Stay

I began to unpack and put everything away after lunch. Once I’d finished though, I had a feeling that I’d missed something. I went back to check all the stuff I’d put away and then went through all the stuff I’d packed the day before, in my head. And then it came to me.

I’d left my phone charger at Harry’s place. At first I thought I should call him but remembered that he was doing interviews and stuff so I decided to leave a message.

I dialed his mobile number and waited for the voicemail tone but I was surprised to hear him pick up.

“Claire?” he said.

“Oh, Harry, sorry if you’re busy but I was just going to leave a message. I left my charger at yours and I was just wondering if I could get it,” I said quickly.

“Yeah, sure, babe. I found it when I got home. It’s on the kitchen bench,” he said.

“Thanks, Harry,” I said.

“No problem, I’ll see you later ok?”

“Ok, love you.”

“Love you too.”

And we hung up.

I grabbed a coat and my phone and left the apartment. It had decided to rain just as I got down to the bottom, though and so I had to go back up to get an umbrella before heading out once more.

It took a little longer to get to Harry’s because of the wind and the rain meant that I was pushed back a little as I walked along. The park was deserted due to the weather and the grass was also a bit slippery so I took my time making my way across there. Eventually I reached his house, though and managed to stay dry enough.

The back lawn was quite soggy as I walked up to the door. Harry had always had a spare key in the pot by the back door so I was able to let myself in. I left my umbrella just outside door so I didn’t get the floor wet.

I looked along the bench as I walked into the kitchen and spotted my charger by the kettle, nicely wrapped up. I went over to grab it, placed it in my pocket and had intended to leave straight away but I spotted the empty containers and rubbish from last night. I sighed and shook my head before going to grab the rubbish, deciding to tidy up a little. I walked over to the bin and pressed the pedal to open the lid and was just about to put the rubbish in when I saw it.

I dropped the rubbish on the floor in shock and stare into the bin because lying on top of all the rubbish was a condom… a used condom.

My mind went into overdrive. It couldn’t be true, there had to be some other explanation. Why was there a condom in there? But then it occurred to me that the only reason it was in Harry’s bin, in Harry’s house was because Harry had used it. He’d never let any of the other boys do it in his house, not that they’d ever ask, they’re far too decent for that. And you never ever pick a used condom up off the street to put it in your own bin, that’s just disgusting. The only explanation was that he’d done it. And not just with anyone… with her.

A monster rose in my chest as I picked up the rubbish and chucked it in with extreme force on top of the condom and let the lid bang shut. I began to pace the length of the kitchen, running my fingers through my hair, almost pulling it out. How could he? How could he do that when we were still together? Hot tears began to prickle in my eyes and rolled slowly down my cheeks, burning like acid.

I kept pacing trying to calm myself, trying to keep the monster under control. I stopped by the back door. And stared straight ahead, breathing heavily… with anger. There’s no stopping the monster.

I wrapped my fingers around the purity ring and pulled it off with such force that it left a burn and screamed as I chucked it across the kitchen and it slid cleanly across the bench, so close to falling off but not quite.

He was the reason I was saving myself for the right time. One of the reasons anyway. I loved him from the moment I’d looked into his beautiful green eyes and had never stopped loving him since. I also vowed to never turn out like my mother. She used to be a prostitute. I never knew until just before she died. It was how she fed me after dad left. I got that purity ring to remind myself of my love and my promise. But I felt cheated. Who was I kidding, he had cheated. I sunk to the cold lino floor and placed my head in my hands and let the acid tears fall. I lost track of how long I sat there for but when I picked myself up my hair was stuck to my face, which was wet from the tears. I didn’t know exactly what I was planning to do but I found myself dragging my feet behind me as I walked over to the bench, took a pen and spare bit of paper and wrote on it three words: I trusted you.

I left it there beside the purity ring before running out of the house and out into the rain that was now bucketing down. I ran and ran, slipping and sliding over the grass, tears now mixing with the rain. It wasn’t until I was almost home that I realised I’d left the umbrella at Harry’s but I didn’t care. That didn’t matter right now. All that mattered was that I got as far away as possible… that I got home.

I reached the apartment and didn’t know what to do from there. I just stood facing the empty living room, not really seeing it. I wanted to escape all my thoughts because all I could think about was Harry and what he’d done.

All that I could think to do was have a shower and then lock myself away from the world… which is exactly what I did. I didn’t answer when Amy came home and knocked on my door over and over again. I stayed there for hours, never sleeping just sitting there, staring at nothing. I sat there deep into the night. Amy had since come back and tried to get me out of my room and eat something. She, at one point, tried to get me to just tell her what was wrong but I wasn’t telling, I didn’t want to think about it myself.

Eventually she gave up and went to bed and I was left to my thoughts once more.

Notes