Luna’s POV

Everything hurts in my body.

My head. My heart. My stomach.

I don’t know what everyone around me is saying right now. I don’t know if they’re talking to each other or talking to me. I don’t know if I’m okay. I don’t feel okay. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m trying so hard to get to the surface so I can breathe again, but I can’t. And no one is reaching their hand down to help pull me back up. I feel stuck. All I want is to disappear. To go back in time to when I wasn’t famous, when my mom was my best friend and my dad would make stupid “dad jokes” and I’d babysit my sister’s kids like four times a week.

Everything has changed and now I feel alone.

“Luna!” That’s Louis’ voice. C’mon Luna. You can do this, just look at everyone and pretend you understand what they’re saying. Pretend to be okay.

“Luna, do you want to talk to a therapist? We’re here and they can really help yo-”

“No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” I pick my head up to look at Louis. “I can figure this out by myself. I’m okay. It’s okay.” I say mostly to myself instead of Louis. I roll off of Niall’s lap and back to my original seat. I can feel everyone’s eyes staring at me and they’re burning into my heart.

I don’t want their pity anymore. I want to go disappear from the world for awhile so I can figure this out. I need to figure this out. I take a deep breath and look out the window as the car begins turning around slowly. I don’t even have my own hotel room. I’m sharing it with Niall. The same Niall who was on a date with another girl 24 hours ago. And the same Niall who I was avoiding the best I could just 12 hours ago. The same Niall that less than 15 people know who is real girlfriend actually is. Because despite all the magazines, it isn’t Christina. The same Niall who I love so much, but I can’t explain why. And I suck at showing it.

I’m the worst girlfriend. In just 2 days we leave for Ireland, which means in about 3 days, I’m meeting his parents. How can I do that? Hell, I’m not even emotionally stable. Does Niall even want me to meet his parents? We talked about it a few nights ago,

***


“So we’re going to Ireland next”, I tell Niall. We’ve been doing this every night. Where we stay up all night talking and learning new little facts about each other and then the next day we’re absolutely exhausted because we got no sleep.

“I can’t wait to show you around. We’re performing in my home town and then we’re going to Dublin.” he says with an adorable smile on his face. He looks and sounds like a 6-year-old when he’s excited, “Would you, uhm, do you want to meet my dad and my brother?”

I knew it. “Sure, I’d love to.” I pretend to act excited and not at all nervous. I’ll give him a smile. Is this believable yet?

“Don’t worry, love. They’ll love you just as much as I do. And if you want, the other guys can be there too so you don’t feel uncomfortable.”

Yes, yes, yes, I want the other guy’s there. “I think that’d help. I really can’t wait to go there though. My mom always wanted to go to Ireland. I was going to give my parents’ a trip there for Christmas, I’ve wanted to do it for a long time…” I accidentally rambled on.

“You’ll love it. I promise.”

“I know I will. I love you.”

***

The car slows to get through the screaming fans. They’re pouncing on the tinted windows trying to get a glimpse of the one and only Harry Styles.

“Ready?” Niall says as his hand gives mine a quick squeeze.

Nope, not at all. I’d rather stay right here in this car than go through the crowded stampede of screaming teenage girls. “Sure.” I say instead because I’m still trying to convince everyone I’m okay.

“Ni and I will hold your hand.” Harry says next.

I want to roll my eyes and tell them that it wouldn’t be necessary. No, I want to close my eyes and tell them to carry me in because my legs don’t feel strong enough to anymore. Instead I nod because them holding my hand sounds like the perfect in-between for now.

The door opens by a security guard and I keep my head pinned down. Everyone is screaming. The fans, the reporters, everyone.

“Luna! How was your birthday?!”“Luna, why were you crying the first time the car came to the hotel?!” Shit, I forgot about that. That’s embarassing.

“Luna! Will you pleassse sign this for me? Let’s take a picture!”
We finally made it into the fancy hotel. Everything’s so clean. It bothers me for some reason. Maybe that’s just a me thing. Security leads us into the elevator. Everyone has been painfully silent since we left the car. It’s funny how that works. How we go from fans screaming out at us, to inside a peaceful building where no one wants to talk.

Ding! The door opens and Liam walks out first followed by Niall and I and then Louis and Harry. My heart hurts. Not like “I need to go to the hospital, I’m having a heart attack” hurt, but more like a “It feels like a thousand knives are stabbing my heart everytime I think about you” hurt. And today the “you” is my entire family.

Niall opens our hotel room door and holds it open for me. Still, no one has talked yet. I should talk. I keep forgetting, I’m supposed to be okay.

We walk in together. I head straight into the bathroom without thinking and oops, accidentally throw up all my dinner.

“Luna are you okay? Luna?” Niall knocks at the door. I’m so okay. I’m very okay. To him, I’m okay.

I hear the door open as another wave of nausea hits me. Yikes, back to the toilet.

“Shit, Luna!” Niall comes over to me and holds my hair back. I finish up and flush the toilet. “Oh Luna. What are we gonna do with you?” he sighs. I don’t know Ni.

“Let me get washed up and then I’ll meet you in bed. Thank you, I love you”, is all I can come up with to say. I’m fine. I’m okay.

***

I meet my baby in bed and curl up next to him like we do every night. I’m wearing panties and his t-shirt because at night, bras are optional.

“Love, why did you get sick?” he asks me softly after a minute of just laying there. Deep down, I knew he was gonna ask this. But I didn’t prepare an answer.

“Because I’m sad.” it comes out of my mouth before I can stop it. Well there goes trying to convince everyone that I’m okay. “Um, when I was a teenager,” Am I actually about to tell him this? “I used to have both depression and very bad anxiety,” guess so, “I used to have episodes where I’d just scream and cry. It’s like I blocked out the rest of the world and would focus on one little thing that would make me want to die. They’d last from like 20 minutes to 2 hours. Uh, I guess I had another one today.”

Now he knows that, great. This is awkward.

“Luna,” he says slowly, “You should have told us. What should we do if it happens again?”

“It’s not going to happen again, Niall.” I say sternly, “I’m okay, it’s not gonna happen again.” Suddenly my cheeks are wet and Niall’s rubbing my lower back like he always does when I’m upset, “It’s… not… going to… happen! I’m…. okay!!” I say between sobs.

***

Well, I cried myself to sleep last night, in my best friend’s arms. Niall rubbed my back until I was asleep.

And that’s how my birthday ended.

I told you my birthday never ended well.

***

Notes

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