It's Been A While

Zayn is aware of the lights on his face. He is aware of the camera flashes going off all around him. He is aware that there are about a dozen people in the crowd screaming his name. He is aware of Gigi's fingers pressing into his arm. He is aware of the mic literally being pushed into his face. He is aware that he is walking the red carpet of an award show. But he doesn't care.

All he can actually hear and register is the deep, slow voice behind him talking. He would recognise that voice anywhere. Yet he is afraid to turn around and look. Not to confirm that it really is who he thinks it is, but to just look. Hell, he doesn't need to confirm anything. He is willing to bet his life on it.

"Zayn, you good?" Gigi's nails digging into his skin are almost painful but they do the trick and he looks at the interviewer in front of him. He has lost his train of thought long back, exactly as soon as he heard the voice first and now he probably looks like a complete fool. But he doesn't care about that either. He mumbles a weak apology and a flirty wink at the lady with the mic and she is ready to let him go.

He barely even breathes as an usher leads them to their seats, Gigi still looking confused as ever. He thinks he might have a panic attack, but those haven't occurred in a long time. A part of him wants to leave the venue at the very moment and just go home and smoke a bunch of cigarettes. The other part, the part which did whatever his brain objected to, wants to stay. Stay and meet him. That urge is so freaking bad, worse than any cigarette craving he's ever had.

"Great! Kendall's sitting with us!"

He is momentarily distracted by Gigi's excited squeal and looks around at what she is pointing at. It isn't Kendall's name that draws his attention. It's the one next to hers. Harry Styles. Alarm bells go off in his head. Which organiser in their right minds would put him and Harry in the same table? It's obviously a mistake. Zayn makes up his mind to talk to someone in charge and have their seats changed.

"You're okay with Harry, right?" Gigi asks.

Zayn hates being a problematic person, he hates to draw attention to himself at public events or anywhere at all. Gigi is nice enough and lets him have his space. That's far more than he'd got from Perrie, who used to crowd him to death. He doesn't want to launch into an explanation of why he wants their places changed because only a couple of weeks back he told her that he is cool with his ex-bandmates and left Harry completely out of the equation. Fucking hell! He is stuck between a rock and a hard place. "Cool," he replies, seeing no immediate way out of his situation.

"Gigi!" Kendall ambles towards them, like the huge burst of energy she always is. She hugs her best friend and plants a smacking kiss on Zayn's cheek. "Zayn, I'm still annoyed at you for missing my birthday party." She pouts prettily.

"Sorry," Zayn grunts. He hadn't attended the party for the same reason he wants to escape tonight, to avoid Harry. The said person is standing right in front of him, next to Kendall, his green orbs looking straight into Zayn's soul. His heart lurches and settles somewhere in his throat, somewhere utterly painful. He can't speak, he can't breathe. He feels the world close around him, and for a minute he can't focus on anything except Harry. But that's how it has always been for Zayn. When Harry is around, everything else ceases to exist for him.

"Hey Zayn," Harry says, extending his hand for a shake. He looks slightly unsure, which is totally unlike Harry. But it does give Zayn a little respite from his nerves.

"Hi," he chokes out, taking Harry's hand. They barely shake and let go of each other in an instant. Zayn can feel tingles all over his body. Jesus Christ, he was not going to survive the night.

Kendall smiles at the two of them and pushes Harry into her own seat, which is right next to Zayn. "Aww why don't you two catch up?" She then scoots to the seat next to Gigi as Harry sits down with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

Zayn isn't sure whether Kendall is being intentionally obtuse or doesn't really care about anything else except what she thinks is right. He knows she isn't stupid, she's as smart as Gigi and he also knows that both of them find is awfully funny to hide this fact. Maybe it has something to do with modelling. Or maybe it has something to do with being girls.

"You look good," Harry whispers, as the program on stage starts. He won't talk loud because he is Harry and Harry is always proper and it's considered rude to shout when in a show. So basically Harry's mouth is only a couple of inches from his ear which makes him terribly uncomfortable. It also reminds Zayn of all those years on tour when the two of them would whisper on stage, sharing jokes, laughing at stuff and discussing things in between songs that had nothing to do with the concert.

He just nods and clenches his jaw to stop himself from turning his head and staring at Harry's face.

"That's the best you can do?" Harry goads him. "Two years of silence isn't enough for you?"

Zayn wants to snap back, to tell him that Harry was the one who hadn't responded to his calls and texts until Zayn had finally given up. But he doesn't say anything. He knows that any public argument with Harry would result in more people hating on him, saying what a selfish little prick Zayn is, acting like a jerk when Harry is only trying to be friendly. Everything always ended up being his fault. He leans back from Harry to get a sensible amount of distance and whispers back, "Can you not?"

It doesn't deter Harry. "I heard you made up with Louis too. That hurt me a bit, I'll admit. I can't believe I'm the last on your list. Are you mad at me? Why are you mad? I should be the angry one. You left, remember?"

Normally, Zayn would find Harry's slow drawl soothing. One could actually fall asleep to the sound if his voice and Zayn distinctly remembers doing so more than a few times. But not today. He is hyperaware of Harry and his voice today. "I'm not mad," he says.

"Liar." Harry shuffles in his seat so that his knee is touching Zayn's and for a moment he is sure that Harry is doing this purposely. "You were always a bad one."

"You were worse."

"What would it take for you to at least look at me?"

"This is inappropriate." Zayn has no clue why he's engaging with Harry. He should keep quiet and let Harry ramble on. But its been so long and it feels good hearing him talk and talking to him, even if it was snapping comebacks.

"You never seemed to care about that before." Harry leans closer and this time Zayn can actually feel his breath against his ear. He sighs and turns to Harry with the firmest glare he can manage.

"Stop it!"

Harry shrugs his shoulders. "Stop what?"

"I know you're doing this to rattle me. I won't be rattled."

"I just want to talk."

Gigi places a hand on Zayn's arm to get his attention and then leans in and whispers. "They are announcing your category, Zayn. Shhh!"

Zayn looks up at the stage where they really are announcing his category - Best Breakout Artist. He feels his nerves returning as he sees the nominees. Who is he kidding? He isn't going to win. The Chainsmokers had a far better year than him and if he is honest with himself, he doesn't really want to beat Niall. He'd rather not win than win against Niall. Yet there are butterflies in his stomach as he watches the stage expectantly.

"Chill out!" Harry says. "It's going to be a piece of cake for you." He whips his head at Harry in surprise and at the same time, the announcer says , "Its Zayn Malik!" He knows the cameras are all around, panning onto his face. His eyes meet Harry's who's grinning fully and before he knows what he is doing, Harry is hugging him. Zayn knows its a mistake as soon as Harry's arms close around him and he pats his back thrice. "Well done, man!" Harry says before letting go.

Zayn nods and turns, placing a kiss on Gigi's cheek, he has no recollection of how he walks up to the stage, accepts his award and delivers his speech. He climbs down the stairs again to reach his seat, barely managing to acknowledge the pats he got on the way. He is aware of Harry's gaze burning into his back, but he ignores it completely. Handing Gigi the silver trophy, he whispers into her ear, "I'm heading out for a smoke."

The best thing about Gigi is that she understands when he needs a time out and she gives him that without any questions asked. He is breathing heavily by the time he reaches the dingy looking exit area. Several security guards give him weird looks but he knows that's to be expected. People always look at him a certain way as if he is an explosion waiting to happen. He has learnt to get used to it because he knows it's not going to change. Maybe it is his religion or it's the way he looks, he doesn't really care anymore. Too much of shit has gone down in his life to actually give a crap about what people thought of him.

He lights up and as the smoke swirls around him, he closes his eyes and feels sane again. He can't believe he's survived being in a room with Harry for longer than five minutes. He must be stronger than he gives himself credit for. Because to him, Harry is irresistible. He is this person who everyone loves, everyone wants to be with, the one with impeccable manners and even though he has the most horrible sense of humour, people still laugh at his jokes because he is Harry freaking Styles. Zayn remembers being annoyed by how easy life seemed to be for Harry when they had just met. A quick flash of his dimples and he'd have everyone right under his spell and to make matters worse, Zayn hadn't been an exception to the general rule. There was a time when Zayn would have given Harry the sun and the moon if he'd asked, he'd have given up everything for him in a heartbeat. But not anymore. Not since Harry had refused to answer his calls and texts.

When he'd left One Direction, he'd expected Louis to be furious, to not speak to him for a while. Louis had been his best friend after all, they'd had the kind of friendship where they would stick up for each other in the worst situations, so Zayn understood why Louis would see his departure as a betrayal of that bond. He'd known Liam would be okay with it because Liam was the mature one, he had the capacity to look at situations from the other person's point of view and he was considerate enough to let things go. Niall was upset, of course but he'd eventually come around. He had the happiest disposition amongst the five of them and he wasn't going to sulk away because something didn't go his way.

The only person Zayn had counted on to understand his situation and openly support him was Harry. He had told Harry everything. He'd told him how he felt suffocated, how the music wasn't doing anything for him anymore, how he didn't like the restraints they were put in, how the constant touring, performing and public appearances were exhausting. He'd told him about his eating disorder and how he just wanted some time off. Harry had promised to be there for him. He hadn't kept his word.

"Hey!"

Zayn jumps at Harry's voice behind him and almost drops the smoke on his shirt. Dammit! He takes two steps back as Harry comes and stands next to where Zayn is leaning against the wall. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought you'd like some company," Harry says, as if not really sure of himself.

"Did it ever occur to you that I came here because I didn't want any company?" Zayn doesn't know what Harry wants from him now. Hell, he doesn't even want to know.

"Yeah, it did occur to me." "Yet you can't take the hint." Harry ducks his head for a moment, then in a move that is completely unlike him, he tugs the cigarette from Zayn's fingers and takes a drag. He coughs a little as the smoke comes out of his nose, but still doesn't stop. He takes a couple more drags and coughs even more loud until Zayn's had enough and he snatches his smoke back.


"What the fuck are you doing, Harry?" Zayn's really furious now, watching Harry cough and rub his chest. He gives up on the tough act and claps Harry on the back, proceeding to rub his back till he's stops coughing. When he's done and wiping his eyes on his sleeve, Zayn gives him a shove. "Get out of here, man!"

Harry looks at him through his green eyes, his hair slightly disheveled and cheeks and nose red from all the coughing. "Thought I'd find out what you get out of smoking."

"Fuck off!"

"Why are you so angry at me?"

Zayn can't believe Harry's even asking him that. Why was he angry? He could start listing his reasons now and he'd still not be done by midnight. He'd probably hit Harry a few times in the middle of that list or maybe worse, start bawling like a child because the truth was that he's missed Harry. It hurts him even to look at him now, with his new hair and confident demeanour. Zayn felt like Harry had just let him go and become a better and more improved version of himself. "I said I'm not angry."

"You can hit me if you want to." Harry steps in front of Zayn so that they are standing only inches apart from each other. "Come on Zaynie, if it makes you feel better just hit me."

The nickname does him in. Zayn wants to kneel in front of him and cry. Cry for all the loneliness he'd felt in the past two years. Cry because he'd been so scared yet had been forced to out on a brave face. He doesn't though. The new Zayn was much more in control of his feelings. "I'm not going to hit you," he says, plastering himself against the wall to get as much distance away from Harry as possible.

Harry stares at him, the slight frown indicating that he was having some deep thought. Then, before Zayn can make a move, Harry steps forward and hugs him. It wasn't like the hug in the audience. This one is different. It is the kind of hug they would share in the old days when either of them had a rough day. It's the kind of hug that generally always made Zayn feel better in an instant. But he doesn't hug Harry back, instead he struggles against him to get away. But the more he fidgets, the tighter Harry holds on, till Zayn gives up and hugs him back. This is Harry, after all. He always gave the best hugs. Zayn's nose is pressed against Harry's pulse while Harry rests his chin on Zayn shoulder. They are so close to each other that even the light wind blowing around would not pass between them. Zayn isn't sure how long they stay like that, could be a few minutes, but to him it felt like an eternity. Then Harry clears his throat and lets go of him, turning away and running a hand over his face. Zayn doesn't miss the way he clears his throat a few more times before turning back to him.

"Are you going to cry?" Zayn asks, glad that it affected Harry the same way as him because he sure as hell fails to swallow the huge lump stuck in his throat.

Harry glares at him. "You're such an asshole."

"I'm the asshole?" Zayn asks as they settle back against the wall, this time shoulders touching each other.

"I was one, actually." Harry admits, looking properly ashamed of himself. "I didn't realize how much of an asshole I was until mum sat me down three days back and told me in no uncertain terms exactly what she thought of my behaviour. And trust me, there were many colourful words involved."

"I've always liked your mum," Zayn says and can't help the smile that comes naturally whenever he thinks of Harry's family. "And Robin. And Gemma of course, she's my absolute favourite."

"It would appear you prefer my sister over me."

Zayn snorts. "Any day of the week. She's the better Styles, remember?"

Harry laughs at the old joke. "She told me before I flew to New York not to break your heart. She said and I quote, 'don't make it worse that you already have, Harry.'" He gives Zayn a nudge. "She told me that you were finally doing really well and I didn't know what offended me more. That she knew more about my own bo..umm.. friend than I did or that she kept in touch with you for this long without telling me about it."

Zayn doesn't miss Harry's slip up on the word 'boyfriend' but decides to ignore it. This probably isn't the time or the place to talk about their estranged relationship. "She's been really nice to me," Zayn says about Gemma. "We met a couple of times when I was in London for Christmas."

Harry's eyes widen. "You fucking met and I never even knew?"

"Don't be jealous."

Harry snorts. "She gave me a copy of your album for Christmas."

"You heard it on Christmas?" Zayn had released his debut album in March and the thought that Harry had heard it nine months later, annoys him.

"No. I heard it the day you released it." Harry grins. "I downloaded it illegally."

"Shame on you."

"What?" Harry nudges him again. "I wasn't going to get caught buying your record."

"Cuz that would be the worst thing in the world," Zayn mutters, feeling highly offended.

"Can I just say your songs are exactly what I imagined they'd be like?"

Zayn doesn't know why but to him Harry's opinion is important and he gets annoyed that he is being cryptic. "Meaning what?"

"Meaning it's amazing, Zayn," Harry says. "Do you even need my approval?"

"Well.." They stay quiet a while after that, neither knowing what to say to each other anymore. Zayn finds it odd that they are at this stage where they can barely keep up a conversation. He was used to Harry talking nineteen to a dozen, while he listened to him. Sometimes he didn't understand the stuff that Harry was enthusiastic about - like he could go on for hours about candles and flowers and even odd clothing choices. To have Harry standing next to him without anything to say is quite unnerving for Zayn.

"So, was it as bad as the news said it was?"

Zayn knows exactly what Harry is asking but he isn't sure whether to tell him the details just yet. He'd met Louis in January when he'd been promoting his song in New York. Over beer and smoke, they'd discussed the horrible last two years. Louis had spoken about losing his mum and Zayn had told him about his anxiety and eating problem. He is better now of course, but Louis had looked stunned and then apologetic. Zayn doesn't want Harry to feel sorry for him. "I'm fine now," he says, hoping Harry would let it go.

"That's not what I asked, Zayn." Of course, he won't let it go. This is Harry.

"That's all I'm telling you."

Harry turns to him and lifts his hand to grip Zayn's shoulder. "I'd like to know."

"Why?"

"Because it matters to me."

"It didn't matter to you when it was actually happening." Zayn tries to keep the bitterness out of his voice, he tries really hard.

Harry looks proper sorry as he shakes his head and squeezes Zayn's shoulder. "I deserve that. But Zayn, I really want to know."

Zayn sighs. Yeah, he is going to tell Harry. "Yes, it was bad. Worse than the news reports."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." Zayn looks at him, knowing he needs to make sure that Harry understands that it wasn't his fault. "It had nothing to do with you, Harry. In fact, it would have happened sooner if you weren't there." "But I wasn't there when it did happen. I should have been there. For you."

Harry hits the heel of his foot against the wall behind him several times. "I'm so so sorry Zaynie."

There is that name again. "Don't be sorry," Zayn says again. "It's okay. I'm okay."

"Its not okay," Harry insists. "Its not okay, Zayn. I treated you so poorly. I should have known better, I should have done better."

Zayn would have thought it would be easy to lash out at Harry because he'd been so mad, so angry. But now, hearing him apologise and seeing the regret in his eyes, Zayn has nothing to say to him. He's always been a sucker for Harry. He knows he has already forgiven him. He knows that if Harry asks, he'll be willing to go back to right where they'd left off. "There's no turning back time, Haz."

"I thought you'd be turning up for the Radio One gig. You were in the line-up." Harry closes his eyes for a minute as if he's going back to that awful day.

"You were there?" Zayn is surprised at that. He'd spoken to Nick Grimshaw at length that day and Grimmy was really close to Harry.

"Niall and I were hanging out and he convinced me to go to your gig. I didn't need much convincing. Grimmy sneaked us in and then half an hour before, he came and said that you weren't going to perform and that you weren't doing well. Niall wanted to see you. Nick said no. He completely shut us down." Harry looks at him with a frown on his face. "Niall was bloody frantic. He called everyone he knows in Radio One to ask if he could see you but nobody agreed. You must have a really good team."

"It wasn't my team. It was Nick." Zayn had never liked Grimmy before that day mostly because he was too flirty was Harry. But that day, he'd seen a totally different side of the man that had made him respect him so much more. "He said nobody should see me like that. He sat with me for a long time till I felt better."

"You're talking about my Grimmy?"

Zayn can't resist the scowl that appears on face. "Yours, yeah. The very same."

Harry smiles a bit at his tone. It isn't a secret that Zayn and Grimmy had never gotten along. "He never even mentioned it to me. Not even once."

"He wants me to give him my first interview. We talk sometimes."

"Like now?"

Zayn frowns. "Yes now. Why are you so surprised?"

"Because he's never mentioned you." Harry pulls out his phone. "Not even once. I'm going to ask him right now."

Zayn grabs the phone from his hand. "What's it to you?"

"He's supposed to tell me when something happens around you. Anything and everything." Harry looks almost angry at Grimmy as he tries to grab hold of the phone from Zayn's fingers.

He laughs. "Why? Were you stalking me or something?"

"No. Not exactly stalking." Harry laughs too while pushing Zayn with his shoulder. "Yeah. I was. Every news article. Every tweet. Instagram. Even fucking facebook. Can you believe that? I literally had my google alerts on to your name. So one day, I was hanging out with Grimmy and he picked up my phone, saw my search history and he wouldn't stop giving me grief over it. I told him that I wanted to get in touch and didn't have the courage, so I was keeping track of you. Even then he didn't say a word. The bloody traitor."

Zayn feels his heart slamming against his chest at Harry's confession, but tries to keep it cool. "Thats kinda sad, Harry."

"Don't be mean." Harry gives him a mock glare.

"So tell me Zayn. What really happened?"

Zayn takes a deep breath. He knows he won't be able to avoid his questions. Harry is nothing if not persistent. "I saw the crowd outside and kinda freaked out. I couldn't believe that I would be going on stage without you four. It seemed like an impossible task and before I knew it, I couldn't breathe. I didn't know it was a panic attack. All I could think was I was dying and that was my last day on earth and that I had left you all for nothing."

"Shit." Harry lifts both his hands and clutches at his hair.

"Then I thought it was a one off thing until it kept happening everytime I had to go out in public. Yeah, it was pretty awful." Zayn looks at Harry who still looks crushed squeezes his shoulder. "None of this was your fault, Harry. I promise."

"You're a bigger person than me then."

"No, Haz. Come on. I'm doing much better now. I swear." Zayn doesn't know how he is the one consoling Harry at this point but he cannot bear to see him like this. "Don't look at me like that."

Harry's blinks his eyes twice and looks away. "Like what?"

"Like I'm damaged goods. Like I'm going to flip out at any minute."

"No. No. I'm just..." Harry trails off and shakes his head again. "I'm just so so sorry, Zayn."

"It's alright."

"You forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive." Harry pouts.

"That means you don't forgive me."

Zayn finds Harry adorable but he isn't going to say that to his face, is he? "You are unbearably irritating."

"But you love me anyway."

"You fucking wish."

"I fucking know."

"Harry..." Zayn begins, not in the least ready to admit his undying love for the smirking guy in front of him. Not that he didn't love Harry.

"You want to get out of here?" Harry asks.

"Gigi will kill me."

"Forget Gigi. Forget everything." Harry grabs his hand and pulls him away from the wall, not bothering to listen to his protests. Zayn is sure this is the point where his life starts to emulate the roller coaster that is Harry. But he can't help feeling the butterflies start up in his stomach - those which had been dead for two years straight.

Notes

My first fanfic. Please be kind. Comments and suggestions are most welcome.