Alive
Chapter 1
“Ariel?” Jay snaps her fingers in front of me and I blink a few times, coming back to reality. “Dude, are you okay? You’ve been zoning out the past ten minutes.” She laughs and I force myself to laugh as well.
“Yeah, I’m good. I should probably go. I told Harry that I would have dinner with him.” I grab my shoulder bag and stand up from the chair.
“Hey, don’t forget you guys have a performance in New York this weekend.” Our manager reminds us, however, it’s not really reminding us. She’s barely telling us now.
“I’m sorry?” I furrow my eyebrows. “This Saturday? Why would you barely tell us now? I promised my sister I would be there for her birthday.” My sister turns twenty-one this Saturday and she’s doing like this little party for just family and friends. She’s not doing anything big only because, well she has a child.
“Yeah, well I’m telling you right now.” God, I fucking hate this manager. She was so nice in the beginning and now, she’s turned into a complete bitch. I can’t do anything with my life anymore without management trying to control it. I can’t do anything about it, though. I’m under contract still which fucking sucks.
“Whatever,” I mutter, shaking my head. I leave the stupid office and walk into the elevator. I don’t wait for anyone like I usually do. I reach the lobby and leave the stupid building.
“Ariel!” Liz calls after me and I turn around before unlocking my door. Liza is my best friend in the band. I’ve known her since seventh grade and she’s always had my back. “Hey, where are you going?” She’s breathing heavily and I have no idea why. She literally took her time walking over here.
“I’m going to my house. What’s up?” I arch my perfectly right eyebrow and she clears her throat.
“Do you wanna have lunch? I need to talk to you just us two.” She glances behind her and then, looks at me again. Lunch with Liza sounds fun and Harry and I aren’t meeting till later so might as well kill time.
“Sure, hop in.” I swing the driver door open and climb into my black Range Rover. Liz climbs into the passenger seat and I shove the key into the hole, starting up the ignition. We both buckle ourselves up and I peel out of the parking spot. The ride to Cabana Cafe is driven in silence. It’s comfortable silence. Liz and I haven’t had a day like this to ourselves. As much as I wanted to go home and sleep, I need to talk to her. I get to the cafe and park in the nearest parking spot that I can find. I don’t need to make like reservations because Harry and I come here a lot. They obviously know who I am already.
“What are you getting?” Liza asks while looking at her menu.
“The caesar salad,” I’m not much of a healthy person, but the salad is the only thing I like here.
“Same,” Liz agrees and the waitress shows up. We both get caesar salads and fresh lemonades. The waitress takes our menus and leaves. “I’m breaking up with Calum,” She blurts out and I almost spit out my water.
“What?” I cough, cleaning spit off of my chin with my napkin.
“I’m gonna break up with Calum.” She repeats slowly and I’m freaking confused.
“Why? You guys are in love,” They’ve been dating for about three years now. She matched me up with Ashton. We dated for a year and a half. I broke up with him and this is not about me, moving on.
“It’s not the same anymore. It’s been amazing and he will always be my first love. I just can’t do this anymore. This isn’t me. I’m ready to accept who I am. Ariel, I’m a pansexual.” Oh my god, this is the first time that she’s telling me this. “That spark isn’t there and we’re getting older. I look back and I realized that I never wanted this. I didn’t want to be in a band. I didn’t want to be with someone like Calum. I don’t want to be controlled by management anymore.” She rakes a hand through her hair.
“How long have you been thinking about this?” I never knew that she felt this way and that makes me a bad friend. She has been looking a little down, lately.
“Dude, remember when we were kids? We both wanted to be in the music industry. You wanted to stand for something. You wanted your music to speak for you. I wanted to tour with the biggest names in the industry. I wanted to donate to a lot of charities. We both wanted huge things and we never got them because we let this get to us.” She chokes a bit and I can see her eyes starting to tear up. “I get it, if it wasn’t for this band, we wouldn’t be where we are today. It’s time for me to start thinking about myself. It’s not as exciting as it used to be. I’m losing myself and that’s the last thing I want.” Liz clasps her hands together and stares into my eyes.
“So you’re leaving the band?” This was something I never expected.
“Yeah, I got offered a solo contract from Capitol Records. They’re offering me so many great things. I’m gonna take it.” I’m not mad at her. I’m actually on the same boat as her. I bend down and take out the medium sized packet, sliding it over to her.
“Columbia Records offered me a solo contract. I get to do four albums. I get to tour whenever I want. I get to be me. Who doesn’t want that, right?” It’s been two months since they offered me that contract and I’m still thinking about it. The last thing I want is to hurt the girls. I don’t want to seem selfish.
“Dude, this is fucking amazing. Are you gonna take it?” Her eyes widen and she looks through the papers.
“I don’t know. You’re leaving already. I don’t want to let them down.” I sigh, tugging my bottom lip in between my teeth.
“You think they care about us? All Jay cares about is having sex and getting those solo verses. Michelle doesn’t give a shit either. You write half of the songs and you barely get any recognition. It’s time to start being selfish, Ariel. Do this for you,” Wow, she’s so determined. “I can see it in your eyes. You’re not happy anymore.”
“I’m really scared,” I whisper, fiddling with my fingers.
“I know you are. I am too, but you never know if you don’t do it. It could be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to you. You’re losing yourself and I’d hate for you to go down that route.” She visibly swallows hard and I do too. I don’t know what to say. She makes good points and yeah, I am sad. I pretend to be happy so people don’t question it. It’s getting exhausting, though. How long before I can’t take it anymore? I don’t feel as alive as I used to feel. It feels like I’m dragging myself out of my bed to go to work. I never wanted that. It’s not the success and happiness I’ve always wanted. What the hell do I do?
“Hey,” I greet Niall, setting my bag down. “Are you guys ready for the big performances?” I wiggle my eyebrows, holding back a wide smile.
“Kinda, it’s been five years and I haven’t gotten used to it.” He seems like his usual bubbly self.
“I know how you feel.” My eyes widen and Niall laughs loudly.
“There’s my girl,” A pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and Niall playfully groans. I turn around and peer up at Harry. Sometimes, I really hate being short. “How are yeh, pretty girl?” Harry rubs the small of my back and I shrug my shoulders.
“Sleepy,” I blink slowly and he chuckles, bending down to be my size. He presses his forehead against mine.
“M’sorry, baby. I wanted yeh t’come.” He pouts and I nod my head slowly. Our love story is a bit weird. I fell in love with him when I was with Ashton. I broke up with Ashton for Harry. I know, I’m a horrible person. Harry was always there for me when Ashton wasn’t. I was stupid. I forgave Ashton for cheating on me, can you believe that? I was just a young girl who was in love with reckless behavior. Now, as I’m getting older, I’m trying to get my shit together.
“I know and I did. I wouldn’t miss any of your performances for the world unless I was doing one then I would miss it.” Harry and I have a special kind of relationship. We joke a lot with each other and he’s so caring towards me. I’m truly blessed to have him in my life. It’s like having a best friend and a boyfriend at the same time. It’s wonderful.
“Harold! Come on, we’re going on stage!” Liam calls out and Harry chuckles, ignoring him. He continues to gaze into my eyes and I honestly could stare into his eyes for a million years. They’re so beautiful.
“See yeh after?” He raises his perfectly shaped eyebrows.
“Always,” I rake my hand through his perfect, long hair.
“Love yeh,” He says softly, inching his lips towards mine.
“Love you more,” I breathe out and press my lips to his. Each time we kiss, he steals a piece of my heart and my whole breath away. We kiss for a few seconds and he’s about to slip his tongue into my mouth, although Liam interrupts us once again. Dammit, Liam!
“Harry!” He sounds irritated which makes Harry laugh.
“Good luck, my rockstar.” I can never hold back a wide smile when I’m around Harry. He’s the only one besides Liza, my fans, and my family making me happy right now.
“Bye baby,” He pecks my lips once more before running towards the other boys. My smile disappears as soon as he’s gone. I felt all my energy being drained out of my body. It felt like I was drowning. I was a walking corpse with a heart full of so much pain and sadness. All I wanted was to feel alive. All I wanted was to be myself again.
“Yeah, I’m good. I should probably go. I told Harry that I would have dinner with him.” I grab my shoulder bag and stand up from the chair.
“Hey, don’t forget you guys have a performance in New York this weekend.” Our manager reminds us, however, it’s not really reminding us. She’s barely telling us now.
“I’m sorry?” I furrow my eyebrows. “This Saturday? Why would you barely tell us now? I promised my sister I would be there for her birthday.” My sister turns twenty-one this Saturday and she’s doing like this little party for just family and friends. She’s not doing anything big only because, well she has a child.
“Yeah, well I’m telling you right now.” God, I fucking hate this manager. She was so nice in the beginning and now, she’s turned into a complete bitch. I can’t do anything with my life anymore without management trying to control it. I can’t do anything about it, though. I’m under contract still which fucking sucks.
“Whatever,” I mutter, shaking my head. I leave the stupid office and walk into the elevator. I don’t wait for anyone like I usually do. I reach the lobby and leave the stupid building.
“Ariel!” Liz calls after me and I turn around before unlocking my door. Liza is my best friend in the band. I’ve known her since seventh grade and she’s always had my back. “Hey, where are you going?” She’s breathing heavily and I have no idea why. She literally took her time walking over here.
“I’m going to my house. What’s up?” I arch my perfectly right eyebrow and she clears her throat.
“Do you wanna have lunch? I need to talk to you just us two.” She glances behind her and then, looks at me again. Lunch with Liza sounds fun and Harry and I aren’t meeting till later so might as well kill time.
“Sure, hop in.” I swing the driver door open and climb into my black Range Rover. Liz climbs into the passenger seat and I shove the key into the hole, starting up the ignition. We both buckle ourselves up and I peel out of the parking spot. The ride to Cabana Cafe is driven in silence. It’s comfortable silence. Liz and I haven’t had a day like this to ourselves. As much as I wanted to go home and sleep, I need to talk to her. I get to the cafe and park in the nearest parking spot that I can find. I don’t need to make like reservations because Harry and I come here a lot. They obviously know who I am already.
“What are you getting?” Liza asks while looking at her menu.
“The caesar salad,” I’m not much of a healthy person, but the salad is the only thing I like here.
“Same,” Liz agrees and the waitress shows up. We both get caesar salads and fresh lemonades. The waitress takes our menus and leaves. “I’m breaking up with Calum,” She blurts out and I almost spit out my water.
“What?” I cough, cleaning spit off of my chin with my napkin.
“I’m gonna break up with Calum.” She repeats slowly and I’m freaking confused.
“Why? You guys are in love,” They’ve been dating for about three years now. She matched me up with Ashton. We dated for a year and a half. I broke up with him and this is not about me, moving on.
“It’s not the same anymore. It’s been amazing and he will always be my first love. I just can’t do this anymore. This isn’t me. I’m ready to accept who I am. Ariel, I’m a pansexual.” Oh my god, this is the first time that she’s telling me this. “That spark isn’t there and we’re getting older. I look back and I realized that I never wanted this. I didn’t want to be in a band. I didn’t want to be with someone like Calum. I don’t want to be controlled by management anymore.” She rakes a hand through her hair.
“How long have you been thinking about this?” I never knew that she felt this way and that makes me a bad friend. She has been looking a little down, lately.
“Dude, remember when we were kids? We both wanted to be in the music industry. You wanted to stand for something. You wanted your music to speak for you. I wanted to tour with the biggest names in the industry. I wanted to donate to a lot of charities. We both wanted huge things and we never got them because we let this get to us.” She chokes a bit and I can see her eyes starting to tear up. “I get it, if it wasn’t for this band, we wouldn’t be where we are today. It’s time for me to start thinking about myself. It’s not as exciting as it used to be. I’m losing myself and that’s the last thing I want.” Liz clasps her hands together and stares into my eyes.
“So you’re leaving the band?” This was something I never expected.
“Yeah, I got offered a solo contract from Capitol Records. They’re offering me so many great things. I’m gonna take it.” I’m not mad at her. I’m actually on the same boat as her. I bend down and take out the medium sized packet, sliding it over to her.
“Columbia Records offered me a solo contract. I get to do four albums. I get to tour whenever I want. I get to be me. Who doesn’t want that, right?” It’s been two months since they offered me that contract and I’m still thinking about it. The last thing I want is to hurt the girls. I don’t want to seem selfish.
“Dude, this is fucking amazing. Are you gonna take it?” Her eyes widen and she looks through the papers.
“I don’t know. You’re leaving already. I don’t want to let them down.” I sigh, tugging my bottom lip in between my teeth.
“You think they care about us? All Jay cares about is having sex and getting those solo verses. Michelle doesn’t give a shit either. You write half of the songs and you barely get any recognition. It’s time to start being selfish, Ariel. Do this for you,” Wow, she’s so determined. “I can see it in your eyes. You’re not happy anymore.”
“I’m really scared,” I whisper, fiddling with my fingers.
“I know you are. I am too, but you never know if you don’t do it. It could be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to you. You’re losing yourself and I’d hate for you to go down that route.” She visibly swallows hard and I do too. I don’t know what to say. She makes good points and yeah, I am sad. I pretend to be happy so people don’t question it. It’s getting exhausting, though. How long before I can’t take it anymore? I don’t feel as alive as I used to feel. It feels like I’m dragging myself out of my bed to go to work. I never wanted that. It’s not the success and happiness I’ve always wanted. What the hell do I do?
“Hey,” I greet Niall, setting my bag down. “Are you guys ready for the big performances?” I wiggle my eyebrows, holding back a wide smile.
“Kinda, it’s been five years and I haven’t gotten used to it.” He seems like his usual bubbly self.
“I know how you feel.” My eyes widen and Niall laughs loudly.
“There’s my girl,” A pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and Niall playfully groans. I turn around and peer up at Harry. Sometimes, I really hate being short. “How are yeh, pretty girl?” Harry rubs the small of my back and I shrug my shoulders.
“Sleepy,” I blink slowly and he chuckles, bending down to be my size. He presses his forehead against mine.
“M’sorry, baby. I wanted yeh t’come.” He pouts and I nod my head slowly. Our love story is a bit weird. I fell in love with him when I was with Ashton. I broke up with Ashton for Harry. I know, I’m a horrible person. Harry was always there for me when Ashton wasn’t. I was stupid. I forgave Ashton for cheating on me, can you believe that? I was just a young girl who was in love with reckless behavior. Now, as I’m getting older, I’m trying to get my shit together.
“I know and I did. I wouldn’t miss any of your performances for the world unless I was doing one then I would miss it.” Harry and I have a special kind of relationship. We joke a lot with each other and he’s so caring towards me. I’m truly blessed to have him in my life. It’s like having a best friend and a boyfriend at the same time. It’s wonderful.
“Harold! Come on, we’re going on stage!” Liam calls out and Harry chuckles, ignoring him. He continues to gaze into my eyes and I honestly could stare into his eyes for a million years. They’re so beautiful.
“See yeh after?” He raises his perfectly shaped eyebrows.
“Always,” I rake my hand through his perfect, long hair.
“Love yeh,” He says softly, inching his lips towards mine.
“Love you more,” I breathe out and press my lips to his. Each time we kiss, he steals a piece of my heart and my whole breath away. We kiss for a few seconds and he’s about to slip his tongue into my mouth, although Liam interrupts us once again. Dammit, Liam!
“Harry!” He sounds irritated which makes Harry laugh.
“Good luck, my rockstar.” I can never hold back a wide smile when I’m around Harry. He’s the only one besides Liza, my fans, and my family making me happy right now.
“Bye baby,” He pecks my lips once more before running towards the other boys. My smile disappears as soon as he’s gone. I felt all my energy being drained out of my body. It felt like I was drowning. I was a walking corpse with a heart full of so much pain and sadness. All I wanted was to feel alive. All I wanted was to be myself again.
Notes
Hey guys! I'm Alina and this is my very first story! I hope you guys enjoy reading it. All the feelings that the character portrays are based off of me. Don't be afraid to leave any sort of feedback! Thank you guys for reading!
