The Irish One

I tried to walk away, but I was stopped when I heard my name called.
"Avaline, wait, please."
"No, I'm not. I'm leaving. I'm tired of this- all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong and I'm tired of feeling as though my life is dictated for me. We had something once, but it's just not there anymore, okay? I liked you, but I don't now."
"Do you not even remember all those things that you told me? All those promises you made me make?" he demanded.
I rolled my eyes, making myself look indifferent and unfazed. "Are you seriously going to go by that? I was half drunk. I didn't know what I was saying, I was just talking bullshit. You can't hold that over me."
"Well I believed you, AJ, I believed every single word." he said, shaking his head. I studied him for a second.
"Well, that's on you. Just forget that anything between us ever happened, just forget that I told you anything at all. I never met you and you never met me. Forget about those things that I shared with you. I'm sorry that I ever did."
He looked up at me, his blue eyes brimming with the first signs of tears, and they were dangerously close to his lash line. I watched him crumble and break, I felt everything inside me begin to fall apart. Any moment now my heart would stop working and I'd fall to the ground and be free of all of this pain... one can only hope, right? It had to be this way, I tried to tell myself. Perhaps, if I say it enough, I'd make my heart believe it.
"Then why did you tell me all those things, Avaline?"
"I thought that maybe if I finally told someone, then maybe I could learn to trust again. Maybe things would get better for me and I'd learn how it feels like to need somebody and what attachment is, but it didn't do anything. It didn't help anything or do anything for me, Niall. I still remember those nightmares, I still can't become close to anyone. I don't know why I honestly thought that one day with you would change anything if going to the psychiatrist for the past twelve years had gotten me nowhere. I'm still on pills, I'm still depressed, I still have RAD and I'm still broken, Niall, I'm still fucking broken... still." I whispered that last part. I hate this. I hate all of this. Here I go, burning another bridge. Only this time, I'm having a harder time feeling confident with it. For the first time, I feel as though I am losing something. I've never felt this before. Of course I know what the definition of loss is, but feeling it is something completely different. I do not know how to describe it. It's daunting and foreign and left me dumbfounded by it's touch. Daunting, that's the only way to describe it.
"You know what, Avaline? I'm sorry too." Niall said, suddenly. He licked his lips and took a step towards me. I was two feet from the door and he was three feet from me. "I'm sorry I didn't heal you, and I'm sorry that nothing fixed itself. But that's just it, Avaline, things DON'T just fix themselves. I'm not going to fight your demons for you, no one will! You can't expect everything to just be erased and everything will be okay. You can't keep running! You just can't." Niall's voice grew louder and louder as he spoke, his face began to flush red as he continued. I was caught off guard for the second time in my life. "Maybe other people wouldn't care if you left, but I do. But I can't keep fighting these battles for you, I'm too tired for that... I love you, AJ, I do. I'm sorry that there is nothing else that I can do, and I'm sorry for saying sorry. But AJ, if you walk out that door, I'm not going to beg you to come back. I can't keep something that isn't mine. I've made my choice, you need to make yours..."
He blinked and the his first tear splattered onto his cheek, quickly followed by more, but he made no move to wipe them away from his vision. He just stood there, watching me with pleading eyes, silently begging me to change my mind.
I lowered my eyes, turned the handle and stepped out the door, closing it softly behind me.
Why do we say goodbye? There's nothing good about it. Nothing.

Notes

Okay guys, I have been working on this story for a while, but I thought that maybe I'd share it Love you guys lots!
~Allanys