Stay

I must have fallen asleep after a while because I found myself lying on top of the covers, curled in a ball. My eyes were so puffy that I could barely open them. I had cried for a long time last night.

The curtains had been opened and the sky outside was looking bleak. I sat up slowly and stretched, yawning. My stomach rumbled and I looked down at it, realizing that I hadn’t had anything to eat since lunchtime the day before.

I got up slowly and dragged myself out of bed and down the hall but stopped when I heard a voice in the kitchen. It was Amy talking on the phone. I didn’t want to be around anyone at the moment and was just about to go back to my room when I heard my name mentioned and stopped to listen.

“Claire hasn’t been herself, Harry. She wouldn’t even talk to me last night, she wouldn’t come out of her room or eat or anything… I was just wondering if you knew any reason why that’d be,” I heard Amy say; she was obviously talking to him on the phone. “What happened, Harry?… But… but why? Why would she do that?… Harry, tell me what happened…” this seemed to be the longest pause yet and despite being in the hall I could feel the tension building as she waited for his side of the story. “She left her ring? And?… You what?!” suddenly her voice got louder. “What the fuck, Harry! Why’d you do that?! You know you’re still in a relationship no matter what management says! You can’t go fucking that other chick!… I don’t care what she did! I thought you had a little more sense! You know I’ve been trying to find a way to get you both out of this but do you think you really deserve that, Harry?! After what you’ve done!… No Harry, don’t bother, just fuck off,” and I heard her hang up and slam the phone down on the bench. The silence that followed seemed to tremble, as if her yells were still echoing.

I didn’t know she was doing that for us. She’s always been a good friend, but the grief I’ve put her through…

I slowly and quietly made my way back to the bedroom and slipped under the covers and hid away once more. About ten minutes later I heard her come in. I felt her eyes staring at the blankets that I was hidden under, heard her sigh and then close the door quietly once more. I listened carefully for the door out of the apartment to close before I sat myself up again.
I felt numb, like I wasn’t really alive. I felt like I was merely existing without a properly functioning mind and soul. Like an empty shell.

I slowly, without really knowing what I was doing, got out of bed and began to dress. I then went through my draws and pulled out anything I might need. Clothes, underclothes, toiletries, my wallet, everything. I had never really planned to do this but then again, somehow, I knew it was coming to this. I piled all of my things into an overnight bag and zipped it up. I didn’t know where I was going but I couldn’t stay any longer. I was putting stress on someone who didn’t need it.

I turned around once I’d reached the door that led out of the apartment and took in the lounge room in front of me. It had been a nice sanctuary but it was mine no longer. I placed a hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly, opening it wide and stepping out into the hall. I wasn’t going to leave note, I don’t think Amy will be seeing me again anyway. I closed the door behind me and made my way to the lift. It felt as if it took an age to get out of the building itself.

I stepped outside and stared at the street in front of me before beginning to walk. Where? Well, I had no idea.

As I walked, I came across places that I’d been with Harry and the pain came back all in one go. He’d kept saying all through this that a time would come when he’d be all mine again and there would be nothing and no one that could pull us apart. But I don’t think that’s the truth. Maybe he once believed it and maybe I did too. But the world is a cruel, cruel place and men… they’re even crueler. They say they love you… but do they? Do they really?

I continued along my way trying to ignore everything but the pain was growing to a point where I was afraid of what was going to happen next. I didn’t want to break down in the middle of the street, so I raced into the nearest shop for cover. I walked along the aisles, making sure to skip the magazine section. I turned the corner into the last aisle and walked along slowly. This was exactly what I was looking for.

I took three or so bottles from the shelf, not paying attention to what they were, not caring about the strength or the units. I just wanted something to numb the pain and this should do the trick. I walked to the counter and placed them down before taking out my card to pay for them before putting them into my bag and walking to the nearest park, which, I didn’t realise until now, happened to be Harry’s park. I made my way to the trees on the opposite side to the gate and went to sit under them, placing my bag at my side.

I pulled out the first bottle and opened it before pouring the liquid into my mouth. It took a few swigs before everything went fuzzy and nice. I continued to drink and as I did I forgot things, but I didn’t care, I just kept at it. After a while my eyes began to blur and return to focus at quite a fast pace. It scared me a little because I couldn’t see much and my head began to spin so I lay down on my side. As I did so I felt as if I was on a rolling ship out at sea. I always liked the sea, it was pretty… and blue… and wet… and cold… but in a nice… nice way.

I’d never been sea sick before but the ship was rocking so much that my tummy started rolling with it. I didn’t like it no no no I didn’t like it at all. Everything was coming up. Everything came out of my mouth and onto the deck. But it wasn’t a deck. Or maybe it was just a deck with grass on it. Heehee grassy deck. But grass didn’t grow on ship decks. But but maybe I was in a world where it could.

I pushed myself up and rubbed my hand over the grassy deck, trying to avoid the brown, yucky puddle of that stuff that came out. The grassy deck was nice, very nice and fuzzy Heehee. But my stomach felt bad again and it lurched and more came out. I didn’t like it, I wanted it to stop but more and more came out. I shook my head as it settled a bit, spitting some leftovers out.

I think it was finished so I moved backwards, away from the puddle and eventually I hit something behind me. It must’ve been the edge of the ship but I looked behind me and it seemed to be much taller. Maybe I wasn’t on a ship after all. Oh well, what did it matter? I leaned back against whatever it was and closed my eyes for a while. When I did, though, my head began to spin again. It spun quite fast but it did slow down after a little while and then everything went nice and dark and quiet.

Notes