There was so much blood.

A pool of crimson swirled around the shower drain, the colour of rust and red wine stained the faux bathroom tiles and the beds of my finger nails. My hands trembled as I fumbled to clean up the mess, tears stinging the corner of my eyes.

This isn’t happening. This is not happening.

I try to convince myself that nothing’s wrong, that maybe this is somehow normal. But I know better. I know better and it shatters my whole world to admit it.

There’s a lump so big in my throat that I feel like I can’t breathe and the room feels like its spinning.

I have failed. I let him down. I let us down.

“Babe- what’s happened in here?”I can’t bear to look at him to see the look of disappointment that’s sure to settle on his face.

“I-I lost it,” I mumbled, trying hard to keep my voice from trembling.

“Pres,” he drawls softly. “what do you mean?”

I can no longer hold the tears that burn my eyes as I turn up the palms of my bloodstained hands.

“Goddamitt, Harry, you know what I mean. I lost it! I lost our baby.”

The words are finally out of my mouth and settle themselves in the air, permeating our reality like fresh cement on the pavement.

I lost it. I lost our baby.

Harry goes silent and I dig my fingernails into my sides.

“I’m sorry, ” I sobbed. “I’m so, so sorry, H. I was doing everything right! I thought I was doing everything right! I don’t understand!”

He sighs heavily, crouching down in front of me, brushing away the disheveled hair in my face.

“I don’t-I don’t understand either, love. I don’t think we’ll ever understand.”

The quiver in his voice hurts like hell.

My heart physically hurts thinking about the dreams we’d shared, the names we’d discussed, the stuffed fox Harry had gone out and brought the day after I’d told him. We’d both wanted this but Harry wanted it the absolute most and it killed me to know I couldn’t give it to him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m-”

“Stop,”

He cups my face in his hands, his fingers brushing against my chin as I stare into his emerald eyes.

“It’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. Don’t you dare apologize.”

“I just- I feel like I’ve let you down. I can’t give you what you want.”

“Presley,” he sighs. “baby or no baby I’m still madly in love with you. Nothing’s gonna change that.”

I want to smile but I can’t get the corners of my tips to turn upright.

“Where do we go from here?”

“Well,” he smoothes his palm over my hair. “we scream when we want to, cry when we need to, talk it out when we have to and then, eventually, we pick up the pieces and start over again.”

Notes

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