Stay

My eyes opened slowly to the sound of birds chirping away outside. I rolled over and looked to see the other side of the bed as bare as it had been last night. The covers hadn’t been touched. I rolled back onto my back and placed my hands behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. I hope he was ok.

I felt so alone, as if I was the only person left in this world but not in a good way. I’d hoped to wake up from this nightmare but sadly it was reality. More than ever I wished I could be in his arms. Have him to hold and be held by. Have him to comfort and be comforted by.

I looked over at his side of the bed again and tried to picture him there, his nose wriggling as he stirred, his curls falling perfectly across his forehead, his eyes gently closed but slightly twitching. I rolled onto my stomach and stretched my arm over that side. If he were here I’d be holding him right now. Hugging Harry instead of the mattress, the pillow, the place he would be. How sad was this? Settling for imagining he was here while trying to embrace his side of the bed. I really was stupid. I rolled back over to face the other side in frustration. The birds seemed to mock me with their cheerful song. It was far from what I felt right now. Could they just go away? Could everything go away? I didn’t want to face the world and its stupid roller coaster of emotions it fed me.

I reached over to the bedside table and picked up my phone to check the time. 9.30 am. And no new messages. What an exciting life I led.

Despite the fact that I wanted to stay and just lay there forever I decided I should probably get up. I didn’t know when Harry would get back. It could be hours for all I knew.

I slowly dragged myself out of bed and made it up nicely for when Harry got back. It was the least I could do. I used the shower quickly and packed up all my things before going out to the kitchen and finding a bit of scrap paper to write a note on: “Harry, thank you for a lovely night last night. Wish it could have lasted longer. Love you lots, txt me –Claire xx”

I left the note on the counter in the kitchen before making sure everything was tidy and as it should be. Then I quietly let myself out the back door and locked it up before wandering down the lawn towards the gate. It was a nice morning. The sun wasn’t too bright; it lit the back yard nicely. The grass was still slightly wet with the morning dew and the trees swayed slowly in the breeze. As I reached the gate and placed a hand on the bolt I looked back up at the house. Last night I’d walked up the lawn to see Harry’s smiling face and this morning I was leaving to an empty window that was slightly reflecting the morning sun. I sighed a little as I gazed upon that window. I wished he could be here to say goodbye. It took me a while but I finally managed to tear my eyes from it and turn my back on the house before unbolting the gate. I gave the house one last glance before slipping through the gate and re-bolting it behind me.

I weaved my way through the trees, sighing on every second step. I was almost too scared to emerge into the park. I did like some security and right now the thought of entering the big wide world seemed quite daunting, almost like the first day of school. I felt like a little hopeless fish in a very big pond.

Slowly I reached the edge of the trees and looked out on the park. It was quiet, which was reassuring. I looked around making sure I was the only one there. Once I was convinced that I was alone I began to walk across the grass, looking down at my feet. I walked as quickly as possible even though I knew eventually I would come across people.

I didn’t stop once, always keeping my eyes on the ground and, when I reached the busy part of town I managed not to bump into anyone despite the fact that I wasn’t looking where I was going and was walking twice my usual speed. My fingers played nervously with the strap of my overnight bag as I continued on my way.

I reached Amy’s place in record time and let myself in quickly. She’d said she was going out early to do some errands and wouldn’t be back until lunchtime. I let out a sigh as I slumped down on the couch only to get back up again to place my stuff in my room.

I crawled onto my bed and sat with my back against the wall and pulled my legs up to my chest, hugging them tightly. I stared straight ahead and everything began to seep back into my mind. No matter how hard I tried to not think about it I could stop it when it came along. I seemed to be going in circles.

I sat on my bed for hours sometimes breaking down in tears then wiping them away only to start again. I sat there until Amy came home. When I heard the front door open I quickly grabbed my phone to make it look like I was doing something.

“Claire! You home?” Amy called.

“Yeah!” I called back.

I heard footsteps as she came to the doorway of my room.

“You all right?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said, still looking at my phone screen and pretending to scroll through my messages.

“Did you have a good night with Harry?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good,” she said and when I didn’t answer she left. I felt really bad for not talking to her properly. I knew she only cared about me and I didn’t want to push her away but I just didn’t want to talk too much about it.

I just felt so distanced from everyone and everything. I just wanted Harry back, is that too much to ask?

Notes