How can he do this to me?

I sit alone in the bathtub. I had a shower but I can't face the day. So i turned of the faucet and slit down and just sitting here pathetic. My mind is wondering in circles at the moment. I see my kryptonite staring back at me, because I stare back much intently. My eyes don't plan to surrender anytime soon, I can't believe I am back here I never thought I could possibly be on the verge of losing control again. My thumb caresses my small wrist as a few tears fall down my face.

My dark thoughts are interrupted. "Liv can I come in?" I recognise El's voice. I don't respond. I see the door handle being turned, then enters El.

I use the tip of both my index fingers to wipe away oncoming tears. She bends down and sits on the cold tile floor, my eyes don't plan to meet hers, she can't see me like this.

"Hey you doing love?"

She is treading lightly.

I just shrug my shoulders as a response. I sniffle, these damm tears can they go away?

"I'm ok." I lie.

"I need to ask you this because I know you are extremely vulnerable."

I know what's coming. "Olivia, are you cutting?"

I shake my head honestly. "Have you thought about it." I nod my head and an explosion of tears wave over me.

"Hey it's a good thing your telling me." She rubs my wet back.

"I know I'm pathetic." I say between my sobs.

"No, no it's not." I see her forearm extend to reach for a towel.

"Lets get you out." She takes my hand and helps me up. The fact I am completely naked physically and emotionally right now and El is here with me comforting me is definitely offering some reassurance that I am not alone.

---

"Hey you doing?" El asks me as we sit on the couch now, with boiling cup of tea in our hands.

"Better" I say honestly. I take a sip of my tea slowly.

"Thanks El." I flash her a smile. "No worries love, you know you can talk to me about anything" She pats my leg and I nod my head.

"I just can't believe I would even think about resorting back to that behaviour."

"I know, but you didn't. You recognised yourself before you choose to put yourself back in that behaviour. That takes real courage."

"I don't feel it." I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. "I know sweetie, but with time it will get better. I promise you."


I then jump when I hear a knock on the door. I turn around and thank god it's only Louis.

"Louis what are you doing here?" El asks.

"I wanted to see if you wanted to come to a party on the beach." He greets her with a peck on the lips.

"Sorry babe, Olivia needs me here." I look at her, "El go if you want. I will be fine." I try and convince her and myself.

"You can come to Liv?" Louis suggests.

"I'm not really in a party mood."

"Oh come on, you need to get over Harry." Even hearing his name sets me on edge.

"Will he be there?"

Louis shakes his head.

"give me a minute to get ready."

Notes

Just wanted to quickly say, if any of this touchy issues affect any of you in any way. Please feel free to have a chat with me or any of your closest people. You are not alone, you can find inner strength to shut down those inner demons




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