Summertime & Butterflies

The journey north to the hospital was nothing more than a blur. As she drove, Stephanie kept looking sideways at Olivia, either expecting her to break down or throw up. Olivia was silent, sitting still as a statue. Her thoughts were scattered, unable to become intelligible. The hospital wouldn’t give Jeff any information on Harry’s condition, so her thoughts automatically assumed the worst.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do if…” she whispered out, unable to allow herself to say the horrible thoughts she was thinking. The fight between her and Harry kept replaying in her mind, the biting words they’d said to each other and the anger behind every jab. She couldn’t imagine those words being the last words they spoke to one another.

“You can’t think that way,” Stephanie told Olivia, reaching over and touching her knee reassuringly. “Just… try and be positive, okay?”

Olivia exhaled quietly. “I can’t lose him,” she said even quieter. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…” As she repeated the hushed words, she rocked back and forth in the seat, gripping her hands together, painfully squishing her fingers. “Please just drive faster, Steph,” she pleaded.

“I’m already going – okay!” Stephanie said to Olivia, stepping on the accelerator as her sister shot her a furious look. “I’m trying to get there as fast as I can, Liv… It won’t be long.”

Olivia ducked her head, gripping her fingers through her hair. “I don’t even know if he’ll want to see me,” she confessed to Stephanie, even though deep down, she knew it was a ridiculous notion. “Fuck… we said some mean things…” She exhaled softly. “I just need to tell him I didn’t mean any of it…” Olivia added, letting her head drop and allowing a few tears to fall.

“He knows,” Stephanie told her, still struggling to reassure her sister. “Just like you know. We’re almost there, kid,” she added, signalling as she switched lanes, following the signs to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. As it was early dawn, the parking lot was mostly vacant, making finding a close spot easy. She shifted the car into park and looked at Olivia.

“Do you want me to come with you?” she asked.

Olivia hesitated. In her frazzled mind, the only reason for Stephanie to accompany her inside would be to console her in the event Harry wasn’t okay. Feeling as though her sister’s company would be a bad omen, Olivia shook her head. “No,” she answered, not providing any reasons why, but also not needing to. “Thank you, though,” she added, unbuckling her seatbelt and grasping the door handle.

“Of course,” Stephanie answered, reaching across the car and pulling her sister into a one-armed hug. “I’ll go home, but… you let me know as soon as you know anything, okay? And everything will be fine,” she added, comfortingly stroking Olivia’s hair.

Olivia nodded, not reassured but hopeful. “I will,” she promised. “Thanks,” she added again before jumping from the car and hurrying down the sidewalk towards the emergency room entrance. She climbed the few dirty steps outside the tower as the automatic door noticed her presence and slowly opened. Olivia squeezed through before the door was fully opened and quickly glanced around the waiting room, searching for Jeff and Glenne.

Glenne spotted her first, jumping up from her chair and waving her arm. “Olivia!” she called out, quickly weaving through the rows of chairs to meet Olivia. Seeing her new friend approach with a worried look on her face was enough to set Olivia off, and she burst into tears, her head dropping against Glenne’s shoulders as she enveloped Olivia against her.

“Shh, shh…” Glenne soothed quietly, rubbing Olivia’s back. “It’s going to be okay. Just keep thinking it’s going to be okay.”

Olivia let herself sob for a few more moments before pulling away from Glenne and wiping her eyes. “Haven’t they told you anything yet?” she asked, sniffling.

Glenne shook her head. “They won’t, because we aren’t family,” Glenne answered. “Jeff has his assistant looking for this, I don’t know, power of attorney or some kind of document that they signed but she can’t find it! And it’s important!” she added, her voice shaking with frustration. “I don’t know where the hell he would have put it,” she added, huffing out a loud sigh.

“They won’t tell you anything?” Olivia repeated, furrowing her brow. “Because you’re not family? I mean, fuck, you practically are! I’m going to make them tell me something,” she added, turning on her heel and stomping to the reception desk. Two nurses who appeared to be Olivia’s mother’s age sat behind the desk, not looking up as Olivia approached them. She let out an exasperated huff before banging her fist against the desk.

“I need to know… what’s going on with my boyfriend…” she said to the nurses, struggling to keep her voice even, but a sob escaping as she called Harry her boyfriend and prayed he still was. One of the nurses raised her head, her face a mixture of sympathy and annoyance.

“Darlin’, I’ll tell you the same thing I told your friends,” she told Olivia, crossing her arms over the desk. “We can’t give out information unless you’re immediate family.”

“That’s bullshit!” Olivia yelped, her voice louder than she’d intended. The nurse jumped at her volume and Olivia reminded herself that she had to be kind to them in order to get information. “I’m sorry. But that’s bullshit,” she hissed out, lowering her voice. “He’s my boyfriend, and I don’t know if he’s okay or not and I don’t know what’s wrong and no one will tell me anything and I don’t know what happened and I just need to see him and know he’s oh-oh-okay!” Olivia choked out, her octave rising as she pleaded with the nurse. She gasped as she tried to catch her breath, bracing her shaking hands against the desk.

The second nurse, recognizing the signs of hyperventilation, came around the desk and put her hand on Olivia’s elbow. “Sit down,” she urged gently, nudging Olivia into a chair. Olivia obeyed, flopping into the chair and covering her face with her hands as she continued to sob. “Put your head between your knees… Good girl. Now inhale deeply through your nose… deeply… good… exhale through your mouth… That’s it… inhale… good… and exhale…”

Olivia followed the nurse’s directions, shakily breathing in and out. Glenne and Jeff had joined her, and Jeff was comfortingly rubbing Olivia’s back as she slowly calmed down. The nurse handed Olivia a paper cup of water, urging her to take small sips. When Olivia finished the water, she looked up at the nurse, a pleading look on her face. The nurse quietly exhaled.

“I’ll see what I can do…” she told Olivia, patting her gently on the shoulder before disappearing down the hall.

Olivia let out a long breath, dropping her head back and looking up at the ceiling. She wanted to believe that the nurse would be able to find someone to tell them what was going on with Harry, but she didn’t feel confident that anyone would tell her a thing. She felt helpless and scared as the minutes ticked by without anyone with authority coming to greet her. Her only solace was the quietness of the emergency room, and she kept reminding herself that if something bad was happening, chaos would ensue throughout the ward.

After many excruciatingly long minutes had passed, a middle-aged doctor with eyes that somehow reminded Olivia of Santa Claus approached the silent trio. He smiled at Olivia, holding his hand out to greet her. She jumped up from her seat, her stomach twisting and turning more than it ever had before. She felt sick; though something about the doctor reassured her.

“Hello,” he greeted, offering Olivia a warm smile as he shook her hand. “My name is Doctor Carter. I’m an orthopedic surgeon here at the hospital. I understand you’re having a bit of trouble getting some information on your partner’s condition.”

“Surgeon?” Olivia whispered in horror. “He needed a surgeon? Oh my God…” she moaned, covering her mouth with her free hand. Though terrified to ask, she timidly voiced her question. “Is he okay?”

Doctor Carter smiled, squeezing Olivia’s hand reassuringly. “He’s okay,” he assured her. Olivia felt her knees buckle at the doctor’s two simple words and she released his hand, covering her mouth with both hands.

“Really?” she asked, letting out a strangled sob. She dropped her head, relieved tears falling. Her entire body shook as she broke down, overwhelmed by the doctor’s news that her love was okay. She felt Glenne’s arm wrap around her waist, aiding in keeping her jelly-like legs from collapsing under her.

“What happened?” Jeff pressed, his own relief evident in his voice.

“A driver ran a red light up on Fairfax and T-boned the driver side of the car,” Doctor Carter began, gesturing for the three to sit down as he pulled a chair closer to him, sitting backwards on it. “The impact ricocheted Harry’s car into a cement barricade, head on… He’s very lucky,” he added solemnly. “He’s pretty banged up; the seatbelt bruised his chest and abdomen, and when the airbag went off, it broke his nose. He’s also got a couple cracked ribs and we had to operate on his right leg.”

“My poor boy…” Olivia whispered, her eyes widening with every injury Doctor Carter listed off. “He must have been so scared… Is his leg okay?” she asked, suddenly panicked that the injuries warranted amputation.

Doctor Carter nodded. “He had a compound fracture of his femoral shaft so we’ve inserted an intramedullary nail in his femur, which is a titanium rod designed to be a permanent fixture. He’s going to need a lot of physical therapy, but he’s young and healthy. I’m confident he’ll heal beautifully.”

Olivia didn’t know what half the words the doctor said meant, but she didn’t care. All she cared about was his reassurance that Harry was okay, and would continue to be okay. The only thing left to do was to see him, apologise profusely for their stupid fight, and tell him over and over again that she loved him.

“Can we see him?” Glenne asked hopefully. “He doesn’t have any family here, just us. His mom is coming, but from England, so it will be hours and hours. Please?” she added pleadingly.

Doctor Carter nodded. “You can,” he told the group. “He’s still sedated, so it’ll seem like he’s asleep. He was in a lot of pain, so he’s pretty drugged up, but it’ll start to wear off later today. Come on, I’ll bring you up there,” he added, motioning for the three to follow him.

Olivia let Glenne hold her hand as they followed the doctor to the elevator. She felt nervous, picturing Harry lying helplessly in a hospital bed, covered in cuts and bruises and who knew what else. She’d never liked hospitals – the smell brought her back to the months spent in the local hospital while her grandmother was dying. Memories of the tumultuous time combined with the medicinal, stale air and the anticipation of seeing Harry caused her to feel woozy, and she gripped Glenne’s hand tighter, quickly drawing in sharp breaths.

“It’s okay,” Glenne whispered to her as Doctor Carter stopped next to a half-closed door. He pushed it open, indicating for the three to enter. Jeff walked in first, followed by Glenne and then hesitantly, Olivia.

The room was dimly lit and silent, save for the low, rhythmic beeps coming from the monitor beside the bed. Somehow, Harry managed to look tiny even in the single hospital bed. Despite the lighting, the bruises across his face were still visible. A tube was around his bandaged nose, providing oxygen. Even though the doctor had assured Olivia that Harry was fine, he didn’t look fine. He looked hurt, small and damaged. He could have been more damaged. He could have died.

He could have died. Olivia’s heart began to pound as memories flooded her mind – memories of her first date with Harry, memories of her comatose grandmother trapped in her bed and body, memories of the first time she and Harry made love and when they first uttered those three special words to one another. Memories of the deafening silence in the room when her grandmother was finally put out of her misery, memories of her thoughts about her future with Harry. She stopped short at the foot of the bed, shaking her head wildly.

“I just… I need a minute…” she managed to say, letting go of Glenne’s hand and backing into the hallway. There were no chairs outside of Harry’s room, so she slid to the floor, knees pulled tightly against her chest. She rested her forehead against her legs and concentrated on breathing as the nurse had directed her to. In… and out. In… and out. In. Out. In. Out.

“Hey.”

Olivia looked up, unsure as to how many minutes had passed. She first noticed the wet tear marks on her knees before she saw Jeff standing above her. He gave her a crooked smile before settling on the floor beside Olivia.

“You know… there’s chairs in the room,” he told her, his voice kind. “Might be more comfortable?”

“I have padding.”

Jeff let out a quiet chuckle. “Nah…” he told her, letting a few moments pass before he continued. “It looks worse than it is,” he told her. “You ever have a broken nose? Your whole face kind of takes the heat. I know it looks scary, but… he’s fine. He really is,” he added, giving Olivia’s arm a gentle pat.

“He might not have been, though…” Olivia whispered, picking at a stray thread on her shoes. She sighed. “We had a fight, and –“

“I know.”

Olivia looked at Jeff curiously. “You do?” she asked, surprised. She knew Harry and Jeff were close, but she didn’t know he confided in him with his matters of the heart. It didn’t bother her – it would be hypocritical of her if it did – but she wanted to know what Harry told Jeff. “What did he say?”

Jeff shrugged. “He told me he was an idiot, and I agreed,” he said with a short laugh. He wrung his hands together. “I kind of laid into him pretty hard about it,” he confessed sheepishly. “Maybe too much, I don’t know… But we definitely had some words, and… he left my house, pissed off, and…” He trailed off, shrugging again. He didn’t have to finish for Olivia to know he was saying that Harry crashed after leaving Jeff’s house.

“I’m sorry,” Olivia said quietly, watching Jeff wring his hands together. “It’s not your fault…” she added, hoping she sounded as reassuring as she intended to. She still wasn’t certain on Jeff’s thoughts towards her, but it was pleasantly surprising to hear Jeff say he told Harry he was an idiot regarding their fight.

Jeff let his head rest against the wall, looking at Olivia. “It’s not yours, either,” he reminded her, somehow honing in on the thought that kept nagging at Olivia – that if she’d only calmed down and stopped screaming at Harry, they could have been at home, together, rather than him angrily driving around Los Angeles, leaving himself vulnerable for a collision.

Olivia was quiet. “Yeah…” she admitted. “Doesn’t make it any easier, though.”

Jeff reached out and wrapped his arm around Olivia’s shoulders. She wasn’t sure what came as more of a surprise – the gesture or the fact that it felt perfectly comfortable. Gingerly, she leaned over, letting her head rest against his shoulder. Jeff’s arms weren’t nearly as cozy as Harry’s, he didn’t smell even close to as good as her boy did, and Olivia couldn’t let herself meld against him, but she appreciated his support.

“I know,” Jeff answered. The two of them sat silently on the floor outside of Harry’s room, listening to Glenne’s quiet voice on the other side of the room, carrying on an unintelligible, one-sided conversation with Harry. Olivia was so grateful Glenne was there, keeping Harry company when she couldn’t. Glenne liked to talk, though, and probably appreciated not being interrupted.

Awhile later, Jeff stretched his legs out. “Do you want to come back in with me?” he questioned.

Olivia faltered. “I don’t know if I can…” she answered hesitantly, feeling guilty that she couldn’t find the courage to sit beside Harry’s bed and hold his hand. He’d be there if the shoe was on the other foot. “Maybe in a bit…” she added, deciding she would give herself a pep talk and force herself to get into the room and support Harry like he needed.

Jeff squeezed Olivia’s shoulder before standing up. “I’ll tell him you’re here,” Jeff promised, gently tousling Olivia’s hair before disappearing back into Harry’s room.

For the entirety of the day, Olivia didn’t move from her spot outside of Harry’s room, despite her attempt at a pep talk. A nurse took pity on her and brought her a chair, but she didn’t use it. Glenne disappeared to the cafeteria for lunch and dinner, bringing Olivia a sandwich each time, but they remained untouched on the vacant chair. She didn’t even budge to find a washroom. If the only way she could support Harry was to remain a stone’s throw from his bed, that’s what she would do.

A change in voices coming from Harry’s room caused Olivia to raise her head, listening intently. Jeff and Glenne’s tones became louder, more excited, and Olivia thought she heard a couple laughs coming from behind the door. She shifted her position, struggling to hear and silently cursing herself for being such a wimp that she couldn’t just stand up and walk into the room.

A few moments later, a young nurse strode down the hall, seeming to be all business as she quickly darted into Harry’s room, without so much of a glance in Olivia’s direction. Her stomach dropped – while various nurses had popped in and out of Harry’s room throughout the day, they’d simply been doing their rounds and always had a smile or a few kind words for Olivia. None of them had the urgency this nurse portrayed.

Olivia jumped up, taking a timid step towards the room. She stood against the wall, keeping herself blinded from the room, but the conversations were clear.

“Do you know where you are?” the nurse was asking. A few beats passed before a familiar, raspy voice responded.

“Yeah…” came Harry’s voice, low and groggy. Olivia’s heart skipped a beat, hearing his voice. Even though was told he’d be okay, and she desperately wanted to believe he would be okay, he was okay! She took another step into the room, Glenne and Jeff coming into view, but the bed remaining out of sight.

“Where are you?”

Harry didn’t answer right away. “Uhm… I don’t know…” he corrected after a moment. Olivia watched Glenne reach over Harry’s bed and push her arm down, as though she was trying to keep his arm flat. “Am I in the hospital?”

“Don’t touch those, okay?” the nurse said. “You are in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?” When Harry didn’t answer right away, the nurse asked him again. “Harry? Do you remember what happened?”

“I had a bad day…” Harry answered dully. “We had a fight…” he added, and Jeff’s head dropped. Olivia assumed Harry was directing the comment to his friend. “And Olivia too… Where’s she?”

In unison, Jeff and Glenne’s heads whipped around to look at Olivia. Hearing Harry mention their fight had caused her to begin crying again, but she took another step forward, peeking around the door. Harry met her eyes and smiled, looking relieved even though she likely looked like a basket case.

“There she is,” Harry stated softly. “What are you doing way over there, love?”

Olivia’s head dropped as she mashed her palms against her wet eyes. She didn’t want to be crying in the hospital room, upsetting Harry when he needed to rest and heal. “I’m sorry,” she managed to gulp out, but she didn’t think Harry heard her.

“Come here, sweetheart,” Harry urged gently, comforting Olivia when she should have been the one to comfort him. “I need to give you a hug but you’re too far away… Come on…”

Olivia drew in a couple of shaky sniffles, timidly stepping closer to the bed. “I don’t want to hurt you…” she told him, his bruising even more vivid up close.

He reached for her hand, gently rubbing his thumb against hers. “You won’t,” Harry assured her.

“You might,” the nurse interjected. “Let’s just hold off on the hugging until we get a handle on his pain, okay?”

Harry shook his head. “No, I need to hug this one right now,” he disagreed, tugging on Olivia’s hand. “Get over here…” he murmured.

Olivia leaned down, cautiously pressing her body against Harry, her chin nestling against his shoulder. She heard him breathe out a shaky sigh as his free hand snaked around her waist, holding her to him as best he could. She grasped his shoulder, supporting her weight with her other arm on his other side, carefully avoiding the IV. She felt as though she hadn’t hugged him in a hundred years.

“I’m so sorry,” she wept quietly into his ear. “I shouldn’t have –“

“Shhh…” Harry soothed gently, softly running his hand up her back. “Don’t. I’m sorry.” He turned his head slightly, his forehead pressed against hers. “I love you.”

Olivia let out a breath of relief. Hearing those words after wondering if she ever would again was all she needed in the world. She knew they still had issues to work through, and they couldn’t just push the fight under the rug, but right now, all Olivia wanted to do was ensure Harry knew she felt the same. “I love you, too.”

Notes