Fangirl

We've been at Calum's unknown friend's beach house for only an hour, and already I've heard each of them scream something very political. They aren't even drunk yet.

"Fuck, what is this?" Luke asks the guys, setting twenty hot boxes of pizza on the kitchen island.

"Food." Michael responds, putting a bunch of red solo cups next to the pizza boxes. Luke rolls his eyes. He looks over at me and blows me a kiss to which I just start hardcore blushing at. How could I not, this is Luke Hemmings we're talking about?

"I don't think we invited a hundred people." Luke snorts. "Why would we need this much food?"

"More people are going to show up. I don't know if you've noticed yet, but we're a little famous." Michael smirks at his sass.

"Plus social confrontation." I say from the couch. "Parties are just people, and when people have an emotion they want to avoid, they stress eat instead of talking to the person they're worried about talking to."

"Hey," Luke whispers, nudging Michael's rubs. Michael swats his arm away. "My girlfriend's smart."

"No shit dummy, that's her last name." Michael murmurs. "I'm going to go dye my hair blue, white, and red. Later."

"That's going to be terrifying." Luke says to himself. I laugh.

Calum walks down from the stairs minutes later, looking ridiculously pale. "Hey, um, d- you guys know where my tanning lotion is?"

"You own tanning lotion?" Luke asks.

"Why do you have tanning lotion?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Never mind, never mind." Cal shakes his head, and turns back to the staircase.

"Wait, dude, is everything okay?" Luke asks.

"Um." Calum pauses for a full five seconds, and shrugs. "I have no idea. And I don't want to talk about it. Bye." He runs up the stairs, and Luke looks at me.

"Any clue what that was about?" The pretty blond asks me.

"Nope. Maybe it's more leaked nudes." I lightly laugh.

The next two hours, Ashton is acting awkward, and Michael is looking for Max. I'm waiting for the right time to tell him she's coming when the party starts. Calum is no where to be found, and Luke hasn't left my side for an hour.

"When does the party start?" Luke mumbles to me. He's been sitting on the couch with me with his cheek pressed against my shoulder and his eyes closed. That's what he gets for betting Ashton a thousand dollars (rich people, am I right?) he could run half an hour next to the car on the way here. He made it ten minutes, amazingly, but Ashton would only give him three hundred.

"An hour and ten minutes." I say back.

Luke sighs, and looks over at Ashton, "Should we start now then?" Ashton nods.

"Start what?" I ask.

"Drinking." Ashton says happily. So innocently, too, like he's really talking about petting a dog. "People are going to be here any minute, and these things are the most fun with a head start. You drink?"

I shake my head, "Not really." I say. Of course I don't drink, when I was seventeen I was still finding out which hotel 5SOS was staying at half way across the world just so I could tell other fangirls so THEY could go find them.

"You should, it's fun." Ash tells me. He and Luke are already standing at the kitchen counter with a bottle of brownish liquid.

"Mate, leave her alone." Luke chuckles.

"I'm just saying." Ashton shrugs, glancing at Luke. "I mean," He looks at me. "do it responsibly. Don't go wandering off alone at these parties, either."

"Dude." Luke says in his 'why the hell are you telling her that' voice.

"What? She's not a partier, she should know the ground rules."

"Yeah, I want the ground rules." I laugh a little, and lean against the counter next to Luke. He kisses my cheek and I smile.

"See? I told you. Okay so, don't wander off alone, not really because of rapists or anything because our friends are pretty chill, but just because there's a lot of drunk people wandering around and if you're sober, it'll be the weirdest experience of your life. If you're drunk too, you'll just end up being an idiot and it probably being in the internet. Which is not only embarrassing, but you know, you guys are private for some reason. Next thing, okay, don't go to the bathroom for more than ten seconds. I can guarantee there'll be some asshole who suddenly needs to use it. There is a cliff outside, if you're drunk or sober, do. Not. Go. Near. It. It's small and there's water, but if you're drunk and get pushed in- which you will, you drown, and if you're sober and get pushed in, you could also drown. Drowning is bad, stay away from cliffs."

I nod. "No being a loner, no using the bathroom and no cliffs. Gotcha."

"Also, Luke is going to be drunk off his ass, so make your own friends." Ashton snorts.

"Shut up." Luke rolls his eyes. He picks up the cup now full of some kind of alcohol and does that thing he does where he just drinks it all at once. I should feel weird that when he gets drunk he does it so much, but... I don't know, it's almost as if I'm pure, but seeing him not be is hot to me. Really hot.

"Ah, who would've guessed Luke and Riley, still next to each other." Michael says, stepping down each stair with utter annoyance.

"What is it with you and Ruke?" Ashton giggles. "Are you in love with Riley or something?"

Luke quickly looks over at Michael in fear. Like I'd leave this guy again. "Of course not, I just feel bad they're plain."

"Plain?" I frown.

"Yeah. I mean, no offense. You guys are just the couple who act like they've been married forty years with four kids. You think the same, you feel the same, you want to do the same thing all the time. Your favorite thing is probably squealing 'twinsies!'."

I don't say anything. Fuckery, he's right. But there isn't really anything wrong with that, right? I mean, don't we love each other because we're so similar? Or is that just me loving me. Oh my god. Michael has done it again, he's gotten into my head.

"Don't be a dick." Luke says. "We're fine. You're just upset because your girlfriend won't tell you where she is, and neither will Calum." Michael widens his eyes slightly, and I love up at Luke in amazement. I had no idea Luke could even say something kind of rude. I didn't really know he could stand up for himself by stating a brutal fact that might hurt the other people.

Ashton just stands there and watches Michael's reaction.

A couple minutes later, people show up, and music and lights are blaring, and guess where I am? On the couch under the staircase with a book. Of course. I don't understand why that's so shocking to people passing me. I like being alone, and if I'm happier reading, I should be reading.

The night continues. I watch the fireworks go off through the window, that no one else is noticing. Max is somewhere (honestly probably in Michael's room if you catch my drift), not responding to my twelve texts. It's kind of just one message but writing one line seems boring.

Calum is over in the kitchen, saying something to Ashton I can't hear. They both look slightly upset and very serious. Calum says something, and Ashton closes his eyes. He shakes his head, says 'no', I think, and walks away. Calum looks around for a second, sees me, and smiles a little. I smile back. He walks over, and the company almost scares me. He's my friend, but the idea that I'd be participating gives me anxiety. There's something so prideful about reading in a loud and social moment.

"Hey." He says, tapping my foot with his. He remains standing.

"Hey." I smile. "What was that about?"

"Nothing important. I think. I don't know." Calum shrugs. "Are you having fun?"

"As much fun as an introvert can at a party full of college aged celebrities." I joke.

Calum smiles, "Right, right. Where's Luke? I thought your guys' thing was you can't be apart."

"Not sure." I pause, "Do you think Luke and I are one sided? Like everything is the same?"

"I mean... Sure. But that's okay I guess, some people just don't enjoy... Er... Excitement..." He squints his eyes, knowing that wasn't a good way to put it immediately. I nod a little. "Did Michael say that?"

"Yeah." I admit.

"Don't listen to him, he's upset because Max got friends quicker than he thought she would after she graduated last month. He feels like a third wheel."

I nod. "How's it with that Olivia girl? Claire Olivia, I think?"

"Oh um, we broke up." Calum shrugs.

"Oh. Sorry." What do you say to a person who's broken up with people so many times he can't remember a lot of them? 'Sucks for you, better go see a therapist to get some control over your detachment issues'?

"It's okay. Something just came up neither of us could handle." I nod, not really knowing what to say here. "Anyway, don't worry about you and Luke. You guys are just.. Simple. Nothing wrong with that." I nod more. There's something wrong with that to me.

"Thanks."

"Sure." He smiles. Calum walks away, and gets pulled into the crowd by a girl. I almost rolled my eyes, before I see him shake his head and go back to the kitchen. The girl is stunned. I snort. And then I mentally slap myself for snorting.

I look over at Luke, laughing, and smile a lot. I really don't care he's doing all that without me. It's not my scene, which he understands, which makes him even more perfect. I mean, that's what I was thinking two seconds ago. Now he's talking to a girl short than me, tanner than me, prettier than me, and probably more famous than me, and every inch of a jealous and insecure Riley poke out. I frown. She really is pretty. I look down at myself. I'm too skinny. I'm too pale. I'm not that short, only like six inches shorter than Luke. Luke likes short girls, everyone knows that. I'm not short. He probably likes girls with at least a little bit of skin on their thighs. Too skinny, too pale, too plain. What does he even see in me? I only write, read, and listen to everyone else says.

With those emotions swirling around my head, I watch to the kitchen where Calum is still standing. "Do you want some?" Cal asks, pointing to a cup of god knows what. I nod. He hands it to me and I smile. He just stares at me, which makes me sure both of us are wondering if I'm actually going to drink it. "So.." He chuckles. "You just put the rim of the cup in between your lips, tilt the cup, and swallow."

"That sounds unnecessarily sexual." I say over the music. He laughs, and nods. I feel his fingers on the bottom of the cup, and watch him take it from me. "What are you doing?"

"You aren't going to drink it." Calum laughs. "And if you are you look like you're doing it for the wrong reasons."

"Bitch, give me the cup." I laugh. I immediately regret calling him 'bitch', wondering if that was too much, but instantly he just dies of laughter. More laughter than I've ever seen Calum apart of, at least. He hands the red solo cup to me, believing I won't drink it.

"It really isn't that difficult." He tells me.

"I know, I know." I nod. I stare at the liquid, until I can feel Calum about to start laughing from my innocence. I bet the girl over there is drunk. I bite my lip, and drink it. Calum says 'oh, wow' by the time I reach the bottom of it, and takes it from me.

"Who'd you learn from, Luke?" Calum laughs.

"But of course." I say. I feel myself look over at Luke again. The girl moves towards him, but he backs up and says something to her, then points and looks over at me. I look away in embarrassment. Any normal person would've smiled. I shouldn't have drunk all that. I was just trying to prove something to myself. It didn't even work.

"Where are you going?" Calum asks me. I look over at him, and realise I'm walking away.

I giggle, "Dunno."

"Uh oh." I hear.

I aimlessly wander around for a while, ignoring the people checking me out. Yuck. Only Luke gets to do that.

I bumped into Max a couple times but she barely noticed me, she was too busy dancing with Michael.

Somehow, I end up outside. There are only a couple other people out here. I stumble around a bit, and by the time the alcohol has worn off for the most part, I sit on the edge of the little cliff. Now I'm just sad. I want my book. I want my Luke. I don't want to be boring all the time. I wouldn't be boring if I didn't have so much anxiety. Luke didn't even want to get drunk around me because I'm such a damn buzzkill. Ugh, oh god I have such a headache.

"I LOVE MURICA!" I hear someone yell from inside. A bunch of 'woo's following it.

"Hey, baby." I hear. I look behind me, and see Luke's pretty and very, very tired face. He stumbles over to me and sits down. "How are you?" I shrug. "I'm so tired. You know it's three in the morning? I didn't even notice."

"Are you still drunk?" I ask curiously.

"Nah, just a little buzzed. Why? Are you okay?"

I sit there for a second. "I'm not one sided."

"Huh?" Luke asks, chuckling a bit. I bite on my bottom lip.

"I don't think we're one sided either. We just stay in our comfort zones with each other." I shrug. He nods slowly. I huff. "Luke," I hold his hand, and smile at his cheeks go a little pink. "What if there's more?"

"More?" He repeats.

"What if this is only the tip of the iceberg with us? What if there's this whole side of you I haven't even seen yet?" I pause. "What if I'm not even going to be a writer?"

"Riley. Are you the one who's drunk?" Luke chuckles.

"No, just very hung over." I snort. "Really, though." I lick my lips and look up at Luke. "I'm all in. I want you to see every side of me... I'm not one sided at all. I'm not just.. I'm not just a fangirl. I'm- I'm actually really confusing for me to figure out."

He's smiling. "I'm all in too, Riley." I feel something I never have. Like this is the purest kind of love. I'm not scared anymore. I feel like I've had this dam holding in so much with him, and now I feel like I don't need to.

"I love you." I tell him. He smiles more, and presses his lips to mine.

"You are everything I've ever needed." Luke tells me, against my mouth.

Notes