Stay

Worse day yet so far. That’s right, management got on to us about the break up the next day saying they wanted to get onto it as quickly as possible.

We got the call early. I tried so hard to stay strong for Harry because if this was what it was like for me then I can’t imagine what it’d be like for him, having all this pressure.

I’m also being pushed out of the house by order of management. Luckily I have my friend, Amy to take me in. We tried to be very quiet about it all by moving things in small lots to Amy’s apartment over the day.

I don’t know why they’re pushing so hard but it hasn’t been easy. We haven’t even had the chance to talk about it any more than we did yesterday. We’ve both gone silent in a way, occasionally exchanging a few words but nothing more. It’s as if we’re both too afraid to say anything to spare the other’s feelings. No one should have to live like this, with the fear of talking, being pushed apart.

Nevertheless we didn’t have a choice.

The evening was probably the hardest, knowing that I’d have to leave the next day. I was allowed to come over to Harry’s but I wasn’t allowed to be seen doing so. In other words, I couldn’t see him very often.

Harry had been putting off making the “break-up” public. I could see the pain in his face all through the day and when the time came before bed… well, that was moment when we were the closest we’d been all day, physically and emotionally.

I sat beside him as he turned on the laptop. The mood in the room was similar to that of when you put down an old pet.

As we waited for it to warm up I ran my fingers over the top of his hand, trying to say without words that I was here for him.

He logged into Twitter, his fingers shaking on the keys almost as if he was trying to resist what they were doing. He sat there staring at the screen, the little black line blinking at him in the new tweet box. I took his hand in mine and held it close to me.

“What do I do?” he whispered, his voice shaking.

“Harry, I…” I began.

“I… I can’t do this, Claire. I don’t want to,” he said, going to get up but I held on to his hand tightly so he couldn’t go anywhere.

“Harry, I know this is hard. I… I don’t know what to say I…” I said.

“Claire…”

“It’ll be ok,” I whispered because I knew I was very close to tears.

He nodded and sat back down, his fingers hovering over the keyboard before he began to type. I took my eyes from the screen, not wanting to see what he was saying. Instead I looked at his face, which was screwed up in pain, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Seeing him in a state like this hurt. I’d always loved to see him happy, I never wanted to see him like this and as I sat there I felt powerless.

As he sent the tweet the room went completely silent as if two pillows had been placed over my ears and all I could hear was my own rapidly beating heart. Harry closed the window quickly and closed the laptop, not bothering to turn it off.

Neither of us moved from our places, we just sat there holding each other’s hand as if for dear life. I couldn’t believe we’d just caved into all of this. We hadn’t even fought for our right to be together… but what else could we do? I didn’t say this out loud, of course, to spare Harry’s feelings. It’s just, I’d had this internal battle inside my head since we decided to give in and I’d tried so hard to think of ways out of it but now it felt more real than ever and I didn’t like it in the slightest.

Harry stood up, letting go of my hand and walked towards the hall, not saying a single word as he did so, his head hanging low.

As I sat there on the couch I heard the bathroom door shut and the shower start up. I reached for the laptop and opened it up. I clicked on the Internet symbol and came to the Google homepage. I was halfway through typing in a search for twitter when I thought better of it. Was I really going to go looking for something that was going to put me in a worse mood than I was already in? I’d learnt from previous experiences that it was never the best thing to do. I’d learnt to avoid. But here I was, about to go back to my old ways of searching… searching for confirmation that this was happening. Because despite the fact that it felt real I still didn’t fully believe it and I most certainly didn’t want it. The mind works in mysterious ways sometimes.
I closed the search window again, shutting the laptop in frustration. I hated this. I would never dream of putting anyone else through this. It wasn’t right.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Tears were welling but I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to fall apart for many reasons, one of them being I didn’t want Harry to see because I know he too would break down. He’d always been so empathetic.
I tried pulling myself together as best as I could and got up from the couch and I too made my way down the hall. The water was still running in the bathroom as I walked past on my way to our room.

As I couldn’t think of anything better to do I changed into my pajamas I’d left on the end of the bed and then pulled back the cover and slipped under them. I lay there for a long time. Eventually I heard the shower turn off and Harry make his way to the bedroom. I pretended to be asleep as he slipped in beside me.

I listened as he began to breathe evenly, a sure sign that he’d fallen asleep. Something that I was having trouble doing. As I lay there I began to think again. Think about everything that had happened up to this point. Think about what the future held. Think about Harry. And as I thought I couldn’t bare it any more. The tears that had been building up all day began to leak out and all my emotions with them. I just cried and cried. With frustration, with anger, with sadness, with grief.

As the endless flow of tears continued I felt an arm snake across my body and pull me closer.

“It’s ok, babe,” Harry whispered to me as he held me close. “It’s going to be ok.”

“Is it, Harry?” I asked, sounding as if I had a bad head cold.

“We’ll get through it, babe. They can’t keep us apart forever,” he said. “Please don’t lose sleep over it, babe.”

“Why can’t I stay? Why, Harry?” I said.

“I… I don’t know, babe. I wish you could but I promise I’ll try and see you as often as possible,” he said as he gave me a little squeeze.

“I love you, Harry,” I whispered.

“I love you too, Claire. More than anything or anyone,” he said. And those were the final words we exchanged, but he didn’t let go. He kept his arms around me. How I wished we could stay this way forever…

Notes