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Thursday, January 9, 2014

The raindrops tapped lightly against the window, the only sound in the room the erratic rhythm of the tiny droplets. The floor of Kit’s small flat felt as though it was covered in eggshells, the tension in the air thick as smog. Kevin sat across from Kit, his arms crossed over his chest as he scowled at his abashed girlfriend. Kit’s head was down, sheepishly picking at a tear on the throw blanket covering her bare legs, unable to make eye contact with her boyfriend.

“So,” Kevin spoke, his declaration cutting through the awkward silence filling the room. “Did you have a chance to think about your choices this week?”

“Yes,” Kit answered meekly. Save for a single text message on New Year’s Day, Kit and Kevin hadn’t spoken for the entire week following the holiday. Kevin had, in a sense, grounded Kit from him, and told her he would not be speaking to her for a week, during such time she was to think about the error of her ways and how her actions had upset him greatly. If, he’d told her, she could show that she was truly remorseful for her actions at the party, he may be able to forgive her.

Upon reading Kevin’s text message, Kit was convinced he’d caught wind of the embrace between herself and Harry. She spent the week with her stomach in knots as she thought over everything she’d done wrong – not just on New Year’s Eve, but since the birth of their relationship. She thought about how she put no effort into looking nice for Kevin, how she was unable to cook him a proper dinner without burning something, how she was constantly speaking without thinking and making herself appear stupid. Her heart broke when she thought about how kind he could be – when he’d order pizza with half pineapple even though he loathed the fruit, because Kit loved it, or when he’d stay awake and play with her hair while they watched a movie she picked out, rather than passing out on the sofa. She thought about every moment they’d been together – every kiss, every embrace, every date, every argument – and knew she deserved to be exiled for the week.

Luckily, Harry hadn’t texted her at all since they’d said goodbye on Alexa’s front porch. She thought she would be eagerly anticipating hearing from him, but the radio silence made it easier to focus on fixing her relationship. She wished she could say she hadn’t thought about him the entire time she was in exile, but he had been on the forefront of her mind the entire time – making her feel even more guilty for her New Year’s escapades.

“And…” Kevin prodded, raising his eyebrow at Kit. She looked up at him for a moment before sheepishly dropping her head again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered to him, resembling a scolded puppy whose owner held a threatening newspaper in their hand. “I wasn’t thinking, and… I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“Well, you should be,” Kevin retorted. “You need to realise how uncomfortable I was at that party. I would never put you though that,” he added, though he had, many times, and would continue to do so.

“I’m sorry,” Kit repeated, unsure as to what more she was to say to Kevin. She hoped he didn’t ask her details about her time with Harry – she was surprised to realise she didn’t want to share the details because the moment with Harry felt special to her, not because of what Kevin’s reaction would be.

“I mean… I don’t know why it took you so long to use the toilet, anyway,” Kevin added, shaking his head in disgust at Kit. “It’s gross to do that at other people’s homes. I thought we talked about that.”

With those words, Kit realized Kevin had no idea why she’d taken so long in the house. He assumed it was due to something she ate, not that she was about to kiss her childhood friend. She exhaled loudly, a sense of relief washing over her. Kevin eyed Kit curiously.

“No, sorry,” Kit told him, dismissing her sigh with a wave of her hand. “You’re absolutely right. I should have waited, and I should have waited with you. It won’t happen again,” she promised him, knowing full well it wouldn’t. After the way Kevin behaved around Harry and his friends, Kit was certain she would never see any of them again.

“Thank you,” Kevin told her, seeming to accept Kit’s apology. He sighed loudly. “You know, I had to talk to that Kendall chick. She wouldn’t shut up about her sodden horses. She’s a fucking retard. Makes you look like that God damn Stephen Hawking,” he added with a loud chuckle, as though a snide joke about Kit’s IQ was a stand-up worthy joke.

Kit chewed the inside of her lip, again looking down as she continued to pick at the blanket. “Yeah, I didn’t care for her,” Kit agreed, though Kendall didn’t seem that bad to her. She was annoying and quite boring, but kind enough. “I’m sorry that you had to talk to her,” Kit added, not feeling sorry but knowing it was what she had to say.

Kevin huffed out another sigh, standing up. “At least you’ve learned your lesson… Right?” he questioned, eyeing Kit seriously, as though he was searching her eyes for a hint of a lie.

Kit nodded obediently. “I have, I promise,” she assured him. While he didn’t have the most orthodox way of conveying it, Kit knew that, despite his harsh words, Kevin cared about her. Why else would he insist so strongly that she better herself and learn from her mistakes? If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t care.

“Good,” he affirmed with an authoritative nod. “I don’t want to have to have this same discussion again,” he told Kit, standing up. “Scoot over,” he demanded, stepping to the couch and plopping down next to Kit, grabbing her remote control. Not having cable TV or Nexflix at his own home, Kevin often played Couch Commando at Kit’s home. “Saw earlier that The Birds is on. Figure we’ll watch it,” he told Kit, his comment not a suggestion but a demand.

Kit paled as Kevin scanned through the channels. Horror movies were far from her favourite, a fact Kevin was well aware of. He also knew she was terrified of birds, and after accidentally seeing a trailer of the movie, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s horror classic was something she vowed never to do. But, obediently playing the role of subservient girlfriend, she didn’t voice her discomfort and nodded in agreement instead.

Undeterred by Kit’s silent response, Kevin slung an arm across Kit’s shoulders, tugging his girlfriend closer to him and dropping a kiss against her forehead. “You smell quite nice today,” he told her, seemingly unaware of his Jekell and Hyde persona. His niceties didn’t happen often. Kit wished they would happen more.

“Thank you,” Kit replied softly, a smile on her face and a twinge of surprise in her voice. She allowed herself to snuggle closer to Kevin, resting her head against his shoulder and praying the moment could last longer than just a few short minutes. But a feeling of anxiousness washed over her and she found herself unable to relax, knowing the moment was fragile and would end at any moment. As predicted, the two of them spent only a few minutes wrapped in a couple’s embrace before Kevin pulled away, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

“Ought to make us a snack, yeah?” asked Kevin, crossing his arms across his chest as though to tell Kit he wouldn’t be touching her until she obliged with his demand.

Kit pursed her lips together for a brief moment before nodding at Kevin and offering him a smile. “Of course,” she answered, regretting that she was more concerned with Kevin’s arm around her than preparing a meal for him. She stood up and mentally scanned through her pantry as she walked to the kitchen. Being a full time student living off loans in one of the most expensive cities in the world, snack foods were not something kept regularly stocked in her home. She hoped there was a bag of microwave popcorn shoved deep in the pantry and reminded herself to spend some extra money on treats for Kevin next time she went to the store.

A-ha, she thought, reaching past a flat of canned beans and grasping the small cellophane package. She tore off the wrapper, tossing it on the counter before bending the package in her hands, breaking apart the kernels inside.

“No popcorn!” Kevin called out from the living room, his words overlapping the beeping on the microwave as Kit pressed the buttons. “Makes your skin oily.”

Kit let out a sigh, watching the bag slowly spin inside the microwave. What a waste, she thought, tapping the end button with another quiet sigh. “Kay…” she called back, slowly spinning on her heel and facing the pantry again. If only she had a magic wand – or a backbone – life would be much easier.

~*~*~*~

When Harry had insisted that he and Kit be friends, despite his amorous feelings for her, he knew it would be difficult. After bidding her a solemn farewell on New Year’s Eve, it had taken him a couple of weeks to work up the nerve to text her and each day that passed without texting her, he hoped she would be the one to text him. But, she didn’t. He was embarrassed that he took too long to speak to her again, and wondered if it was something he should even bother with. Though the moment he thought the thought, he immediately retracted it. There was no way he could go without talking to Kit, even if he had spent the better part of half a month cowering over the same fact.

The decision to text Kit turned out to be just the beginning of the battle. Once he’d determined he was man enough to send a message to her, he realised he had no idea what to say. He could simply ask her how the past couple of weeks had been for her, but he didn’t want to tell her about his past weeks. On a whim on New Year’s Day, he and Kendall had flown back to California for a skiing trip. She had mentioned it to him several times over the holidays, but Harry had refused each invitation. But after he realised there was no chance of a future with Kit, he grudgingly accepted. The paparazzi had been all over it, dubbing the two of them the new It Couple. It was mortifying. First Taylor Swift, now Kendall Jenner. Harry didn’t want to be known as the womanizer who only dated the hottest starlets, but the reputation was getting harder and harder to shake. He was certain Kit knew about his so-called romantic trip with the girl he’d said he wasn’t with, and he hated it. He knew he shouldn’t have gone on the trip with Kendall. It wasn’t fair to her, and though Kit seemed committed to her boyfriend, Harry didn’t want her to get the wrong idea about “Hendell” either.

When Harry finally sent a text to Kit, it was a simple “knock knock”, hopefully ensuring she would reply to him. It wasn’t until after he sent it that he wondered if it seemed like a cop-out; not texting her for two weeks, being seen all over Los Angeles with Kendall Jenner and sending an opening line for a joke rather than discussing the feelings from the holiday season. But when Kit texted back a cheeky “come in!” with a winky emoji, he had to laugh. Maybe being friends with her would be simple, natural… and hopefully easy.

Once the two of them got in the rhythm of texting, they fell into a routine of talking nearly every day. Harry was careful not to cross any lines – not being a big fan of emojis, he didn’t have to worry about accidentally sending the winking tongue face to her, but conveying emotions while texting was difficult. To avoid any misunderstandings, he simply sent Kit silly jokes, memes or random movie quotes. He was quite impressed by Kit’s ability to carry on full-on conversations using quotes from raunchy comedies, and was pleased he only had to Google a couple of them.

After spending the first few weeks of 2014 stateside, Harry was eager to get back to London. His schedule was harried, and he knew he could only go home for a couple of weeks, but he felt the urge to stand on UK soil, to see the Union Jack and, perhaps the most important part of his trip home, to see Kit. As friends, he continued to remind himself. As friends.

Friday, February 8, 2014

After the long journey from Los Angeles to London, Harry was relieved to finally step foot into his North London home. The house was dark and cold, as it always was when he arrived home. He often wondered what it would be like to come home to a bright and lively home, a home that was warm and inviting and didn’t feel like an abandoned ghost house. But in order for his house to feel more like a home, he’d have to find himself a girl he could be serious with. There was only one, and she was already playing house with someone else. So, for now, Harry’s house would be as lonely as he felt.

He walked through the house, flicking on lamps and lights as he made his way to the kitchen. He was surprised to see a slow-cooker on the counter, filled with piping hot homemade soup, but considering he’d asked Nick to check in on his house while he was gone, it wasn’t a complete shock. Nick was a bit like the mommy to the group and always tried to ensure everyone was fed, clean and happy before he put them to bed. Leaving soup for his jet-lagged friend was a kind, typical Mother Nick move, and as his stomach growled in response, Harry realised he was incredibly appreciative.

Beside the crock pot on the counter was a balled up piece of fabric, a note beside it. Furrowing his brow, Harry picked up the note, reading it to himself.

Hey mate, your little love muffin left this at Alexa’s! She prob did it on purpose so she can see you again ;) get some! Xoxo Nick <3

Harry snickered to himself, unfolding the fabric. As he shook it out, he realised it was a scarf. After furtively glancing around, expecting someone to see him, he covertly pressed the scarf against his face and breathed deeply. He blushed as he realised what he was doing, but couldn’t help himself. It smelled just like Kit. Suddenly desperate, he needed to see her.

Hi Kit-Kat. We’re in the same time zone again! I have a scarf at my house that you left at Alexa’s. I can bring it by, if you’re home?

Harry exhaled, setting his phone down in an attempt to ignore it and wondering just how desperate he came across while he helped himself to a bowl of Nick’s soup. He’d barely filled the bowl when his phone beeped, signalling a new text.

bonjour monsieur! I’m in class til 2 but come by this evening!

Kit smiled bashfully when Harry’s text came through. While texting him had become part of her daily routine, the texts exchanged between the two were light and humorous, completely lacking in any seriousness. As much as Kit wanted to talk about what happened between them on New Year’s Eve, and ask Harry why he was spending so much time with Kendall when he told her they weren’t together, the mood of their conversations was now canonically light-hearted.

But now he was going to come over, to her home, and the thought of seeing him again in the privacy of her flat made her sheepishly giddy. She would have to rein in her excitement and remember that she and Harry were friends, and nothing more. They couldn’t be more, she reminded herself. She had Kevin – a fact that wasn’t on the forefront of her mind quite as often as it should be lately.

Sounds good, Harry texted back a moment later. He wanted to ask Kit if they should expect Kevin to join them, but he wasn’t sure how to ask without making it obvious that he was asking. He didn’t think Kit would invite Harry over while Kevin was propped up on her sofa, but stranger things involving Kit had happened, and likely would continue to happen. I’ll see you later, then, he added, wavering slightly before adding a silly smiley face after his message. He didn’t quite understand the emoji use, but Kit seemed to enjoy them. Maybe he could too.

The day dragged on and on. Each time Harry looked at the clock, he could have sworn it was moving backwards. Still, he tried to keep himself busy. He did a load of laundry. He attempted to reply to several emails, but wasn’t in the proper work frame of mind. He ate more soup. He tried to read another chapter in The Hunger Games, but just couldn’t understand the fuss. He ran for a bit on the treadmill, which reminded him he also needed to shower. He managed to take an uncharacteristically long shower and spend an embarrassing amount of time picking out a casual yet attractive, but not flashy or expensive outfit. He wondered offhandedly if this is what girls felt like before dates.

The thought caused him to stop short in his tracks. This was not a date. It was just two friends hanging out. He realised he didn’t even know if they would be hanging out. He could be driving all the way to Tower Hamlets and parking in front of a boarded up nail salon just to drop off a scarf and have his hubcaps stolen.

The thought was sullen, and he felt bad the moment he thought it. It wasn’t Kit’s fault that she lived in such a derelict neighbourhood. It also wasn’t Kit’s fault that he caught the feelings and she had a boyfriend. He, once again, reminded himself that if he wanted to be a part of her life, he had to accept the fact that she would not be his.

Notes