mine I had when I went through my... I guess you can call it, "Missing Harry" phase; but as time moved along, it became more of a nightmare than a fantasy.

I cautiously removed myself from Harry's tight embrace, and tiptoed to the bathroom, then began gasping for air. When I entered the bathroom I shut the door quietly, then ran and released everything that was in my stomach into the toilet. I'm in over my head; feeling confused.

I'm losing my mind so much that I don't know what to do. I am a lonely person at heart. I need people, but my disorder prevents me from getting what I want at times; happiness. It's really sad how one day everything will go right, and the next, everything is so wrong. This was the ugly side of having an anxiety disorder.

I wiped my mouth with a towel that was left on the bathroom sink, then sat down on the bathroom floor and began to cry. I cry for the sole reason that I cannot accept any good in my life because I am too afraid it will backfire and hurt me. I want to be affectionate with Harry, I want to be with Harry, but with all this happening so fast, I just cannot accept it.

There is never any good, ever. I hate myself. I hate that I look at everyone and think they're out there to hurt me. I hate how I can't do normal everyday things like any normal person would do. Does it ever get better? Or do we just get used to it?

Harry knocking on my bathroom door interrupted my thoughts. "Tess... are you okay?" he asked sounding concerned. "Uhh, Y-yeah I'm fine! Don't come in, okay?" I tried to make my voice sound normal but with my stuttering and voice cracking, it blew my unconvincing cover. Harry obviously recognized it because he entered the bathroom. When he walked in and examined the state I was in, his eyes softened and had a sad look in them. Harry knelt down to sit in front of me. He then reached his hand out to push the strands of hair out of my face, and behind my ears. I kept looking away from him, not wanting him to see my pain.

"Tess," He breathed out. "Whats wrong?" he said as he caressed my face.

"Everything," my voice broke.

He furrowed his brows at me, "What do you mean everything?"

I sighed and began to cry, "Harry... we can never work. I just can't let anyone in and... I just-" I hiccuped, "you deserve someone to have feelings for you, without being afraid to express and feel it. I can't be that person for you." Harry seemed to be hurt by my response. I guess it's the one thing I'm good at, letting people down.

"What do you mean? Tess, please don't close up on me now."

"I mean exactly what I said, Harry. I have troubles opening up to people and a relationship of any sort will only hurt me in the end like always." I spoke a little louder.

"Tess... I know what you're feeling, well, I can understand it. I like you for all your flaws, your insecurities, and fears. If I didn't, I wouldn't have spent the past few months getting to know you and stayed the night with you. I don't but, I do care that you have an anxiety disorder. I want to take care of you, I want to be that person to make you feel better. I want to be the person you run to when your fears are overbearing your thoughts and actions. I want to be with you."

I take in Harry's beautiful speech to me, but it only made me cry harder. "I can't accept Harry. I'm just going to hurt you in the end. I cannot handle it. I hurt everyone around me. It's better if you just stay away."

Harry reached out and grabbed both of my hands. "Hey, shhh, don't cry. You won't hurt me, I promise. How about we take it slow. We did rush into this a bit quickly. Let's just take it step by step until both of us are comfortable with it. How does that sound?"

I thought about it for a moment. Is Harry willing to get hurt just to be with me? "Harry, am I really worth the risk?"

"This can develop into something beautiful or harmful to both of us in the end. But please, if you'd let me, I'd risk being hurt for my newfound feelings for you; to be with you."

I let everything he has said to me sink in. He doesn't care if I hurt or try to push away. He wants me. Me? Of all people. He's willing to take the risk. "But am I, Harry?" I pause again to think it through. "What would I lose? My overbearing thoughts of anxiety and fear?" I look up at him once again and breath out, "I think it's worth the risk as well."

All I could see was happiness spread through Harry's eyes. I couldn't help but feel happy as well when he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Thank you."

When he released me from his tight embrace I said, "Harry, I have agreed to this... dating agreement? I think that is what you would call it. But I ask one thing of you." Harry nodded. "We have to take this one step at a time like you said. I can be overwhelmed at times; like right now for example. I really need to take it slow at first so I can be comfortable. Is that okay?"

Harry smiled, "Of course it is, Tess." He then pulled me in for another hug.

I breathed in his scent and sighed happily. "Thank you for understanding, Harry."

Notes

I just want to thank everyone so much for reading this so far! It means a lot to me. I may not be the best writer but I have so many ideas in my head all the time that I just have to get them out somewhere!